Cant understand what is happening

[confused1]

Hi there....

 

I was with this guy, who was absolutely fab... and who i thought was into me, as much as i was into him. Unfortunately, there was a bit of miscommunication and the whole thing was a "friends with benefits" situation.

 

Now that he has made it clear that he wants his "space" (which for me is pretty hard to deal with, but will give it too him anyway), he has indicated that I am his "best buddy" here in this town. One of the things that I said to him after I had collected my stuff was that if he wanted to see or talk to me that he had to call, text or whatever, because I am not initiating contact with him - at least for a while, as I have to make some attempt to get over him. Incidently i was the one to make all the contact.... Now however, he is constantly messaging me, and making contact.

 

Also, does anyone think it is weird that he wants me to continue pursueing a friendship with his family members? I get along really well with his sister and brother in law, and though they think we are going out together, they are at pains to make clear to me that I am welcome to come and visit them whenever without him if needs be (they live in a different town). I asked him about it, and said that if he wanted his space then that probably should include his family as well. His reply was that they (and his mother) loved me, and that i shouldnt stop a friendship because of him....

 

I am a little confused over it all????? Please help if you can....

[Tony T]

It all sounds logical to me. There is no reason to discontinue your friendships with his family members just because he is asking for space in his friendship with you...after all, you are his best buddy. However, for your sake, part of backing off and healing for yourself should be staying away from not only him but all members of his family.

 

You won't easily get over him if you're visiting his family often. Maybe he doesn't want you getting over him....maybe he wants some of them "benefits" once in a while. Screw him!!! Get over him and go find somebody who wants to be more than just pals...you need romance, lady!!! Leave his family alone.

[Reckless]

Yes it sounds to me as if your friend wants to have his cake and eat it or (as they so charmingly say here in France) ..'the butter and the butter money'

 

He wants absolutely no pressure but also he wants to keep you in his life with possible benefits from time to time (with the 'stock option' of a committed relationship later if he is motivated. This is fine if, and this is the thing, if you are also okay with this. On the good side he may (don't hold your breath) MAY see that the feelings grow and want eventually be exclusive. He may not.

 

Are you willing to see which way he falls? How will your 'healing' go in the meantime? It looks to me as if you want a proper full blown, committed to each other, 'going out' with each other, loving each other relationship. If that's the case, let him know and tell him you need 'space' to find that. Then cut all ties with him and his family. It doesn't have to be forever, but it may have to be until you find what you need.

 

Look at the alternative. Ask yourself if you would be okay if his family mentioned casually one day at dinner that he had fallen head over heels in love with some other women - a 'friend' would rejoice at that. A friend would want to meet her and wish them joy. A 'friend with benefits' would do all of the above and patiently wait to see if they have a break and her services were needed. If you really can fill either those roles and want to fine, keep in touch with him and his family. No one can judge you but if you really want more acting like you don't will only cause you pain. It really doesn't matter what he means by his actions and words, you are not a couple, besides he might not really understand it, but you have to understand what you need and go for it.