Should i delete off facebook?

[SunnyLady]

Hi,

 

I'm not feeling too great today. I went on my ex's facebook page and got a bit upset by a few things. Now I know we are adviced most times to delete our ex's off facebook but I chose not to do so beacuse i felt it may appear childish to him. Also he has contacted me twice since our split and we have interacted about 4 times in total since our split. So things are not as frosty as they would have been had we not been in contact.

 

Also i have to admit, i didnt delete him because i was worried about what he would think. Although i could never reconcile with him (the heartless way he treated me prior to our split) a small part of me wants to leave the door open and i feel that deleting him off my facebook would send signals of my hatred for him to him and give him the impression that I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again. These are the reasons why i left him on. I don't want to shut all doors against him. although i have done so internally if that makes any sense. I don't want him to be discouraged if he ever wanted to rekindle things. Although i would not reconsider a rship with him ever again. I know everyone says move on, let go etc and i am doing all that. I am no longer depressed and i still miss him but life is OK for me.

 

The thing is today i relapsed after seeing some things on his page. I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Seeing thoes things brought back anger and tears. He started casually seeing someone so quickly after we split. THAT kills me. He says there are no obligations and commitments and he didnt leave me to give someone what he coudnt provide me with, this was his justification for his quick involvment with this woman.

 

I don't know if to delete him from facebook. We split 3 months ago. A part of me wants to, but another part doesnt want. I don't want to appear like i hate him even though to an extent i do for the hurt he caused me. I just wish i could do something to hurt him. If i delete him from facebook i know ill be doing so for the wrong motives---to get a reaction from him. I don't know what to do. Should i delete him knowing it will send out a signal that i hate him? Or will deleteing him enable me move on fully and also restore my image and perhaps make him feel bad about his actions? I am just worried about what signals i will be sending if i delete him. I know you will say its all about ME, i accpt that. But truth is right now i need to do it for him too. He is on my mind and i can't make a deciosn without taking him into account cos i don't want to wake up tomorrow regreting my actions.

 

Help me please...I don't think I'm thinking straight.

[BalancenLuv20]

Do it...who cares what he thinks? Think about it, is it going to do you any good snooping around on his page reading what his friends and possibly interested members of the opposite sex say to him? No, it is going to make you feel like crap. My ex had a facebook and myspace along with her new bf and I was stupid enough to want to know what they were writing each other. It got worse each time. The "I love you's" and then a picture of them kissing. It was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life. Don't put yourself through all that unnecessary drama like I did. I don't even think my ex even noticed when I deleted her from it. And if he asks, just tell him you're trying to move on with your life and that looking at his facebook page just brings back memories that make you feel bad.

[SunnyLady]

Do it...who cares what he thinks? Think about it, is it going to do you any good snooping around on his page reading what his friends and possibly interested members of the opposite sex say to him? No, it is going to make you feel like crap. My ex had a facebook and myspace along with her new bf and I was stupid enough to want to know what they were writing each other. It got worse each time. The "I love you's" and then a picture of them kissing. It was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life. Don't put yourself through all that unnecessary drama like I did. I don't even think my ex even noticed when I deleted her from it. And if he asks, just tell him you're trying to move on with your life and that looking at his facebook page just brings back memories that make you feel bad.

 

Thanks :-).

 

It must have been awful seeing thoes pics. The thing that baffles me most is that I am aware of all these factors, I know I am doing myself no good by viewing his facebook page. The thing is i know he will never put up pics of them kissing cos they are not in a relationship, just casually seeing each other, but the truth is it still hurts just as much. They may be casual but he is occupied and he is havig his fun-eating his cake and having it.

 

I know people say i shouldnt care about what he thinks, but i seem unable to divorce him from my thoughts. I know that if i delete him i will constantly beat myself about what he is thinking ESPECIALLY if I get no response from him. I guess I'm in need of an objective view of what he may perecieve from my actions. I know I sound pathetic but the nature of our rship is tricky ; He is my ex and probably the worst horrible but we have spoken a few times after we split so he might wonder what prompted my actions. Why i didnt delete him earlier on. . . why now. I guess I'm just worried about what impact my actions will have before proceeding with that course of action.

[heartoutside]

I would say do it when you are ready. But just so you know that as long as that temptation is there you will look at his page and it will set you back everytime! EVERYTIME! I finally deleted my ex about 2 months ago from facebook and myspace, and it was because I got to a point where i knew that as long as I keep her on myspace/facebook, I'd never be able to heal. She flipped out when she discovered that I had deleted her, but she got over it so to speak....you need to do what is right for you. Everything else will just fall into place. If you think your relationship with him will totally fall apart because you deleted him from facebook I would question that. I'm not sure how long you guys dated, but I know that my ex and I dated long before myspace and facebook and we did just fine without it....

 

man someone really needs to write a book on the psychological impact of myspace and facebook.

[SmileyFace82]

Hey SunnyLady,

 

I completely understand your situation. I've split up with my ex 3 months ago aswell...and you know what? i deleted her off my facebook about two weeks ago. I had exactly the same thoughts as you did...i didn't want to shut the door for her coming back... but you know what we should think? We shouldn't leave that door open for them, if they want to come back it is up to them to open the door themselves. We are better than that.

 

I was worried about all the implications of deleting her off. My situation might be slightly different because she left me for another guy. I thought about it for a long time and like you; i didn't want to feel childish and petty to her. I have been regretting deleting her off facebook until yesterday (after two weeks). I know that if i didn't delete her off Facebook, i'll just keep going back to her page and i won't move on. I've even gone as far as deleting her off my MSN messenger cause i really don't need to speak to her anymore. i don't know when i'll start speaking to her again, but it's got to be at a time when i feel comfortable and my mind will be free of all these stupid thoughts of trying to get her back. I still love the girl but the thing is, we have to be better than them and show them what they are missing.

 

If/when you delete them off, you would probably feel like it's a bad decision etc initially but in the long run it's the right thing to do. All you are doing right now is prolonging your pain and hope...

 

Anyway, i hope the above has helped. It's only my take on things... whatever your decision, you should not hold out with hope cause that way they will never come back.

 

Take care,

 

SmileyFace82

[ninjaturtles]

You have got some very good advice there.

 

I too deleted my EX. I did not want to initially because I felt I would br shutting him out of my life completely. However, I weighed up the options- Self love V Looking back. Well, I chose self love. My EX left me, I love myself too much to keep putting myself through pain etc. The weird thing is I deleted him about 2 months ago, but out of curiousity, I looked at his page a few days ago from my friend's profile. Oh my! I went crashing down..He looked so happy, he had untagged all our pictures together, deleted the gist I gave him on facebook, put up that he was happy. This is someone who rarely used facebook whilst we were together.

 

Now he appeared so very happy without me. It hurt me and it stung me and so I made a vow to myself never to look at his profile again. I even blocked him from facebook because I dont want to see him writting on the walls of our mutual friends etc. I guess what I am trying to say is, I treasure finding peace and getting on with my life much more than I treasure risking him getting dissuaded because I deleted him from facebook.

 

People are different. Some can go cold turkey others cant.

I would advice you to think about it for a few days. Dont rush off to do something because you want a response. You may not get one. Isnt there anyway you can control yourself from looking at his page?

 

All I can say is find a way to avoiding his page if you dont delete him. It will only draw you back.

 

Stay strong.xx

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Whats face book? like myspoose I supose? but maybe more for grown ups? just a guess

[heartoutside]

There is also one other thing to consider, my ex used myspace and facebook to give the impression that she was happy and life was grand. It's much easier to post pics of faking happiness on myspace/facebook. As it turns out she has been miserable. So don't think that just because your ex has pics of him/her looking overly happy that they really are. I would actually think that the more the person goes out of their way to show that they are happy on these sites the more they are unhappy in reality.

 

I know from my own perspective that the only pics i put on my pages were ones that were either really cool shots or ones of me having total fun, kind over compensate'n shots, same goes for my ex.

[SunnyLady]

Thanks a LOT for all the responses...I really appreaciate them.

Spank, Facebook is an online social networking site, like myspace, hi-5 etc.

 

Heartoutside, I think it's reached that point for me too, facebook retains that intimacy and i don't want to feel it. I want to view him as a stranger. Problem is, I just need the boost to delete him without obessessing about what he may think afterwards. At least you got a reaction...I would feel so stupid if i got none. :-S. We don't have much of a rship anymore, he is my Ex and he hardly contacts me but we started dating about the same time we became friends on facebook. And we were quite close on facebook (if that makes any sense), messaged each other, walls, gave gifts etc. When we were together he knew how much i loved facebook and he knew that i scrutinized his page everyday, he used to tease me about it. So deleting him would make a HUGE statment, what exactly this statement is i am worried about. He doesnt do much on his page, what i saw actually was that this woman he is casually seeing made him a "top" friend. I know may sound pathetic, but it just gave me the idea that they are becoming closer etc. I know i shouldnt bother myself with such stuff, but its hard to imgaine that my ex is facing no difficulties moving on, he may be seeing her causally but he is certainly occupied enough not to give me ONE single thought.

Thanks Ninja, I wish there was a way i could restrain myself from looking at his page. It seems like i don't even love myself enough, if not why would i be doing this to myself? It seems like I'v lost all will to help myself. I am just accepting whatever comes my way.

Smileyface, our situtations are EXTREMELY identical, and it really did help. The thing about him is he can be a bit childish and i don't want him thinking i am erratic. He probably wouldnt understand that I'm deleting him for MY own good. He may think I am being "crazy". You know? He might think im seeking for his attention etc. I don't know why i just don't have the will to delete him. Did you ever get a response from her?

 

You know, i think i'm still thinking with my emotions rather than my brain because i know what the right thing to do is...

[heartoutside]

Something similar happened to me. Over a period of maybe 3 months or so, I noticed that on my ex's myspace page this guy was slowly moving up her top friends list...18, then 12, then 8 then 4 then 3, then 2 and then 1. She even announced that she was in a relationship with this kid via myspace and facebook a few days after she and I had a talk about us. It killed me every time I saw this kid moving up the list! I mean it hurt!!! Don't do that to yourself, if I could have stopped myself from doing it I would have, because as much you feel the temptation to look, it's not worth it!

 

Oh, and you'll be thinking with your emotions for some time. It's normal, I still do it, but now I'm thinking more with my head then my heart....it will come with time.

[jimmer21]

i would say delete him off facebook its for the best i keep looking at my ex's facebook even though we arnt friends on there but its still accessable to view and i cant control it. just do it its for the best either way he will contact you and get a reaction or it will help you move on better it just hurts and annoys me when i see pics of her on there with other people

[SunnyLady]

Heartoutside- Yeah, that's the key point as much as i may feel the temptation, "Its not worth it". Wow i couldnt possibly manage seeing all that. Ild crash instantly and there is so much at stake i can't afford to compromise.

 

Jimmer- yeah i hope im able to do so soon. See how it goes...It hurts a lot. A stabbing feeling. The heart is a weak yet strong thing.

[serendip]

I think you should delete the facebook link...too many things that can set you off...like a picture or something

 

A month ago...I saw a recent picture of the ex at a costume ball and she looked happy as hell

 

It killed me for a couple of days

[MissCourtney]

Do it...

 

It will help

[jimmer21]

my ex deleted me off there but denied it which is wierd buthey, do it before he does it to you better for you to be on top in that situation than him

[Florida]

Think of it like this:

 

Think back to someone you had ended a relationship with. Now imagine you are still on their facebook page, did it make you want to get back together one way or the other?

 

Just because the door was not closed? Probably not.

 

Now imagine you checked your facebook page and the ex you broke up with had deleted you-wouldn't that make you more curious why they did that.

 

Mostly do it for yourself, but you'll leave the door open more-at the very least by tweaking his curiosity that you seem to be moving on and making a decision by deleting than leaving him on your page if that is your concern.

[so_sad]

Delete him.

I did it, and he never mentioned it. I had the same feelings of "not wanting to dissuade him" but that was outweighed by the insanity caused by my looking at his facebook several times a day and obsessing over every single post from every single girl on there (and there were a lot). It would have killed me to look at that every day and wonder what he was doing and with whom.

Someone else said it - keeping him as a facebook friend isn't going to make him want to get together with you. I say delete him for your own sanity.

[SmileyFace82]

Smileyface, our situtations are EXTREMELY identical, and it really did help. The thing about him is he can be a bit childish and i don't want him thinking i am erratic. He probably wouldnt understand that I'm deleting him for MY own good. He may think I am being "crazy". You know? He might think im seeking for his attention etc. I don't know why i just don't have the will to delete him. Did you ever get a response from her?

 

You know, i think i'm still thinking with my emotions rather than my brain because i know what the right thing to do is...

 

It is uncanny how similiar our situations are. Although unlike your situation, my ex and I didn't really contact each other much through facebook even when we were together. Now i've deleted her she is completely invisible to me cause she's always had her privacy settings really high. Which is a good thing for me. Initially i was thinking what have i done? but after some time to think about it i know it was the best thing for me. I spend less time on facebook now anyway! (well ever so slightly:p)

 

Anyway, i haven't heard from her at all which is again a good thing for me. I mean, i still think about her, and i have good days and bad days but i know that the reason for deleting her wasn't to get a reaction from her or any other reason but to make me heal more easier. I feel like i couldn't take those final steps to healing and moving on unless i can stop viewing her profile and seeing what she is doing. I saw new pictures of my ex on there and it didn't help at all. I see her coming online and she never spoke to me. It just prevented me from moving forward cause i ended up wondering about her and stuff she is doing and why she isn't contacting me? etc. That's just not healthy.

 

You said it yourself... you are doing it for YOU! Not for him. He must understand that, if he doesn't then it's not your problem. Don't waste time explaining this to him. If he is a smart guy he will work it out eventually. I don't even know what i will say once i speak to my ex again. The last time i saw her we were fairly cold-ish with one another which felt so weird. I thought about explaining to her why i've done this...the reason being that it was to help me move on and that this doesn't mean that we can't be friends in reality away from the virtual world...but i don't think i will bother now. If i see her, bump into her, meet up with her whatever... i will just smile and ask how she is...That's as far as it has to go.

 

Friendship requires EQUAL willingness from both sides... if she thinks i've deleted her because of her... then that would be fairly typical of a person who thinks they are in control, who thinks they are better. I don't need to have people like that around me when i'm in the process of picking myself up from the floor. I'm better than that.

 

Anyway, i might have veered off onto a seperate topic a little there but ultimately you just have to remember that you are deleting him off for YOU. It might affect him, it might not... but in the end...does it really matter?

[SmileyFace82]

Sorry posted twice accidently

[vivrantflo]

Hey you.. yeah, you said it earlier that you should delete him for yourself.. and you're right. Looking at his page will torture you, and you don't need that.

 

I'll put it to you this way.. if he ever wants you back, or wants to reconcile.. he WILL find you.. and he doesn't need Facebook to do that.. you know?? He knows your email address.. he knows your celly number.. he can contact you if he wants to. Delete him asap, so you're not tempted to look at his page and torture yourself anymore. Good luck!

[SunnyLady]

Thanks everyone! I really do appreciate your advice.

 

Smileyface do you really think he will be smart enough to figure it out? I mean surely it requires a bit of common sense. nothing more than that? Wow I wish i had your strength! Click and he is off. If only. lol.

Vivran/ So sad- I agree with you guys, ultimately I am my own priority and responsibilty. Hopefully Ill be able to do the right thing soon.

Florida- Lol,that perked me up. The scenario made a lot of sense.

 

Thanks everyone. I just want to ask a question- from an objective point of view, what do you think will go through his mind when i delete him. What I mean is you do accept that he might think of me as crazy right? I know I shouldnt care and I feel so so so much better now! But I really would like to know ... if you broke up with someone and she/he deleted you 3 months post breakup what would you think? Pleasetry not to think with your hearts (beacuse this ex of mine has no heart and is very selfish so will justify his actions and condemn my actions for ANY reason at all) :-P. Just want to know now so I don't kill myself obssessing about what he could possibly be thinking ESPECIALLY if i DON'T get a response.

xxxx

[SunnyLady]

Serendip, The feeling of being killed...that happens often, especially when I see new posts on his wall.

 

Jimmer- That's odd. Anyway he would never delete me cos he doesnt give a toss about me anyway. :-). Lol.

[Graduate]

 

Thanks everyone. I just want to ask a question- from an objective point of view, what do you think will go through his mind when i delete him.

xxxx

 

Will he get a message that you deleted him? I have deleted one or two people, but I did not know they would find out. Oops.

 

Anyway, if an ex of mine deleted me off facebook I would think that they don't consider themselves as my friends anymore. That they don't want to be in contact with me anymore. Might sting a bit, but if it was someone I broke up with, I would understand.

 

About it taking you 3 months to do it, I would think that you simply have not gotten around it yet, or that you were cleaning out your facebook and getting rid of unnecessary and outdated stuff, including me.

[SmileyFace82]

Smileyface do you really think he will be smart enough to figure it out? I mean surely it requires a bit of common sense. nothing more than that? Wow I wish i had your strength! Click and he is off. If only. lol.

 

It wasn't as easy as click and she had gone. I regretted it for days after and i had a period of being quite down but that was around two-three weeks ago when i deleted her and i feel much better now. I mean after all that i have said, i guess everyone's situation is different.

 

I do get the feeling that you expect a response from him when you delete him. I mean it depends on what type of guy he is but i'd imagine that he would just leave you alone for the time being. I haven't heard from my ex since i've deleted her. I guess there's a part of me that hopes that she does but i know in my head that she won't and there is no reason for her to contact me. As far as she's concerned I've deleted her and i don't want to speak to her. That's kind of what it is and we must remind ourselves that we are doing it for the benefit of ourselves in trying to move on with our lives.

 

I've actually felt a lot better these days and i feel deleting her had a lot to do with it. I have no idea what she is up to, i'm not checking up on her anymore and i don't speak to her at all anymore (i'd deleted her off my MSN aswell). I do plan to send her a "Merry Christmas" message (maybe a christmas card) to her over Christmas just for the fact that i don't want to stop knowing her completely. I'm not totally there yet, but i feel like i'm at the stage where i can just accept her with this other guy and i'm slowly moving on too. It's a good excuse also to let her know that i'm still alive! haha... if she doesn't respond to my msg then i'll just leave it at that.

 

I guess that is another issue and those who strongly support the NC rule might bite my head off for it but in contacting her, i'm not trying to get her back or relinquishing control to her. It's just kind of a hidden message where i'm saying "Hi, i still want to be friends". I don't know, that's just my take on it... Feel free to convince me otherwise before then... i don't really know what the right thing to do is...i don't expect us to ever be "best" friends again, certainly not anytime soon but it would be a pity to stop knowing each other.

 

Remember we are doing it for ourselves though and our MAIN aim is to be happy and to move on! They've moved on and so must we!

[astrabunni]

Hi Sunnylady,

 

your post caught my eye. I'm in eaxctly in a similar situation as you. My ex and i were together 5 years and only broke up last year before facebook. We became friends afterwards and ended up adding each other as we were both able to move on. That was until in July of this summer we started hanging out a lot more, messaging, facebooking etc (which was strange as he is a very private person and used to hate msn) and consequently we started seeing each other again (but sadly on his terms as we both knew i wanted it more than him).

 

Suffice to say, he broke up with me again in October of this year. Initially I angry because he could have ruined our friendship that we had before we 'tried again', and he just disappeared. We were supposed to meet as i hadn't seen he coward since he dumped me over the phone (which he said was my fault cos i asked him what was wrong), but he just kept cancelling. I got so angry I deleted him off facebook. Instantly I regretted it. I felt cut off and stupid. He got the message i hated him and with no reaction from him i felt hurt and alone.

 

Anyway i cooled about a week later after i got an email from him explaining his reasons in email for the second break up (as he couldn't even have the decency to meet me face to face) was because although he loved me and i was perfect for him and he had been happy for us to be back together again, he didn't want a relationship right now.

 

Understanding this i re-added him again with a 'sorry i was just so angry' and an email explaining everything that i was happier with just being friends and he meant alot to me to just ignore the last 5 years. He didn't reply and did not accept my friend request. I then felt like i had hit rock bottom as i had some family stuff (a death in my family) that he knew about and not once did i get a message asking if i was ok, even after a moment of weakness when i called him in tears.

 

After three weeks of not hearing or seeing him after our second split. i decided that him not accepting me was good thing (although i checked every day to see if he had!) and wrote him a long goodbye email explaining what a crap friend he was and why i wouldn't want to be with him after the way he'd treated me. After the funeral about 10 days later, i got like 5 lines of facebook message saying 'sorry i was busy, forgive me' blurb and he re-added me on facebook.

 

I ignored it, preferring to get on with my life, happy to be without him. That was until he msned me two weeks later after not hearing from me. I was polite but not friendly and i think he got the message i was extrememly pissed. A few days later he made an effort to msn me again. I was fine to be friendly, even asking about hs new house he was buying. After that i thought we could be friends until lo a behold one night feeling down i looked on his facebook page (something i never do) as my self control just left me. On there were pictures of his new house, his new gf! and them meeting his dad! - and all this within a month of us breaking up.

 

I crashed big time, mainly because i couldn't get past the lies he told me for the reason he had to break up with me. I know its silly but it mattered that it was because he wanted to be single. We had had a great time in the last three months, he even told me he had never stopped loving me, and i did not ask him to say it. Why would anyone lie like that?

 

Anyway sorry for the long story, but i'm at the point where i can't get him out of my head and i wnt to delete him off my friends list again. However i know that i'll regret it like i did the first time. Especially as he'll not even react, he'll be arrogant enough to assume that its because of the photos he posted (which he did for my benefit as he is usually very private). I also know that facebook works both ways, and i don't want to close the door to the fact that anything i post will cause some hurt in him, especially if they are photos of me enjoying myself or with another guy.

 

Sunnylady, have you gone through wih it yet? I've been thinking about it alot, but once you've done it you can't go back and i don't know i'm ready to make that step, even with all the pain. I've been good enough not to check his page since, but i can't ignore the news feed, even though i've adjusted my settings. Maybe i should request the facebook team to add that functinailty in, the ability to remove a person totally from your facebook news feed! That would suit me until i get on my feet and its not an issue anymore. let me know if u go through with it. It could give m the courage to do the same!

 

Thanks for starting the thread by the way. Its made me feel better knowing i'm not alone!

 

ab x