His actions are different to his words.

[ClareH]

My ex left me 6 weeks ago. We lived together for 4 months and were together for 8 months. It became a very deep relationship very quickly within weeks we fell for eachother. Slowly we started spending more time together and he gradually started getting stick friom his friends. They stopped texting and calling him and after a while just didnt invite him anywhere.

 

He was so caring towards me and i used to do everything for him. We argued quite a lot(mainly down to my insecurities and me over reacting.)We got on so well though he was like my best friend as well as my lover.

 

We had a bad arguement one night about him feeling like he could never do anything right.After that i made a real effort everyday to make him happy, they were the best few days we had had in a long time, we were all over eachother really loving. It came to wednesday and i just felt something wasnt right, gut feeling i did the worst thing ever. I read his phone.There were messages to his friends, one said that he was thinking about moving out. I got really really upset, beside myself even. The last few days had been so good.

 

At first he was saying we could work it out, then he turned and said he couldnt see it working anymore and was confused to how he felt. I did everything the guilt trip, trying to make him feel sorry for me, telling him things would change. He stayed wednesday night and it was awkward. When i got home Thursday night he was still there, still saying he was confused, i suggested he go away for a couple of days and then come home. He agreed but stayed the night, i did everything that night to try and make him stay without actually saying it including sex. He was all over me all night cuddleing and kissing.(Maybe it was his goodbye) I didnt expect him to still leave the next day after the loving night we had had together, i got home from work and there was a note, 'Im sorry its come to this, ill let you know when im coming home. Love x' That was Friday he didnt text or ring all weekend.

 

It got to Monday and i rang him asking when he was coming home,he wasnt coming home he was just gonna come for his things. That night he came round and started packing, he was crying and said that he still loved me but he just couldnt see it working, he felt trapped and suffocated and felt like he could never do anything right. He kept kissing and cuddleing me while we were both crying. He took the big picture of us that we kept in the living room. When he got home he text me saying he still wanted to see me and keep in contact and that he had put that picture by his bed. He wrote i love you on the end.

 

He rang me when he was drunk on the wednesday nite telling me he loved me and wished he was walking home to me, his friends had been loving the fact we werent together all night apparently.

 

Sunday came, he came round to spend some time with me and it was slightly strange at first, i stayed cheerful and making conversation, he was pretty quiet. We were talking and he said he just wanted to stay friends. I said i couldnt do that at the moment it was too hard, he started kissing and cuddleing me and then it led to sex. when he left he was crying again.

 

I still had hope that he was just saying he wanted to be friends because he was scared it was just going to go back to the way it was. I stayed friendly when he text about the house or i text him, he still had not once text me to see how i was or if i was ok.

 

The next time i saw him it was the friday night,he kept asking me questions about anyone that had asked me out or if i had met anyone. I told the truth i had been asked out twice but hadnt said yes because i wasnt ready, he went mental and left. I saw him the next night by accident in the que to the nightclub, he was all over me, yes he was drunk, he kept telling me how beautiful i looked and bought me a drink. I left i couldnt handle to be there and still try and play it cool.

 

The next time i saw him he was helping me paint the spare room I made him some tea that he didnt eat,and spoke to him about some concert tickets and 2 nights in a hotel i had bought for his birthday it was for the following weekend i asked him if he wanted to go as friends, he said he didnt think it was a good idea as he wouldnt be able to stay just friends with me for the weekend. He seemed like he really didnt want to be at my house so i said that he didnt have to feel like he should stay but he didnt seem to want to leave, we started talking about what had happened to us.

 

He said he still loved me but wasnt in love with me, he said he was happier now. Then he went on to say he missed me, everything about me he missed and everything we had. He said if we ever got back together he would have alot of making up to do, he said that his friends were all saying we would get back together. Then he asked me for a cuddle, then started kissing me one thing led to another and he stayed the night. The thought crossed my mind when i was laid in his arms afterwards that i had been used for sex then i looked at him and he had tears in his eyes when he said 'You are going to make someone so happy one day, maybe it will be me' then 'Your so lovely, i could just stare at you all day' He kept hold of me all night. In the morning when he left he asked me to text him. When i did saying something along the lines of 'i hope last night showed you i can make you happy again' he text back saying 'we'll see, its confused me, i think we need some space to heal.'

 

I havent spoke to him since we only text eachother about the house. I love him very much and i realise i must of hurt him a lot to make him so confused. I just need someone to talk to about it as my family and friends wont listen they think i should get over it and move on.I dont want to be a doormat or used for sex but i want him back i just dont know what to do or whether its too late?His actions say a different story to his words.

 

Any advise on whats happened or where to go from here would be great. I just want to know why hes acted like he has and how i can get him back.

[kitkat289]

yes you've been used emotionally as well as physically!

well men are like that.My ex would also come back after he missed me a lot and when he felt lonely or bored.Iam sure I was just a comfort and he would apologise and tell me that we can work things out and after having a 'yes' from me,he would again back off IN NO TIME!

They just need reassurance and since its hard for them to forget the past,they start to USE US.

 

If he truly loves you he would come back even after 1 year of no co ntact.The only thing that can teach them lessons is NC and only NC can make you and things better.He needs to acknowledge that you are not easily accessible and that he cannot have things his way always!

[ClareH]

Thank you for your reply KitKat!

 

I am trying to better myself through NC, dieting, excercise, seeing friends/family. I even have my first counseling session on wed. I can see why i have to do all this to grow as a person and hopefully be more emotionally stable but what steps can i make to make him want me back?

 

What do you think has happened when reading my situation?How can you go from such a loving night together to still leaving the next day?

[kitkat289]

Look like you must have read somewhere that we are sometimes bound by our old patterns.We keep repeating the same mistakes and no matter how wise we think we have become after this much time, honestly we all know our mistakes that we just cannot stop repeating.And in the same way, the dumpers also follow their old patterns.They come back for few hours/days and then again back off and you cannot make them stop doing it repeatedly.This would happen for as long as you feel that they might have changed this time when they come to you begging/crying (just for their convenience/feel of some loss which is momentary)

 

Now you really wanna know what would make them come back to us forever...?

Well we all know the answers but I would repeat the same thing since you know even the one who reply to your post dont actually follow it in their lives.Like Iam also struggling at this time the same way you've been struggling and its hard every night.

So here are the things,keep telling yourself every day:

1.- When you talk, do not sound too happy hearing him and the moment you get the feeling that he would now be saying goodbye,tell him that you have some work to do or you are getting late for something and so we would talk later.Because it always hurts to hear 'bye' from them.So say it before you hear it.

2.- When he's talking about old times just pretend that you also cherish those moments but do not actually participate in this conversation.Let him wonder if you were somewhat distracted or you are really moving on now.

3.- Show him signs of your busy life even if its very dull.Remember sometimes lying is good as far as it doesnt sound fake/unnatural.

And I generally start telling him things in a funny way and then relate that whole thing with the mention of a guy's name.lol Believe me it looks unbelievably natural to him and most of the times he get really jealous and jealousy is good in order to make him realise the difference between a relationship and friendship.

 

All this kicks his *** and while he;s keeping me hung like this,he;s also suffering because though Iam not seeing anybody and I tell him I wont be in a relationship in future, there are things which furiate him to no extent.

And I guess now I need to do 2 things--

-keep him interested

-keep away from him

 

I hope that helps...here on LS everyone is facing the same kind of disappointment and confusion.I wish God gives each of us the patience to really DO all this hard part without postponing or waiting for some miracle from their side.And gotta do a longer NC this time.

All the best!

[ClareH]

The bit that i find hard is that he doesnt ring or text so i cant do those things, the last few times that he has rang he has always had a ligite reason to(house) even though he does prolong the conversations with questions, i have made out that im busy and said bye first but now i aint heard off him since thursday and we only spoke about the furniture via text.

 

I suppose if im honest im scared hes going to forget about me, he says he doesnt want anyone else and wont be interested in anything like that for a very long time but then again he once said he loves me and would never leave me?

 

I think the major thing that gets me about the whole situation is that it was so sudden and he didnt even want to try and work it out. Yet on the other hand everytime he has seen me he cant look at me cos he says he still wants to kiss and cuddle me, (obviously i aint seen him in nearly a month now so that may have changed)

 

He said when we were talking last time he came round that he never stood up to me and told me his true feelings cos he was worried i would be hurt or i would get really upset and over react.(eg he wanted a night out with his friends)

 

I havent told him that i am moving in with two lads yet in shared accomodation as when i text him saying i was moving out of our house and what did he want me to do with his furniture. He replied 'Sell it with your things' He never asked where i was moving or who with or when. He has never once text me to see if im ok, why is that?how can you all of a sudden not care whether the person you have loved and lived with for 8 months is ok?