should I be worried about the ex and what to do now?

[lovehersomuch]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We agreed several months ago to be in an exclusive relationship. She has had many boyfriends in her past and still stays in touch with several as friends. I am fine with her having exs as friends; I have a few myself.

 

Last week she told me she was going out to dinner with a friend that I have met (not an ex in this case). Afterwards I found out she had actually met someone else: a recent old boyfriend. When I confronted her about it, she said she didn't want to say it was him because she thought it would upset me. He had called once when we were together and I had asked if there was anything for me to be concerned about, to which she said no.

 

In further conversation she admitted that she has seen him several times since the time we agreed to the exclusive relationship without telling me. Of course I was very hurt. This is a particularly painful situation because something very similar happened to me a few years ago. However in the previous case my ex-girlfriend was actually cheating.

 

She says it is totally platonic and that they have not had anything more than a friendly relationship since breaking up a few months before she met me.

 

She admitted she was wrong in hiding the previous meetings, and lying about the recent meeting, and that she would be completely honest going forward. If it is truly just a friendly relationship I can't ask her to end it because of poor judgment nor out of simple spite.

 

Should I let it go at that or is there something more I should do?

[midori]

You know what I don't like about the situation is that she made the decision for you that you were likely to be upset by her meeting this ex. This implies one of two things (or both):

1. There is something to be concerned about as far as this ex goes.

2. She sees you as someone who will over-react/misinterpret.

 

Neither of these is a good thing. The first speaks for itself. The second is very condescending: why does she assume that you can't handle knowing about a perfectly innocent get-together?

 

It's hard to say if she was just trying to avoid any friction and thus took the sneaky route (which is still bad) or if she is crossing the line with this ex. I think in your shoes I might put it to her like this, "If I can't trust you to be up front with me about minor, innocent things, how can I trust you in bigger ways? If you're absolutely telling the truth, that there is and was nothing going on between you and this ex, I'm willing to believe you. But lies have consequences, and the consequence of your lies about this ex is that I cannot accept you having anything further to do with him. I'm willing to put this behind us, but only if he is put behind you as well. No more communication with him at all -- not as long as we're together."

 

She's gotta realize that by lying rather than trusting you with the truth, she really messed things up, and her platonic friendship with this ex is permanently tainted by those lies. And frankly, I don't think that people should generally be socializing with exes if their current partners can't join in. Why did it have to be an a deux dinner -- why couldn't you have joined them? If he's such a good friend, wouldn't he want to meet you? Wouldn't she want you to meet him? She blew it, and now she should have to make a hard choice. There's no reason you should have to tolerate uncertainty just because she chose to be sneaky.

[flower]

Midori: In this case if the ex don't mind meeting lovehertoomuch, is it too late to have another dinner whereby all 3 are present to save the situation? Thanks!

[midori]

well I kind of think so, but it's up to him. Depends on how he feels. I know that I would be very insulted and angry, and I would not be OK with them continuing their friendship with or without me. The damage would already have been done.

 

It's not the ex's fault -- it's his girlfriend's. I don't see why he should have to suffer through any more awkwardness and uncertainty because of her bad judgement. She should take that on now. How that happens is up to him.

[lovehersomuch]

At this point in my life I don't have a very close support group. In fact my girlfriend is my closest friend and confidant but one can see how that wouldn't be much help in this situation. I have never posted a message to an on-line forum like this before - that's not exactly true; once I replied to a post asking where to find a good pub in the city Just writing this and getting a response has been somewhat cathartic so thanks to all who responded.

 

How can we ever be truly certain of anything? This is just one scene in the larger tapestry of our relationship. She knows how much this incident has hurt me, or at least I've told her so. If she loves me as much as she says she does, she will modify her behavior accordingly. If not, then perhaps this isn't the relationship that I think it is and the future will bring whatever it has in store for us. In any event, my life will go on.

 

Thank you again.

[NEONINK]

You said it all.... "she will modify her behavior accordingly" if she truly loves you.

 

Look on the bright side, this is a wonderful test of her love for you. Good for you, you sound very self-confident and that's very appealing.

 

(And I must say, in a world full of lonely people waiting for friendship, why ex's? I absolutely deplore my g/f's ex calling every Saturday. They are many states and years apart, so it's not a physical cheating issue, and I know this is about my own insecurity. But please...)

[Polar bear]

I know what you're going through. I posted the thread about my boyfriend and his ex, my cousin... MY boyfriend is the same way, only with him, it is only this one ex, and this ex has broken up his past relationships.

 

I know how dangerous exes can be. There was chemistry then and that fire can be reignited with just a touch or glance. And my boyfriend is sneaking around my back emailing her etc, against my wishes. It breaks my heart to have to feel like I can't trust him and that I need to check up on him from time to time. Do you feel that way too? Personally I have and always stay as far away from my exes as possible because I would never want any of my boyfriends to have to worry, and yet somehow reverse karma exists, becuase I am feeling so much pain even though I have done nothing wrong...

 

I also understand how you can feel better writing posts. It feels good for me to realize that some people are going through the same thing I am. Hopefully everything will work out, for both of us.

[lovehersomuch]

I am constantly fighting an internal battle against the insecurity this event has reignited. However, I keep telling myself:

 

* I can't force her to love me.

* I can't force her not to fall for someone else.

* All that I can do is try to be the best boyfriend possible and let her decide.

 

We just moved in together; her after 10+ years living alone and me with 4+ years between the last co-habitation situation. She could have been with a lot of other men but she chose to be with me.

 

However, with the new living arrangements we are both having to make inevitable changes. While we are both individuals and I would never ask her to give up a friendship, this event has made her realize I am now an integral part of her life, that she cannot maintain a "separate life". Which is not to say I want nor need to be included in every part of her life, just that everything she does will now have some affect on me.

 

This has been good for us to open up the issue and examine our feelings, establish some boundaries, etc. If there is a silver lining, I am glad it happened now rather than later.

 

Good luck with your situation. As I mentioned at the top, whenever that insecurity raises it's ugly head I try to remind myself the only emotions and feelings I have any control over are my own and I cannot force someone to do something they are not ready to do themself.

[NEONINK]

Wow... You should be giving the advice out here! Great attitude!

It's also great that you can discuss as adults why this has happened. Changing of living situations can cause some problems, but I would like to think it will all be worth it.

[lovehersomuch]

Physician heal thyself, eh?

 

Or maybe, "Do as I say, not as I do...."