Instigated screaming, ranting and raving

[lesMiserables]

I'm at my wit's end....there is no peace in my house. I'm getting negative reviews at work because I actually WANT to work 12 hours a day so I don't have to come home. My family is driving me crazy...I'm a mother to a 12 year old boy and might as well be raising my 37 year old husband.

 

Our son has a definite anger problem, we know this and have sought therapy for the whole family, but what goes on in front of the therapist is the painting of a Di Vinci painting compared to what really happens at home. After only a few sessions, my husband claims we are cured, so nothing is ever followed through anyways. My husband is a ranter, our son is a ranter and after 13 years, I have become a ranter as well. Most days now, I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I wasn't raised this way...heck, I never saw my parent's fight (they split up when I was 12). I guess I saw my first conflict between them when my mom threatened to shoot my dad when I was 14. Some people might say that this isn't healthy either, how can a child who is never exposed to conflict learn how to handle conflict? Professionally, I can handle it...but with family, it's a whole different story.

 

In my first marriage, my ex-husband was the most unemotional man I ever knew. My second husband, this one now, is an very emotional. He acts out at the slightest things sometimes and we all seem to do very well in pushing each other's buttons. My husband loves to instigate, I've known this for years. At one point when I was almost 8 months pregnant with our son, he pushed my buttons so bad, I literally rolled him off the bed and proceeded to jump up and down on his back screaming at him to stop. No matter how much I asked him to stop instigating, begged and pleaded....sternly suggested, warned him to stop....it carried on for hours until I snapped. Hours.....!!! He didn't stop until it came down to this reaction to which he replied, "All you had to do was ask me to stop, I didn't know it was bothering you that bad." GRRRRRR!

 

Why am I going on about this, because tonight, our son...."The SNAPPER", my husband's nickname for him, snapped over losing to his dad over a video game, again. Folks, you have to understand....I have neighbors and I am sure that they think we beat this child unmercifully. When our son snaps, especially over a video game, you would think that Freddy Kruegar was charging down on a young girl in the movies. He screams at the top of lungs and then yells and then screams some more....if I can ever get this on tape and post it here, believe me, I will. It is UNREAL!!!!!!! What I came to find was that dad had beaten him at the game and our son claimed he was cheated (sore loser syndrome). I promptly marched up the stairs to see our son throwing the wireless controllers down the hall. Good enough for me, the controllers, XBox and all are now completely removed from his room. The whole time, his dad is trying to suppress his laughter while our son continues to yell and scream. Does my husband do anything to abate this?? Heck no. I'm to the point that when a neighbor calls the police or social services, I'm going to have our son packed and ready so I can get some peace. I'm literally embarassed to death to go get in my car in the mornings or be seen in my yard anymore because I wonder what the neighbors think. Our neighbors have probably labeled us the Loud Family.

 

Does his dad discipline him....not really. I typically get handed that dirty work. Yes, many will say that I should spank him, which I have in the past after a cooling off period and clearly stating why before spanking, it's just not me though. My father spanked me 3 times in my entire life. My mother, after the divorce, was a different story. I could just roll my eyes at her at the age of 13 or 14 and I was picking myself up off the floor. I don't ever want to be that kind of mom. I raised a 20 year old daughter and didn't have to raise my hand and she was a handful in her teens years.

 

When he exasperates his father, I'm told to step in. Tonight, I told my husband he had better do something...so there ya go, more yelling. You want another example? I get a call at work last week from my husband. He is totally ticked because he has been sitting in the parking lot of the place where he picks up our son for 30 minutes and the boy isn't answering his cell phone. Hmm, a concerned parent would go inside after a few minutes and check on him. He refuses to go inside..."I told him to be ready at 4:30, I shouldn't have to go look for him". I try the cell several times, call the establishment who states that he is there....thank goodness my panic can subside a little. I finally have to call my husband back and tell him verbatim that if he doesn't go in there and get him, they are both grounded.

 

Yes, this family is stressful, too stressful at times. It's bad enough that I have a new job at work that I feel uninspired in, a boss that is self-proclaimed "Impossible to please" and I am trying to finish Grad school (online so I can be home). I'm so stressed that I am ready to sell my house and move into an apartment at the first of the year. My husband and son can find somewhere else to live and go be miserable together. We can never do anything as a family, it typically winds up in arguments, which either lead to bringing up the past or instigating. Even if we try to do things with our son one on one...such as my husband playing video games or basketball, arguments. Taking our son shopping, arguments (and typically winds up being an embarassment), going to the movies....arguments. Heck, I can't even stop by a fast food place on the way home from work without one of them getting mad because they can't agree on where to stop. What to make for dinner? Forget it, grab and growl because one or the other won't eat it as it wasn't what they wanted. What happened to you eat what is put in front of you? I'm tired of being the heavy and tired of being the only adult. And I am sick and tired of the Willie Wonka Munchkin impressions both of them make when I've had enough of the fighting. Kid you not, this is another example of the instigating.

 

Sigh....I'm so tired most days that I feel like I am 60.

 

lesMiserables

[nalbath]

Oh Boy!!! I don't have children, but I can just imagine not even being able to control your own child. GRR!! And your husband doesn't sound very mature. Are you in love with your husband? Maybe you just aren't happy in the marriage and that reflects on your son and he uses that to get his way? You stated that you and your husband argue in front of him, so that cannot be a good thing.

 

Remember, that your son is only acting out in the way he was taught. And you and your husband taught him that it was "OK" to throw tantrums. Since he is getting up there in age, you should really seek some kind of anger management for him, and possibly get him into some type of "relaxation" class, because this kid truly needs to calm his nerves. He had no right getting mad over a video game.

 

Your son is to old to be throwing those kind of fits because he lost a video game. You got to start asking yourself how he's going to react to other children in school? He doesn't sound like he takes losing to well, and he can end up hurting someone else's child or himself if he gets that upset about a game?

 

You should really work at the core of all of this, and that's whether or not you and your husband are happy? If you two aren't happy, then how will your son ever be able to be happy?

[nalbath]

As far as you being "embarrassed" about your son. You really don't have to worry about that, because everyone who has kids knows...KIDS will scream, KIDS will throw tantrums...And KIDS will be kids. It's just something you have to be willing to work on and be consistent about. If your going to discipline him one week and not the next, then that's sending him mixed signals, and he will never change. Also, I'll admit, there are some kids out there who are angels, and that's because they live in a good environment. If your son doesn't have a stable one, then he will act out.

 

One other thing...WHY is there a video game in the house? Your son shouldn't own a video game if he can't control his attitude. Taking things away is a good form of discipline. As far as "hitting" a child, I don't agree with it, and I think it only shows them how to act out in violence. I mean, what's the point in "smacking" a child? What are they going to do when they are old enough to work and they are in a disagreement with their co-worker or boss? They can't go around "slapping" people, because they are angry...You see where I'm coming from?

 

Don't worry about your neighbors--because what goes on in your house is your business, and it's not like you are the only person in this world who gets into it with your child. No one is perfect, and everyone has disagreements. But if you are that concerned, start taking things away and grounding him. It really works.

 

When you say it--mean it!! Don't repeat it twice--say it once and stick to it! It's all about consistency...Once you learn it, everything's all good:)

[Aloros]

My brother was notorious for throwing screaming fits when we were kids. I was no angel, either. Something my mother did, which was very effective, was to take photographs of us when we were having our temper tantrums. Then she would show them to us later, when we were calm. She'd threaten to put them up on the refrigerator for the world to see!

 

Preeetty embarrassing. The next time she brought out the camera...well, the tantrum would stop.

 

Hope this helps and good luck!