My boyfriend's ex hates me and he is still friends with her. How to deal?

[Marlena]

Okay the situation is like this:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years,with some very rocky times in between, and now we've really decided we want to try to live together. For me this entails moving to another city which is better for me also in terms of career opportunities because its bigger, and I've been thinking of moving there over the years even before I knew my boyfriend.

 

He's known his ex-girlfriend for over 15 years and he's kept a friendship with her, and during some of his periods when he wasn't with a girlfriend they would periodically get back together, but he told me that he had told her right from the beginning that it could never work between them because of her religious background and other cultural things that divided them.

 

Ever since I've been with him it seems like she's trying desperately to pull us apart by, for example inviting him to things which she knows he likes (concerts) just to make me jealous. I met her two years ago when she came over to give him curtains that she made for him (kind of as a desperate attempt to win him again) and I spoke to her in front of him and told her I didn't like it that she still had romantic feelings for him, She reassured me that "that part" was long over and that they were just friends and then she went on to say, "All of David's friends are my friends," so David asked if she wanted to stay and have dinner with us and she found some excuse that she had to leave.

 

Anyhow, now it turns out that when he told her I was going to move in she was very angry with him. A while back we had had some hard times and she had thought that perhaps she had a chance of getting back with him and he told her that he never promised her anything and that he loved me very much. I told him I didn't like that he was associated with with a person who doesn't like me and that when I come I wanted to be included.

He told this to her, and she apparently said that she wanted nothing to do with me and that she had the "right to dream about him if she wanted."

 

Now I know that she is not "competition" for me on in terms of a romantic relationship (I've seen her) for many reasons:

- he prefers younger women and she is alot older than me

- I have the same cultural background and have met some members of his family whereas she never did

- I am aritistically inclined on a professional level, whereas she is taking beginner courses (she was furious he told me she was taking art classes because she thought I would think she was trying to be like me-compete)

- I am more warm and open sexaully than her (apparently she never masturbated in her life because she was educated by nuns who told her it was bad)

 

I told him I wanted to speak to her and "put her in her place" but he doesn't want that because he wants peace and doesn't want to rouse her anger. This upsets me because it looks like he is more concerned about her, but perhaps in actual fact he is more concerned with himself- keeping peace as he puts it.

 

How should I deal with this?

[NEONINK]

"but he doesn't want that because he wants peace and doesn't want to rouse her anger."

 

Screw her anger. This is not about her. This is about your guy. Is he with you or her?

 

You don't need to speak to her, you need to speak to him. If he really wants her friendship, which I don't understand why except for his ego boosting, then HE should give her an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out.

 

I clearly think she has been led on in some way.

[midori]

I think it's time for your bf to face the fact that this ex is not a supportive person in his life. She is not even merely apathetic toward you and his relationship with you; she is openly hostile and would like nothing more than for the two of you to break up. It's not a friendship. It's a campaign to win him back. Since he doesn't want to get back together w/her the "friendship" is pointless. Since he is in a relationship with you, the "friendship" is inappropriate. It's time to cut her out of his life.

 

You mentioned that he's afraid of upsetting her. Sounds like he's a bit passive, and she perhaps is keeping the "friendship" alive by making him feel guilty. He needs to wake up to that, and put a stop to it. Badgering someone into accepting your so-called friendship is not very, well, friendly.

 

I suspect that the fact that you have been conducting a long-distance relationship (is that right -- you said that living together would require you moving to his city) has left some space for her to stay in his life. And he probably has thought it was harmless enough. But it's not harmless: it's taking a toll on your relationship. And with you on the scene there's not going to be a need for her in his life. He won't need a movie buddy, or someone to go grab a cup of coffee with.

 

It's going to be tough for her because she'll be getting a double-whammy: loss of him as movie/coffee/hanging out buddy, and moveover the loss of her long-cherished hopes that they'd get back together. An unfortunate downside of his allowing the "friendship" to continue is that he allowed her to nurture her hopes. He allowed her to make significant space for him in her life. It sounds like he's still at the center of her emotional world -- even though she's not at the center of his. He has been unwittingly aiding and abetting her delusions.

 

Now, finally, she's got to confront reality. He's not doing her any favors by allowing her to remain in his life. In so doing he's preventing her from moving on and establishing meaningful ties with another man. Which is what she needs to be doing. She'll fight against that, certainly. And she'll blame you. But it's time for your boyfriend to wake up and recognize the damage being done to his relationship with you, and to his ex's well-being, by allowing her to remain in his life in any capacity.

 

He's got to be up-front with her, and not accept any half-measures. She might pretend to accept you and his relationship with you: don't buy it. She won't be OK with it for years, not until she has really fallen in love and spent a long time with someone else. Then, maybe, she'd be OK as an occasional friend (that is, you only see her occasionally).

 

If it will sometimes be unavoidable to run into her (at the store, at parties, wherever) there's no need to be uncivil, but there should be no further socializing between her and either of you. No phone calls or emailing. No coffee. He should advise his close friends of what's going on, and request that they a) do not share info about him and you with her, and b) do not invite her to smaller social gatherings, if they have invited the two of you.

 

Yep, lines must be drawn. People will have to choose. She has deliberately woven herself into the fabric of his life, believing that in so doing he will never be able to get rid of her. It's time to put a stop to that. It's time for her to move on. If she were happy with her own life, with or without someone else, this wouldn't be a problem. But that's not the case. And she isn't going to willingly change. So change must be forced upon her.

 

Good luck. Your boyfriend seems like a nice guy. But sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind, as the song goes. He needs to grow a spine where she is concerned and stop letting her call the shots. Change telephone numbers if necessary, and email addresses. Make it obvious and absolute.

[Michi]

Hey when you figure out what to do, tell me too. I posted a thread about my boyfriend and his ex, my cousin. I know what you're going through. What is it with guys that they have to keep an ex around after all these years and refuse to stand up for the girl they supposedly love? THere is no such thing as chivalry these days.

[Guest]

Do they have any children together?

 

Okay the situation is like this:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years,with some very rocky times in between, and now we've really decided we want to try to live together. For me this entails moving to another city which is better for me also in terms of career opportunities because its bigger, and I've been thinking of moving there over the years even before I knew my boyfriend.

 

He's known his ex-girlfriend for over 15 years and he's kept a friendship with her, and during some of his periods when he wasn't with a girlfriend they would periodically get back together, but he told me that he had told her right from the beginning that it could never work between them because of her religious background and other cultural things that divided them.

 

Ever since I've been with him it seems like she's trying desperately to pull us apart by, for example inviting him to things which she knows he likes (concerts) just to make me jealous. I met her two years ago when she came over to give him curtains that she made for him (kind of as a desperate attempt to win him again) and I spoke to her in front of him and told her I didn't like it that she still had romantic feelings for him, She reassured me that "that part" was long over and that they were just friends and then she went on to say, "All of David's friends are my friends," so David asked if she wanted to stay and have dinner with us and she found some excuse that she had to leave.

 

Anyhow, now it turns out that when he told her I was going to move in she was very angry with him. A while back we had had some hard times and she had thought that perhaps she had a chance of getting back with him and he told her that he never promised her anything and that he loved me very much. I told him I didn't like that he was associated with with a person who doesn't like me and that when I come I wanted to be included.

He told this to her, and she apparently said that she wanted nothing to do with me and that she had the "right to dream about him if she wanted."

 

Now I know that she is not "competition" for me on in terms of a romantic relationship (I've seen her) for many reasons:

- he prefers younger women and she is alot older than me

- I have the same cultural background and have met some members of his family whereas she never did

- I am artistically inclined on a professional level, whereas she is taking beginner courses (she was furious he told me she was taking art classes because she thought I would think she was trying to be like me-compete)

- I am more warm and open sexually than her (apparently she never masturbated in her life because she was educated by nuns who told her it was bad)

 

I told him I wanted to speak to her and "put her in her place" but he doesn't want that because he wants peace and doesn't want to rouse her anger. This upsets me because it looks like he is more concerned about her, but perhaps in actual fact he is more concerned with himself- keeping peace as he puts it.

 

How should I deal with this?