BF's sobriety and my awakening(?)

[polywog]

Hey all,

I posted on this forum a little while back about my new bf's sobriety, and posed a question or two... got great replies.

 

Well, T's facing of his stuff has made things happen for Me. He has been sober now for 40 days or so. I was happy and joined him in his abstinence from alcohol. In the back of my head, I was thinking, "gee... it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to not drink, so this is good".

 

About two weeks ago, as he was progressing in his program, I developed the most overwhelming urge to drink, myself. It made me ashamed. During this time, I admitted this to him. And I found ways to drink in secret. We also, coincidentally, decided to take a break in our relationship.

 

He doesn't feel able to have a serious relationship now while working the program, I've since found out, so I can't be confident that we are going to ever be a couple again. This hurts terribly. We are keeping in contact, and have a close bond, however, so it is hard for me to give up the hope. But I'll continue....

 

My history with alcohol has troubled me more than I care to admit. I've always felt like I could control it, but earlier this year when my LTR ended brutally, I began abusing alcohol. It scared me because it was the first time I'd ever began to realize a problem, a lack of control. I posted about it on this forum, and got great replies. I admitted to my therapist that I was afraid I had a problem, and after saying it out loud, and considering going to AA, the problem just sort of went away. Until the past few weeks.

 

This last week, it has been what I consider out of control. I have been drinking everyday, sometimes most of the day. It has scared the shyt out of me. I've felt unbelievable shame. I've also isolated myself all week to some degree, except for posting on LS.

 

Well, this morning I just realized I have to change. I'm going to go to an AA meeting in a few hours. I'm really scared, but I have to muster up the courage and see where it takes me. Because it couldn't be anywhere worse than where I am right now.

 

I just find it fascinating that T and I were drawn together in the first place. We joke that we are "separated at birth", and indeed, we have so much in common that it's erie. But this, wow...

 

Wish me luck, guys.

[Phateless]

Wow, good luck! Alcohol can be tricky like that. I've noticed myself lately having more of a magnetism to alcohol than I ever thought I would and for now I know I can control it, but I know that I have to keep an eye on it. I think it all comes down to willpower. One of my friends once told me "ultimately, YOU control your own actions, and no amount of rationalization or psycho-babble can change that." Those words have stuck with me and have helped me through some of the hardest things I've went though.

 

You ARE in control, you just have to exercise it and prove it to yourself. Every time you reach for that bottle you are making a conscious choice, and it's up to you to choose to put it back without drinking.

[polywog]

Thanks Phateless.

I mean to clarify something that may not have been clear on my post. When T made the choice to get sober, I didn't want to admit it, but it resonated with something in myself. Like I knew we had this in common, in a similar way.

 

Like I have done, he has used alcohol to quell some deep pain that he can't face. Like me, he hasn't always turned to alcohol all the time. But he has used it, as I must admit I do, to numb-out. It's really, I think, for some people about a "soul sickness", not positive that it is always a physical addiction for all of us. But it is an escape, in my case I feel. Guess I'll find out and see where this all leads.

[Phateless]

I totally agree with you. When I'm at the bars I definitely feel more comfortable if i'm drunk. And there was this party I went to a couple of weeks ago where everyone was like 6 years younger than me and I was there to meet someone specific so I couldn't bounce. I felt real uncomfortable and as soon as I saw someone taking a shot I joined in and nailed three in a row, two beers on top of that, and then started feeling ok.

 

But then again I'll go a week and not touch the stuff just because I don't feel like it... so go figure. It's hard to tell the difference in a college town...

[polywog]

Yeah, I grew up in a college town that was known for its bars! But oddly enough, I didn't drink back then, or have much of an urge to. In fact, I didn't really start drinking in any regular way until I was about 30 years old, when I was married to an alcoholic (who was in denial, maybe still is.... I dunno, we're divorced).

 

When I was married to this guy, he always wanted to have a bottle of wine with every meal, so I got in the habit of drinking that with him, and I think that, and the fact that it was not a happy union, taught me the lesson that alcohol numbs you out... which seems handy.

 

When T and I started dating, we did the same thing, and I commented that it reminded me of when I was married to my alcoholic husband, and that I felt as if we could never really get to know each other if we were drinking most nights. He agreed, but we kept it up. Then T became sober. And now I am realizing all about facing the numbing-out to keep reality (whatever that is:p) at bay.

 

I could be using it because I am scared if intimacy, or scared of myself, I don't know what. But I am using it to avoid something, and I'm finally tired of it.

 

Even if my relationship with T never blossoms into anything more than a friendship (BUT, Geeez... I really do want more!) I'll always be grateful that meeting him has made me choose to face whatever this is.

 

Now I'm off to my First AA Meeting. Ugh, I'm scared.

[johan]

It's good to see someone post about making a good choice and trying to improve. Good luck to you, and I hope you have great success.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Now I'm off to my First AA Meeting. Ugh, I'm scared.

 

Good luck there.

 

Let me know what they said and the impression you got.

 

I like to drink too, not because I'm depressed and stuff but because I like the buzz.

 

It's fun you know, to do the things you normally do but in a cloud, foating away, in a buzz. I light up the candles, the incense, and it's so cool.

 

The problem is I have to be careful not to do it every day, not to email Denver guy like I've done several times, and not to say something really rude in here too.

 

Ariadne

[polywog]

Well, I just got back from the meeting. While I was driving there (it was in a town 45mins. away) I felt scared sh**less, but also felt something really great, like my soul pumping its fist and saying "Yay". That was an unexpected and nice feeling. It confirmed something for me.

 

When I got there it was about 15 minutes early, and I just felt... petrified... in the parking lot. But I made myself walk up that gravel path through a group of strangers who were talking outside (yikes... shyness) and entered. There was a really friendly vibe, and a few women came up to me right away and greeted me very casually and kindly, so I felt comfortable right away. I explained that it was my first time, and they were very welcoming. Not in a pushy icky way, but in a way that made me feel relaxed, which I must say, I did not expect to feel. I asked a lady who sat next to me how the meeting would go (I've been to other 12 step meetings) and she explained it, and told me that they ask if it's someone's first time, and if I felt like it I could raise my hand and introduce myself, but that I didn't have to. Well, I did, and the guy running the meeting aimed the whole meeting's theme at that, and at the first step, because there was a newcomer there. I mean, there were probably 60 people there! And it amazed me that my visit prompted the theme of that meeting. I was the only first timer there.

 

For the hour, all sorts of people told their stories of their first meeting, or talked about the first step, and some of them were very articulate and got to me.

 

After the meeting ended, all sorts of people came up to welcome me and introduce themselves, and someone shoved "The Big Book" in my hand with all of the phone numbers of the members and local meeting schedules. One woman in particular, who's talk I particularly liked, asked me to call her if I needed to. Others offered me rides to meetings, people who live nearby me. I know this might sound almost too good, and perhaps even "cult-like", but that's not at all how it felt. It just felt like kindness on a big scale.

 

It was a great experience.

 

Afterwards, I stopped at T's to tell him about it. We had a great talk. Then he explained that he just can't be in a relationship right now because of his own work on himself. It was, I see, the end... not just on hold, but that it just can't happen right now. And he doesn't foresee if it ever can, not because of me, but because of himself. Gawd. But of course, we will still bump into each other at meetings and stay in contact, I suppose. OUCH.

 

He has told me that he has never felt so close to anybody, and I feel that way about him... not just as a guy, but as a person. I can't help wanting to hold onto hope. But I think that's a useless thing to do, and that AGAIN, I have to let go. Let go of a man I feel crazy about, and I think, love. He gave me that "when one door closes another one opens", etc. Yes, I know... but I'm sick of doors closing. I feel that I must trust in the universe, but at this moment, that's hard to do.

 

What a year. It will be interesting to see how my next year goes. And see how this AA work goes, too.

 

polywog, on yet another roller-coaster ride, and not happy about it.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Oh wow, what a meeting.

 

You were the star there, some welcome.

 

Reminds me of the time I went to some Krishna group in LA, what was that all about? I didn't go again. They seemed to eager to recruit and on the devotional side.

 

Well, see what happens...

 

He gave me that "when one door closes another one opens"

 

That totally sucks as.

 

Ariadne

[polywog]

It's good to see someone post about making a good choice and trying to improve. Good luck to you, and I hope you have great success.

 

Thanks, J.

 

Hey,

 

Oh wow, what a meeting.

 

You were the star there, some welcome.

 

Reminds me of the time I went to some Krishna group in LA, what was that all about? I didn't go again. They seemed to eager to recruit and on the devotional side.

 

Well, see what happens...

 

He gave me that "when one door closes another one opens"

 

That totally sucks as.

 

Ariadne

 

Well, I understand your comparison to the Krishna group, but this isn't something anyone is trying to get me to "join". They realize that it's a big thing for me to be there, and are doing their best to make me feel welcome. There is a group aspect to it, like all of us there benefit the group, so I suppose that could be read as "recruiting", in some way. But I don't really feel that, though I can see why my post prompted the comparison for you.

[Art_Critic]

This last week, it has been what I consider out of control. I have been drinking everyday, sometimes most of the day. It has scared the shyt out of me. I've felt unbelievable shame. I've also isolated myself all week to some degree, except for posting on LS.

 

Well, this morning I just realized I have to change. I'm going to go to an AA meeting in a few hours. I'm really scared, but I have to muster up the courage and see where it takes me. Because it couldn't be anywhere worse than where I am right now.

 

Awwww.. Hugs PolyWog... Picking up your white chip can be so empowering..

You are one smart lady and I'm real proud of you...

 

Keep going back.. and PM me if you I can help you with anything...

[polywog]

Awwww.. Hugs PolyWog... Picking up your white chip can be so empowering..

You are one smart lady and I'm real proud of you...

 

Keep going back.. and PM me if you I can help you with anything...

 

Thanks Art!

 

Your reply means a lot !

[lovesparis]

oftentimes, people who start recovery have a hard time being in R, b/c the work they have to do on themselves is overwhelming. it's also not recommended by the programs. neither is spending time with their old friends.

 

someone i know is in a program and it took 5 years of being in the program to feel that he was on top of his game enough to start something with someone else. even then, it's a whole new ballgame.

 

once people get started and really immerse themselves in the steps, they usually have to go back and conquor all the emotions and feelings they were trying to suppress.

 

the 12-step prog's can be a little cultlike, as everything revolves around the steps and the people; surrounding yourself with sober ppl, etc. however, by the time most ppl make it to the mtngs, they need stability, organization, and to be told what,when and how... eventually, as time passes, and people grow into the person they want to be, the prog becomes less and less of an influence and more of the support syst it was designed as.

 

good going for you to take that big step and go to a meeting. keep going back!!!

[polywog]

oftentimes, people who start recovery have a hard time being in R, b/c the work they have to do on themselves is overwhelming. it's also not recommended by the programs. neither is spending time with their old friends.

 

someone i know is in a program and it took 5 years of being in the program to feel that he was on top of his game enough to start something with someone else. even then, it's a whole new ballgame.

 

once people get started and really immerse themselves in the steps, they usually have to go back and conquor all the emotions and feelings they were trying to suppress.

 

the 12-step prog's can be a little cultlike, as everything revolves around the steps and the people; surrounding yourself with sober ppl, etc. however, by the time most ppl make it to the mtngs, they need stability, organization, and to be told what,when and how... eventually, as time passes, and people grow into the person they want to be, the prog becomes less and less of an influence and more of the support syst it was designed as.

 

good going for you to take that big step and go to a meeting. keep going back!!!

 

Thanks Paris! I just got back from a meeting actually.

 

I don't intend to be in any relationships right now. And I plan to get a sponser sometime in the next week, and have someone in mind.

 

I can honestly say that in my case, at least, I don't feel right now that I'm a total wreck due to alcohol. I've lived a lot of life, most of it sober, and have done a lot of work on myself. I'm fairly self-aware, and basicly happy. I'm successful in my field, as well. My friends are not drunks, and many of them don't drink at all so I don't feel a need to avoid my old friends, luckily. I didn't live a drunk life. But my relationship with alcohol was holding me back from being the best I can be... it became something that was starting to have control and held me back from enjoying my potential and the fruits of my accomplishments.

 

I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that the work is not going to be overwhelming for me, mostly.... though I really am just so new at it, that I'm prepared for times of it. I am fortunate in having a lot of solid internal resources, though... this I just know.

 

I'm just ready.... to get to the work. And hopefully reap the rewards, god willing.