Holiday with cheating ex...urgent!

[okiman]

Short history, been together almost 3 years, she cheated on me a few times with same guy. We are in our 30s, child which is hers, we were like being married without the paper. We were both responsible for problems though she should never have cheated. Anyway she moved out when I caught her again. She now seems confused what she wants. She's offering me a chance to go on holiday with her for a week as one last chance to see if we can be good together again. Problem is I don't feel comfortable with it, only 1 week ago she moved out to be with this guy now she wants to spend a week with me and lie to him. I know this is not good, but I do love her and feel if there is a chance I should take it, I'm just worried after a lot of lying there is some ulterior motive and she has not intention of trying again with me if we are good together. What do you guys and gals think?

[lovelorcet]

Honestly? Kick her ass to the curb and move on. This is a no brainer...

[Citizen Erased]

The issue to me is not with how you work as a couple. The fact she has cheated on you numerous times and thinks it can all be fixed with how she behaves around you for a week long holiday...well

 

LEAVE HER NOW. Like lovelorcet said, kick her to th curb. The nerve of some people.

 

Some people who cheat don't do it again. Your wife is not one of those people.

[okiman]

I know you are right. She has been cheating with the same guy a few times, lied a lot, been devious etc etc. The problem I have and maybe you have been there before is what if? What if this is a genuine opportunity and I pass it up, will I regret it for the rest of my life? I hate what she has done but still love her, sometimes I wish I didn't. If I pass it up I may regret it or not, if I go for it, I know I will be so destroyed if she is playing games again..... I know to you guys it is probably an easy decision but when I am in the middle of it and having spent a week alone in a cold empty apartment it is not so easy. It's a very very large gold carrot being dangled in front of me!

[Tripper]

Hi Oki.. I understand your pain and turmoil.. but I have to agree with the others.. she is a cheater.. not once... not twice.. but... ??? how many times?

 

The fact that she has cheated on you with the same guy, makes me wonder if she doesn't have some sort of obsession with him. Just a thought. But ask yourself this:

Do you want to live like this??

How many more times do you want to go through this??

Are you not worth more than to be treated like this??

 

The fact that she's willing to cheat on the other dude really shows a serious character flaw; she seems to feel she has the right to a "moral flexibility" without any thought to the consequences.

 

Suppose, for the sake of argument, you do take her back. Do you honestly think she'll stop?? What happens if she cheats again?? When does this stop??

If you are bound and determined to give it one more shot, though I personally think that would be a mistake, I think you need to insist that both of you go to MC and she goes into therapy to find out what the issues are that cause this behaviour. Because this isn't normal.

 

Don't let yourself be treated like a doormat. Good luck...

[okiman]

I think she does have some sort of obsession or sickness about him because I know she has tried to put him from her mind and life but something keeps drawing her back. She has said he is not as good as me, but something keeps drawing her in, maybe a challenge I don't know but there is definitely an obsession going on. Yeah I had thought about this, she leaves her home and takes her son to be with someone else, yet every day argues with him and wants to cry on my shoulder which is a bit much then only a few days later suggests going away. So now I have somehow become the other man because she is lying to him about what she is doing and plotting with me!!!! How did that get so ****ed up, I said to her today how did it turn around from you sneaking around behind my back that now 1 week later we are sneaking around behind his back. It is really messed up. The guy's a bit violent and angry as well so I'm trying to work out whether she is paranoid about him catching her with me because she is scared or because she is protecting that relationship. It's a total total mess to be honest and I agree with you, the morals of someone male or female to fluctuate so quickly between people and the number of lies is incredible. I know I should totally kick her firmly into touch, it's just so damn hard to do. I know that if we fix the problems now, there will be more in life when she will also probably just run off for another attention fix. I know the strong man thing is not to go and tell her to get lost, but when it's three years of your life and your family and all the rest it's really really difficult to do. It would be easier if the person just left and wasn't giving you any option or contact, hard at first but gets easier. I feel like I Can't get off the rollercoaster.

[Tripper]

I know the strong man thing is not to go and tell her to get lost, but when it's three years of your life and your family and all the rest it's really really difficult to do. It would be easier if the person just left and wasn't giving you any option or contact, hard at first but gets easier. I feel like I Can't get off the rollercoaster.

 

 

Only you can decide when you have had enough abuse and want to get off the emotional rollercoaster. This is also a difficult time of the year when you want to be with family so you are doubly challenged.

I appreciate that you've invested 3 yrs. into the relationship, but at some point you may want to cut your losses. Can you do this for another 3 yrs?? What about 10 yrs??

You may want to consider going NC with her. It might not make it less painful initially, but you may need the time to do some serious thinking about the whole relationship and what kind of future you would have with her... or without her.

 

One thing is certain and that's that you, as a human being, deserve better than this.

[okiman]

It's crazy..... When she is not here, I'm sad sometimes but do hate her a lot....remembering all the lies, deception, manipulation then.... I see her and she is nice, seemingly genuine, One thing I don't get, I mean really don't get is that she has manipulated me into a number two spot pretty much of the OM. Which is unpleasant. I might be with her now and listening to her lie to him, or she has to run home so he doesnt see her with me. So it looks like he is more important to her, I don't believe she is that scared of him, more like she doesn't want to lose him. So what's with wanting to go away with me, lie to him, if he finds out he is definitely gone and he already doesn't trust her. Her explanation is that....she has said she likes him, she thinks I cannot change the problems I had in the relationship before, so she wants to give it one last chance. It sounds believable but its just too crazy. If she really liked this guy then wouldn't she just stay with him, instead of going away with me and wanting to meet me every day when he is at work for lunch? Then she ignores me in the evening when she is with him? I am so confused, I know she is being a bitch, it's still hard to walk away at xmas after 3 years, its like she is a different person now to the one I met.

[Tripper]

\Her explanation is that....she has said she likes him, she thinks I cannot change the problems I had in the relationship before, so she wants to give it one last chance. It sounds believable but its just too crazy. If she really liked this guy then wouldn't she just stay with him, instead of going away with me and wanting to meet me every day when he is at work for lunch? Then she ignores me in the evening when she is with him? .

 

OM, the news for her is that every relationship has problems at times. It's not the problems BUT HOW you deal with them that is the key to a healthy relationship. Open communication is just one of the keys. Respect and trust and a willingness to change and resolve the issues are also paramount. Unfortunately she's not showing any of that to you and in some crazy way blaming you by saying she's cheating because you cannot resolve past problems. This is nuts!

If she really wanted to give it one last chance she would cut off contact with the OM and focus on your relationship exclusively.

Keep in mind you also provide a safety net for her. In the past you've taken her back, forgiven her and picked up the pieces. She gets to have her cake and eat it too and this is very unfair to you.

If you decide to give it one more shot, you need to make her understand in no uncertain terms that if it ever happens again, she's history. But don't take this stance until you can follow through with the ultimatum.

In the mean time you may want to have no contact with her. Let her find out what it's like without you in her life.

I feel for you, I really do, OM. I understand that there are strong emotions involved on your part and that it is difficult to see what to do. Please remember no one can use or abuse you like this unless you let them. At this point, with her history, you need to be thinking of yourself.

[okiman]

I completely agree with all you have written especially regarding how you deal with problems and she is acting nuts! She takes no responsibility for anything.... I am truly not sure I want to be with her anymore, but equally not having her in my life scares the hell out of me as well! I agree with you that she would ditch the other guy if she really wanted to try. Well she did do that before, 3 or 4 times, she would ditch him because she saw something bad, worked on us for a little while which was good, but then the "sickness" would take over and she would or he would call again after a week or two apart. So I caught them again and she moved out to him. So now the question is, and I agree she is a cake eater, the one million dollar question: Is she seriously thinking about going away and trying with me, (she wants to go to where we first met) and maybe doesnt believe it can be good again so is keeping the other guy around OR ALTERNATIVELY she is playing some game, wants a holiday and has no intention whatever I may or may not do of trying again with me...... What do you think>

[Krytie TV]

What do you guys and gals think?

 

I think you need to get a freakin backbone. WTF are you thinking? How is this even a question? The fact that you're willing to explain and justify her behavior tells all of us how this will end. She will have an opportunity to cheat on you again in the future because she'll come back and you'll take her back. It's sad.

[Cobra_X30]

I completely agree with all you have written especially regarding how you deal with problems and she is acting nuts! She takes no responsibility for anything.... I am truly not sure I want to be with her anymore, but equally not having her in my life scares the hell out of me as well! I

 

Possibility:

 

Take her up on the holiday offer. Take lots of photos, reciepts, whatever proof you can get that you two were away together. Then send it to the other guy! Never talk to her again.

 

Truth is... she can only play you two off each other as long as your both willing to allow it!

[Trialbyfire]

Don't even consider it. She's obviously not dealt with her issues and will continue to rubberband between the two of you.

 

In continuing your affair, yes affair, since the other guy is her primary relationship, you validate and empower her crappy behaviour. Enough is enough. Get tough, cut her loose. Drop her to the bottom of the ocean with proverbial cement shoes and walk away. Do it before it gets worse.

[Tripper]

So now the question is, and I agree she is a cake eater, the one million dollar question: Is she seriously thinking about going away and trying with me, (she wants to go to where we first met) and maybe doesnt believe it can be good again so is keeping the other guy around OR ALTERNATIVELY she is playing some game, wants a holiday and has no intention whatever I may or may not do of trying again with me...... What do you think>

 

 

If I were a betting man and this were a horse race, her track record tells me EXACTLY how it will play out.

If it were up to me, I'd tell her to forget the holiday and the money would be better spent on her getting therapy to deal with this obsessive cheating. THEN maybe you could consider continuing the relationship.

I understand your frustration but this goes beyond that to insanity. I define insanity as doing the same thing over and over and over with the expectation of a different result. And, OM, that's the situation your in.

Getting her into therapy to work out the issues that cause this behaviour is a different approach.

I think if you simply give in and go on the holiday with the idea of "fixing" your relationship you will simply be disappointed in the future. Heck, you could have a great holiday but I wouldn't count on this issue being resolved. Also and this is more of a housekeeping issue, if she's been sleeping with this dude, you better think about STD's. No point in adding to the misery.

[okiman]

You are all right, I don't know whats wrong with me sometimes. I think the problem is that I got divorced three years ago and she came into my life at a horrible time and made me happy. Since then when I lost my friends through divorce and my wife, she became my focus and she was responsible for making me happy, which is not good when one person is your soul focus. So that was my fault. I am getting quite mad with myself because I know you guys are all correct! She has I think given me a minor STD, I know she did f**k both of us on the same day sometimes without us knowing. She basically doesn't have any morals is entirely self centered and as long as she is ok that's it! So I feel pretty pathetic for wanting her back, I should be thinking I have had a narrow escape. But as much as I try I still well up every time I think about good times and just wonder whether she changed or I never spotted it. The funny thing is that even her best female friend thinks she needs a psychiatrist now!! So interesting you mentioned that! I don't know why I care so much, why I still care about her and why I'm unhappy. I do understand the WTF are you doing type comments, I dont feel good about taking this ****, but everytime I see her I remember good times and it's difficult to separate the two. Sorry I am rambling, I really appreciate the help.

[Tripper]

and she came into my life at a horrible time and made me happy. Since then when I lost my friends through divorce and my wife, she became my focus and she was responsible for making me happy, which is not good when one person is your soul focus.

 

 

OM, remember one thing. No one can make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. Others, particularly in a relationship can enhance your happiness, but you are still responsible for your own happiness and peace of mind.

I realize that you have a very strong emotional bond with her and understand that she became your rock to cling to when you divorced. Maybe it's time to be on your own for awhile so that you can grow as a person. Do the soul searching and the work, as trite as this may sound, to "find yourself". If you can't be by yourself I generally feel that you don't like the person you are.. and if that's the case, how can you expect someone to be with you. This is something that you can't do overnight.

As far as the original situation with your gf, you've gotten some good advice and different points of view. Ultimately you have to make the decision and do what's best for YOU!! No matter which way you decide there's going to be pain. But a) you didn't cause it and b) you'll have less pain in the long run if you move yourself forward, away from this relationship and slowly start the healing process...