Am I selfish, twisted, mean....?

[Amour77]

Hi,

I am just about to get married. My fiancee and I are talking about buying a house, having children, etc.... Normal things for a couple about to get married.

As a bit of background info, I earn a bit more money than her (although she gets a good salary).

When we spoke about buying a house after we get married, etc..., she said something along the lines of: "You earn more money than me, you will pay more money into the mortgage.... so that we can buy a more expensive house.

On other occasions, she has said similar things like "you earn more, so you should pay more of the rent, of the bills, etc...." I have told her that as far as the rent or the bills are concerned, it has to be shared equally, above all 'cause she can perfectly afford it. Me earning more is not an excuse for paying a bigger part than her.

I have a similar view on the purchase of a house.

If I was listening to her, I would pay 60, 70 or more % of the house. If things go wrong one day between us, I am heading for a serious desillusion as she will make serious money on my back (which I don't think is fair).

When I put my opinion forward, she said things like " You don't trust me, you are selfish, you are protecting yourself, all you are thinking about is you.....You don't want what's best for us" "I don't want to marry someone who does not trust me".

I would not mind putting more money into the mortgage, but I would like it to be stated somewhere, so that if one day, things go wrong, I will get my money back, not her. I think that, in the world we live in nowadays, it is not unreasonable to think this way.A few people around me are telling me I am right, but I don't totally trust their judgement.

Let's be clear, I am not saying that we should keep an accurate record of who's spending what, who's paid for the weekly shopping, etc... I don't mind paying for a TV or a DVD player, or treat my wife... Here I am talking about a huge amount of money like a house and a life-long investment. I consider that in a couple, each party should contribute more or less equally, even if one has more money. I think it is a matter of respect for one another and not taking the other one for granted.

I don't understand the way she sees things.... I don't think the same way. If the reverse situation was true, I don't think I would expect her to pay more because she has more money.

 

Am I selfish, twisted, thinking only about myself? I love her to bits and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. At the same time, if things go wrong in 20 years, I don't want to be in a bad position.

[Trialbyfire]

When we spoke about buying a house after we get married, etc

Here's how it goes. If you purchase the house after you get married, regardless of how much each contribute to this house, it's half hers.

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like you have the wrong mindsets to be getting married. Once you are married it should be "ours".

 

Clearly looking towards a divorce and how you will lose out is another reason I don't think you should be getting married.

 

But if you really love her and the only way she'll marry you is if you contribute more than half then get it in writing. A pre-nup.

[Amour77]

I know, trialbyfire ....

[tanbark813]

If she wants you to pay 70% of the mortgage then tell her she has to do 70% of the housework. That seems fair.

[Trialbyfire]

A prenup is a good idea. I would never remarry without one and if someone protests, it would make my spidey-sense tingle.

 

There are gold-diggers in every gender, size and shape.

[Amour77]

What are ladies thinking about it?

 

Do you all expect your husbands to pay more (for significant things-once again, I am not talking about going out to the cinema or things like that) if he earns more, like you earn a third more, you pay for a third more?

 

I don't think I am selfish, but when I hear things like "you should pay more because you earn more", there is something in me which does not like what it hears.

 

Keep the replies flowing. Thank you

[reboot]

It sounds like you have the wrong mindsets to be getting married. Once you are married it should be "ours".

 

Clearly looking towards a divorce and how you will lose out is another reason I don't think you should be getting married.

Sorry, I agree with all of this.

[MissCourtney]

honestly,

 

My fiance supports me completely. Pays for everything.

 

And he loves taking care of me.

 

I dont work. I go to school.

 

So you and I are at the same stage of the relationship but totally different ways of how we are in the relationship.

 

Every man has a different viewpoint. Every woman has a different viewpoint.

 

Maybe you should talk to her about it. If yall are serious about pursuing marriage and kids.

 

_c

[Amour77]

Sorry, I agree with all of this.

 

Fair enough. Thank you for your input

[Amour77]

honestly,

 

My fiance supports me completely. Pays for everything.

 

_c

 

No offense, but are you OK with this situation? If you were working, would you like him to pay for everything? rent or mortgage, bills, shopping, etc....?

[Sun_Conure]

My husband paid for everything. He hated when I talked about my salary in terms of "my money." In fact, he always corrected that everything we had was OURS. And by the law of the state where I live, it was community property anyway

 

BTW, when things stopped working in my marriage, he started to remind to me that he earns more, thus he should not work around the house as much as I should. Well, that did not lead to a good relationship. At some point I had enough It's not about money, it's about the attitude

 

By the way, now I will approach the whole marriage finances thing differently. Not sure how though ...

[Trialbyfire]

Btw, armour77, I am a woman and completely self-supporting. I'd never rely on anyone to take care of me.

[tanbark813]

Btw, armour77, I am a woman and completely self-supporting. I'd never rely on anyone to take care of me.

 

Are you hoping he'll give you a medal or something?

[Trialbyfire]

Are you hoping he'll give you a medal or something?

I can afford to buy my own medal. I've got at least a dozen in a drawer somewhere.

[Amour77]

BTW, when things stopped working in my marriage, he started to remind to me that he earns more, thus he should not work around the house as much as I should. Well, that did not lead to a good relationship. At some point I had enough It's not about money, it's about the attitude

 

By the way, now I will approach the whole marriage finances thing differently. Not sure how though ...

 

Who decided to leave? You or your husband? It seems that him paying for everything created a problem because he resented paying for everything, while also having to work at home (which he thought, maybe it was not for him to do).

 

 

I don't think that my fiancee and I, we are more clever or better than anybody else, and that we will stay together forever. You see so many people around you for whom it is not working that you have to consider both situations so that we can be happier with what we have..... and I hope it will work for us.

[Krytie TV]

Am I selfish, twisted, thinking only about myself?

 

Yeah, I think so... I completely agree with her. I believe that marriage should lend itself to relative contributions rather than a 50/50 contribution. If I made 33% more money than my wife, would it be fair for me to be the only one with money left over after the mortgage?

 

Yeah, you have a missing concept of team here. You're being greedy, and that's something that should concern her. Go ahead, get a prenup... good idea. But if you insist on a 50/50 split, that's just selfish.

[Amour77]

Btw, armour77, I am a woman and completely self-supporting. I'd never rely on anyone to take care of me.

 

That's what I like in a woman.

 

Please note, I never said that my fiancee should be self-supporting either. As I said, I will buy things for us, for her, will treat her and will never ask her for the money back or ask her to contribute.

[Trialbyfire]

That's what I like in a woman.

See Tan, I got my medal, albeit a textual one.

 

In all seriousness, it's a pet peeve of mine. If women want equality, they need to belly up to the counter and be equal partners.

[tanbark813]

See Tan, I got my medal, albeit a textual one.

 

Woo! You should go for a gold star next.

 

In all seriousness, it's a pet peeve of mine. If women want equality, they need to belly up to the counter and be equal partners.

 

Hell yeah. Now you're talkin', sister.

[Sun_Conure]

Amour77,

 

I decided to leave. I doubt he resented anything. Before we got married and during our first several years, he was very persistent in explaining to me that everything WE both have belongs to our family. WE were not just HE and I anymore, we also became US/FAMILY. We had OUR home, OUR cat, OUR income, etc. We had joint account and all the money there belongs to both of us.

 

The problem that I see here is that guys oftentimes cannot handle being equal. Once I started to grow personally at lot faster then he did (got great career, lots of achievements), he started to put me down. At that point he began to talk about HIS salary and the fact that I am supposed to do all the work around the house (like before that he did a lot ). I never asked him to do too much anyway. And now I had to take care of my car because it's mine and I had to take care of dishes after his guests visited him, which they tended to do every Wed. In fact they stayed till 3 am twice a week and it was annoying because not only I was supposed to entertain them in the middle of the week but also to cook and clean after them. Was that fair? Did he resent anything? Oh yeah, he resented that I was able to do everything: cook, clean, bake cakes, entertain his friends, clean again, go to law school full time and work (got marvelous externship and job later).

 

His attitude changed. We stopped being a family and became He and I separately. That I did not like.

[white.crow]

Amour77, in modern marriage, half of what you earn is 'yours', and so half of her income belongs to you. Which means you share expenses proportionally, not half-and-half. This is confusing to many, but any accountant would undoubtebly say the same. So in fact, your fiancee is right in her logics. You still save more if times are good, this means have more for personal expense. If tables turn, she will be contributing a bigger part. You know, things happen, like unemployment or illness - not that I wish it upon you. So just ask about this last part to make sure she is not looking to freeride. And. Marriage is supposed to be for forever. If you are considering the "If things go wrong one day between us" scenarios, maybe it is not yet time to plan a wedding.

[CaterpillarGirl]

I would not be offended if someone asked me to contribute more because I made more. I think that is fair. Equality is not 50/50. At least, that's how I evaluate it. Marriage is definitely not 50/50, sometimes one partner does have to carry a bigger load for a while - ideally, this all balances out over time.

 

But it doesn't matter how I feel about paying more. I think the real issue is that you are uncomfortable with this 70% payment idea. She should be working with you to come up with a compromise. Maybe you contribute more financially, and she takes care of the lawn and housework, whatever. It's clear to me that you value your assets (as you should), but I'm sure there are other things important to you (time, flexibility, dinner dates, intimacy, whatever) that you should discuss, as well. I hope you can work things out.

[MissCourtney]

No offense, but are you OK with this situation? If you were working, would you like him to pay for everything? rent or mortgage, bills, shopping, etc....?

 

Your very right on this situation.

 

IF I was working I would not want him to pay for everything. AT ALL.

 

Very true. Didnt look at it like that.

 

But why did you propose if you knew she acted like this?????

 

-c

[milvushina]

For what it is worth, this is how we do it. I make more money, and I pay more bills. We have separate bank accounts, and if we split everything 50-50 I'd have spending money and he would have to not buy things for himself or else ask me for spending money. Ugh

 

Actually, I make almost exactly 20% more and I have divided up our bills so that we have about the same amount left after we pay them. Not a huge difference but it is several hundred dollars. So yes it is like I give him several hundred dollars a month. So what? We run a household together and that money all goes into OUR household. Yes, I could be keeping that money and putting it in a savings account for ME as my security if I find myself on my own one day. But I'd rather throw our lots in together completely. Have the attitude that we're a team and we look out for each other over ourselves, yes that could burn you, but the whole reason to take the chance is because our union takes priority over the self.