Am I selfish, twisted, mean....?

[norajane]

Well, what are you going to do when she has a baby and quits her job and 'your' money is going 100% toward the mortgage, all the bills, and everything she and your baby (or two or three) need? What about cars and minivans and college? Newsflash, your retirement fund becomes partly 'hers' too...she's entitled to it after a divorce or death (as you are to hers).

 

Once you get married, it's all "our" money. You need to stop thinking about proportions because you two are becoming a 'family' after marriage. Add it all to the pot and buy what you can afford with the total. YOU are not buying a TV or a couch or a computer - both of you are buying it out of the combined savings in your combined pot. If you can't think that way, then you're not ready for the legal and financial AND emotional (WE are a family unit working together for OUR best interests) commitments of marriage.

[Pirouette]

That's what I like in a woman.

 

Please note, I never said that my fiancee should be self-supporting either. As I said, I will buy things for us, for her, will treat her and will never ask her for the money back or ask her to contribute.

 

I believe I could be making more money than my boyfriend if and when we get married. I am totally prepared to pay more of the mortgage and bills than he. I want us to both have the same quality of life and to have the same discretionary income. I would hate to have to ask him for every little extra thing while he could spend his money however he pleased because that does not put us on equal footing. And the fact that he could deny me something, just because he felt like it, does not feel right. You buying her things would be like an act of indulgence and charity because you hold all the extra funds, which also isn't right.

 

In marriage I want that equality regardless of what we make. If my boyfriend were to think like you do, I would be seriously concerned about our conflicting views and values.

[sb129]

It's not about money, it's about the attitude

.

 

This is so true.

 

While I agree in theory with the "proportionality" idea (ie, you both pay the same proportion of your salary towards bills) in practice, this can be difficult to uphold, especially if you are married without a prenup.

 

I have been temporarily supported by my fiance, and I hated it, but it was my pride that was the problem, not him begrudging me the money. Historically I have always earned more than my BFs so it was hard for me to get used to.

 

Right now, we are saving to buy our own house to live in after we get married. We both earn roughly the same salary, but I only work four days a week.

 

Our financial arrangement is that he pays the rent and puts a certain amount into a savings account, and I match the same amount plus what he paid in rent and put that into another savings account. After that, we are responsible for our individual credit card/ student loan debts, and we both have a monthly "allowance" (ie what is left over) which we can spend how we want.

 

Because I work only four days a week, I do a little more housework, but when he is off on school holidays, he does more.

 

We had our first fight about money last night (silly really it was over a restaurant bill) and we both agreed that we don't want to fight about money again.

 

We have discussed what we will do after we get married, because due to changes in our job situations, i will most likely earn significantly more than he will.

He wants to have a joint account from which all bills and the mortgage etc are paid from, and we will probably retain our personal accounts for personal expenditure. I am not sure whether we will do the proportion thing or not, we probably will.

 

I don't mind that though. It may be over- romanticising things, but when we get married we are a team, and it will be OUR money.

 

The most important thing to me is that I love him, and want to be with him.

While its important to be aware of it, its also important to me that money isn't a bone of contention. We communicate quite well, so I hope we can iron out any wrinkles.

 

The last thing I am doing is thinking what happens "in the event of a divorce". Ok, maybe thats naieve, but I will always be able to get a good job and support myself whatever happens, so...

[BettyBoop]

I'd say you get to keep 20% of your salary, rest goes to a united account. Same goes for her. It is more fair if you have percentage of your income, because then you contribute equally.

 

However, if you feel this way about money it WILL become an issue in the future.

 

Also, I don't like anybody supporting me and am self-sufficient in that area.

[Ronni_W]

..., she said something along the lines of: "You earn more money than me, you will pay more money into the mortgage.... so that we can buy a more expensive house.

On other occasions, she has said similar things like "you earn more, so you should pay more of the rent, of the bills, etc...."

 

To me, it is her attitude of entitlement, isn't it? Right now, it's around money. But then, her cat is gonna die...is it going to be, "You have more emotional strength...you have to deal with our problem teenager"?

 

It's a built-in cop-out, isn't it? Your brother has more this so... Your company has more that so...

 

I'm kinda thinking it wouldn't even have been an issue if you just automatically ended up contributing more, financially, to the household -- that is so super-normal in any healthy living together arrangement, btw -- but there is something troubling about her attitude.

 

That said, your attitude doesn't give me the warm 'n' fuzzies, either.

 

Is there some weird power struggle for who-knows-what, and it just so happens that money is the focus right now?

Maybe she's "trading" your financial contribution for her emotional contribution? Maybe she's feeling something else is out of whack and trying to "even things out" this way?

 

Have a talk with her. Ask her why she's feeling entitled? Ask her why not just get a house that is 50/50 affordable? Why the need for a "more expensive" house? (Especially if it's not what YOU also want.) What is that gonna prove? Ask her if there's some other area where she feels she's giving "too much"?

[Trialbyfire]

To me, it is her attitude of entitlement, isn't it? Right now, it's around money. But then, her cat is gonna die...is it going to be, "You have more emotional strength...you have to deal with our problem teenager"?

 

It's a built-in cop-out, isn't it? Your brother has more this so... Your company has more that so...

 

I'm kinda thinking it wouldn't even have been an issue if you just automatically ended up contributing more, financially, to the household -- that is so super-normal in any healthy living together arrangement, btw -- but there is something troubling about her attitude.

 

That said, your attitude doesn't give me the warm 'n' fuzzies, either.

 

Is there some weird power struggle for who-knows-what, and it just so happens that money is the focus right now?

Maybe she's "trading" your financial contribution for her emotional contribution? Maybe she's feeling something else is out of whack and trying to "even things out" this way?

 

Have a talk with her. Ask her why she's feeling entitled? Ask her why not just get a house that is 50/50 affordable? Why the need for a "more expensive" house? (Especially if it's not what YOU also want.) What is that gonna prove? Ask her if there's some other area where she feels she's giving "too much"?

I bolded the areas that jumped out at me. Well said.

 

It reminds me of the old standard for some women and even some men. "What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine."

[va bene]

amour, i think you are completely in the wrong. if you were my sister's fiance my dad would have given you an earful

[Storyrider]

Money isn't the only commodity in a marriage.

 

However, I would advise your fiance to have her own savings for her own protection because if one person in a marriage has a "watch my own back" attitude, the other partner had better do the same.

 

I think you are brewing yourself a nice big cup of self-fulfilling prophecy.

[stillafool]

Well what's going to happen when you guys have kids and she wants to quit work and you will have to pay for everything? How do you feel about that?

[writeon]

Amour,

Hi. I'm engaged and I think that marriage is 50/50 everything. It doesn't only include money/ finances/ budget, but also time with the kids, time spent cleaning the house, etc. To me, that is true equality. We both contribute equally to everything. I'd better not expect him to contribute more money because he's a man, and he'd better not expect me to contribute more house-cleaning "duties" or whatever because I'm a woman.

 

I make more than twice what my fiance makes (we both have very good jobs -- I'm an attorney and he's a bank manager). But our salaries don't even come into the question -- we share all the money and all the bills, half and half. And I have learned that very important in marriage is learning to accept/ love each other for who you are, right now at this very moment, instead of looking at what the other person can contribute financially or in any other way to a relationship.

 

I think the bigger issue here is trying to act like you and your fiancee will remain two separate "people" with two separate "incomes" after you marry. This is one way to look at it, but to me, marriage means that two people become one. Your money is her money, her money is your money, your time is her time, her time is your time, etc. You have to give and take everything equally, or it won't work. (IMO of course, and that of my fiance).

 

I agree with those who have said you don't sound completely ready to get married. (Perhaps your fiancee isn't, either). Are you two in pre-marital counseling? You should figure out how to deal with all of this before you get married, not afterwards. You can do the "two are one" mindset like my fiance do, or the "we are separate financially (or in other ways)" mindset like others on here have suggested... but whatever you decide, you need to decide on it together and both be okay with it. That's the only way marriage will work, IMO. Best wishes.

[Amour77]

Well what's going to happen when you guys have kids and she wants to quit work and you will have to pay for everything? How do you feel about that?

 

I am feeling fine about it.

 

I did not mention that we already have a joint account from which we pay all the bills, rent, food, etc.... We contribute equally to that account, and we keep our own personal accounts as well. It is not unusual for each of us to use personal money for the benefit of the two of us (on top of the joint money).

 

Thank you for your replies.