how to act around unavailable interests

[drschmetterling]

the last few times i've been interested in a girl (that is, in a relationship rather than just a fling) and had some solid positive signals in return i've always made the same mistakes. i think to myself "right, this time i can't cock it up. i need to show that i'm not just interested in getting laid, so i need to take things a little more slowly."

 

a little of my background is probably necessary to explain why this always goes so wrongly for me. i'm not into mainstream music and i'm generally just not a mainstream kind of guy. i have -- let's say -- an unusual hairstyle, and so i don't fit the bill for what most girls are looking for when i do get dragged to a mainstream club. (and let alone my lack of skill dancing to chart music.) for these reasons i haven't been able to build up flirting skills in the easiest, "throwaway" environment. the only experience i've had here is when it actually mattered to me, with girls i'm inevitably going to see around campus or in clubs regularly. so i haven't ever really gone all out and experimented.

 

back to the situation -- the last couple of interests of mine were both single when it mattered. in both of these cases i did pretty well when i first met her, but then later when there's a text message conversation going on i obviously don't give off quite the right signals -- messages are perhaps not flirty enough or too far apart -- and suddenly these girls have been snapped up by other guys. in my determination to "play it cool" i seem to come across as simply not interested.

 

i'm still very interested in these two girls, and see both every now and then at live music events.

 

so i guess i'm asking two questions...

 

how do i find the balance between "playing it cool" and showing that i want to take things further?

 

and the current problem -- how do i act around unavailable girls in whom i'm still interested? one of the two and her boyfriend are the least couply couple i've ever seen and i get the impression she settled for him reluctantly when she gave up on me. i'm even more uncomfortable now with the other girl -- her boyfriend has just left for another country and won't be back for close to six months! i just don't know how to act.

 

any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

 

thanks

dr. schmetterling

[amerikajin]

First off, if you aren't mainstream, then it's going to be more difficult to attract women who are into the 'mainstream' (whatever you mean by that). Just an observation.

 

But second, you're not going to pull a woman away from her guy -- that's her choice. You have no control over that. She first has to lose interest in her guy before she would do that. THEN she has also has to have interest in you. I know that's not always the case, but it's safe to operate with that assumption in a lot of cases.

 

Stick with chicks who are available.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah I would give up on these two and find someone else to be interested in. The right girl will dig how different you are and find you incredibly interesting, and you with her.

 

Personally I think if you wanted it to work with either of these girls you'd have given it more of an effort. Not tried to play it cool but just been yourself. And they'd have made you so hot you couldn't play it "cool".

 

Now when you see them do play it cool.

[Lovegod]

i need to show that i'm not just interested in getting laid, so i need to take things a little more slowly."

 

Ah, the recipe to make friends!

 

i haven't ever really gone all out and experimented.

 

Well, it's time to stop worrying about offending women and start touching them in ways they may actually like! Oh yeah, and get your ass out on the dance floor. Women are only looking to have fun, not necessarily to be with a good dancer. Dance any way you like, and she'll love it.

 

in my determination to "play it cool" i seem to come across as simply not interested.

 

Quit trying to impress them by "playing it cool" because women don't really give a if you look cool or not. They want a guy who's interesting and fun to be with.

 

how do i find the balance between "playing it cool" and showing that i want to take things further?

 

Again, cool is nothing. If you want to take things further, you need to touch the woman. Touch her on her harm, her back, her face, her ears, and anything else that isn't sexual. Breasts and ass are out of the question until after the first kiss.

 

how do i act around unavailable girls in whom i'm still interested?

 

You act the exact same way as you would around single girls. Quit trying to mask your personality by "acting cool" and be your BEST self. Take your sense of humor and let it shine. Take your desire to touch women and let it work for you. Embrace your desire to women and make it happen. And most importantly, HAVE FUN WITH THEM.

[dutchie]

I don't have any real advice, just wanted to say I like your name, dr. schmetterling. Sprechen Sie deutsch?