Anxiety Attack over divorce

[WantingBetter]

Hi, I'm new, but I truly need to vent/get advice. I've been married over 20 years to a man who, when sober, is the absolutely perfect mate for me. Other than his drinking, we have not had any fights over anything - we see eye-to-eye on most everything, and those we don't agree on we easily compromise. "S" drank when I met him, but I didn't think it would be a major problem. I know, young and naive, learned my lesson.

 

S's mother drinks like a fish. His dad drank also, and died at 54 from heart disease. S handled it much better than I thought he would. Now his mother lives down the street from us, and he stops off to "talk business" with her often. His early family friends all thought drinking was the cat's meow, and would joke about how drunk they could get, "a sandwich in every can," and other things that made me want to puke. As the years have gone on, S's drinking has gotten worse.

 

We have built a very successful business, and we have commercial property with a trailer on it, which we were going to make into an office at one point. We also have rental property, and are in the process of building our dream/retirement home, which is not finished and has specialty systems in it that S knows how to install, but not too many other people in this area.

 

In the past, there were times that things in our relationship had deteriorated to the point where he had moved out to to the trailer and I was happy to see him go. I was two days from seeing a lawyer about a divorce when he sobered up and begged to come home. He said he was tired of being despised, and wanted to be close to me again. He was good for a long time, but gradually the drinking began again.

 

He now tends to be angry more often than not, and tries to pick fights. I have now refused to talk to him when he's drunk (almost every night), which he's not happy about, but I left one night when he kept trying to "talk". Our oldest daughter is out of the house, but we still have a teenage son with 2 1/2 years left before he graduates high school. In the past I have despaired about leaving S, agonizing over whether half a father is better than no father, putting myself between S and his kids and taking his abuse rather than them. Our kids have turned out wonderfully well - both are involved in church, make good grades, have friends, and neither of them drink or are involved in any kind of drug. Go figure.

 

Recently, I asked S to move out of the house. He was complying with my request, and for the first time I began to have panic attacks. My stomach cramped up, I couldn't concentrate, at times I thought I would hyperventilate. I was overwhelmed with the idea of what to do with our business, our properties, our half-built house, with our son, our daughter in college...I talked S into coming back home, but my stomach took a week to get back into shape. I feel like such a wuss.

 

S has asked me to accept the fact that he's an alcoholic. I have tried to not be angry with him; he is very sensitive to me feeling negatively towards him. I never thought of him as having low self-esteem, but when he's drunk he says things like "I'm NOT a bad person" and "I need a hug" and "You'll never understand what I'm going through". Since I have eased up on him, the fights have abated. He doesn't drink and drive like he used to (actually hired a taxi to pick up our son from church instead of driving).

 

S is now undergoing hypnotherapy in an attempt to control his drinking. His first appointment was Monday. He was sober Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and has fallen off the wagon in a big way until today, Sunday. I am hopeful, but not overly so, that this will work. If it doesn't work, S has said that this is it - no more trying to fight it.

 

My desire is to find a way to deal with my anxiety so that I can divorce his rear if and when the time comes. How do I deal with him? Am I doing the right thing? How can I protect myself financially (I handle all the money for every single account we have)? I am so scared. Especially if I can't make it until our son is on his own.

[whichwayisup]

He needs to go to AA..

 

And with your anxiety, see a therapist who specalizes in anxiety disorders - Cognitive behavioural therapy is what it's called. I am much better now, but in the past I suffered badly from anxiety and panic attacks, so I know exactly what you are going through.

 

Google CBT and your city, check your local hospitals, college's, clinics - I'm sure you'll find someone to help you.

 

Rely on your family and friends for support, don't go through this alone. Right now you don't have any control over the situation, and until your husband decides to quit drinking, and want to stay sober, there isn't much you can do to help him...This isn't about love anymore, it's about survival and living a stress-free, drama-free life.

[WantingBetter]

S has been in AA before. He didn't like it, it didn't work (I think one of the steps intimidated him, but he never admitted it), and he won't go back. This hypnotherapy is the first time I've heard him speak positively about any kind of therapy. Maybe he's reached his "bottom," since he's embarrassed himself and found himself in bad situations - he had a wreck last summer, and his son will no longer go anywhere in public with him, lest he pass out again. He's been trying to make changes - not drinking and driving (or at least cutting back), and not forcing me to "talk" (he gets frustrated at it, but he knows I'll leave the house). The fact that he's going through with hypnotherapy is a very positive sign. But I've seen positive signs before. Pardon me if I don't hold my breath.

[Moose]

Please try to get into Alanon.

 

They are great people and know how to deal with the very problems you're going through. I know that you're not the one drinking, but trust me when I say that these people can really make a difference with what you're going through.