A Bs Point Of View

[frannie]

Why would I go anywhere? Why would I throw away everything that I have worked so hard for and deserve just so some other woman can come in and enjoy it....He will never leave me and he will someday be too old to carry on the way he does. Every one of the women he has been with and got caught with he calls 'whores' and disrespects - I actually feel sorry for them because he uses them then throws them away - they are disposable to him but I am not!....he's been to counselling, I've made him move out a couple of times but, you know what, we have five kids, three grandchildren, a beautiful house, and he gives me whatever I ask for. He also knows after the last time I caught him cheating that I will never have sex with him again unless he uses a condom which I keep beside the bed. I had him transfer all the investments over into my name, I had him sign papers saying the house would be transferred to me if we ever divorced and I made him go have bloodwork for HIV and other STDs which humiliated him beyond belief (and he goes every six months now or he moves out)....and I gave him the choice - he could stay and love me or go and love everyone else. I won't be his victim - I'll leave that role to all the women who buy his lines and sleep with him thinking there is something at the other end. There is nothing! ....I am going to live my life and love my family and my security and he can either be a part of that or not. But the part he will never have, so long as he lives and breathes, is the confidence and knowledge that I still love and trust and worship him as I did when we married - every day he knows he destroyed that. I am the wife and mother....I am not going anywhere. If he hasn't got the guts to stand up and be a man and do what he promised to do, let him leave...but he knows it will be with nothing-and he has yet to find anyone who wants to take on the 'joys' of starting out with nothing with a middle aged, married man! At this stage in my life, I am not starting over; I am continuing on, enjoying all that I have worked hard to have......I have nothing to want for and that's how its going to stay!

 

Of course it's her choice (and his choice) to stay in this situation, which they both agree to for their own reasons. I'm not going to say Oh Poor Her! Because of course she's doing it of her own free will, presumably as he is too. Possibly for very similar reasons: things stay pretty much as they are, family and finances intact, and he badmouths his OW every time he gets caught and goes for blood tests and dons the condom every time they have sex. And the rest of the understanding: he gets to have sex with other women as long as it's understood: he "can't help himself" and they are only "whores". Their choice entirely, and who can knock it!

 

And I've read K's description of the woman as sounding content (resigned?) to this, because it's a payoff she's prepared (like him) to accept. Certainly no one could believe she chose this life, so I think 'accept' is the right word.

 

But I'm looking at the OP and seeing some words of doubt or negativity and inconsistency coming through, despite that image of contentment/acceptance:

 

Giving up on this situation would mean handing over things she sees as hers to some other woman. That sounds rather like cutting of your nose to spite your face to me, and not an unusual position for a woman to take: I don't particularly want him but I don't want anyone else to have him! Besides, it doesn't really make sense. She wouldn't be handing over her family, or (if reports are correct) her house, investments or anything else. Another woman would get, in her words, 'nothing'... so what is she hanging on to exactly that might be taken away?

 

Why the insistance that she's not disposable, like the others? Again, not a statement I'd expect to hear from someone really secure in her position. She refers to herself as 'the wife and the mother', and it sounds so much like she's clinging to those roles as her right, her justification, and her policy against change that I again question her feelings of security.

 

Along the same lines is the assertion that she is not a victim: the victims are those other women out there who he uses. This steely determination to see herself as one kind of woman, and they as another lesser kind, to take solace in the fact that he finds them disposable, and that they mean nothing to him again smacks of insecurity. No one secure in themselves needs to put others down or look on them as 'lesser'.

 

Also, why insist he makes investments and the house over to her in the event of a divorce if she wasn't in some way concerned that a divorce might actually happen? If she's so sure he's been unmanned and is so desperate to stay, why the need for this? Doesn't sound too certain to me.

 

And the words: "at this stage in my life I am not starting over"... again, what if she were younger? Had less? Would she be freer? Or would she still be tied to this man who she no longer loves, trusts, or worships like she did when she married him. It might sound like strength, but comes across as bravado, resignation, and making the best of things. I'm not knocking it, I'm just saying what I see. No doubt it works for her, personally it wouldn't be my choice, but then I put love and respect for my partner before outward appearances, money, maintaining the original family unit or whatever her motivations are.

 

Now if I loved him, that would be something else... and perhaps she really does, and is hurt beyond belief and hopes in her heart things could change. She talks of 'one day' when he's too old to attract other women or keep up with them... when he'll be hers again? Very hard to say how she feels and perhaps she doesn't even know herself.

 

But I'm looking at these words: He hasn't yet found anyone willing to take on an aging married man with nothing, and again I see fear... Why say that unless it's a question going on in her mind..? What's going to happen... he gets too old to find love? Or love finds him before his life is over? And if it does, will he value that over the house and investments and family Christmases? Is that something that goes through her mind?

 

Anyway, I'm very late to the thread, and aware that people have criticised others putting their thoughts out there. But those are mine. Not a judgement, more musing. And of course all we have are reported words third hand and our own life experience and expectations to go on.

[OWoman]

Anyway, I'm very late to the thread, and aware that people have criticised others putting their thoughts out there. But those are mine. Not a judgement, more musing. And of course all we have are reported words third hand and our own life experience and expectations to go on.

 

Similar thoughts to mine. If she really is happy, good for her / them. But I read more into what she says, and "secure" is not the word that comes to mind.

[NoIDidn't]

If she really is happy, good for her / them.

 

That's what I think. If she's happy with it, good for her. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

But I read more into what she says, and "secure" is not the word that comes to mind.

 

And this is what gets most of us into trouble. Not taking what a person says at face value and inserting what we can "read" into their words becomes value judgments concerning that person. It is possible that what you are "reading" into the story is true. But it is also true that you could be wrong.

 

Question is, why are so many reading into her story mostly negative things and unable to see the many positives plainly there? To ignore the positives shows bias and discounts the "good for her" claims.

[luvmy2ns]

Question is' date=' why are so many reading into her story mostly negative things and unable to see the many positives plainly there? To ignore the positives shows bias and discounts the "good for her" claims.[/quote']

 

Sour grapes.

[Phateless]

Went on a 'Women's Spa Weekend" this past weekend and met several women who I did not know. Weekend was my girlfriend's idea as I've been so down lately (she has no idea why). Anyway, sitting over several glasses of wine and some great conversation, the topic of men came up (as is usually the case with that many women). One woman (married 31 years to high school sweetheart) stated her husband was a serial cheater. Could not even control the impulse and I blurted out "Why do you stay?" I expected the same story as I hear here all the time......this is the answer I got:

 

 

Why would I go anywhere? Why would I throw away everything that I have worked so hard for and deserve just so some other woman can come in and enjoy it....He will never leave me and he will someday be too old to carry on the way he does. Every one of the women he has been with and got caught with he calls 'whores' and disrespects - I actually feel sorry for them because he uses them then throws them away - they are disposable to him but I am not!....he's been to counselling, I've made him move out a couple of times but, you know what, we have five kids, three grandchildren, a beautiful house, and he gives me whatever I ask for. He also knows after the last time I caught him cheating that I will never have sex with him again unless he uses a condom which I keep beside the bed. I had him transfer all the investments over into my name, I had him sign papers saying the house would be transferred to me if we ever divorced and I made him go have bloodwork for HIV and other STDs which humiliated him beyond belief (and he goes every six months now or he moves out)....and I gave him the choice - he could stay and love me or go and love everyone else. I won't be his victim - I'll leave that role to all the women who buy his lines and sleep with him thinking there is something at the other end. There is nothing! ....I am going to live my life and love my family and my security and he can either be a part of that or not. But the part he will never have, so long as he lives and breathes, is the confidence and knowledge that I still love and trust and worship him as I did when we married - every day he knows he destroyed that. I am the wife and mother....I am not going anywhere. If he hasn't got the guts to stand up and be a man and do what he promised to do, let him leave...but he knows it will be with nothing-and he has yet to find anyone who wants to take on the 'joys' of starting out with nothing with a middle aged, married man! At this stage in my life, I am not starting over; I am continuing on, enjoying all that I have worked hard to have......I have nothing to want for and that's how its going to stay!

 

----- she stays because this is HER life! SHE worked for it! SHE earned it! There was nothing about her that denoted sympathy or 'victim' ----- No bitterness per say, just pure fact that this was HER life and he was now but a small part of the BIG picture (kids, grandkids, enjoying the fruits of her many years of hard work, etc.) Her H's significance in her life was simply that he was accommodating to her wants and needs - and expected NOTHING from her in return as she had already done her part! I believe they get on well as far as being civil with each other - he dropped her off and was there to pick her up (in a beautfiul car I might add).

 

Wow, that's definitely not a take on it that you hear very often. As long as she feels empowered, I guess that's what counts. It still sounds like a terrible situation to be in though...

[OWoman]

Question is' date=' why are so many reading into her story mostly negative things and unable to see the many positives plainly there? To ignore the positives shows bias and discounts the "good for her" claims.[/quote']

 

NID I didn't count up to see whether the balance was "mostly" one way or the other. I suppose my post - and I can only speak safely about my post, rather than "reading into" anyone else's - was that there was a mix of both (perceived) positive and negative in her situation. That it wasn't all champagne and roses, despite her claims.

 

But then, whose life is, I guess. And if she's happy, or content, or satisfied, or whatever best describes her situation, then good for her. It's not what I'd choose, but then few people's lives are.

[NoIDidn't]

NID I didn't count up to see whether the balance was "mostly" one way or the other. I suppose my post - and I can only speak safely about my post, rather than "reading into" anyone else's - was that there was a mix of both (perceived) positive and negative in her situation. That it wasn't all champagne and roses, despite her claims.

 

But then, whose life is, I guess. And if she's happy, or content, or satisfied, or whatever best describes her situation, then good for her. It's not what I'd choose, but then few people's lives are.

 

I didn't really count up to see a balance either. I just noted that their are some positives that can be taken away from what she said.

 

I can't say with certainly or conviction that I'd choose what she has chosen either. I've always said that I could, but I also said I'd leave if my H ever cheated on me in any way. So, I can see what my word is good for.

 

Not much if one has to judge by my previous declarations.

[bish]

She is choosing her lifestyle over what her heart and mind really need--sad is right! Money and quality mean more to her than values and a trusting husband. She is no better than the man cheating on her. She needs his money--not him. Shameful.

 

Shameful eh?

 

So you are worried about that woman's "quality"....so I take it quality to you means messing around with someone elses husband? doesn't sound like a quality man to me.

[White Flower]

Originally posted by NID>

I didn't really count up to see a balance either. I just noted that their are some positives that can be taken away from what she said.

 

I can't say with certainly or conviction that I'd choose what she has chosen either. I've always said that I could, but I also said I'd leave if my H ever cheated on me in any way. So, I can see what my word is good for.

 

Not much if one has to judge by my previous declarations.

 

NID also brings up a good point and while reading this post I kept wondering what the average age was of most of us on this thread. I'm guessing we're all pretty much under the age of 50, thus younger than the BS who is the subject of this thread. We all would love to believe that we'll be romantically in love in our golden years just like we were when we married. Truth is most of us haven't reached that age and have not realized yet what we are going to settle for in the future.

 

Many women, after menopause, simply don't care about sex much anymore. They might even rationalize that if their Hs have high libidos still, let them have their cake as long as they don't have everything they've worked for taken away. Sad reality, yet very practical.

[Lizzie60]

This has been my experience EXACTLY! An older woman always exudes more confidence and that is SEXY as hell!!!1

 

I had more younger men hitting on me when I was 50 than when I was 30... lol .. still do...

[Gwyneth]

Shameful eh?

 

So you are worried about that woman's "quality"....so I take it quality to you means messing around with someone elses husband? doesn't sound like a quality man to me.

 

I joyfully exist on being entertained by her misery. I run around and cheer "I AM WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND!!!!" I dance around naked every night touching myself thinking about him naked while he's home having sex with his wife. I live knowing that he is having sex with her thinking about me.

 

This is what I think you think of me since...

 

you seem to analyze Every Thing i say into your own sick and twisted interpertation--so, analyze that!

[bish]

I joyfully exist on being entertained by her misery. I run around and cheer "I AM WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND!!!!"

 

You know you say that jokingly...but I bet it isn't far from the truth...with the exception of announcing it publicly.

 

Besides...who said anything about her misery? My comment was directed that you could give a crap about this woman's quality and somehow think a man that cheats on his wife is quality himself.

 

Do try to be more relevant.