How do the chances of future reconciliation fair?

[femmdevil]

Hey:

Do you think we might reunite at some point? Here's the situation:

 

My ex and I started up 8 months ago and in the beginning, things were pretty great. We were in love: very good friends and lovers. After 3.5 months, my father died in a terrible accident and I never got to say goodbye. I always wanted to fully express myself to my dad, but never did. I was devastated and highly emotional. When this happened, I was also just graduating college and trying to find work in a highly competitive industry. After dad died I found myself unemployed, depressed, and my relationship with my mom was strained. Don't have a barrage of friends, so I ended up leaning on boyfriend a lot.

 

We still loved each other and had many good experiences despite my circumstances. He was really there for me for awhile, but 2 months later he started withdrawing. He did this because I was hitting rock bottom and lost self-sustainability as my life downward-spiraled for awhile. Once he began withdrawing, I became more insecure and needy. We had fights. I really wanted to talk and see if we could come up with a strategy while things were hard. He never seemed to have time. His life got a lot busier with work changes, finances, and things having been put off. After weeks of him being quite withdrawn, with moments of meanness, he broke up with me nearly a week ago.

 

He said he needs to get his life back on track, and he feels like he's out of control. He said he couldn't take care of me because he cannot take care of himself. He also said it was really bad timing that this happened while we were building our foundation.

He said being that he sees me as such a caring and amazing person, he doesn't see why it couldnt work at some other time. However, he also said since he has only been in 3 relationships at age 34, he might want to have a couple more before deciding on "the one." He said he expecteed we would be friends and see each other semi-regularly. He was mostly sweet, affectionate, and resolute before I left... but he also made a few mean or vindictive statements which I ignored.

 

The next night he sent me a text message with a simple "" sad face. So I sent him one back. Nothing more after 2 days. Right now, I feel like I want he and I to get our separate lives back on track, and eventually reunite with him. Is that ridiculous, unrealistic, possible or potential?? In the meantime, I am starting therapy, seeing friends, writing, and going to the gym.

I appreciate your input.

[ClareH]

Hi Aggro

 

Im really sorry to hear about your dad and now the loss of your relationship.

 

I am going through exactly the same at the moment!(see his actions are different to his words) I suffered from depression during my relationship and my insecurities and temper used to flare very regularly. I have spent 8 weeks researching and looking at every e-book and forum on the net.

 

The general idea in every one is No Contact. Do not ring them, text them or try and bump into them for at least 1 month. In this time you are supposed to better yourself and become a stronger person. I think you sound like you are already doing this!Unfortunatly i feel no better today than i did 8 weeks ago when he left as i constantly keep thinking about him/fantasising a reunion. Hopefully therapy will help me with this.

 

I think anything is possible regarding your ex, many people say if they truely love you they come back. In our case i think the only way to win them back is to stop leaning on them emotionally. Once they see that you dont need them, and only want them, maybe that is what will make them change their mind?

 

.x.

[kitkat289]

ClareH is very true.Few days ago me and my ex just seemed like normal gf-bf and once while i asked him how his friend's relationship with his ex was before they reunited.."were they still friends?" and to this he said "No....they were like us...friends cum gf-bf"

It made me feel soo much better.In all those past 4 months I really wanted to hear 'something' from his mouth except the negative things which he would often say so that I detach myself from him.But now I saw he was saying something postivie when I had LEAST expected.Eveytime we talked about those days and the wonderful moments I felt afraid in some minutes thinking that now after all this talk he would add a negative line like "I wish it never happened" or "I will always love you wherever Iam,I will still care...." blah blah.

He doesnt know how much these lines hurt me as they tell me that my ex could say all the things in the world except giving me a hope.He only told me that sometimes he could think of getting back, when I had completely STOPPED treating him like my beloved or saying things like I missed him.I never even ask him as to why he didnt pick up my calls or why he cut my call one day( I just assumed that he is at elder his bro's place and I know he cannot talk to me when he is there).

 

What I mean to say is that after seeing for 4 months that there is nothing that can make him miss me like I did, my last ray of hope which just never died had to diminish.And when that happened, I had to step back...also I made myself face it when his phone was engaged for 1 or more hours,he told me he was talking a phone friend,made me wait for soo long for this 'new' friend in his life.I still kept on clinging but after I saw this happening for 2-3 days I had to learn that now he has someone more interesting in life.I had to step back.It did me good and I havent called him in 2 days now.I saw that he had visited my profile page on a social networking forum and that's a good sign probably.

Also now I feel these insecurities are nothing in front of those things that he told me few days ago when he was drunk.He made me feel how much he was still so much into me.Now whenever I had this urge to call him or to see if his phone is busy,I tell myself that not other girl doesnt matter how much interesting,fun she is can take him away from me.And at the end if he loves me, he would get out of that too and come back looking for me.

 

I must say that LS has been a great gift that I've got in my l ife at such a critical stage when I can make or break things.Just two days ago I was fighting with myself to STOPP dialiing his number.Yesterday I was on LS and time just flew by.I felt great that I could escape those 4 hours(peak time of my urge) by reading more wonderful stuff in the night and getting wiser.

[lovesparis]

honestly, i don't think he's the right one for you. he couldn't support you when you needed it. he couldn't give you anything; and i understand that you were being "difficult" and putting everything on to him. but he didn't set boundaries with you; true love is not being walked on, it's knowing when to say no.

 

that being said, let me share my story with you.

 

i was dating a guy for probably a year and a half, when my brohter suddenly died. for 2 days after, he didn't call me. he didn't ask me if i needed anything. he showed up at my house the 2nd evening, without calling, and i had already made plans to drink myself stupid with a friend to DD me. bf was mad that i didn't ask him to take me out. i said my friend called me and checked up on me and asked me what i needed. if you would have bothered to do that, i would have told you.

 

the next morning was thanksgiving. i was hungover badly.

i called bf. he came over and made me toast. then told me he was leaving to go to his fam's t-giving, and was i coming as planned. i told him no, i was not. i needed to be with MY family. he huffed and puffed.

 

the following sept, i broke up with him. i was finally tired of his antics. a week later, my father died suddenly. i was torn up, i didn't know what to do. it was all happening all over again. i called now ex bf. i didn't know who else to call. i was ready to forgive him for everything and get back tog with him if he would be able to support me. he came over along with another friend of mine. they sat at my kitchen table and left me to stand. it wasn't until my friend realized i was the only one standing, that she offered to stand up, and hten he did too. my behavior became that of a 4 year old. i needed someone to tell me when to eat and when to shower and when to get dressed. my level of functioning was in the toilet.

 

that night, bf was in bed with me, i was telling him about how i found my father, and what i was thinking and it was like i was telling him abou the movie i was watching in my head. the next thing i knew, he was snoring. he fell asleep! i couldn't sleep to save my life, and he couldn't stay awake for anything.

 

my point in telling you this story, is that your friends, especially your close ones, show you their true colors when something bad happens. fact of the matter is, your bf couldn't give you support/coudn't tell you "no, this part isn't my job. you have to do this part on your own. i'll walk with you, but you have to do the work" (the healing)...

 

i am so sorry for your compounded losses. i know you love him, and i know you feel lost without your support system, but he's not the one for you. if you would allow yourself to be taken care of by him and not take care of yourself (which i also did with a friend, not a bf) it will come back to bite you. take all the time you need to heal and to grieve. work on your R with your mom. but own your own healing, don't let someone else be responsible for it. i wish you luck on your journey.

[femmdevil]

First off- Hey Clare, thanks. I remember in the past the period after 2 months or so- it's a loneliness and follow-up depression stage. I wish you the best and I do recommend therapy with someone who offers feedback as well as listens! Also, classes at the gym have helped. I think meeting new, quality guys for friends (but not to date yet) may be helpful, too. Also, LOVESPARIS's response is really on. I think she is likely right in both of our cases.

 

Kitkat- it seems like your case is particularly complex. I would stay away from him as much as you can. New phone friend means you should really focus on yourself and moving on. You're better than that. Invest time in bettering yourself and your health, and he will eventually seem like the fast-food of the male pool.

 

Lovesparis- wow. You are my hero. What an amazingly resiliant person you must be. Your story really resonates with mine. My ex also fell asleep one time when I was talking about my dad. Another time, just asfter I talked about him, I spilled some water on his desk and he got pissed off at me! By the end of it, he was completely desensitized to my crying or grief. Even annoyed at times.

 

One thing I love to do is make a list of all of the negative attributes of exs. Not being able to deal with hard times is a big one. I wanted to set boundaries. I kept insisting that we have a civil sit-down talk and establish some for each other. SOMEHOW, he evaded this talk because I think he disregards the power of communication and setting goals.

 

Well who the F needs it? In his future relationships, he'd better hope there never comes difficult times that require some strategy. We must nurture our relationships. At many stages, they are jobs in themselves.

Thanks so much and I'll be in touch!!!

[lovesparis]

aggro,

i'm glad that my words sit well with you.