Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Took my wife's granddaughter to see the Christmas show one of my daughters (a dancer and teacher) wrote and choreographed. That was fine and I enjoyed granddaughter's pleasure in the dancers and music. Then while in the car returning home, the bomb drops that my wife has agreed to watch her granddaughter for three or four days during Christmas week and during my scheduled vacation. This was never mentioned to me, discussed with me nor agreed to by me. When I DARED to object to such lack of courtesy and consideration I was accused of squelching her joy in her grandchildren. What a bunch of crap! It has everything to do with her, once again, disrespecting and disregarding her husband. That seems to be the story of my life in this marriage and I’m sick of it. Had my wife asked me about it, I most likely would have been fine with it unless I had other plans in mind in which case we could have/would have discussed it and worked around it. Instead, any plans I may have thought, considered and wanted to bring up and discuss beforehand don’t matter. The time is already taken and her “family” takes precedence over all other considerations. I’ll cancel the relevant vacation days. Why bother wasting the time on the books? How typical. She doesn’t even know for sure what she agreed to in terms of specific days, just that it's probably four, but what the hell, it will be what it will be and when it comes to “family,” I don’t count AT ALL! I just don’t get it. My wife is not a stupid person. She’s anything but. So what makes her think she can so completely discount and minimize her husband then expect him to remain married to her? It makes no sense at all, and even less as time goes on, if that’s possible. I’m being driven away. There are no two ways about it. It may even be by design. The only question is when I’ll get smart enough and fed up enough to simply admit defeat and get the hell out of this one-sided relationship. Lest anyone thinks I'm jumping the gun, my vacation plans and days off were thoroughly discussed months in advance, are clearly marked on the calendar and this follows a long line of three-day weekends I've had or taken when suddenly, she commits to watching grandchildren without consulting me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 She is putting her "blood" family first before you and that's just not right in this situation. She should have discussed the idea of taking her grandchild with you, not just gone ahead and decided to do it, knowing that you had plans already made. Inconsiderate, selfish - Yet not malcious... Her actions are showing you that you two are living two separate lives though living under one roof. She wants what she wants, yet she does have expectations of you, though you aren't allowed to have any expectations of her. Maybe it's the BP, or maybe she has ADD as well, I don't know - But what I do know is, she owes you an explanation and an appology. Link to post Share on other sites
addicted2love Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Very frustrating... Hard to look forward to time off together when she's already planned your time off for you. I would feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hard to look forward to time off together when she's already planned your time off for you. That saying, "My time is HER time, but her time is HER time." Selfish of her indeed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Her actions are showing you that you two are living two separate lives though living under one roof. She wants what she wants, yet she does have expectations of you, though you aren't allowed to have any expectations of her. I couldn't have put it any better, WWIU, and it makes the pieces fall into place. I'd reached the point where I couldn't see the forest fopr the trees. You articulated it perfectly! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
addicted2love Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 That saying, "My time is HER time, but her time is HER time." Selfish of her indeed... I agree with you Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 I couldn't have put it any better, WWIU, and it makes the pieces fall into place. I'd reached the point where I couldn't see the forest fopr the trees. You articulated it perfectly! Thank you! You're welcome, but it makes me sad that what I said makes perfect sense to you... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Lest anyone thinks I'm jumping the gun, my vacation plans and days off were thoroughly discussed months in advance, are clearly marked on the calendar and this follows a long line of three-day weekends I've had or taken when suddenly, she commits to watching grandchildren without consulting me at all. So on these three-day weekends, did you just do whatever you felt like doing (regardless of her) and did she go along with it? Did she take care of YOUR grandchildren on these weekends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 So on these three-day weekends, did you just do whatever you felt like doing (regardless of her) and did she go along with it? Did she take care of YOUR grandchildren on these weekends? What I'd usually had in mind was a bit of a weekend getaway or the complete freedom to simply do something spontaneously. What I felt like doing was doing something with her, just the two of us. Even when she knew what I had in mind she'd often schedule something with HER grandchildren instead. For the record, MY closest grandchildren live about 100 miles away and my most distant over 1,000 miles away. The answer to YOUR question is a resounding, "No!" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 OB, do you know Cur's situation? Just seems you're accusing him of something and trying to make him out to be the bad guy here. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Curmudgeon, I have been following your stories about your life/wife. The thought that came to me once again when I read this...is she doing everything to avoid spending time alone with you? Or am I reading too much into this? Why would she want to avoid spending the vacation with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Curm, my wife has agreed to watch her granddaughter for three or four days during Christmas week This is the time of joy and family. No need to be upset. Enjoy what comes your way. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Man, Curmudge.... I don't feel like I have anything to add to what the others have said here, but my sympathy. It sounds like she is finding ways to sabotage intimacy, that sounds like the message, whether she realizes it or not. It is certainly selfish, and her BP condition perhaps dictates this, but I dunno. Maybe her motives are fear of intimacy? Her reaction to your protests is unreasonable, though.... geez, I don't know what to say..... it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Why would she want to avoid spending the vacation with you? "Fear of flying?" I think she may be afraid of the intimacy that comes from a true, committed relationship which is a concept that is new to her, even after all these years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 It sounds like she is finding ways to sabotage intimacy, that sounds like the message, whether she realizes it or not. It is certainly selfish, and her BP condition perhaps dictates this, but I dunno. Maybe her motives are fear of intimacy? Her reaction to your protests is unreasonable, though.... geez, I don't know what to say..... it sucks. I just posted something about "Fear of Flying" (intimacy) and then I read your post. Great minds think alike, obviously! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Curm, my wife has agreed to watch her granddaughter for three or four days during Christmas week This is the time of joy and family. No need to be upset. Enjoy what comes your way. Ariadne There is no "joy" in "family" if a key member is left out of the decision-making process and his/her plans are not just ignored but not even considered. More than enough reason for upset. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 "Fear of flying?" I think she may be afraid of the intimacy that comes from a true, committed relationship which is a concept that is new to her, even after all these years. Have you ever discussed this with her? I am sure that the vacation is now a hot button issue, but is it still possible to ask if she decided to watch the granddaughters for a reason...besides being with family. Or rather, is there a reason she is avoiding spending time alone with you? Having read the many issues over the years with her, I am guessing that this may not be a fruitful conversation, but yet, one never knows. Do the two of you still have good conversations together? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hi, More than enough reason for upset. That is just wasted energy Curm. You are old enough to know best. Enjoy the child. Children are a blessing. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 I just posted something about "Fear of Flying" (intimacy) and then I read your post. Great minds think alike, obviously! Clearly.... you, me, and James M have pretty much posted the same concept! In my case, it's not a great mind, it's a person who's been through the wringer and goes "uh-oh" when they see some posts. Anyway, it sounds like she is like a feral animal when it comes to intimacy, since you've posted that it's something she hasn't had any practice at. And whether she's trainable... geez, I hope so for your sake. Guess I can see how it would both require patience and frustrate the h*ll out of ya. Oy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Have you ever discussed this with her? I am sure that the vacation is now a hot button issue, but is it still possible to ask if she decided to watch the granddaughters for a reason...besides being with family. Or rather, is there a reason she is avoiding spending time alone with you? Having read the many issues over the years with her, I am guessing that this may not be a fruitful conversation, but yet, one never knows. Do the two of you still have good conversations together? I've discussed the issue of committing me to anything without discussing it with me first many times before. It's known no-no, or should be. Perhaps she is avoiding time alone with me and if so, that would be rather ludicrous since she's been complaining about lack of intimacy of late. I know! We'll invite all seven (eight as of next week) grandchildren to spend my entire vacation with us. That should improve our intimacy, right? Obviously our conversations of late are not fruitful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Ariadne, you're preaching to the choir. I have five children, four grandchildreen and another due this week. I also have two step[children and another three grandchildren from them. That tips the scales at seven children and eight grandchildren. Yes, they're all blessings. That doesn't mean my life revolves around them in its entirety. I love seeing them and enjoy spending time with them. I also like and expect "me" and "us" time. Most of all I DO NOT agree with my times being committed without my prior knowledge and approval, for any reason. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 As a grandparent, and also a blended family participant, I am reading this thread. I think your vacation time should be discussed with you, definitely. My feelings have been hurt in that area. I understand that. I don't know much about your marriage, but your courtship and eventual marriage is a beautiful story. I think my own story is equally as beautiful. Blending is still difficult. I wouldn't promise days that he's on vacation without consulting him. It's a respect thing for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Blending is still difficult. I wouldn't promise days that he's on vacation without consulting him. It's a respect thing for me. Someone who understands completely. It's not and never was about not wanting her granddaughter here. I happen to love her, have been in her life since she was 18 months old, spenty several years raising her in our home and am the only Grandpa she's ever known. It is everything and all about respect! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Does your wife still read LS? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Poor C-Lion, you deserve so much more respect then she is giving you I get that she isn't exactly the most mentally/emotionally stable person because of her BP condition. But I really do want for you to get everything you deserve from this woman, and her the same from you. You both deserve to be happy and it is unfortunate she doesn't take your feelings or best interests under consideration when she should. I can imagine her reaction if the roles were reversed, she'd be pretty annoyed with you right? Link to post Share on other sites
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