marlena Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hi Curm, I tend to agree with Ariadne. This is not the time to aggravate an already bad situation. It's Christmas and spending it around children is indeed a blessing. Just tell her that you would appreciate it if she would dicuss things with you first and let it go at that! It might be a good idea to put your problems on hold for the holidays. You'll have plenty of time to address issues later! Has she been to the doctor's yet? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 OB, do you know Cur's situation? Just seems you're accusing him of something and trying to make him out to be the bad guy here. No, that wasn't my intention - and I apologize, Curmudgeon, if that's the way it came across. I assume he started this thread to get input from the LS community about his problem (like everyone else here)... and I'm a big believer in checking one's own inventory before auditing someone else's -- especially one's spouse. And no, I don't know his whole story. From his infrequent posts in the OW/OM and Infidelity forums, I gathered he was very happily ensconsed in his second M and very proud of his W. This thread was a surprise to me. Anyway... I agree it's a no-no for one spouse to make plans without consulting the other first (both my parents were VERY careful about that!!). But on the other hand, I hate to see it blow up over a grandchild at Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hi C-- How did her doctor's appointment go Friday? Any progress there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Doctor cancelled and rescheduled. Did order a change in dosages though. Appointment will now be next week I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Doesn't. Never did! Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Doctor cancelled and rescheduled. Did order a change in dosages though. Appointment will now be next week I believe. I hope for the best, C. Hope there is a "respect" pill in there, someplace:p. Seriously, this is tough stuff and I send my (((HUGS))) polywog Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hi Curm, I tend to agree with Ariadne. This is not the time to aggravate an already bad situation. It's Christmas and spending it around children is indeed a blessing. Just tell her that you would appreciate it if she would dicuss things with you first and let it go at that! It might be a good idea to put your problems on hold for the holidays. You'll have plenty of time to address issues later! Has she been to the doctor's yet? I'm really beginning to feel that way now. She's been told a number of times about scheduling things that impact me without first consulting or at least informing me. She seems to have a real knack for doing it on those rare occasions when I have more than just a normal weekend off even though I clearly mark three-day weekends and vacations on the same calendar on which she schedules visits with and activities for grandchildren. I wouldn't bet on "plenty of time" to discuss these issues, yet again, after the holidays. Dr. rescheduled her appointment for next week due to some conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 i'm sorry for your situation C=Lion! call her bluff and go on your own vacation while she is away. you can come visit me and my family! you are familiar with this area... Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Man. I haven't ready all the replies (sorry!) and I may be totally off-target with all this, but reading your thread really broke my heart. And not just because in your previous descriptions of your relationship (before all this popped up) I really looked up to your R as evidence of the possibility of finding real love. I think it broke my heart because from how I saw it, of COURSE your wife is going to put the blood relatives first. Cause they are her family. You're too but to a lesser degree, especially as she ages and realizes there's not much time left. Blood is thick. It's natural to be drawn to people you're most similar to. It's a frustrating position for you to be put in but it seems like the options are you work it out and compromise or you go your separate ways. And I really don't think either of you will be happier having lost each other. So work it out, maybe? Give her a break? Be more understanding of her desires, even when they don't involve you? I mean, life is more than just love. If you want a happy LTR you have to let your partner ride it sometimes, without thinking of you -- or so I think. To let them have the fullest life. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 i'm sorry for your situation C=Lion! call her bluff and go on your own vacation while she is away. you can come visit me and my family! you are familiar with this area... Well, this is interesting! What would happen if you just did what YOU want, C., without her? It seems like game playing to suggest it, but could it provide a wake-up to her, of she's capable of having a wake-up? Like a toughlove sort of gesture? It's so painful to see you having to always be the one to buck up and accept, is this necessarily something that Has To Be all the time? Just asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hi, Yes, they're all blessings. That doesn't mean my life revolves around them in its entirety. Weren't you going to go to San Francisco? And you cancelled everything? What do you want. (Btw, I don't think she'll have to ask for your permission to have her grandchild in her house. I know my mother would have said yes on the spot and not ask my father about something like that, she has autonomy that way, not to buy a refrigerator, but yes about her family) Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Sorry you're going through this, Curm. I've been there myself. This was a BIG issue in our marriage in our early years together. I swear sometimes I don't know how we got through it all. He used to do that to me ALL the time. We had joint custody of my stepson. And I can't tell you how many times his ex would make other plans when it was "her week" and of course, H would say it was ok without even checking with me. So then I'd have to cancel plans that I had made for us. Her wants and her desires always came before mine. Yes, his EX. I've never told this story on here but I will now. It was so bad that I almost didn't marry him. That sort of thing not only went on during the early part of our marriage but it started when we were still engaged of course. But the WORST thing was, you won't believe this one, it happened on our wedding day! Yup. It was our wedding day and guess who calls and says her car is stuck somewhere and she needs help. I hear my H on the other line telling her he'll be right there. WHAT? I was livid. I told him to call her back and tell her to call AAA or someone. That he's not her husband anymore. Can you believe this? He wouldn't. He said "She's the mother of my child and I have to go help her." Wow. So he left in the middle of our pre-wedding drink together. I was left alone. I seriously, seriously contemplating whether to cancel our wedding which was only in a couple of hours. I decided not to though. He's a good man and I was madly in love with him. And one of the reasons why I love him so much is that he's an extremely kind and caring man. But it was those very qualities of his that made it impossible to turn her down on our wedding day. I knew though that I was going to have to work very hard to change that whole messed up situation. When he came back we talked about it some and he said I should take it as a compliment that he did that because if it were anyone else he knew they would never understand and would have flip out and canceled the wedding or something. But that I'm a very understanding and kind-hearted person...yeah right. (He didn't know me as well as he thought he did!) So anyway, we did get married but this type of thing continued for a good year afterward. It was only after a year of my raising cane about it (and after she finally got a boyfriend) that it stopped. I don't know what to say to you other than obviously I think she's dead wrong to do this. You, as her husband, should come FIRST, not last as you are now. Her priorities are messed up and she's being very selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Leoni Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 A marriage is between two people. Your wife needs to take this into consideration and discuss plans with you. It doesn't matter if it's family or not. All it takes is to say to her daughters, "I would love to do this but let me check with C. first, to make sure he doesn't have other plans, as well." Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 sounds like subconsciously, she's trying to sabotage you, Curm. To see just how far she can push before you snap. And her family are the perfect pawns, because she can then say "But he should love/care for me enough to put YOU children first" as she builds up sympathy for her cause. Especially if she's still talking divorce but stringing you along by saying things like "there's not intimacy, etc, you need to do something about it" ... Btw, I don't think she'll have to ask for your permission to have her grandchild in her house. I know my mother would have said yes on the spot and not ask my father about something like that, she has autonomy that way, not to buy a refrigerator, but yes about her family ideally, yes, but for that to happen both parents need to be on the same page, and respect and consideration are a HUGE part of compromise. When they've made prior plans that she's consented to, then she throws a monkey wrench in those plans because she refuses to approach her husband about their grandkids needing them, that's flat-out wrong. It's not that he has a problem with the kids themselves, but the underhanded way his wife is acting. And it is underhanded for someone to totally disregard their partner's input when that person knows they are committed otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 any update my good buddy? been thinking about you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 any update my good buddy? been thinking about you... Every now and again my wife describes herself as flawed or defective and I suppose she could be considered that in some ways. Bipolar is not pleasant! That leaves me with the choice of accepting who and what she is, as she is, and loving her in spite of herself or rejecting her and "freeing" myself of the burden. In her own way my wife's a wonderfully loving, intelligent, kind and giving person no matter how displaced some of her values or beliefs may be. She is also completely faithful and loyal. I've certainly been with worse. I was married to one for 25 years who was neither kind, giving or loving, nor loyal and faithful. My wife has been in my life for 16 years and was a great comfort to me as a friend when I was going through the very nasty divorce 13 years ago. Asking her out two years later just seemed right. In most ways it still does! Now the holidays are upon us with the pressures they entail. I've promoted into a very different job. My wife's mother is failing and that has necessitated taking on all her issues; both care and finances. This is not a good or fair time to make any momentous, life-changing decisions, so I won't! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Every now and again my wife describes herself as flawed or defective and I suppose she could be considered that in some ways. Bipolar is not pleasant! That leaves me with the choice of accepting who and what she is, as she is, and loving her in spite of herself or rejecting her and "freeing" myself of the burden. In her own way my wife's a wonderfully loving, intelligent, kind and giving person no matter how displaced some of her values or beliefs may be. She is also completely faithful and loyal. I've certainly been with worse. I was married to one for 25 years who was neither kind, giving or loving, nor loyal and faithful. My wife has been in my life for 16 years and was a great comfort to me as a friend when I was going through the very nasty divorce 13 years ago. Asking her out two years later just seemed right. In most ways it still does! Now the holidays are upon us with the pressures they entail. I've promoted into a very different job. My wife's mother is failing and that has necessitated taking on all her issues; both care and finances. This is not a good or fair time to make any momentous, life-changing decisions, so I won't! Curmudgeon, You are a wise man, one who has lived more than one life, so to say. The holidays are hard on many of us. There are many additional blending of families where there are almost none during the rest of the year (at least for some of us.) I respect your decision to step back and wait. It is easy to get frustrated when our normal daily life is disrupted. I have been struggling with this myself and nearly lashed out today after two emails and two voice mails from my mother, who will be visiting next week. In order to keep the peace for what is likely to be at least another year, I have chosen to bite my tongue. I will be nice. It will be peaceful. My mother can be demanding at times and I haven't answered her fast enough (with info I honestly didn't possess.) I now have the info and have chosen to answer via email as well as call her tomorrow. I would really love to tell her to go to the source for info (my son, and yes, she has his contact info) but will restrain myself. I spent most of the day fuming and making her suffer just a bit more because of the bitchy way she spoke to me, but now I'm looking at the olive branch extension. I will apologize. I won't make excuses. She will be here next week and I want it to be as pleasant as possible. I'm considering myself lucky that my father will not be accompanying her! I can only take so much! Last year I had them both, so I count my blessings. It appears that you are still counting your blessings as well. I know you love your wife deeply. I know how much you appreciate the support during that nasty divorce. She is not now, and will never be, perfect. It is sometimes hard to accept the less than desirable aspects of a SO, but I deal with that daily myself and still appreciate all the good he has brought to me. I sense that you do too. (In other words, we've had worse. MUCH worse. ) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 This is not a good or fair time to make any momentous, life-changing decisions, so I won't! Yes, when indoubt, DON'T! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 Yes, when indoubt, DON'T!I couldn't agree more. My sister once told me that when you don't know what to do, do nothing until you are sure of what to do. On a separate note, other than my mother, I made a decision as to what to do in another aspect of my life today and am anxious to carry it out. It involves a "friend." I do hope it will not be executed until January, but what will happen will happen. I won't contact her, but if contacts me, I will say what needs to be said. Still, a life partner, like a wife, is a different story and requires more thought. Link to post Share on other sites
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