Had a visitor today...

[reboot]

The more you say the more I'm convinced.... You let me know if I'm wrong about this, but here's how I see it playing out. She's going to do NC, or more probably LC (with just enough contact to keep you in the wings), long enough to convince her husband it's over. At which point she'll want to resume the A but keep it much more underground.

 

I hope for your sake I'm wrong, but you be sure and come back and let us know how it turns out.

[stampdaddy]

Your relationship with her DOES have a chance...

 

...a <3% chance at best.

 

Which might explain why all the advice I've given to you up to this point is about focusing on taking care of yourself, helping yourself deal with things, and planning things out to move on.

 

The other part of it is this...I don't agree with affairs. I don't agree with all that it took for the affair to go on this long (3 plus years of lies, deception, hiding, etc...).

 

I'm not condemning you. I don't condone your actions, and I hope that you'll take the time to stop and THINK about all that's gone on for so long rather than just sit there in the mire of emotions that you've been in.

 

I've offered you the best advice that I could. I totally understand the pain you're in...hence why I've made suggestions on how to handle it...and how to minimize it.

 

Make sense?

 

YEP, and thanks for your help. I am not mired anymore.. I feel great, actually.. I'll get there

[reboot]

And she's already broken NC once, just enough to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.

[stampdaddy]

The more you say the more I'm convinced.... You let me know if I'm wrong about this, but here's how I see it playing out. She's going to do NC, or more probably LC (with just enough contact to keep you in the wings), long enough to convince her husband it's over. At which point she'll want to resume the A but keep it much more underground.

 

I hope for your sake I'm wrong, but you be sure and come back and let us know how it turns out.

 

Well, you could be right, and it wouldnt suprise me.. Convincing her H that it is over with ME or HIM??

 

Let's see, do I want an even MORE underground A that it turned into after D day?? Um, NO! It felt UGLY then.. We both felt that way. My hope would be that THIS would be the time she finally stepped up tp the plate.. By the way, she told me that she wants to schedule some one-on-one with the counselor so SHE can talk about all of this.. The last and only time she got blasted when she started to say it was over between her and H, that she tried years ago... To ME, this is a good sign of being able to open up

[whichwayisup]

At which point she'll want to resume the A but keep it much more underground

SD has already decided he won't put up with being the OM so if she tries to continue the A, he won't go for it. That would just be wrong in so many ways and he knows this in his heart.

[stampdaddy]

And she's already broken NC once, just enough to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.

 

Listen, I know everybody thinks I should, for lack of a better word, "play games". It's just not me. I'll take my chances of saying, "Look, Love, I'm not going anywhere.. You go take care of yourself, the children... I'll do the same. You know where to find me when you CAN find me.."

 

BUT, that is not to say that you are not correct my good man...

[stampdaddy]

And she's already broken NC once, just enough to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.

 

And like I said yesterday, how could you blame her, it's ME! STAMPDADDY

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

"my body is here, but my heart is with him (me), I LOVE HIM AND I DO NOT LOVE H"

 

That's crap.

 

I haven't read this whole thread but some of your posts.

 

I'm sure she liked having you in her life, you know, like going to the spa, the gym, the ice cream parlor every day, and then home.

 

And suddenly you don't have the spa and the ice cream parlor anymore.

 

So, bummer!

 

She is missing the type of life she had with you, the sex and that kind of stuff.

 

But if she loved you she'd have made a life with you already and not keep you on the side. Pretty obvious really.

 

She just loved having you.

 

Ariadne

[reboot]

If you want her, you don't need to let her think you'll always be there. You need to knock her off the fence.

[reboot]

But if she loved you she'd have made a life with you already and not keep you on the side. Pretty obvious really.

 

She just loved having you.

 

Ariadne

I don't always agree with everything you say, but you hit a homerun here.

[stampdaddy]

If you want her, you don't need to let her think you'll always be there. You need to knock her off the fence.

 

I just don't get it.. Maybe I'm a just a simple man. Seems to me, it would mean more to her that I stood strong.. Maybe I am missing something. I know I dont want to be available to her needs when she needs them WITHOUT doing things on her end, I dont want that, NOT AT ALL.. I will stand strong and pat her on the hiney as I send her back packin', hopefully to get packed...

[reboot]

What you are missing is the very real possibility that she intends to keep you both.

[stampdaddy]

I don't always agree with everything you say, but you hit a homerun here.

 

Again, what am I missing? Why is it so hard to believe that SHE DID HAVE ME. And she DID have a life with me.. A Sh*tload more than with H.. We both, H and I, made it VERY easy for her to keep everything the same.. I mean c'mon.. She didnt have to rock the boat. She didnt have to upturn the childrens lives. She had her cake and ate it too, as you all have said..

 

NOW, things are different, we have been caought, she didnt stop seeing me, until last week, and then saw me again... I have put an end to that and WILL honor NC, so now I wait and see.. I don't get why Ariadne is SO SURE about this and you agree, Boot...

[whichwayisup]

Let's say a year goes by and you are still waiting. And in that year she has told you that she just needs more time to see what happens. How will you feel? Loved? Respected that she has asked you to wait longer? Or will you feel used, fed up, hurt, disappointed, wonder wtf is REALLY going on and start doubting what she is doing.

 

This is why setting a time limit on how long you wait is important. If another 3 years goes by and she knows you're sitting at home waiting for her, she won't come to you. SHE has to feel consquences too! SHE chose to go back home and fix things with her husband so therefore the A is over and there is no "you and her = WE". A "WE" cannot happen until SHE divorces.

[reboot]

I think you have a serious "Sir Galahad" syndrome going on here. "Love conquers all", "ride off into the sunset". This isn't a movie.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

And she DID have a life with me.. A Sh*tload more than with H..

 

Well, she hung with you a lot..

 

NOW, things are different, we have been caought, she didnt stop seeing me, until last week, and then saw me again...

 

She is probably going to try and have the same life she had before. That's pretty obvious too.

 

And if she can't she'll move on with her family and later on get another lover.

 

Her lifestyle is more important than you. That's not love.

 

Ariadne

[stampdaddy]

Let's say a year goes by and you are still waiting. And in that year she has told you that she just needs more time to see what happens. How will you feel? Loved? Respected that she has asked you to wait longer? Or will you feel used, fed up, hurt, disappointed, wonder wtf is REALLY going on and start doubting what she is doing.

 

This is why setting a time limit on how long you wait is important. If another 3 years goes by and she knows you're sitting at home waiting for her, she won't come to you. SHE has to feel consquences too! SHE chose to go back home and fix things with her husband so therefore the A is over and there is no "you and her = WE". A "WE" cannot happen until SHE divorces.

Just so EVERYBODY knows.. There is NO WAY in hell that I am waiting another year.. NO WAY. She has had her time, to reflect, to look, listen, feel, whatever the hell she needed to do.. BUT RIGHT NOW, today, this is what I will do. I can not tell you the exact date that my time will run out, but let's go over a brief calendar, shall we?:

 

• 11 days is Christmas (this will hurt for us ALL)
  
• January - My Bday
  
• January - their Anniversary (now remember, last year her and I were in Florida on this day. He knows this. THOUGHTS?)
  
• February - Her Bday
  
• February - Valentine's Day (a day HE doesnt believe in...)
  
• SPRING....... DONE! Sunshine, yardwork, coaching Baseball, Golf, Daughters spring break, Love is in the air.. DONE, DONE, DONE!!!!

[stampdaddy]

I think you have a serious "Sir Galahad" syndrome going on here. "Love conquers all", "ride off into the sunset". This isn't a movie.

I would agree with you 1 million percent... I have always said that about myself..

• Bridges of Madison County - I sure as hell hope not!
  
• The Notebook - ditto
  
• Dodge Ball - "If you can Dodge a H, you can dodge an A..."
  
• Meet me in St. Louis - already did that
  
• An Affair to Remember - uh, never saw it, but the title is fitting
  
• Jaws - this sh*t is gonna hurt

[stampdaddy]

Well,

 

And she DID have a life with me.. A Sh*tload more than with H..

 

Well, she hung with you a lot..

 

NOW, things are different, we have been caought, she didnt stop seeing me, until last week, and then saw me again...

 

She is probably going to try and have the same life she had before. That's pretty obvious too.

 

And if she can't she'll move on with her family and later on get another lover.

 

Her lifestyle is more important than you. That's not love.

 

Ariadne

 

Respectfully, you admitted to NOT reading the posts, maybe you should before offering such "bland" assesments.. sorry

[Ariadne]

Try and see Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary.

 

Those are good ones too.

 

Ariadne

[Owl]

I don't understand why ANY of those dates you posted would prevent you from setting a date to end things with her if she's still with him. Just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Nor does waiting months.

 

That's just postponing when you have to 'man up' and take action.

 

As far as him knowing she was with you on their anniversary...ok...we get it...he was probably an idiot.

 

That doesn't matter. AT ALL. Stop dwelling on something that doesn't matter.

 

Seriously...do you want to have control of your life again, or do you prefer to live in this situation? Its your call...

[reboot]

You coach baseball? I also did that for a lot of years. Some of the most gut wrenching things I ever saw happened during baseball season. Dads and moms hooking up right under their kids noses. Coaches having to pick up kids for practice and games cause the parents suddenly didn't have time for them. Kids looking for a dad in the stands who no longer showed up. Teammates suddenly becoming step brothers, with all the shame and humiliation that brought. I don't understand what is wrong with people....

[Ms. Red]

Jeeze give SD a break. He's came along way since he showed up on our doorstep asking for help 9 days ago. You can't expect him to do this immediately.

 

I think your doing great SD. I give you a big pat on the back & also send hugs your way.

[stampdaddy]

You coach baseball? I also did that for a lot of years. Some of the most gut wrenching things I ever saw happened during baseball season. Dads and moms hooking up right under their kids noses. Coaches having to pick up kids for practice and games cause the parents suddenly didn't have time for them. Kids looking for a dad in the stands who no longer showed up. Teammates suddenly becoming step brothers, with all the shame and humiliation that brought. I don't understand what is wrong with people....

WHOA! That's out there, my friend.. Simply I coach my sons Baseball Team.. And his Football Team.. While I have seen kids needing a ride, or a Divorced situation where one of the parents wasnt there for a game, I have never seen the "Jerry Springer" version... We had our Football Banquet at a Skate Park lasr night.. Alot of fun. Both me and ExW were there for OUR son...

[Ms. Red]

You coach baseball? I also did that for a lot of years. Some of the most gut wrenching things I ever saw happened during baseball season. Dads and moms hooking up right under their kids noses. Coaches having to pick up kids for practice and games cause the parents suddenly didn't have time for them. Kids looking for a dad in the stands who no longer showed up. Teammates suddenly becoming step brothers, with all the shame and humiliation that brought. I don't understand what is wrong with people....

 

Dayum. No wonder we hear about & see those videos of fights break out between the adults during childrens sports. There's probably underlying anger in their personal lives.