wife has moved out and is getting close to man she found on the internet!!

[sadhubby]

my wife moved out thanksgiving day .she says im to controlling i handle all the bills ,she spends to much and i get upset about it.she says she nevr knows when ill go off wich is strange seing how i dont yell i just complain about it.anyway she has been chating online to a guy who lives 6 hours away and hes real nice to her etc.we both work and sometimes we just drift apart at home like ie she watches a movie i do bills or play computer.i make the majority of the money she doesnt so that has been an issue but these are some of things she is saying to me .she wants to do what she wants to do ie moving out .she is happy cus she can hang things up the way she likes them in her apt.its non of my buisness if she talks with this guy.if she were to be with him and she had a change of heart later it would be my problem if i felt she was tainted? she wants to file legal seperation becuase after year if we dont contest it in ny its no fualt divorce .she is not sure how she will feel in time .i asked her for counseling she said ill think about it.she has told me its over she doesnt love me anymore etc. 8yrs weve been together i love her but this guy is about to ruin our marriage he is also goin through divorce and im sure is loney and just filling her head full of garbage .they have met once he came down they did not sleep toghethr bluntley she was on that time of month and i confronted him i know who he is so to speak.im afraid the next time she will do it they talk on the phone alot acording to my step duaghter.im on the phone with the paralegal for divorce papers but im lost .i want to try untill the bitter end she after all is my love .when i asked her if she wanted a divorce she said yes then said if thats your last way of controlling me go ahead. i married her when she was 21 she is 29 now im 35 and i rasied her dughter as my own since she was 1 in half help!! before its to late i think serving her with papers is the only way to jerk her chain i feel like a fish and she has two of us on the line me and him...

[LostHusband]

Wow that sounds just like what is happening with my wife. She has uncontrollable spending habits, she doesn't do hardly any housework, leaves her clothes laying around. If I complain then I am the bad guy and she yells at me. We have grown apart, I like to play on the computer she likes to lay on the couch watching tv. I kind of liked it that way - we each had our own space and I was pretty comfortable with the way things were. I never thought it meant things were going sour between us, I just thought we had gotten use to each other - but I also thought we were both in love with each other so I felt good about it. She's leaving me too - so join the club. She also has been chatting with another guy. Honestly, if she were happy - your wife or mine - they wouldn't need to go off and try to find somebody else. It's like my wife has just got bored with her married life, she's unhappy and she's married to me - so she blames her unhappiness on being married to me. Don't know if she will ever come around, but signs are looking very bad that she would, especially with her still living here with me - seems like she has less and less feelings for me each day. She loves me but not in love with me - you know the drill. I don't know what to tell you man, I myself am seeking advice on here, just know that others are going through something similar and feel equally lost.

[sadhubby]

yes exactley she stoped doin any kinda house work and she infacts she say she hates this house and wanted to move long ago we first couldnt leave the state becuase of custody crap and now the paternal father has left the state we can move but the house was up for sale she just had no patience and when i told her it was to try and make some cash to move she say thats what its all about with you the money??? she say i just dug in here harder like i wanted to stay no?? we were gona move to colorado wher my family is well guess what i told her the house is gona sit empty and im leavin jan 3rd the realotor is gona do the lock box thing. and yeah i dscounted the house to sell so i just have enough to pay of my credit cards .on the other hand she has goton cards in her own name behind my back shes in like 5 grand debt. wich i neednt worry about in ny debts aquired in ones name are those persons responsibilty thank god.i just cant beleive she is being so unresponsive at this point im thinking she is likeing all the attention from me and the other guy.wich he will just get a booty call and move on .nice to end a marriage to someo who loves you for that?

[devastated402]

Wow you guys....... I cant believe this is this common. The whole "i love you but im not in love with you anymore" thing seemed so cliche to me when it was my turn to hear it. I seriously hope theres hope for us. Good luck fellas.

[bestadvisor]

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" means.... I am seeing someone else right now, but I will not tell you about it and if asked, I will lie. That's most of the time, but once in a while, they will tell you that they met someone else.

[Trimmer]

if she were to be with him and she had a change of heart later it would be my problem if i felt she was tainted?

Actually, no, it wouldn't be your problem. It would be her problem because by then you will have moved on, and you will eventually see that you can be whole and fulfilled without her. I know that doesn't seem possible now, but trust me, I've been through it, and I'm coming out the other side.

 

she wants to file legal seperation becuase after year if we dont contest it in ny its no fualt divorce .she is not sure how she will feel in time.... she has told me its over she doesnt love me anymore etc.

So bottom line, she wants a divorce then, and she perceives that the legal separation is just an "easy" way to coast into that?

 

8yrs weve been together i love her but this guy is about to ruin our marriage...

You know, I would give your wife more credit for her actions than that. She is the one who is choosing to walk away. I wished and wished that my wife was in a fog outside her control, and that she would get hit on the head while walking under a coconut tree and suddenly say "Oh my gosh, what am I doing? I really want to work on my marriage!" but in the end it was important for me to realize that it wasn't about the fog of the "other guy filling her head..." but that she simply decided that she didn't want to be with me any more.

 

he is also goin through divorce and im sure is loney and just filling her head full of garbage .they have met once he came down they did not sleep toghethr bluntley she was on that time of month and i confronted him i know who he is so to speak.im afraid the next time she will do it they talk on the phone alot acording to my step duaghter.

 

im on the phone with the paralegal for divorce papers but im lost .i want to try untill the bitter end she after all is my love.

Ask yourself, though: are you her love any more?

 

when i asked her if she wanted a divorce she said yes then said if thats your last way of controlling me go ahead.

I don't know, maybe you are a controlling guy, maybe not; I can't tell from your post. But for her to turn this around and say that it's controlling for you to file a divorce that she initiated is a little twisted. It's fairly common for a wayward spouse to deflect blame and redirect it back onto you in a situation like this.

 

If she mentions that with respect to you filing for divorce again, tell her "No, dear, I won't try to control your life any more, but I am definitely controlling mine from now on." And leave it at that.

 

before its to late i think serving her with papers is the only way to jerk her chain i feel like a fish and she has two of us on the line me and him...

Somehow I'm in a "take no prisoners" mood tonight. I'm a very different person than I was 2 years ago when I was in a marital situation very similar to yours. I would have done anything to get her back.

 

Now, I feel like infidelity is an almost complete deal breaker, and the starting point for any further discussion is a set of signed divorce papers.

 

Serve her the papers. If it "wakes her up", then great (although I wouldn't hold out much hope.) On the other hand, if she stays with the other guy, it's because she chooses that path, not because you drove her there by starting the divorce. The papers will just clarify whatever tendency she already leans toward. If she's going to leave, she's going to leave. Might as well figure it out sooner and get on with the job of healing yourself, becoming a whole person again, and deciding what positive things you want to do with the rest of your life.

[LakesideDream]

SadHubby, You are not alone friend. Walk Away Wives are all the rage in the 21st Century. I don't know the answer, or even if there is an answer. Change a detail here or there and your story is mine, and true as well for dozens of other guys here on LS.

 

There's nothing you can do to stop her from getting a divorce. If her ideas of a "no fault" suit your needs, go that way. Putting road blocks in the way probably won't help in the long run.

 

If she goes with the "other guy" and you can't live with the images in your brain from her liasons with him it's not your problem. You didn't create the situation, you are not responsible.

 

Trying until the "bitter end" will result in just that, you will become bitter. I know, I ain't been so sugarry the last seven years or so myself. There is a chance that serving her with divorce papers will make her think about her actions, it may also cause her to relent. Without major changes those courthouse steps conversions seldom last long.

 

SadHubby, you need to come to grips with the reality that you don't have a signifigant say in what's going to happen from here on out. The "system" doesen't favor men these days. It's all about equality, if a person wants out of a relationship they are out.

[LakesideDream]

SadHubby, You are not alone friend. Walk Away Wives are all the rage in the 21st Century. I don't know the answer, or even if there is an answer. Change a detail here or there and your story is mine, and true as well for dozens of other guys here on LS.

 

There's nothing you can do to stop her from getting a divorce. If her ideas of a "no fault" suit your needs, go that way. Putting road blocks in the way probably won't help in the long run.

 

If she goes with the "other guy" and you can't live with the images in your brain from her liasons with him it's not your problem. You didn't create the situation, you are not responsible.

 

Trying until the "bitter end" will result in just that, you will become bitter. I know, I ain't been so sugarry the last seven years or so myself. There is a chance that serving her with divorce papers will make her think about her actions, it may also cause her to relent. Without major changes those courthouse steps conversions seldom last long.

 

SadHubby, you need to come to grips with the reality that you don't have a signifigant say in what's going to happen from here on out. The "system" doesen't favor men these days. It's all about equality, if a person wants out of a relationship they are out.

[sadhubby]

thanks guys you are helping me out i know in the back of my heart that this is it. she wants it that way.at least for now once this realationship she starts turns for the worst im sure ill get the im sorry i screwed up phone calls and i say this becuase i was good to this women.it is her problem she has cheated before i confirmed it finally last night the guys brother told me it went on for sometime .she told me they only made out once when she was drunk i never really beleived it .but three years later here we are again and there have been issues with contacting an old boyfreind wich i was told she just didnt know how to handle that situation.my wifes issue is her self esteem shes kinda pudgy but not homely and soon as some guy pays attention to her and she feels im not she goes for them.you guys are right it really is her not me ive been feeling this way but she has made me feel all to blame well the papers are filed and im moving back home in jan to colorado from ny. the house is up for sale and priced so cheap it wont last long at this point i just want to pay of my debt and start over.

[Owl]

Sadhubby-

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My wife met someone online, and was all set to move out and go live with him when I caught them in their online emotional affair.

 

Its not hopeless. It IS going to be a hard fight to recover your marriage for several reasons, but it can be done.

 

First off, you need to try to get a handle on meeting what emotional needs you can. There are several good books that you might get and read that can help you get a handle on things..."Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs, Her Needs" are a very good start. This can help you figure out what things would make her feel most loved...and find ways to help you start meeting those things. It'll be harder since she's out living on her own, but it can be done.

 

Second...you need to get allies in your fight to get the affair ended. You need to go talk with her family, your family, and any friends of either of you that you know would help her to see what she's doing, and would eventually help her to end the affair. When you go to them, make sure that the message you're giving is that you love your wife, that your fighting to save your marriage, and that you're asking for their help to end the affair.

 

You mention that she's cheated before. VERY VERY bad sign. Either she's an extremely self-centered individual, or she's been checked out of the marriage emotionally for a long time. Either of these make recovery much more difficult.

 

How long have you been married? Known each other? Do you have kids?

 

 

These are factors in recovery.

 

Last two things. For some encouragement, look for my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ We're now three years plus into recovery.

 

Last thing...please try to use punctuation. It makes reading your story a LOT easier, and it'll make advice easier to give.

 

Don't give up yet.

[sadhubby]

we have been together for 8yrs .she had a child when i met her.that was a year and a half old.ive raised her like my own. im sorry for the run on sentences but my head is kinda pfft right now. she came buy tonight and she cut off her hair she had really long hair but now its shoulder lenght.she made like she needed to grab a few things but i think she was wanting me to comment on her hair wich i did it looked great i just wanted to hold her.she came over last night too. and we talked for ahwile i told her its not to late and i would really like a chance at working on things and i got the whole im just happy right now ,im not feeling that way towards you .and if in time i change my feelings and you are gone i guess ill just have to deal with it.i dont want to impower her more with ill wait on you forever talk ,so i just responded with i guess ill just accept it then .im just lost that was the next thing i was gonna do was talk to her freinds but she was having a cow about involving them in our personal buisness.i really feel like she moved out so she could do what she is doin and she knows ill take her back .but do i really want to be with someone who just wants to sleep with other peopl and then come back to me i feel its heading that way.she says that they are freinds and that ther not making out or anything like that but she lied about the whole firts round of cheating so i dont know anymore..

[LakesideDream]

Sadhubby, you seem to have considered and made the choice to be the martyr, on some level you must enjoy what's happening to you.

 

She's made her decision. She's out there having a great time experiancing new people and new things, enjoying what new lovers feel. You are whimpering through it all .... stop.

[jesslindy]

SadHubby,

 

Dude, I am so sorry to hear your story. It hurts, I know. But you have got to realize this for what it is.

 

Im sorry to say you have very little, if nothing at all, any say in what your marraige will end up like. The only thing you can do is create the reality in this situation. Your wife is cheating on you. So many of us have been there. All you can do is learn, read, grow, listen, feel, and create the reality.

 

Don't wait as long as some of us have. If you get a lawyer and file for divorce right now, ask yourself what have you got to lose? The answer is nothing. She is going to do what she is going to do, and you can do nothing. I know your feeling of helplessness is unbearable. Because thats what you are, your helpless. And its ok. You can always take comfort in the fact that you do not have a choice.

 

Get a lawyer, file for divorce, demand not to be disrespected, show her you do not need her, and that is your only shot. Everyday you let her disrespect you, you lose another chunck of yourself. Do not let this woman control you, because right now that is what she is doing. It is her form of control over you. She feels in the back of her brain that you will take her back, and as long as she feels that she will continue.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start your path to self-healing. I know easier said than done, but the earlier you start, the faster you will start to feel better.

 

Now if she decides to work it out somewhere in the future and you are still around, theres the kicker. It takes two very special people to get over cheating. The cheater and the affected have to be very strong-willed and non-tempermental. You can read my threads and see what I mean.

 

Right now your chances are zero. Break up the affair and they rise just slightly. But if you think you can do it, Godspeed. You will get lots of help from here.

[sadhubby]

well i relized why she stopped by last night it was show me her new hair cut and and grab her personal hair groomer for down there if ya know what i mean.and yes you guys are right she is controling me ,so i stopped by her work tonight and asked her for a chat wich she said sure.she jumped into my work van and i looked at her and just said you are doin what you are doing and i dont understand it but i just want you to know that you were my princess and the pea and im here to just say goodbye.she said well your not leaving untill jan 15th right and i said no but i know that this guy is coming down and your gonna do what your gonna do so im just saying good bye maybe she doesnt understand it for now,but i do im not goin to take her back when it falls apart for her 3 months from now.im done with it the papers are filed and she is getting served wed.so i hope she has fun with the internet stranger and he is as good to her as i was but i highley doubt it..