A Bs Point Of View

[KATANYA]

Went on a 'Women's Spa Weekend" this past weekend and met several women who I did not know. Weekend was my girlfriend's idea as I've been so down lately (she has no idea why). Anyway, sitting over several glasses of wine and some great conversation, the topic of men came up (as is usually the case with that many women). One woman (married 31 years to high school sweetheart) stated her husband was a serial cheater. Could not even control the impulse and I blurted out "Why do you stay?" I expected the same story as I hear here all the time......this is the answer I got:

 

 

Why would I go anywhere? Why would I throw away everything that I have worked so hard for and deserve just so some other woman can come in and enjoy it....He will never leave me and he will someday be too old to carry on the way he does. Every one of the women he has been with and got caught with he calls 'whores' and disrespects - I actually feel sorry for them because he uses them then throws them away - they are disposable to him but I am not!....he's been to counselling, I've made him move out a couple of times but, you know what, we have five kids, three grandchildren, a beautiful house, and he gives me whatever I ask for. He also knows after the last time I caught him cheating that I will never have sex with him again unless he uses a condom which I keep beside the bed. I had him transfer all the investments over into my name, I had him sign papers saying the house would be transferred to me if we ever divorced and I made him go have bloodwork for HIV and other STDs which humiliated him beyond belief (and he goes every six months now or he moves out)....and I gave him the choice - he could stay and love me or go and love everyone else. I won't be his victim - I'll leave that role to all the women who buy his lines and sleep with him thinking there is something at the other end. There is nothing! ....I am going to live my life and love my family and my security and he can either be a part of that or not. But the part he will never have, so long as he lives and breathes, is the confidence and knowledge that I still love and trust and worship him as I did when we married - every day he knows he destroyed that. I am the wife and mother....I am not going anywhere. If he hasn't got the guts to stand up and be a man and do what he promised to do, let him leave...but he knows it will be with nothing-and he has yet to find anyone who wants to take on the 'joys' of starting out with nothing with a middle aged, married man! At this stage in my life, I am not starting over; I am continuing on, enjoying all that I have worked hard to have......I have nothing to want for and that's how its going to stay!

 

----- she stays because this is HER life! SHE worked for it! SHE earned it! There was nothing about her that denoted sympathy or 'victim' ----- No bitterness per say, just pure fact that this was HER life and he was now but a small part of the BIG picture (kids, grandkids, enjoying the fruits of her many years of hard work, etc.) Her H's significance in her life was simply that he was accommodating to her wants and needs - and expected NOTHING from her in return as she had already done her part! I believe they get on well as far as being civil with each other - he dropped her off and was there to pick her up (in a beautfiul car I might add).

[Gwyneth]

Yeah, but does she deserve a husband who cheats on her one woman after the next? She's a bit naive, if you ask me. Although she does seem to have him wrapped around her finger (kudos for that!). Maybe she's a bit weak too to not make him leave for good. She can have a better life wihtout a husband who cheats on her left and right, and who she worries will give her an STD. WTH kind of marriage is that?!? And he may call these woman the W word--which I'm sure that is all they are to him, but many men who cheat actually do have only One woman who they fall in love with. Samething applies to women who cheat on their spouse and fall in love with another man. I had posted a while ago that there are men who cheat and men who have ONSs, which sounds like this serial dater. Her staying with the serial dater--IMHO--isn't a very strong woman. She may have convinced herself she is, but I am certain she can do much much MUCH better. Same thing goes for any person who is being cheated on. No one deserves that.

[Cobra_X30]

----- she stays because this is HER life! SHE worked for it! SHE earned it! There was nothing about her that denoted sympathy or 'victim' ----- No bitterness per say, just pure fact that this was HER life and he was now but a small part of the BIG picture (kids, grandkids, enjoying the fruits of her many years of hard work, etc.) Her H's significance in her life was simply that he was accommodating to her wants and needs - and expected NOTHING from her in return as she had already done her part! I believe they get on well as far as being civil with each other - he dropped her off and was there to pick her up (in a beautfiul car I might add).

 

She may stay for the lifestyle and the money. Lots of women are willing to put up with this from a man who has $$$. Even if she would do well in a divorce... it would still drop her standard way below what it is now.

 

Sad aint it.

[PLAYBRAT]

It sounds to me like she stays because the guy provides her with a decent lifestyle...and HE stays because he would be taken to the cleaners

if he decided to leave. Not very romantic OR loving if you ask me.Just two people dependant on each other for financial reasons. Sad INDEED.

[White Flower]

Yeah, but does she deserve a husband who cheats on her one woman after the next? She's a bit naive, if you ask me. Although she does seem to have him wrapped around her finger (kudos for that!). Maybe she's a bit weak too to not make him leave for good. She can have a better life wihtout a husband who cheats on her left and right, and who she worries will give her an STD. WTH kind of marriage is that?!? And he may call these woman the W word--which I'm sure that is all they are to him, but many men who cheat actually do have only One woman who they fall in love with. Samething applies to women who cheat on their spouse and fall in love with another man. I had posted a while ago that there are men who cheat and men who have ONSs, which sounds like this serial dater. Her staying with the serial dater--IMHO--isn't a very strong woman. She may have convinced herself she is, but I am certain she can do much much MUCH better. Same thing goes for any person who is being cheated on. No one deserves that.

This is very interesting.

 

When I was still trying so hard in my M and H was "talking" to other women I felt the same way: why would I D him and let any other woman come along and enjoy all that I've worked for? I totally understand where she is coming from. Maybe she feels it's too late to find someone new for herself? As for staying, she has all the comforts of home, family, retirement and the lable of "the good one." She's got it made save for the WS and it sounds like she's made peace with it.

 

If she Ds this guy, she has to downsize, lose the nice car, forget about the spa-weekends and all the other niceties. If I had it that good, I'd probably tolerate it, too. I think her payoff is the above mentioned.

[White Flower]

She may stay for the lifestyle and the money. Lots of women are willing to put up with this from a man who has $$$. Even if she would do well in a divorce... it would still drop her standard way below what it is now.

 

Sad aint it.

Yes, sad. Practical, but sad.

[White Flower]

Went on a 'Women's Spa Weekend" this past weekend and met several women who I did not know. Weekend was my girlfriend's idea as I've been so down lately (she has no idea why). Anyway, sitting over several glasses of wine and some great conversation, the topic of men came up (as is usually the case with that many women). One woman (married 31 years to high school sweetheart) stated her husband was a serial cheater. .

Has this woman had a lot of "work" done? Just curious.

[Gwyneth]

She is choosing her lifestyle over what her heart and mind really need--sad is right! Money and quality mean more to her than values and a trusting husband. She is no better than the man cheating on her. She needs his money--not him. Shameful.

[PLAYBRAT]

I could understand a W "tolerating" it...AFTER a certain age...like 50 or 60...but come on.......a woman in her 30's or even 40's does NOT need to be subjected to an adulterous R for ANY price. I don;t care if the man is made of money. Money does not buy happiness OR peace of mind. I think once a woman decides this is her "fate" then she has pretty much given up on life AND her self worth.

[OpenBook]

What a horrible, horrible way to live. Playbrat I'm with you.

 

I think once a woman decides this is her "fate" then she has pretty much given up on life AND her self worth.

[Leia]

That is why it's good to make your own money so you don't have to live off your husband's money. Thank GOD my parents are well off and I'm doing good myself so I don't need a man to take care of my expenses! I have my own house (I'm in my early 20s), car, family shipping business and so much more so if my future husband cheats on me, I'll just tell him to get the hell out!!!!

 

I pity this woman, she made it look as if she has power over her husband but it's more like she doesn't want to lose her 'lavish' lifestyle!

[PLAYBRAT]

Sounds to ME like said woman basically told her husband he CAN cheat so long as he continues to provide her with the lifestyle she is accusromed to and he gets regular HIV tests....Yeah REALLLL romance there.....

[Gwyneth]

That is why it's good to make your own money so you don't have to live off your husband's money. Thank GOD my parents are well off and I'm doing good myself so I don't need a man to take care of my expenses! I have my own house (I'm in my early 20s), car, family shipping business and so much more so if my future husband cheats on me, I'll just tell him to get the hell out!!!!

 

I pity this woman, she made it look as if she has power over her husband but it's more like she doesn't want to lose her 'lavish' lifestyle!

 

You are an Amazing woman!!! My mom taught us girls to be independent and Never EVER depend on a man to support us. We are both successful business woman, just like our mom who raised us on her own.

[White Flower]

I could understand a W "tolerating" it...AFTER a certain age...like 50 or 60...but come on.......a woman in her 30's or even 40's does NOT need to be subjected to an adulterous R for ANY price. I don;t care if the man is made of money. Money does not buy happiness OR peace of mind. I think once a woman decides this is her "fate" then she has pretty much given up on life AND her self worth.

And I think this is what it is for most women who tolerate it. They believe it's too late for shcool and retraining and also that no man would find them attractive at that age, unfortunately.

[Leia]

You are an Amazing woman!!! My mom taught us girls to be independent and Never EVER depend on a man to support us. We are both successful business woman, just like our mom who raised us on her own.

 

Good for you! My mother taught me the same thing. Never depend on a man when it comes to money. Some men with money think they can really have it all and always have women all around him. It's easier when you have your own money, you can spend it any way you want to!!!

[Leia]

Sounds to ME like said woman basically told her husband he CAN cheat so long as he continues to provide her with the lifestyle she is accusromed to and he gets regular HIV tests....Yeah REALLLL romance there.....

 

I despise cheaters and I don't condone cheating. I pity betrayed wives/husbands but in this case, she's kind of a sad woman.... I don't think she's happy... except with her lifestyle.

[KATANYA]

I don't know this woman but she was very 'attractive' and was in very good shape but did not look like she had 'work' done - was about 47ish but looked younger - married very young, had first child at 17....he was her first love.

 

I really didn't get the impression that she felt the least bit that she should 'leave' because he was a cheater - moreover, I got the impression that he was given every opportunity to leave and she did not beg or force him to stay - the more she took away from the relationship the more he seemed to give to it! Listening to her, her focus was her children, grandchildren, etc. - he was very inconsequencial to most of her conversations but she did not speak ill of him (or the OW she knew of)- she did say he was a good father. I also got the impression he works for HER family's companies so I have somewhat of the impression that it is she that originally came from money and not him?????

 

Hey girls, btw, keep in mind when we talk of a lack of values or self esteeem and not staying with a cheater and putting up with is crap at any cost that many of us OW are stuck on the exact same men and we are getting MUCH LESS than this woman is but we still stay! (At least on my situation I can say that) I don't know that she is in love with him ----- but I do know she loves her family and her life and was very clear no one else would be living and enjoying what she worked hard for. I really don't know if that makes her bad or just smart! I could'n't walk away from my MM for a long time because my heart wouldn't let me --- she's thinking with her head, not her heart! I really wished many times I could do that because my head told me to run but my heart kept me stuck (and still does at times).

[PLAYBRAT]

Which I could understand WF.....a woman begins feeling insecure even in her early 30's about her man possibly finding a younger woman attractive

or more desirable.I could CERTAINLY understand this fear later on in life.

What about these women who are with these men when they ARE relatively young (30's or 40's) and stay with these men....wasting the best years of their lives on these cheaters. By that point..SURE..they've "earned" the right to live their life of luxury..but was the price REALLY worth it in the long run?? They have cars ,furs, vacations......and they have to enjoy it ALL ALONE??? Knowing their cheating husband is off with his floosy somehere?? WtH kind of trade off is that???

I 'd rather be a waitress at waffle house....making my OWN way..living with peace of mind and MAYBE the love of an honest man who comes home to me every night. It might not be paradise..but it would be on MY terms...and not some lying scumbags.

[GreenEyedLady]

It just goes to show what different people value in a R....and what they will give up to keep it...

 

As for signing over the house etc, I call bulls*** on that...Men don't part with money and property that easily...

[White Flower]

Which I could understand WF.....a woman begins feeling insecure even in her early 30's about her man possibly finding a younger woman attractive

or more desirable.I could CERTAINLY understand this fear later on in life.

What about these women who are with these men when they ARE relatively young (30's or 40's) and stay with these men....wasting the best years of their lives on these cheaters. By that point..SURE..they've "earned" the right to live their life of luxury..but was the price REALLY worth it in the long run?? They have cars ,furs, vacations......and they have to enjoy it ALL ALONE??? Knowing their cheating husband is off with his floosy somehere?? WtH kind of trade off is that???

I 'd rather be a waitress at waffle house....making my OWN way..living with peace of mind and MAYBE the love of an honest man who comes home to me every night. It might not be paradise..but it would be on MY terms...and not some lying scumbags.

I would rather be a waitress at a waffle house too as long as I had the love of my life living with me. But I think a woman in her fifties or sixties doesn't believe she'll find love that late in life.

[ConfusedGirl004]

Wow...sad situation...Sounds like she's either living in Delusional-Land or she won't let herself "be" the victim, when obviously she is. While she may say she enjoys the lifestyle he provides her, I bet she cries herself to sleep on the nights he's enjoying his little flings. I find it incredulous that she stays with a man whom she won't sleep with without a condom...in a MARRIAGE.

She may put up a good front in front of friends or other women...but inside..she is empty.

[marlena]

My mom taught us girls to be independent and Never EVER depend on a man to support us. We are both successful business woman, just like our mom who raised us on her own.

 

I have done the same thing with my daughter since she was young enough to understand what I was saying. I will never tire of repeating this to all the young girls I teach and know. Start from a very young age to work on your future. That means getting a good education that will provide you with a lucrative job and one that you have chosen. Never, ever depend on a man for your financial stability. EVER! No woman should have to compromise her values because of a man. Of course, this does depend on what your values are.

 

Then again I'm the type of woman who would leave a cheating spouse even it meant I had to clean other people's houses just to survive.

 

The woman the OP describes seems to value money and a VIP lifestyle more than independence and pride.

[marlena]

My mom taught us girls to be independent and Never EVER depend on a man to support us. We are both successful business woman, just like our mom who raised us on her own.

 

I have done the same thing with my daughter since she was young enough to understand what I was saying. I will never tire of repeating this to all the young girls I teach and know. Start from a very young age to work on your future. That means getting a good education that will provide you with a lucrative job and one that you have chosen. Never, ever depend on a man for your financial stability. EVER! No woman should have to compromise her values because of a man. Of course, this does depend on what your values are.

 

Then again I'm the type of woman who would leave a cheating spouse even it meant I had to clean other people's houses just to survive.

 

The woman the OP describes seems to value money and a VIP lifestyle more than independence and pride.

[marlena]

My mom taught us girls to be independent and Never EVER depend on a man to support us. We are both successful business woman, just like our mom who raised us on her own.

 

I have done the same thing with my daughter since she was young enough to understand what I was saying. I will never tire of repeating this to all the young girls I teach and know. Start from a very young age to work on your future. That means getting a good education that will provide you with a lucrative job and one that you have chosen. Never, ever depend on a man for your financial stability. EVER! No woman should have to compromise her values because of a man. Of course, this does depend on what your values are.

 

Then again I'm the type of woman who would leave a cheating spouse even it meant I had to clean other people's houses just to survive.

 

The woman the OP describes seems to value money and a VIP lifestyle more than independence and pride.

[marlena]

My mom taught us girls to be independent and Never EVER depend on a man to support us. We are both successful business woman, just like our mom who raised us on her own.

 

I have done the same thing with my daughter since she was young enough to understand what I was saying. I will never tire of repeating this to all the young girls I teach and know. Start from a very young age to work on your future. That means getting a good education that will provide you with a lucrative job and one that you have chosen. Never, ever depend on a man for your financial stability. EVER! No woman should have to compromise her values because of a man. Of course, this does depend on what your values are.

 

Then again I'm the type of woman who would leave a cheating spouse even it meant I had to clean other people's houses just to survive.

 

The woman the OP describes seems to value money and a VIP lifestyle more than independence and pride.