partners ex is black

[earthquake]

[COLOR=#444444][FONT=Times New Roman]I have issue for ex's past relationship.

If I meet a potential partner and if I find out that if she had been with or sleeping with black guy, I tend to back off and don't proceed to engage in any deeper relationship than good friendship and even thought it happens to have sex, I tend to get less serious than other girl I meet. I know it is stupid but It seems unable to change by myself.

I don't want to think myself as a racist and I have no problem or what so ever to work with, be friend with black people and I have a large number of black friends too, in fact my best mate is black but but... that’s how I respond to my relationship with women i meet if I am allowed to be honest with my problem here.

Recently I met this girl, we have been seeing each other a few months now, I like this girl and she seems to like me either but I am not in love at this stage but we are getting littel serious. The other day, she told me she slept with black guys casually in the past and now I don't see this relationship going any further.

I know it comes from my insecurities and size complex but how can I deal with this? Am I only one who has the same problem? is there a female who has the same sort of prob with your partners ex?

Lastly, I am sorry if anybody offended by reading this post, I don't mean to offend anybody here but it is the problem I have to solve. thanks for reading this. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[spookie]

Props for having the courage to be honest about this.

 

Problems similar to yours are actually quite common. A LOT of people become very intimidated by their partner's pasts. Usually it's becuase of "number" or something relating to the commitment status of the sexual encounters, but it's all kind of the same thing.

 

I think the advice usually given is that you try to keep the past in the past. Don't bring it up, don't think about it, cause if you do it's just going to haunt you.

 

Most people have pasts and it's important to learn to understand that and not let it get in the way of potential connections you may have (as long as the past isn't a red flag for future behaivior (ex: serial cheating) which in this case sounds like it isn't).

 

If you allow your insecurities to prejudice you, you might stop yourself from finding love with the right person. Cause honestly, and you know this too: this says nothing about her, it is nothing.

[earthquake]

Hi spookie, thanks for advice, Yes I have realized after searching this site that there are many people who has the similar issue .

I understand that there are only 2way to tackle this, either I have to work on myself not to think about it or I just have to chose somebody who don't have what I don't want to hear in her past.

At the moment, it seems impossible to do choose the first one. As keeping this in my head somewhere trying not to think seems impossible or very tiresome for me, well at the moment anyway. I have to go choice 2 for this moment till I grown up little.

 

If woman says, " I don't want to talk about the past," it sounds like she has something to hide in her past.

After reading in other section, I had a feeling that past sexual experiences are better not to talk about between couple. Is that easy thing to do? I think by avoiding the subject intentionally, it brings more problems later on.

 

From my experiences, I often talk with my date that about past relationship and I ask if she has any relationship with somebody from different cultural/ race than hers. It is kind a question that easily comes on menu as I come from not white background so that it is natural to ask such a question. And i noticed that if a date has any relationship with black guy, she shows the sign of hesitation when she answer, in my case there were 3 girls in total, for example one of girl said, "yes once with a black guy, but it was long time ago and just once... "

Does it mean women feel uneasy about the fact that she has black boyfriend? Or she pick up the sign from me that I have issue with it even though I try not to show it on face? The worst case happened to me was one of my EX lied that she had never slept with black guy but admitted her other wild sexual experiences such as casual sex with strangers etc. When we got closer, she forgot she said no and later on she told me in fact she had some kind of relationships with a few black guys. I don't quite understand why she had to hide the fact. Because I didn't tell or show any sign that I have issue with this.

 

I wouldn't have problem if she said yes and had a happy relationship with black guy, then possibly I would have chosen to not get any serious in the first place but I would have chosen to stay as a good friend with this girl, it is worse if the fact was hidden or lied and I fell in love then the fact came up later, it bug me and lead to doubt and unhappy relationship.

 

So can I ask if women chose to hide or lie about her past? What was main reason for it?

If you are confident about the past relationship and happy with it, there should no need to hide or not? Even it was casual sex and act from promiscuity, as long as you feel positive about your sexuality, it is nothing to hide or not?

If women chose to lie about it. How could I tell if there was a lie? Are there any tell tale sign for it?

It would be interesting to hear the story from someone who are/have been in relationship and has lied about the past and its reason and its outcome.

Regards

[stupidstupidgirl]

I think you need to get a life. I can't be sympathetic, that is racism. Technically, that is indirect discrimination against black people. Do you talk to your black 'best friend' about the fact you cannot sleep with girls who have slept with a black guy? think about that. i hope you can change this feeling, you need to think more about this source of racism (probably some sort of jealousy) and get enough confidence in youself to see that this is a BIG problem and deal with it.

[whichwayisup]

You need to deal with your insecurities and get past them. If you don't, it will ruin any potiental relationship.

 

NOT ALL BLACK GUYS HAVE HUGE PENIS's! Sure, some do, but not all.

 

Work on your self esteem and understand that if you are a loving, kind hearted man, and treat your girlfriends well, let alone people in general well, then the size of your penis shouldn't be an issue.

[cutegirl]

I think you need to get a life. I can't be sympathetic, that is racism. Technically, that is indirect discrimination against black people. Do you talk to your black 'best friend' about the fact you cannot sleep with girls who have slept with a black guy? think about that. i hope you can change this feeling, you need to think more about this source of racism (probably some sort of jealousy) and get enough confidence in youself to see that this is a BIG problem and deal with it.

 

I don't think it's because he is racist but because of his insecurity about his own penis size. He probably thinks the black guys have bigger peckers than him (which they might or might not). That's probably what was bothering him.

 

I also got annoyed at an ex because he used to have a latina fetish, watched a lot of latina porn , his ex was latina, and he was also a butt man, and he favored latinas with big butts. And this bothered me cause I'm very petite and I don't have a big ass. A lot of guys are into this nowadays, but no matter how many squats I do or how much I eat my butt will never get big, so I got a complex about that too. So I can understand how the OP feels...

 

It's about insecurity about the significant other being sexually attracted to something that is very different than you. For example, I would think, why does he like me? What could he see in me, I don't have a big butt, I don't look latina.

 

Or if my ex liked white girls, that would give me a complex too cause I'm not white. Or if my ex dated girls with big boobs that would give me a complex too cause I don't have big boobs either. Pretty much, anything about any girl a guy has ever dated that's drastically different from me would probably give me a complex.

 

It's worse when the significant other has a fetish though that's opposite from what you are, because then you would think : "Why is this person with me at all? I am nothing like whatever their fantasy is." And then you would always have a constant fear of the SO cheating on you with their "ideal type" whether it be someone who is black, his big boobs, is white etc.

Edited December 27, 2007 by cutegirl

[underpants]

Why do you feel the need to compare yourself to someone's ex???

 

Their relationship ended and probably for a reason.

 

Would not it be wise to embrace and enjoy learning to connect with a willing partner, rather then to stack yourself up against someone with whom a relationship did not work?

[cutegirl]

Why do you feel the need to compare yourself to someone's ex???

 

Their relationship ended and probably for a reason.

 

Would not it be wise to embrace and enjoy learning to connect with a willing partner, rather then to stack yourself up against someone with whom a relationship did not work?

 

Because you would always be wondering if you are good enough, or if your partner is fantasizing about their ex, or if they are going to leave you for someone who looks like their ex, or if their ex was better in bed, or if your partner thinks their ex is more attractive.

 

Someone who is insecure will always feel insecure and it's very hard to change. I know cause I'm insecure like this too. Even if my partner's ex looked like me I probably would still be insecure....

[underpants]

Because you would always be wondering if you are good enough, or if your partner is fantasizing about their ex, or if they are going to leave you for someone who looks like their ex, or if their ex was better in bed, or if your partner thinks their ex is more attractive.

 

Someone who is insecure will always feel insecure and it's very hard to change. I know cause I'm insecure like this too. Even if my partner's ex looked like me I probably would still be insecure....

 

Then you contribute to the demise of such a relationship.

[EYECANDY000]

I think you need to get a life. I can't be sympathetic, that is racism. Technically, that is indirect discrimination against black people. Do you talk to your black 'best friend' about the fact you cannot sleep with girls who have slept with a black guy? think about that. i hope you can change this feeling, you need to think more about this source of racism (probably some sort of jealousy) and get enough confidence in youself to see that this is a BIG problem and deal with it.

 

 

I agree 100%...

 

somethimes people think that they can justify a situation by saying how can I be racist is I have that ethnicity of friends.. Oh its true.. it so can happen.. There are people out there who is prejudice against their own race

[PlumPrincess]

Just one guess, two posters on this thread are Asian guys.

[crazyinlove123]

[COLOR=#444444][FONT=Times New Roman]I have issue for ex's past relationship.

If I meet a potential partner and if I find out that if she had been with or sleeping with black guy, I tend to back off and don't proceed to engage in any deeper relationship than good friendship and even thought it happens to have sex, I tend to get less serious than other girl I meet. I know it is stupid but It seems unable to change by myself.

I don't want to think myself as a racist and I have no problem or what so ever to work with, be friend with black people and I have a large number of black friends too, in fact my best mate is black but but... that’s how I respond to my relationship with women i meet if I am allowed to be honest with my problem here.

Recently I met this girl, we have been seeing each other a few months now, I like this girl and she seems to like me either but I am not in love at this stage but we are getting littel serious. The other day, she told me she slept with black guys casually in the past and now I don't see this relationship going any further.

I know it comes from my insecurities and size complex but how can I deal with this? Am I only one who has the same problem? is there a female who has the same sort of prob with your partners ex?

Lastly, I am sorry if anybody offended by reading this post, I don't mean to offend anybody here but it is the problem I have to solve. thanks for reading this. [/FONT][/COLOR]

 

 

Let me give u some perspective for the girl's side. My best friend (who is white) dated a black guy in college and is currently dating a white guy who has a problem with the fact that she used to date a black guy. While reading your post, I could totally see my best friend's situation and how much stress she had to go through because of her bf. Unlike your situation, she's actually in a serious relationship with him, but always feels hesitant becuase he always bring it up and puts her down. I hope you're not doing that to ure gf.

 

In your case, first of all, I don't think its fair that you can judge her just because her OWN choices that she made in the PAST. Regardless if she had a good or bad relationship, that relationship is OVER and she is now with YOU. (don't you think that was a smart choice that she made) Everyone has their own taste in the opposite sex, and many times, it not always about looks or physical traits. When I asked my best friend about what she saw in the black guy, she told me that he was just a good guy and very caring. She did not say that he was attractive. So don't just assume anything just cuz she said that she's been with a lot of black guys. I know my best friend has gone through a lot of S*** with her current boyfriend because of her past relationship. I mean, she was being honest with him, just like your gf was with you. Maybe you should take that into consideration!

 

I know you are not racist, but is she judging you on WHO YOU've dated in the past?? i highly doubt that. I mean, if it was a mistake, then people make mistakes and learn from them. DEAL WITH IT. You can't jus judge her becuase of that one thing. I hope that you can look past that be more open minded.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I am a black man and this is about the most stupidest stuff I have ever read!!!!

 

So what she was with a black man?

 

Every woman you have ever been with have slept with someone else!!!

 

Does it matter if it's another man of a different race?

 

Do I have a bag of tricks that whiteboys dont? Maybe?

 

Do I have a big penis? Well, um? lol. I'm good. Not porn star but can handle the buisness.

 

Do I think about how many dudes she's been with? No.

 

The only thing I would worry about is if she slept with alot of women in times she slept with men, then there is time to panic!!! lol.

 

Get over it man, seriously there are worse things to be insecure about in life.

 

Do you see white woman as damaged goods after they date black men, is that it? Do you think they compare you in the bedroom?

 

I mean seriously what is it?

[Kamille]

I feel like all I want to say is that I am outraged by your post. I know you are serious and very troubled by this and looking for support but come on! not only is your post racist, it is also macho. IT assumes all women are interested in are big dicks. In the end, it reduces any relationship you have with women to the size of your dick.

 

She is a human. She can make her own decisions and if she choses to be with you, then the size or skin color of her previous partners should be of no interest to you.

Edited December 28, 2007 by Kamille

[Stockalone]

I feel like all I want to say is that I am outraged by your post. I know you are serious and very troubled by this and looking for support but come on! not only is your post racist, it is also macho. IT assumes all women are interested in are big dicks. In the end, it reduces any relationship you have with women to the size of your dick.

 

I would say that it is up to the woman to leave him if his insecurities or tendencies of racism are bothering her. We can't force people to change the way they think.

 

 

She is a human. She can make her own decisions and if she choses to be with you, then the size or skin color of her previous partners should be of no interest to you.

 

He is human too. If he choses to take an interest in the sex life of his SO before they met, he can do so at his own peril.

[Kamille]

I would say that it is up to the woman to leave him if his insecurities or tendencies of racism are bothering her. We can't force people to change the way they think.

 

 

 

 

He is human too. If he choses to take an interest in the sex life of his SO before they met, he can do so at his own peril.

 

then he is free to leave her since it bothers him.

[underpants]

then he is free to leave her.

 

Definately he is free to let his insecurities get the best of him and bail. However, I feel like this is an non-communicated/not dealt with resentment.

 

Resentments are silly.

[Kamille]

Definately he is free to let his insecurities get the best of him and bail. However, I feel like this is an non-communicated/not dealt with resentment.

 

Resentments are silly.

 

I agree underpants. Earthquake, does she know you have issues with her past? I'm not sure I would advise him to tell her though.

[whichwayisup]

I don't believe this is a real racial issue. I mean if it was said that Asian men all have big cocks, and his gf slept with an asian, then he would be posting about asian men, not black men.

 

The OP needs to not compare himself to ANYONE from her past, let alone compare himself to anyone PERIOD.

[allina]

I don't believe this is a real racial issue. I mean if it was said that Asian men all have big cocks, and his gf slept with an asian, then he would be posting about asian men, not black men.

 

So you think this is all about how cock size relates to race? I don't know, the OP talked about he thinks women who have dated black men are ashamed of it.