I want to have a future with her

[555173]

ok well ive been dating this girl since i was 18 and she was 17 for the last 3 years of my life. we met when i was 15 and she was 14 and she pointed me out in high school to her friends and said i was sooo hot. well, i went to their group and she has liked me since she was 14 and has wanted me ever since. its so hard because we where friends and she always was so attatched to me. well we liked each other but not after i did something dumb and went out with all of her friends. it was hard because she was so shy and couldn't be close to me so i went to her friends because they where normal. when i was 16 and started growing more attatched to her and have always thought she was very attractive. well we where kinda on and off but never dating until my senior year after her first guy she slept with. she was with him for 3 months. i was a virgin and she had one guy. we started going out in june 1 of 2000 and recently broke up because she has always had the thought in the back of her mind that she would want to be with more people before she can go on with any real relationship just to see whats out that and the experiece. she is 20 and i am 21 now and she started working at this resort last october. she started getting to know the people working there and in april of this year started going out with them and there whole croud. they are mainly guys and a few girls. well she said she wanted to do this now because this is the best time but she is still in love with me and attatched to me. we are trying to not talk to each other to get away from each other and get each other out of our heads. its very very hard and she says she misses me a lot and a lot of stuff we did and done. we had sex last sat, the 31 when we broke up on the 19 so we werent going out when that happened. she said she has too much temptation when she goes out with them problem because of the guys and thats why she thinks this is a good time to break up and see other people even thought she still loves me and wants me, she needs to do this to get out more and have more experiece. she told me about this one guy that she kissed a few days ago and he works at her work and they are kinda seeing each other. it makes me mad but i dont know what to do. she says she wants to take some time from being friends first and than after a while we should start talking again and being friends like we always used to be. we used to be good friends that did everything together and always flirted and everything before we actually went out. What should i do now, i mean ive been with her my last 3 years of my like and she says she confused about everything about me, about her, about what she wants and everything. she says she loves the attention she gets from the guys and i couldn't blame her because she is probally wanted by all of them. what should i do guys. ive only been with her my life practically and i dont mind it, but would kinda want to see other people but would want her. im in love with her and when we broke up i couldn't eat for 3 days literally. let me know what i should do. i want to have a future with her and have kids and be a family with her. thanks for your advice. i need all i can get right now.

[NEONINK]

She can have all the wants in the world and that's ok. It's ok for her to want to date other people in her life at this point. She isn't married to you, although it may have felt like marriage. You were not in fact married.

 

Here's the kicker.... You don't have to give her what she wants. You don't have to wait for her to get it out of her system. You can move on with your life, and start looking around you.

 

I'm thinking because this was your first, you are much more attached. This would be your first heartbreak as well. This has been your first love. It's very hard to let go of that first one.

 

Ideally, she would NOT have wanted to experience other people and would have wanted to settle down with you. But, reality has her in a different zone. Ideally, you would NOT have to cope with a broken heart, but reality is, she has probably hurt you very badly.

 

I know you wish she would behave differently. But, we all choose our behavior. If you can't wait for her, on her terms, then create a life outside and away from her.

 

You know... Sometimes with our first love, we have blinders and rose-colored glasses on. Once, you accept where she is, you might see her true colors.

 

But, I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's good you reach out for help. And there will be much learned over the next few months.

[555173]

ok, well she called me last night and wants to talk and be friends. she doesn't want to loose that and i dont either. she actually doesn't want to have a relationship right now she said and the guy she likes she isn't doing anything about. she is just trying to have fun and be young. well i was heart broken before her one big time but this is my first i slept with. im her first also. i dont know what this is going to come of from us being friends and actually hanging out together and doing things and talking so what do you guys think. we wont ever fully be over each other and we know that.

your input is greatly appreciated.

thanks

[NEONINK]

You have a couple of choices. Only you know how you will handle 'just being friends'.

 

But as young as you are, I'm sure you are figuring out your future employment, school, goals, projects, etc... So, you have plenty to keep you busy.

[555173]

i personally want to be friends with her, which means i will be part of her life. she wants me to be friends because she doesn't want me out of her life. what do you make of this? i know i can keep busy and all but i can still be friends with her.

[Yukon8e2]

Get her back dude. I am almost certain that you would be happiest with that. If you love her, as you say you do, then nothing else should matter. Get her back, tell her you want to be with her, love her, and spend the rest of your life with her. You know that's what you really want.

[555173]

well i know thats what i want but i know we need to do this to get on with things.

well tonight i told her i was doing something with my friend and a few other people and she wanted to come along. i told her no but met up with her later and we ate at chili's with my friend and her. she seemed kinda upset i didn't invite her but thats what she told me she wanted. what do you guys think of this? you think she just wants to see me and because there are other people there thats a way to do it without saying i want to see you? i dont know whats going on in her head but im just trying to go with the flow.

[NEONINK]

Maybe the less you are available, the more she wants you...

 

That's sometimes happens.

[555173]

WELL, today she calls me up and asks to do something with me. nobody else just me. i say well we can watch a movie and i wanted to bleech my hair and she was like yea we can do that and watch a movie. i said we can watch this movie i have, drink a little bit and bleech my hair and she agreed and said it would be fun. i dont know what the hell is going on with her. does this make any sense whatsoever with you guys? does she want me still? i think she does personally and she cant let it go.

let me know what you think

[NEONINK]

Make sure you don't drink too much before you bleach your hair...

That could get quite awful... But have fun, and put all the headstuff away for a while. It will clear up.

 

[555173]

well tonight was interesting.

she went and saw a movie with her family but she didn't like it or something and called me up in the middle of the movies and asks me to pick her up.

i picked her up and took her back to my house and she took off her shirt and gave her a message. i gave her a advil because her head hurt and than she said lets lay down after i gave her a message. she layed on my and i held her like we where together. she kept touching me and i kept saying this isn't good but didn't stop her. she than started touching my penis and went down on it and it just got a little involved. after that we took a little nap till like 2 am because we where tired and i had to take her home than. why did this happen and why did she do it? does this make sense to anybody and please help me out with what she is thinking towards me. i think she is still in love with me personally. she said we need to do this( see other people) to go on with our relationship and take it further. has this happened to anybody before? does this make sense that we are doing this? i mean im curious to be with other people but know i want to be with her. its a good time in our life to do that but we still want each other. she still looks at me the same way as we are going out and like we have always been.

[555173]

well last night i guess she started a relationship with this younger guy(19) she's 20 and i guess she liked him a lot. she wants me still but wont cheat on him or anything. what does anyone make of this? it just kinda pisses me off that she did this after what we did the day before. i dont want me out of her head so how should i do that? i still love her and want her badly and she doesn't want me to go and leave her and this friendship we have had for a long time plus us.

[Moxy]

It sounds to me like she wants to keep you hanging by a thread till something better comes along.You are both very young and have become very familiar with each other.Sometimes its difficult to step outside your comfort zone,but in your case,I suggest you take a firm stand and either clarify your intentions with this girl,and date exclusively,or you move on without her.By her actions,she has declared she is moving on,and as much as it hurts you,I believe you should do the same.There is a woman out there who is much more deserving of your love and loyalty,but how will you find her if you don't close this chapter in your life and open your heart to new experience? You choose your own behavior,and are responsible for such,but you cannot control nor should you try to control hers,so what's it going to be? An off again on again relationship full of strife and heartache,or a meaningful committed relationship with a woman who is on the same page as you? The choice is yours for the making!

[555173]

well the thing is we know we need to do this to get on with us in the future. we have always been very sexual people and would always wonder "what if" if we got more commited in our relationship. we couldn't take it that much further because of this in the back of our minds. we will always have feelings for each other even when we are with other people. it shows right now. she said she wants me but knows she has to do this and is with him now, but is confused about it. ill just let it go as it comes to me and look for someone in the meantime like we planned. you think this is a good idea? thanks for your input.

[Moxy]

I know love is blind,but realistically,there is no "US" as long as the two of you continue to see other people!!! It is not love but infatuation that the two of you are experiencing otherwise you would be together and not sleeping with other people! Take the blinders off and see the relationship you have with this girl for what it is,a sexual romp from time to time,along with an occasional movie! Dreaming and hoping for a future together does not make it so,and to continue this pattern is only destructive and wasteful! I am 39 years young,never married and no children,but would rather be alone and happy than to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me in a long term committed relationship.Believe me,I have ample oppurunities,but decided long ago never to settle for second best! Why are you willing to settle,do you think that little of yourself? I don't mean to be harsh,but seriously,time is much too precious to waste,I suggest you don't waste another second! Cut the ties,completely,otherwise you will not heal and be able to find a love thats lasting and true!! TRUST ME ON THIS!!! Good luck.....

[555173]

it was not a sexual romp or occationally movie. we dated for the last 3 years and she has wanted me for the last 6 years. we where always friends before but she always wanted more back than and i wasn't having it. we want to have a future but in order to do that we need to do this, because we are young and dont know what else is out there. if we find people that we want to be with and not have a future together its ok and we are willing to take that risk. i just know ill always have something special for this girl. i dont want to settle with her and even if she asked for me back right now i wouldn't except because i know we need to get on with our lives and grow. its not the time for us right now and it took me 3 weeks to figure that out. she's confused as any girl her age is that has these kind of feelings. i will grow and meet people and have a life outside of her, even though ive been with her for years and years in a commited relationship. if it works out than great, if it doesn't than it wasn't ment to be.

[Moxy]

Sounds to me like you've decided already,so why post the dilema at all? You have made your bed, now you can lie in it,and deserve whatever comes your way.Life doesn't just happen,it's the choices you make! The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior,and from what you have told me thus far,you are in for more of the same. You may expect a future with this woman,and if it's truly what you want,then I wish you all the best.In the meantime,enjoy her and the relationships she has with other men.Your a better person than I to settle for that type of a relationship with the woman you supposedly love.If you sense the anger,you are right on the money,as I hate to see anyone,including your ex girlfreid,waste happiness thats seemingly staring you both straight in the face! Choosing to "find yourself,or exploring your feelings" is a huge cop out,fear of committment and the hard work it takes to sustain a long lasting relationship is whats keeping you two apart,think about it...........

[NEONINK]

Moxy,

"I hate to see anyone waste happiness thats seemingly staring you both straight in the face! Choosing to "find yourself,or exploring your feelings" is a huge cop out, fear of committment and the hard work it takes to sustain a long lasting relationship is whats keeping you two apart"

 

I wish I would have thought of these words over the last two months of my life. I wish I could live these words for the rest of my life.

 

Someone asking to rebuild their life is copping out, because they could just as easily build it with you instead of without.

[555173]

thanks for all the help and input. it is greatly appreciated. i just know we need to do this and its for the better or atleast thats the way it seems. ill always have a special place for her and our experiece together over these last few years, and if it works out in the future than thats the way it was meant to be and if it doesn't than it doesn't. i dont want to loose her as a friend and she doesn't either so we wont loose contact like so many people do. we have a lot of the same friends so we need to learn to get along and turn things back into what they used to be before we where dating. ive been through a lot the last few weeks and its been extremely hard forgeting about her and trying to get her out of my head and its the same for her. she is trying to still get me out of her head so she can move on for the time being. thanks again.

[Moxy]

I'm dropping this last note to tell you I feel for what you are going through.Life is never simple and anything worth having never comes easy.Sometimes getting a perspective from a third party can be enlightening,nonetheless,there are always three sides to a story,his side,her side,and somewhere inbetween,the truth.Personally,I have remained friends with only one ex boyfriend,and it took alot of soul searching and hard work on my part to reside myself to the fact that we were better off that way than in a relationship.It is tough to do,but it is possible as long as you remember,good friends do not sleep together.If you and your ex continue to do so,whatever effort you have made to continue the friendship will be in vain and futile. Time apart with no contact is the key to putting your friendship back on track,otherwise the constant reminder will entice you to reach out to what has become a familiar pattern.Please forgive me if some of my threads were harsh,I did not intentionallymean to imply that I know it all,on the contrary,I am just sharing what knowledge I have learned from my own experience.Take care,and if I can be of any help in the future,feel free to drop me a line.Sincerely,Darlene aka:Moxy

[lil_bad_girl44]

Listen hun... I know exactly what your talking about but there is something you need to understand... you were young when you met and you have a lot of years ahead of you. shes got the right idea. she needs to see whats out there and so do you. Please let her go. cut off all ties . dont call her dont let her string you along and use you as back up. go out and date. give your heart the chance to find eternal true everlasing love. no doubt you dont love her, but hearts are big and can hold a lot of love ... alot of different kinds of love. everyone has there first loves. but you WILL find someone if you give a chance. LET HER GO!! do what she says and move on and dont let her play with you head man!!

[555173]

she says her new guy doesn't tell her she is pretty or compliments her like that at all. she said she misses that about me because i did that every day for 3 years. there is also another thing about sexuality that he doesn't have that makes her mad. me and her are the same when it comes to sex and girls on girls and that kind of stuff and he hates the whole girl girl thing and doesn't find anything sexy to be sexy in our minds. she doesn't like that at all either and doens't know what to do. i dont want to stop talking to her but i am looking for other people. she knows that and thats what we had planned. she says she misses a lot about me and i couldn't blame her for what we had. i dont want to have a very serious relationship right now after i had this, i just want to have fun and meet people but no long commitments.