I will control myself...

[kitkat289]

Day-1

 

Every night I have to fight with my hopes and after 1am(me and my ex talk late night) my temptation increases and the only thing I have on my mind is "will he call tonight?what if he doesnt call till 2am....and what if he doesnt call even at 3?Does he feel its ok to talk once in few days and not every day?But today we talked for half an hour and that too in the afternoon and he didnt seem to be busy with anything,I was the one who said goodbye.

 

When the clock ticks 2am,I wonder if he;s talking to his phone friend (she's also an architecture student like me and so works day and night so they mostly talk after 12).He tells me that he's not seeing her or something,that girl is already committed and assures me that he's not going to date anyone.

And frankly speaking even if he's attracted to his friend Iam not very insecure about it since he loves my company,I can bet she could be fun to talk to but not like me.

But mostly Iam wondering if he;s in the canteen with friends as he;s in hostel or if he;s watching movie with them on pc,prepating for interviews (as its his placement time in college).He sleeps very late and all these questions keep coming to my mind due to which I give in finally,expecting very little from him.Usually the conversation is soo good that I do not regret taking the initiative to call always.

 

But now I want to have a hold on myself.Now that he told me the previous night all those things that tell me that he doesnt want me to go and just be there with him and also it skipped from his mouth that he also has a gut feeling that we will be committed once he's here in my city in January for job.He confessed that he also feels that once we continue to meet,we wont be ab le to resist starting it up all over again.

And when I had asked how his friend was doing,who had patched-up after 1 year of break-up he said "things are going good.."

I asked "were they friends after their break-up?"

He said "no....they were like us....friends cum gf-bf"

I couldnt believe my ears when he said "...cum GF-BF"

It was more than I could ever expect in my dreams as he's a very sensible guy,never utters one word more than required and he's been so secretive about his feelings for me that I could figure out when he had said "I missed you but not like earlier"

Hadnt I written in a post that he lied because that time he wasnt drunk.The night he was drunk all his feelings came out and he couldnt just stop sayin "I love you..."

He knows we will be together if it meant to be and its like he;s having full control on the way things turn.He's not a cold guy but often he reminds me by kidding that we never know,I might end up marrying someone else.He reminds me that things could turn sour again but at the same time tells me that we should just listen to our heart.(he tells me this when he hears that Iam afraid to meet him again.)

 

The thing is that both of us kind of know that we will be in a stable relationship in January (that it IF he gets a good job here) and even if I resist we k ind of know that its not possible.

 

I dont want to be the person who's doing efforts all the time.Not really efforts but this is due to me that the spark is alive every night when we talk.Why the hell I cannot control on my wandering mind that makes me dial his number after 2-3hours of trying to motivate myself to do the opposite?

 

Now seriously I will try it tonight and will write it down here even if I fail again.

Iam sorry if I wasted your time by writing such a lengthy thread but its for me.I want to get rid of this addiction!

[jennyfur01]

I know what you mean about breaking the addiction. I have a strong urge to call him all the time. I feel better today though. I still miss him but I've just decided I have to let it go. If I ever stand a chance with him then I need to let him realize that and come to me. If I'd have let it go a long time ago maybe he'd have come around by now or I'd have been over it. However I didn't and now I have to wonder. The holidays are almost here and I'm going to want to call him, but I won't! We have to be strong. We can do it!

[kitkat289]

Thanx Jennyfur and wish you luck!

 

Well I couldnt control...I called him up at 3am and it was switched off!!

I felt really angry at this because it felt like as if he's avoiding me or something.Do I ever stop him from sleeping,he can ignore my call if he wishes to and he can also tell me that we shouldnt talk every night if he thinks so.

I was sooo angry that I wrote an SMS atlast "Am I a punishment to you?you could have asked me not to call...no need to switch off"

Then I edited it and saved it.Then I wondered if I should send it or not and realised that he's not worth bothering about and I just let it go.

But I felt very bad because he never switches the phone off,he doesnt even need to off it since he keeps it on 'silent mode' so that doesnt wake him up.What the hell was going on his mind that he did this?I was so mad that I really wanted to kick him in the *** and now I have decided my next step.

I wont call him and when he calls me I'll do something that will make him mad.I'll talk nicely for 2min and then I'll dial my no. from my landline phone and would tell him to call me later,i have to attend the next call.

For the next half an hour I'll keep my phone busy and this way he would know that in that NC period I have found someone interesting.

 

-I wont sound very interested in his talks and would make an excuse like my battery is low,lets talk later I have to work also...or Iam getting late for somewhere.

-I will call him later for formality,to show that now I treat him like a timepass and not more.For that I will call him when Iam on a busy road,waiting for a bus or when Iam in the market so that just in 5min of talk I can put down the phone saying that my bus has come or my friend is there now,talk to you later.I know he will crave to talk to me again.

 

This way Iam showing that Iam there but still Iam so distant.I'll never crack jokes or pull his leg and I would make him feel that Iam very tired.Afterall I have to show him that I cant be hung like that for long and IF HE CANT MAKE ANY EFFORT OR TREAT ME WELL I can go away,really far.....

[kitkat289]

So I could control myself last night very well.I was on LS all the while b/w 12-4am.I was reading Universe's most of the posts and it was like a transformation for me.Things like giving, love is station not a destination,moving forward (with each other)...All these things made sense and I came to know what it is to actually love someone.When you love them, its not about clinginess,neediness, you do everything that they would want from you.I learnt that I culd have been a giver if I had given him exactly what he wanted,love him exactly the way he wanted me to.I could have stopped telling him how much I needed him,I could have stopped sending him any mails or any pictures of our good times If I knew how to love him,how to be a "giver".

 

Though NC is a right thing to do but I realise the mantra is to play it cool and never expect even if the other person is coming closer.

 

Today is my 2nd day when I didnt call him.I hope it gives a shock to his system and I just hope his opinions about our relationship does not change while we are not in touch.I would still look forward to hearing about the future of us from his mouth.