Why does my Mom insult me in front of others?

[DaisyBelle]

Hi everyone,

 

With the holidays approaching, I'm once again faced with this problem:

 

I'm 35 and live in a different state than my Mom, but do attend family gatherings for the holidays. For some reason, whenever my Mom and I are around a group of people, she insults me or brings up something negative about me in conversation. I have the impression she wants other people to laugh at what she's saying about me, but in fact the opposite happens: more than once, I've had people approach me and ask why my Mom is so mean to me.

 

This happens whenever we are in a group setting: in line at the grocery store, at a family party, or even when there is just one other person/family member present besides us two. When we are one on one, she doesn't do this at all.

 

I have repeatedly spoken to her about this and explained how much it hurts me that she says cruel and insensitive things about me when others are around. She claims to understand my feelings but then will do it again. I have - without exaggeration - had this conversation with her repeatedly for almost ten years, so either she isn't really getting it or she doesn't want to get it.

 

Why is she doing this? I'm at wit's end and this has to stop. What do I do to make it stop? I've explained it, limited my contact with her, and now have no idea what else to do.

 

Thanks,

Daisy

[Meaplus3]

Hi everyone,

 

With the holidays approaching, I'm once again faced with this problem:

 

I'm 35 and live in a different state than my Mom, but do attend family gatherings for the holidays. For some reason, whenever my Mom and I are around a group of people, she insults me or brings up something negative about me in conversation. I have the impression she wants other people to laugh at what she's saying about me, but in fact the opposite happens: more than once, I've had people approach me and ask why my Mom is so mean to me.

 

This happens whenever we are in a group setting: in line at the grocery store, at a family party, or even when there is just one other person/family member present besides us two. When we are one on one, she doesn't do this at all.

 

I have repeatedly spoken to her about this and explained how much it hurts me that she says cruel and insensitive things about me when others are around. She claims to understand my feelings but then will do it again. I have - without exaggeration - had this conversation with her repeatedly for almost ten years, so either she isn't really getting it or she doesn't want to get it.

 

Why is she doing this? I'm at wit's end and this has to stop. What do I do to make it stop? I've explained it, limited my contact with her, and now have no idea what else to do.

 

Thanks,

Daisy

 

 

I understand just where you are coming from because I have seen it happen many time's to close girl friend's of mine. IMOP it's a combo of two thing's. Control and the way she views' herself. Any one who put's another down is clearly not happy with themself. It's a way for her to have the lime light so to speak, by making you look smaller than an ant. If I were you I would talk with your mom about it. You do NOT deserve to be insulted by anyone and mostly not by your mom!

 

AP:)

[justpassingthrough]

Wow. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It must be rough.

 

Here's my POV: We can't control what other people do but we can control how we react to what other people do.

 

I won't venture a guess about why your mother does what she does - she may not even know why she does it. What's important is that she continues to do it and how it makes you feel.

 

Let me ask you this: How DO you react?

 

Is it ... 1.)

 

Mom: Johnny wet the bed until he was 17!

Johnny: Gosh, mom, that was when I was 17. Shuck whiz, I'm 35. Er.

 

Or, 2.)

 

Mom: Johnny wet the bed until he was 17!

Johnny: <silence>

 

Or, 3.)

 

Mom: Johnny wet the bed until he was 17!

Johnny: Yep, Mom's right, I did wet the bed until I was 17 when I had a bladder transplant and got one that worked the way they're supposed to.

 

Get my drift? Put it back on mom, right where it belongs. Take whatever negative or insult she comes up with and turn it around. Paint yourself in a glowing light and make mom look like the brute she's being.

 

No offense, but moms aren't supposed to do that. You and I know it, and so does your mom. I kindof have to wonder if your mom hasn't done this your whole life and it's only been the past ten years that you've either noticed it, noticed other parents don't treat their children that way, or that it's really come to bother you. I think there's a point in everyone's life where, in some way, we all have to pretty much stand up and tell our parents we're an adult and let them know that, because we view ourselves that way, they should too. I actually had to say the words "I'm an adult, married woman and I'll make my own decisions, right or wrong" to my father. It was a defining moment in our relationship and it really did force him to start treating me like the adult I was. It also formed a tighter bond than we'd ever had. Just some food for thought, there.

 

Let us know what you do and how it works out, okay?

[popey]

first, i feel for you too. that is bs. next, I think Justpassingthrough gave really good advice. She's being a bully. Bully's tend to back down when taken on. Someone of real strength would not keep doing that after it was pointed out as hurtful. Unfortunately, it forces you to take on a very confrontational relationship with someone that you should enjoy a team/supportive relationship with, but under the current positioning, it seems that's just not going to happen. I hope it works out for you.

[quankanne]

I used to hang out with a girl like that in college, and basically she did that because she was insecure. So she decided that being an attention whore would make things better, but it didn't. Though it's decidedly worse when it's a family member ...

 

you've got a couple of options here (and thank goodness your friends see through her behavior!), and ignoring her might be the kindest thing to do even as it kills you. Or you can very loudly say something like, "Bless your heart, mama! Why would you want to bring up something like bedwetting when I conquored that problem so long ago?" Or just pat her hand and give her a pitying look every time she does it – the negative reinforcement just might make her realize she's just making a spectacle of herself, not making herself look good.

 

or you can flat-out tell her, "that was rude. And we both know you're a much better person than that," using shame or guilt to curb her behavior.

[kkthxbye]

Perhaps your mom and mine are from the same era and line of thinking? She did this to me for a very long time. And it hurts, in ways you can't imagine, in places it shouldn't, and it aches for a very long time.

 

Some people don't even realize this is a very bad thing. For instance, Mum does this to my lesbian sister, in front of hundreds at the family reunion, and my sister just smiles like my mother is praising her. I can't get my sister to understand that mum shouldn't say these things, and her reply is always the same, "mum is just mum. I don't care what she says, is it even that bad?" Wool + eyes = RAWR!

 

So, the fact that you see what she's doing is step one. Step two and three maybe different for each individual.

 

I tried everything, most of those up there in the replies I have tried. I agree with the reply about insecurity. And when mum gets that word thrown in her face, she makes sure the entire reunion hears her flame me back down. She is a big bully! And unfortunately I wasn't clever to think of really great come backs to win the situation into my favor. I had the dumbstruck look "did that just happen to me?" for about an hour or so.

 

I had to finally stop going to the family gatherings. Now I'm the black sheep, and I'm happy. My mom gets a card on her birthday and mother's day, and that's all she gets. And she never asked me why. SHE KNOWS. She's smart enough to be cruel, she's smart enough to get my obvious point.

 

So, try those things everyone suggested. Make it fun. Just don't wait around for the games to begin, try to enjoy yourself, and pretend she's one of those friends who opens mouth and inserts foot-and make sure she eats her words. Telling her how you feel, is for your benefit. It won't change them, it could....but unlikely. So, say them FOR YOU only. To clear yourself up, for you you you. Then move on.

 

The last time I really spent a family gathering with my mom was during thanksgiving years ago. I was married, and going through a divorce, and found out I was pregnant, but having a miscarriage. Actually, it was an ectopic pregnancy and after a rupture of my tube, I began internally bleeding. None of us knew this, all I knew was horrid pain and wanted anything to feel better. Mom puts me in a spare bedroom and closes the door. I hear from the other side to her friends and my cousins, "Oh she's having a miscarriage, don't mind her moaning. She's fine. She went and got herself knocked up then dumped her husband, probably deserves it."

 

Boy was I pi$$ed when I came out of my emergency surgery, and heard my doctor telling my mom I shouldn't even be alive right now. Had I had the strength, I believe I would have punched the woman for sheer enjoyment. Hormones are wonderful!! However, the long journey ahead would be worth the second life I was given, and of course forgiving Mum and her bully ways had to be part of it. Someday hopefully you can look back at your mom with new eyes, and smile. Because YOU get it, and thats all that will matter on that day.

[DaisyBelle]

Thank you, Answerplease37, Justpassing, Popey, Quankanne, and Kkthx. Your time and thoughts are both appreciated and very helpful.

[Green]

just glad to help