Should i delete off facebook?

[purplegurl]

i deleted my ex from facebook and felt enormous relief!he had his privacy settings set really strictly so i cudnt c him at all...which was wonderful i must say...gave me a much needed brk from obssesively chkin his profile all day.

 

i mean wen ur heartbroken u can magnify ne minor thing on his profile to mean nethn horrible.ne gift frm a girl...a simple hug frm a frnd...etc

 

c d thing is dat we dont want to delete them frm our list coz their profile is the only link into their life,wat is goin on with them,wat they r upto?....however superficial...we just want to cling onto that link.

 

but i have a big problem...after i deleted him,i think after 2-3 days he changed his privacy settings...so that now i can c his entire profile again!!!!!!

 

wat do i do,i dont want to chk his profile but temptation is alwyz too strong...ne suggestions?

[astrabunni]

Hy, i would suggest blocking him. i think then he would be invisible to you and you would be to him?

[sb129]

I think the dangers of things like facebook and myspace is that they can cause you to obsess over them waaaaay too much.

 

It introduces potentially distressing behaviour like having to "delete" friends, or being faced with photos of your exes with their new partners- it was rare to be able to so easily access such photos before these networking sites existed.

 

Its too easy to read too much into things too, like the above poster said, like a hug or a post from another girl etc.

 

I think you should incorporate facebook/; myspace etc into NC when you split with someone. By having them as your friend still, you can't completely cut off contact with them, and its too tempting to keep looking at their sites, and continue to torture yourself.

[oppath]

If the woman dumps me I tell them "I need to drop you as friend (if it was non mutual of course) on myspace or facebook, not because I hate you, but because I'll need some space to heal. I honestly don't want to look at your picture every day, to even face that temptation, or to risk seeing comments from guys I don't know who may be dates of yours. I don't even want to risk that happening, not until I am ready."

 

They never understand. Ever. But I think the 2 girls I've asked that of...they had never been dumped.

[flosslight]

I deleted my fiance like 2 days after our break up from myspace and facebook. I knew I could not stand the notifications coming up and telling me what he was doing. Deleting is not the biggest deal.

 

You can add them back later and it did not stop me from looking at his pages. It just makes it harder so it gives me a chance to stop myself from looking. It does not always work and sometimes I get distracted by other people's pages. It has been my one weak point with NC. I cannot stop looking (about 1 a day) but my break up still has been recent so in time I assume I will no longer care.

[Florida]

Thanks everyone. I just want to ask a question- from an objective point of view, what do you think will go through his mind when i delete him. What I mean is you do accept that he might think of me as crazy right?

 

Given how you described him- if you ever run into him and bring it up (most likely he won't-sounds like the arrogant needs to one up everyone type) he will say:

 

"Huh? I didn't even notice..." even though he did.

 

What will go through his mind:

 

"Gee, I wonder how I'll know if she checks my profile-I bet she is checking my profile and trying to make it look like she is moving on"

 

or

 

"Hmm, I wonder if she met someone else so fast after me? I bet she still checks my profile because I'm so Amazing, she'll be back"

 

That's my guess based on how you described him.

[oppath]

I deleted my fiance like 2 days after our break up from myspace and facebook. I knew I could not stand the notifications coming up and telling me what he was doing. Deleting is not the biggest deal.

 

You can add them back later and it did not stop me from looking at his pages. It just makes it harder so it gives me a chance to stop myself from looking. It does not always work and sometimes I get distracted by other people's pages. It has been my one weak point with NC. I cannot stop looking (about 1 a day) but my break up still has been recent so in time I assume I will no longer care.

 

Exactly, you still might check, but the temptation is less. When you log in you don't necessarily see their picture, you are creating space. If a girl were to drop me, I'd understand. All I would think is "she can't be friends, it's too difficult, and I understand that." It wouldn't hurt me at all. I'd understand it and I would not find it petty. However, I have BEEN THERE. If someone hasn't been on the hurt side of it, they will not understand.

[SunnyLady]

Thanks everyone for your responses!! Very much appreciated. It's nice to have support on here.

 

Graduate, he will not get alerted when I delete him. But the next time he attempts to view my profile (if ever. lol) he will be restricted from accessing my page. And he will have to send me a friend request in order to view my page. You're very correct you know, I don't consider him to be my friends anymore. Soon enough he will get to know that. ;-).

 

Smileyface, You are right, I would expect a response from him. But knowing the kind of guy he is (selfish and able to ignore me) he will probably say nothing about it. But at the same time he is very outspoken so not sure. I shouldnt even bother myself with that anyway. Funny enough I was thinking of doing the same thing as well. (Sending merry christmas wishes). Xmas is supposed to be a time of love and caring and it would seem so wrong to wish everyone but HIM a merry christmas. I don't want to stop knowing him and I don't want to be equivalent to a dead person (I don't want Him to regard me as being dead). But I've made up my mind at least for now. If he can't be bothered to send me wishes then i am not going to do so to him. I don't know how your ex treated you either pre or post breakup. But my Ex was horrible. He knew I had deep feelings for me and he took the piss. To every extent you can imagine. He hurt me a lot...deeply and whenever i relflect on my relationship with him I get so mad at myself for letting him treat me the way he did...and then dumping me for the second time. *ouch*.

 

 

He had a strong hold on me and I was willing tod everything for him, and he knew this. So If i sent him xmas wishes it would place me back in that spot... and if i got no reply, or recieved a cold or lukewarm response I would feel dreadful. The way I see it in sumary is if he cares enough to wish me a happy day I will definitely return him well wishes. But if he can't be bothered to, if he doesnt realise that its christmas and its nice to hear from an ex with whom so many memories were shared, then I'm not going to be the fool. I am tired of being nic, tired of being trodden over, tired of having my love thrown back into my face. And i choose not to belittle myself any further. So this is my outlook. I don't know about the circumstances surrounding your breakup? If she wasn't as mean as mine then I see nothing wrong with you sending a simple message. The only problem is, you would need to consider how you'ld feel if you got no response? I mean at the end of the day it shdnt bother you because you're simply the nice person you are and if she is so illmannered so as to not reply then that's nothing to do with you. But I know I would get upset if he didnt respond in a warm manner. If you're sure you will not relapse then Il'd say go ahead with it. I contacted my ex to wish him a happy birthday and I didn't regret it. The only reason why I am considering NOT contacting him on xmas day is because he took me for granted and I am tired of being the nice one... Tired of compromising. If he doesnt contact me I will not contact him. I need to do this for my esteem. Simply.

 

Although I might melt and send him a message still. Lol. That's how silly I am. So it depends on how she treated you and how likely you are to be affected by any actions or inaction on her part. If contacting her could possibly have a negative impact on you then don't... for our own good. And I'm not surprised you feel better ; you did the best thing! Its the best way to move on and I know so. I am just so silly and so inquisitve. I hope my curiosity doesnt kill me.

 

Astrabunni I totally understand what you're going through because I am going through the same thing as wel. Although we were not together for as long as 5years (facebook came about in 2004) but still we were very close. It uncanny how similar our situations are. He split with me twice as well, he msn'ed me several times and his reason for not wanting to be with me anymore was his desire to be single. He said he couldn't deal with commitment and obligations yadi yadi. It hurts when they move on with other people. It hurts big time. With this girl he is seeing, things are really casual. He is not in a proper relationship with her and he says he owes her no obligations or commitment but STILL It doesnt change the fact that he is messing with her and spending time with her. So it hurts just as much. Its hard to accept but he was simply tired of being with me. And he prefares to mess around with this girl than to stay committed to me. It sucks but Iv learned to accept it. He lied to me as well several times. I don't understand his actions or reasons for doing the things he did and I have quit trying to understand. I almost ran crazy at some point, analysing every single thing. You just need to accept that he hurt you. And some day his rship with this other girl will end but by then you'ld have moved on!

 

We are all at the recieving end now but we will cease to constitute the category of the rejected someday. :-). I still havent gotten round to doing it. I viewed hispage a minute ago and I didn't crumble. I don't know why? Its so hard for me to delete him beacuse I know once I delete him I could never add him back. Same with you as well. Please let me know if you get round to deleting him. Lol there's actaully a way to stop his mini-feeds fom appearging on your profile. I think there's an application which enables you to restrict 40people from appearing in your mini-feed. Someone in the settings or privacy section. Havnt used it but someone told me of it. Ill get the full details and get back to you. I thought of blocking him as well so maybe that's th best solution. I just don't know what ild do when my curiosity gets the best of me.

 

 

Flosslight/oopath/sb ---True, its so easy to exaggerate everything we see on their pages! I'm glad to have heard that from you lot, I thought I was the loosing my mind. I have never analysed so much since the past 4months!! If i put in as much effort into my Law degree I'm sure I'ld be on a first by now. Lol.

Floss- It will get better with time. Ooopath yeah they never understand. This is my main worry, that he will not understand. But I realise from all the invaluable advice I have recieved from this thread that I have to stop caring about him. Its hard though...its hard.

 

Florida- hahah! That was hilarious! He feels he knows me inside out. And I hate to admit, he is correct in that that he knew how much I liked him ( I hate to use the word "love" now because it demotes that word and creates a travesty of it...thinking back to how he treated me, I hate to admit that I loved him). So you're very correct. He will probably think I am pretending. Lol. Especially as a month ago I expressed how stupid I felt about him seeing somone so damm soon after we split. He knew I was hurt and that was 2 months after we split. And I had gone without contacting him for 2 months. So now he will ever be more confident about my feelings for him. Because after 2 months of me supposedly moving on, I contacted him and revealed how i felt about him seeing someone so soon. And he seemed happy that I hadnt moved on. . . I could hear the glee in his voice to an extent. He even said to me "you know i know you so well". He sounded so smug. And then he asked if I was seeing somone and I am not so I had to admit I wasnt seeing anyone. Which of course reinforced that I stilll havent moved on. WILL HE EVER BELIEVE I HAVE MOVED ON???? WILL HE EVER STOP VIEWING ME AS THE WOMAN WITH UNDYING AND UNQUENCHING LOVE FOR HIM??/!!

 

Please keep me posted on what you do! The best few days will be crucial, christmas coming up etc. Be strong. xxx

[SunnyLady]

I'm sorry for the length of this message!! :-)

[SmileyFace82]

Smileyface, You are right, I would expect a response from him. But knowing the kind of guy he is (selfish and able to ignore me) he will probably say nothing about it. But at the same time he is very outspoken so not sure. I shouldnt even bother myself with that anyway. Funny enough I was thinking of doing the same thing as well. (Sending merry christmas wishes). Xmas is supposed to be a time of love and caring and it would seem so wrong to wish everyone but HIM a merry christmas. I don't want to stop knowing him and I don't want to be equivalent to a dead person (I don't want Him to regard me as being dead). But I've made up my mind at least for now. If he can't be bothered to send me wishes then i am not going to do so to him. I don't know how your ex treated you either pre or post breakup. But my Ex was horrible. He knew I had deep feelings for me and he took the piss. To every extent you can imagine. He hurt me a lot...deeply and whenever i relflect on my relationship with him I get so mad at myself for letting him treat me the way he did...and then dumping me for the second time. *ouch*.

 

 

He had a strong hold on me and I was willing tod everything for him, and he knew this. So If i sent him xmas wishes it would place me back in that spot... and if i got no reply, or recieved a cold or lukewarm response I would feel dreadful. The way I see it in sumary is if he cares enough to wish me a happy day I will definitely return him well wishes. But if he can't be bothered to, if he doesnt realise that its christmas and its nice to hear from an ex with whom so many memories were shared, then I'm not going to be the fool. I am tired of being nic, tired of being trodden over, tired of having my love thrown back into my face. And i choose not to belittle myself any further. So this is my outlook. I don't know about the circumstances surrounding your breakup? If she wasn't as mean as mine then I see nothing wrong with you sending a simple message. The only problem is, you would need to consider how you'ld feel if you got no response? I mean at the end of the day it shdnt bother you because you're simply the nice person you are and if she is so illmannered so as to not reply then that's nothing to do with you. But I know I would get upset if he didnt respond in a warm manner. If you're sure you will not relapse then Il'd say go ahead with it. I contacted my ex to wish him a happy birthday and I didn't regret it. The only reason why I am considering NOT contacting him on xmas day is because he took me for granted and I am tired of being the nice one... Tired of compromising. If he doesnt contact me I will not contact him. I need to do this for my esteem. Simply.

 

Although I might melt and send him a message still. Lol. That's how silly I am. So it depends on how she treated you and how likely you are to be affected by any actions or inaction on her part. If contacting her could possibly have a negative impact on you then don't... for our own good. And I'm not surprised you feel better ; you did the best thing! Its the best way to move on and I know so. I am just so silly and so inquisitve. I hope my curiosity doesnt kill me.

 

Firstly, you don't have to apologise for the length of the message. Reading that has helped me a lot, and knowing that someone is reading what i'm writing and listening to how i am feeling right now makes me happy!

 

Well anyway, my ex and i don't really talk anymore. It's a long story so i won't bore you with all the details but i'll give you a short background of what happened...

 

basically she is now with a guy who works on her team at work. She'd only worked there for a month...so new job, new guy i guess. Basically we fell out cause one night (about 2 weeks after we broke up) i asked her if she would take me back (i was drunk) and she threw it back in my face... which hurt like hell but i did not know at this point that she was with her colleague already (i found out two days later when i bumped into them). Anyway, i've met her twice more since...1 to get some of my stuff back (i asked for them back) and 2 to sort out something with her mobile phone (needed me to be there)... well both times she was really cold with me and she was basically telling me how great her life was.

 

Anyway, so the crux of it is that we don't have much of a friendship anymore. I was in a bad way for like 2-3 months...thinking about her everyday and looking at her facebook etc. I've only finally now begun to really feel better and i think that has partly to do with me deleting her and not being able to contact her via MSN. I've not found the urge to text/call or email her at all. But like you say, i don't want her to think i am dead... or non-existent. So i was thinking perhaps i should send a christmas card or wish her a happy birthday in January. I don't know what to do, her bf's birthday is Christmas Day (just my luck eh!?) so i guess she will be busy with him anyway. I've asked others and they've told me to just say Merry Christmas and don't write anything else since she doesn't deserve it.

 

This got me thinking, here we are... the innocent parties.... trying to wish them a merry christmas and contemplating whether to do it or not...and they probably aren't even giving us a second thought... It's so sad. Her birthday is coming up too...Is there such thing as loving someone too much? Well i definitely got close to that and that's why it's so hard to let go. I'm moving on but letting go is proving slightly more difficult.

 

Anyway, i think i will send her a card to wish her a merry christmas... but just a simple message as you say...and then leave it at that. I guess i should just take my own advice and say that i'm not doing this for a reaction but that i just genuinely want to wish her a merry christmas and that's it. hmmm well... my heart wants to send it... my head is giving me some warning signs though...

[purplegurl]

the very popularity of this post is makin me realize how much we let something completely useless like facebook RULE OUR LIvES!

dnt u think its pathetic?

im fed up of chkin their profiles..and over analyzing every small thing.

its crazy coz we can be out thr doin all kinda fun stuff....and wat are we doin? we'r facebooking......its a collosal waste of our time!

 

as sunny lady says

I have never analysed so much since the past 4months!! If i put in as much effort into my Law degree I'm sure I'ld be on a first by now. Lol.

 

 

plz delete him for ur own peace of mind....trust me ul feel totally at peace.infact why log onto facebook at all....go hang out with real frnds instead.

 

im definitely goin to do just that....kinda shocked at the amount of time iv been wasting on the stupid website.

[astrabunni]

 

Astrabunni I totally understand what you're going through because I am going through the same thing as wel. Although we were not together for as long as 5years (facebook came about in 2004) but still we were very close. It uncanny how similar our situations are. He split with me twice as well, he msn'ed me several times and his reason for not wanting to be with me anymore was his desire to be single. He said he couldn't deal with commitment and obligations yadi yadi. It hurts when they move on with other people. It hurts big time. With this girl he is seeing, things are really casual. He is not in a proper relationship with her and he says he owes her no obligations or commitment but STILL It doesnt change the fact that he is messing with her and spending time with her. So it hurts just as much. Its hard to accept but he was simply tired of being with me. And he prefares to mess around with this girl than to stay committed to me. It sucks but Iv learned to accept it. He lied to me as well several times. I don't understand his actions or reasons for doing the things he did and I have quit trying to understand. I almost ran crazy at some point, analysing every single thing. You just need to accept that he hurt you. And some day his rship with this other girl will end but by then you'ld have moved on!

 

We are all at the recieving end now but we will cease to constitute the category of the rejected someday. :-). I still havent gotten round to doing it. I viewed hispage a minute ago and I didn't crumble. I don't know why? Its so hard for me to delete him beacuse I know once I delete him I could never add him back. Same with you as well. Please let me know if you get round to deleting him. Lol there's actaully a way to stop his mini-feeds fom appearging on your profile. I think there's an application which enables you to restrict 40people from appearing in your mini-feed. Someone in the settings or privacy section. Havnt used it but someone told me of it. Ill get the full details and get back to you. I thought of blocking him as well so maybe that's th best solution. I just don't know what ild do when my curiosity gets the best of me.

 

Hey SunnyLady,

 

I think i'm using that application but its not 100%, his updates still slip through. However, after this weekend i think i'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone i speak to, including you is right. I'm even right! i just can't seem to let it make sense in my heart, even if it is in my head. I don't think i will remove him. Mainly as i know that he will get all arrogant about it and think i'm still not over him and i refuse to give him that satisfaction. What you said to florida:

 

 

Florida- hahah! That was hilarious! He feels he knows me inside out. And I hate to admit, he is correct in that that he knew how much I liked him ( I hate to use the word "love" now because it demotes that word and creates a travesty of it...thinking back to how he treated me, I hate to admit that I loved him). So you're very correct. He will probably think I am pretending. Lol. Especially as a month ago I expressed how stupid I felt about him seeing somone so damm soon after we split. He knew I was hurt and that was 2 months after we split. And I had gone without contacting him for 2 months. So now he will ever be more confident about my feelings for him. Because after 2 months of me supposedly moving on, I contacted him and revealed how i felt about him seeing someone so soon. And he seemed happy that I hadnt moved on. . . I could hear the glee in his voice to an extent. He even said to me "you know i know you so well". He sounded so smug. And then he asked if I was seeing somone and I am not so I had to admit I wasnt seeing anyone. Which of course reinforced that I stilll havent moved on. WILL HE EVER BELIEVE I HAVE MOVED ON???? WILL HE EVER STOP VIEWING ME AS THE WOMAN WITH UNDYING AND UNQUENCHING LOVE FOR HIM??/!!

 

Please keep me posted on what you do! The best few days will be crucial, christmas coming up etc. Be strong. xxx

 

That is soooo how i feel right now its just uncanny!! My ex was exactly the same. He even said to me when we got back together "You've always wanted me back" and he once said that he had really messed me up and he understood if i wanted to cut him out of my life in order to get over him. I can just see him smiling to himself if he ever saw i'd un-added him at how much he'd got to me. And trust me... we the men we both seem to be in this situation over, i bet they love the fact that they can manipulate us so! lol

 

I don't know about you SunnyLady but my ex is the type of person that enjoys knowing i'm there as back up. I think we only got back to together the last time because i was dating another guy and he wasn't with anyone.

 

SunnyLady, how are you coping with dating? or have you not even tried? I started out in October so over men and completely happy not have a guy mesing with my head. But now because my ex is with another i have this urge to just go out and date. Do u ever get that?

 

Anyway, thats for your advice. I think i'm starting to accept he's chosen this girl over me. Even if it lasts, which i doubt because he isn't capable of committing, i feel sorry for her because i know how much he'l sweep her off her feet, and that he did love me so if thats what love means to him... then good luck to her, she'll need it.

 

We both deserve other ppl who would apreciate us. I knew that after the second time he dumped me, as i did nothing wrong, i think he is just messed up and unsure about the future. I also believe that he wasn't lying when he said he loved me. Just he could see that being with me after all that time meant he had to be 100% sure otherwise it would be wrong to stay together for fun. I also think that he wasn't 100% and the thought of settling down with me scared the hell out of him so he bailed. And now he wants to keep the door open just in case he gets to the end of the road and he's still alone.

 

I only hope we are both strong enough to tell them to get lost if that ever happens to both of us. You say ur ex has been msning you and you've got back together at least once.... same as me. I just hope we aren't foolish enough to let them back in a third time

 

Anyhoo.... have a great holiday SunnyLady. I hope you feel stronger in the new year

 

hugs and empathy

 

astralbunni xx

[changchewsoon]

Well, I have accounts on Friendster and Facebook too and I did not bother to delete my ex after we broke up (she cheated and initiated the break up, we were together for 4 years) because after 3 months of NC, I've totally recovered and I couldn't care less whether is she on my friend list.

 

The first 2 months was totally horrible, I couldn't stop looking at her profile and she started posting pictures of her with her new guy and him meeting up with her friends and parents etc. It did came across my mind many times that I wanted so badly to just hit the delete button and remove her from the list. I stopped myself for doing it because first I don't want to let something like this dictate my life, and second I don't want her to get the idea that I'm hurting so bad that I had to delete her off in order to reduce the pain. (More on the ego side)

 

Her friends and families are still very much in touch with me, and later on I found out that she wasn't getting a lot of support from them for doing what she did and it made me felt a lot better. Because we have a lot of mutual friends, some of them eventually even stopped talking to her which made me felt kinda sorry for her but at the same time I felt good because at least I know there are still people out there who knew whats right and whats wrong.

 

Anyway, it has been 3 months of NC now and I'm totally recovered and moved on. Some friends were actually wondering how could one move on so fast after walking out from a 4 year relationship, especially with what my ex did to me. Well, I guess I've came to a conclusion that we can't really rely on others to make us happy.

 

Life is not just about bf/gf, we still have our career, friends and families to care about. So I say, if having him/her in your friends list makes you feel unhappy every time you look at her profile, I say just do whatever that makes you happy.

Edited January 1, 2008 by changchewsoon

[SunnyLady]

Hello Everyone! I'm sorry for the late reply...I went on holiday and it was simply amazing! :-).Hope you had a lovely christmas? Happy new year btw,

 

So much has happened! Firstly my Ex contacted me a few days prior to xmas. He seemed very friendly and eager to conversate with me. I on the other hand wasnt soo keen on doing so, I wasnt' very warm to him, or cold for that matter. Simply indifferent. It felt good trust me ;-).

 

I'm glad to say that I'm doing very fine now. I didn't contact him on xmas day, I was having a much too good time to even contact him and I am a much happier person.

 

In the meantime I met someone new. He is an age old family friend however someone I never had a personal rship of friendship with until now. I will be back on later to give you the details. I just want to encourage everyone to stay strong. It's a new year and with it will come new and positive things.

 

What's been going on in your lives? Did you suppress the urge to contact them on xmas day? Or viceversa? Are you feeling better now? Please enlighten me.

xx

 

Right now i am soo jetlagged :-) hence my brief response but I will be back on soon. xxxxxx

[SunnyLady]

Hello Everyone! I'm sorry for the late reply...I went on holiday and it was simply amazing! :-).Hope you had a lovely christmas? Happy new year btw,

 

So much has happened! Firstly my Ex contacted me a few days prior to xmas. He seemed very friendly and eager to conversate with me. I on the other hand wasnt soo keen on doing so, I wasnt' very warm to him, or cold for that matter. Simply indifferent. It felt good trust me ;-).

 

I'm glad to say that I'm doing very fine now. I didn't contact him on xmas day, I was having a much too good time to even contact him and I am a much happier person.

 

In the meantime I met someone new. He is an age old family friend however someone I never had a personal rship of friendship with until now. I will be back on later to give you the details. I just want to encourage everyone to stay strong. It's a new year and with it will come new and positive things.

 

What's been going on in your lives? Did you suppress the urge to contact them on xmas day? Or viceversa? Are you feeling better now? Please enlighten me.

xx

 

Right now i am soo jetlagged :-) hence my brief response but I will be back on soon. xxxxxx

[SmileyFace82]

Hey SunnyLady,

 

I'm really glad that you are much happier now. I guess there is no right or wrong way to do it but like Changchewsoon said...we just got to do whatever makes us feel happy. As for how i'm doing? well i sent a christmas card to my ex...which i regret but oh well it's done now. She emailed me to say thanks and i emailed back...and that was that, she didn't reply. Was feeling down for a couple days but had a lot of time alone to think over Christmas and glad that its a new year and its now a new beginning for me.

 

I'd actually contacted my ex ex (a relationship that i ended) on new years eve. We have both moved on but i know she still cares for me. It just put it into perspective for me... here is a girl who still cares and respects me. Although i don't have those feelings for her anymore, i still care about her aswell and in comparison to my ex (my last gf), she's treated me more like a person and it was quite nice to be able to speak with someone who respects me. It makes me think...why did i waste so much time thinking about and loving a girl who just doesn't really deserve it...when there are plenty of other people who i should concentrate on giving my time to.

 

Well anyway, it's my ex's birthday this weekend...i'm not going to send her anything at all...i feel like i have made huge improvements since Christmas...let's hope there's no looking backwards now.

[SunnyLady]

Hi Smiley,

 

You know I said the same thing to myself. Its a new year and a new start. It just recahed the point where I said to myself "you know what I'm done with this!". I am not looking back any more. Yeah let by-gones be by-gones. Cliche I know, but relevant to us I suppose.

 

I'm glad that you feel appreciated once again. This is the same effect meeting someone new had on me. Made me realise that I am actaully worth a lot. I'm sure you are too ;-). It's time to quit grovelling about people who don't care so much. Let's just say its time to give way to the dictates of logic and rational thought.

 

Did you send her a card for her bday? I guess this comes in too late but I would advice agasint it like you said. No point in drawing yourself back. She knows you care about her. That's sufficient really.

 

As for me, I am doing ok. Got a lot of work with little to spend on irrelevant issues like my ex. lol. It feels gald to refer to him as "irrelevant". Once he was like a mini-god to me. I don't know what role this new guy in my life has to play (he is offering a lot) but what I do know for a fact is that there is more than one soul partner for each and everyone of us. And there is love out there. So no need to mourn any longer for lost love because there is you know...life out there. As inplausible as that may seem atimes. Meeting someone new has reinforced that. There are of course residual feelings for my ex but it feels good to know I can feel something for SOMEONE ELSE. This is my hope. . . Life goes on. I am not in a rship with this new guy...I have known of him for ages but never really knew him personally. He recently moved to his home country for the meantime so till that changes (in about a year) no commitments. So its great to have someone who cares but someone I am not dependent on. I couldnt possibly handle that now. So I am pretty much single but I am content with the fact that I feel appreciated once again. And I'm glad you feel that way. I'm sure down moments will arise no doubt about that. But I'm sure we will be fine.

 

Let me know how things go...Keep posting.xx

[CaliGuy]

There's no logical reason to maintain contact with an ex. None whatsoever.

 

In rare cases, one can remain friends with an ex. Very rare. For the most part, maintaining contact with an ex only serves to drag out one's healing.

 

Think about it this way: "What can my ex give me as a friend that I can not find with other friends?"

 

Answer: Nothing.

 

The longer you remain friends with an ex, the longer you drag out the healing process. That is why NC is so vehemently defended on LS. People have learned that the sooner you put an ex out of your life completely, the sooner you can heal. And they're right.

 

Don't maintain contact with an ex, especially via the internet. All you're going to find out is they are moving along with their life, without you, and you're not moving along with yours.

 

Delete their facebook/myspace profiles.

Delete them from your IM programs.

Delete them from your cell phone.

Remove their photos from your home/office/pc, etc.

 

Delete them from your life. They've told you they don't think you're the one for them, so why would you waste an ounce of your time on someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

Nothing could be a bigger waste of time...

[SmileyFace82]

Hi Smiley,

 

You know I said the same thing to myself. Its a new year and a new start. It just recahed the point where I said to myself "you know what I'm done with this!". I am not looking back any more. Yeah let by-gones be by-gones. Cliche I know, but relevant to us I suppose.

 

I'm glad that you feel appreciated once again. This is the same effect meeting someone new had on me. Made me realise that I am actaully worth a lot. I'm sure you are too ;-). It's time to quit grovelling about people who don't care so much. Let's just say its time to give way to the dictates of logic and rational thought.

 

Did you send her a card for her bday? I guess this comes in too late but I would advice agasint it like you said. No point in drawing yourself back. She knows you care about her. That's sufficient really.

 

As for me, I am doing ok. Got a lot of work with little to spend on irrelevant issues like my ex. lol. It feels gald to refer to him as "irrelevant". Once he was like a mini-god to me. I don't know what role this new guy in my life has to play (he is offering a lot) but what I do know for a fact is that there is more than one soul partner for each and everyone of us. And there is love out there. So no need to mourn any longer for lost love because there is you know...life out there. As inplausible as that may seem atimes. Meeting someone new has reinforced that. There are of course residual feelings for my ex but it feels good to know I can feel something for SOMEONE ELSE. This is my hope. . . Life goes on. I am not in a rship with this new guy...I have known of him for ages but never really knew him personally. He recently moved to his home country for the meantime so till that changes (in about a year) no commitments. So its great to have someone who cares but someone I am not dependent on. I couldnt possibly handle that now. So I am pretty much single but I am content with the fact that I feel appreciated once again. And I'm glad you feel that way. I'm sure down moments will arise no doubt about that. But I'm sure we will be fine.

 

Let me know how things go...Keep posting.xx

 

Hi SunnyLady,

 

I didn't send her a card on her birthday or even wish her happy birthday at all. I know that's for the best and i'm slowly realising that that is it... no more contact with her forever. I know that she is having fun right now, she's just been to Thailand with her bf, the guy who she basically left me for. That hurts finding stuff like that out and i don't really know why... but i immediately came on LS to read some posts just to let myself get a better perspective of the situation again. I guess a part of me is still holding onto her and that hope. i wish i didn't feel like that. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything happened for a reason, it was for the best. I've also recently tried to focus on some of the times when we argued and at how unreasonable she was sometimes... helps me stop missing her!! But deep down i still love her, i guess it will still take some time until that feeling towards her subsides.

 

But like you say, i guess this morning has just been a blip for me. I'm going to have times when i feel down (ie. now!!) but i know that things are better than they were before. I actually asked myself the other day that if i had the choice; would i go back in time to when we split up and see if i would do things differently... i've always said yes to that question, but the other day was the first time i said no. The reason is i've realised that i have met a lot of new people in the last 4-5 months since i split up with her, i've bought a new apartment (designing it right now), i've enrolled into a course... these are good things that are happening in my life and i don't want to have to go back and do all that again!

 

Anyway, that's my recent update... I'm glad you are much happier. Good to hear that you are happy n single! I hope to find someone who cares about me just like you've found someone who cares about you too. You are so right when you said...

 

"It's time to quit grovelling about people who don't care so much"

 

We need to focus our love and energy on those people who deserve our love and who loves us back...

 

It feels good posting on here...i feel better already! haha