A funny true story...for coco_milkshake

[wizer]

A few years ago, as my marriage was winding down, we planned one of our last family vacations. My stbxw would always say to me "you always plan vacations to places you always went as a child!". My response would be "Duh, of course I go to places I went as a child, those are places that were fun for me and I enjoy sharing them with my family." Ok, I said the "duh" part to myself...

 

And of course I gave her the option of planning the vacation to any place she wanted, but she never did. I tried to get the family together in front of the computer so we can discuss different places to go. But they were always like, "you plan it, we don't care". So I did, and when anything went wrong, or wasn't fun for them, it was "my fault" for going back to the same old places...like Disney World, the Florida Keys, upstate NY in the Catskill mountains, a dude ranch, various theme parks, etc. Poor, underprivilidged family I had there...

 

So one day a few years back I was on Cnn.com and reading about how they had recently revamped Baltimore's "Inner Harbor" area, which had become run down, crime ridden, and poverty stricken, but now was a booming tourist area, with shopping malls, children's museum, and the well known Fort Mcinley (where the Star Spangled Banner was written) was open for tours. There was going to be a big celebration for Memorial Day weekend.

 

So I figured it would be a nice, NEW place to bring the family. I booked a hotel, but all the places in the immediate vicinity were booked, so I had to get a room in a hotel about 20 minutes away. If not for this fact, this story would not be written.

 

We drove down from NY to Baltimore, MD, checked into the hotel, the next day we found ourselves being tourists in the Inner Harbor area. As tourists do, we got hungry after checking out the museum and doing a few other things, so we decided to eat at a buffet in one of the malls adjacent to the harbor.

 

I should have known better when I picked up a plate and the bottom of it had food all over it. Yuch. Of course, being me, I just took another plate and filled it up. Over and over.

 

On the way to the car, my stomach started complaining, but I figured I could make it to the hotel, 20 minutes away. By the time we got the car from the parking garage, my stomach was really letting me know it wasn't the least bit happy about my choice of dinner venue. At that point, we were driving out of the parking garage, the streets were mobbed, there was no parking, and I wasn't about to try to find a place to momentarily leave the car while I tried to find a bathroom. We were on a highway when the cramps hit, hard.

 

I realized almost instantly that these were not normal cramps, this was probably food poisoning; there was NO WAY I would make the hotel; and I started to break out in a cold sweat as I clamped my anal muscles together with almost superhuman strength in an attempt to avoid the inevitable, as I swerved the car onto an off ramp and found a suitable location to make the jump.

 

I managed to get the car to the side of the road, but I have a standard transmission, so if the parking brake isnt pulled up far enough, the car starts to roll...well, sure enough in my haste to exit the car, I didnt yank the brake high enough and the wife called, "the car is rolling!". I ran back to the car, hopped in to pull the brake but I was already letting it go through my shorts and onto the driver's seat.

 

Back to the woods where I dropped my shorts and it just poured out of me. "A big soupy mess" isn't even the word for it. All over my shorts, my shoes, my socks. I managed to find my wallet in the crumpled smelly mess that was once my clothing, and just left the rest of it all there. Luckily there were baby wipes in the car and even a sheet, which my wife threw to me through her giggles. My two kids peeking their heads out the window at me in wonder didn't do much for my state of mind either.

 

The ride back to the hotel was no picnic. Yes, I know the car didn't smell so great! Do you guys have to remind me every 5 seconds?! My youngest couldn't wait for the trip to be over so she could tell all her friends.

 

The clincher: Back at the hotel, after my family made sure the coast was clear and I ran to the room with the sheet wrapped around me, my 9 year old started complaining about stomach cramps...but then she looked up, smiled, and said, "at least I didnt poop my pants like Daddy did!"

[coco_milkshake]

You are crazy Wizer. Wish I hadnt been eating when I read that though lol.

 

Thanks for the giggles.