Letting it all out!

[Meaplus3]

I think the W need's to know! For those of you that know my story with MR. mm neighbor and my NOT so bright ea with him. I told H. I am paying for it in a bad way but also in a good way.

 

Now MR. mm sit's over there with NOT athing to own up to!!. It's not right!!!!!!! I have two parties to face this man at and I am not happy about it. He get's away with flirting and hooking up with other woman on an emotional level?? H and I are pondering a letter to her, or perhap's let's just tell her in person. This ea which I fell for cost me so much ! I Almost lost my family, and did loose some serious hefty payment's to a therapist. And there he sit's MR mm. nothing has changed in the A********* world.

 

What would you do if you were me? PLEASE no bashing!!!!

 

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

AP, you're sounding like FF my dear! What's up?

 

It isn't up to you to tell her, if anything, your H should tell her. You telling or anyone else in the same situation, or similar situation, shouldn't be the one to tell. IT always comes off as sour grapes and my same song and dance - Those who go into an A knowing the OP is married, thoughts of telling NEVER enter the mind UNTIL the A changes for the worse, or ends.

 

Remember, he IS suffering, just not the way you'd like to him suffer. He chose NOT to tell his wife, you chose to tell your H. If the situation was reversed, and he told his wife, would you want him to come to your house and spill it to your husband? My guess would be no.

 

Forgiving yourself, and moving on IS the best revenge as someday you (and FF will be there too one day) won't give a crap about him PERIOD.

[Meaplus3]

AP, you're sounding like FF my dear! What's up?

 

It isn't up to you to tell her, if anything, your H should tell her. You telling or anyone else in the same situation, or similar situation, shouldn't be the one to tell. IT always comes off as sour grapes and my same song and dance - Those who go into an A knowing the OP is married, thoughts of telling NEVER enter the mind UNTIL the A changes for the worse, or ends.

 

Remember, he IS suffering, just not the way you'd like to him suffer. He chose NOT to tell his wife, you chose to tell your H. If the situation was reversed, and he told his wife, would you want him to come to your house and spill it to your husband? My guess would be no.

 

Forgiving yourself, and moving on IS the best revenge as someday you (and FF will be there too one day) won't give a crap about him PERIOD.

 

Whichway, He's not suffering! He has left the door wide open to cheat again and I now you know that.

 

AP:)

[White Flower]

I think the W need's to know! For those of you that know my story with MR. mm neighbor and my NOT so bright ea with him. I told H. I am paying for it in a bad way but also in a good way.

 

Now MR. mm sit's over there with NOT athing to own up to!!. It's not right!!!!!!! I have two parties to face this man at and I am not happy about it. He get's away with flirting and hooking up with other woman on an emotional level?? H and I are pondering a letter to her, or perhap's let's just tell her in person. This ea which I fell for cost me so much ! I Almost lost my family, and did loose some serious hefty payment's to a therapist. And there he sit's MR mm. nothing has changed in the A********* world.

 

What would you do if you were me? PLEASE no bashing!!!!

 

 

AP:)

Is there a new development? What has gotten you so angry recently? Has he rubbed anything in your face? I'm curious as to how you were doing so well at the one year mark and now this huge anger?

[whichwayisup]

AP, it isn't your business anymore what he does or doesn't do. He chose not to tell his wife about the EA, you did choose to tell your H. He is a big p*ssy and a loser, so don't worry, one day it will come to him when he least expects it. Maybe his wife will bust him, or maybe he'll mess with the wrong type of OW and she'll pull a fatal attraction on him...

 

Let go because you do not need this drama in your life. You've done SOOOO well in the past while, drudging up all this crap, especially right now isn't going to make your holidays fun. IGNORE HIM at the party, completely ignore him. If he tries to talk to you, laugh in his face and walk away. who cares if neighbours see - They can think whatever they want...YOU rise above it all and be the bigger and better person here.

[GreenEyedLady]

Whichway, He's not suffering! He has left the door wide open to cheat again and I now you know that.

 

AP:)

 

Why is it your business that the door is wide to cheat again? Because it won't be with you?

 

You were doing so well...You need to move on...And I think the best way to do that is to move...

 

If your H wants to tell his W, then that's up to him...But like I said before, she might not consider what you had with him cheating...Then what will you have accomplished? You will not be vindicated and you will probably be even more humiliated and your H will be humiliated in front of all your neighbors, too...

 

The reason you want to do this is for revenge...Not to better your life, your H's life or his W's life...You want him to pay...and for what? For not leaving his W for you?

 

Please think about this...

[Meaplus3]

Why is it your business that the door is wide to cheat again? Because it won't be with you?

 

You were doing so well...You need to move on...And I think the best way to do that is to move...

 

If your H wants to tell his W, then that's up to him...But like I said before, she might not consider what you had with him cheating...Then what will you have accomplished? You will not be vindicated and you will probably be even more humiliated and your H will be humiliated in front of all your neighbors, too...

 

The reason you want to do this is for revenge...Not to better your life, your H's life or his W's life...You want him to pay...and for what? For not leaving his W for you?

 

Please think about this...

 

GEL, No it not revenge it's matter of priciple here! WE are not moving H and I agree on that! I have ZERO loving feeling's for Mr DON Jaun! Ok the guy need's to realize and so does his W that his action's and Just about destroy other peoples lives. They area married couple and must have issues I would assume!

 

AP:)

[imstunned]

I can relate to some of how you feel - I am angry still with my ex mm - I feel like I have nothing and he has everything, I'm trying to get over this and he is still in his happy little family.

 

Anyway - I have to say I cant really understand why you are saying telling exmm's wife is a matter of "principle" - were you keen to tell the wife while having the affair? I'm not meaning to bash - but rethink your motivations. You say its not out of revenge that you think she should know? But what good is going to come of telling her now? If you were over it all would you even care?

 

Sometimes life just isnt fair. I am paying the HUGEST price for the affair I didnt even know I was in. My exmm has got off with it scott free. Or at least I think he as. You are free, you came clean with your H. If you tell the wife it will dredge up all the drama all over again, and goodness knows how your ex will behave with you, or what his wife could do. Are you not neighbours?

 

Dont ruin the holidays. Let it go. Keep posting here and rant away.

[mattym]

His W probably knows exactly what he's like

 

When my A was full-on I thought i was being sooo clever and that my wife suspected nothing. What an idiot i was, she knew full well, she just didn't have any proof. When she had the proof, thats when she confronted me

 

When you live with someone they know you. They pick up on the slightest changes in your behaviour or personality, so unless she either doesn't care or is as bad as he is she'll know

 

If you write or tell her, he'll deny it. then if that doesnt work, he'll blame you and say you pursued him like the 'loose woman' he will portray you to be

 

He sounds like a serial philanderer, maybe it wouled be better to act with dignity. Think of the good times you had with him, and use those to become a better person in yourself. If he can't help it he will fall over at some point and pay the price. No one can duck and dive like that forever without being caught, it's not possible. then you can allow yourself a smile s you'll have what he can never have- an honest loving relationship with someone who cares about you

[OWoman]

When you live with someone they know you. They pick up on the slightest changes in your behaviour or personality, so unless she either doesn't care or is as bad as he is she'll know

 

...

No one can duck and dive like that forever without being caught, it's not possible.

 

Matt just a friendly warning - unless you want to carry away your testicles in a little brown paper bag, perhaps you should moderate your assertions and not make these sweeping statements which assume that your own personal experience is a universal law.

 

Clearly NOT every BS knows their partner is cheating - you have only to read these threads here on LS to know that's not the case.

 

And clearly it IS possible to spend a lifetime doing so without a BS finding out - there are many stories of indiscretions which emerge only at or after a funeral.

 

Your claims, as they stand, seem to accuse BS who don't know (or didn't at the time) that their partner was cheating of being "as bad as he is" and I don't think many of them would take kindly to that. A flaming is the very least you'd be in for.

 

Please think before you post - every experience and incident is different and while you might be an expert on your own, you're not an expert on theirs.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I have ZERO loving feeling's for Mr DON Jaun!

 

Than why are you still obsessing?

 

AP, I feel sad for you. You keep saying how much you are over your emotional affair with the neighbor ... how you’ve moved on ... but after all this time he’s still all you can seem to talk and think about.

 

He get's away with flirting and hooking up with other woman on an emotional level??

 

You say “woman” ... as in plural. Do you know for a fact that he has “hooked up” with someone before you or after you? It seems to me he was the one who had the good sense to end the emotional affair before it became too physical.

 

For all the bad things you say about him (which isn’t anything different than what you have done) ... you’ve got to at least give him kudos for doing that no matter how humiliating it may have felt to hear he wasn’t willing to risk his marriage for you. Wouldn’t you have wanted your own husband to do the same?

 

I hope if you decide to write that letter, that you tell his wife the WHOLE truth ... including the part where he was the one who ended it before it went any further because he wasn’t willing to lose his wife and family. I’m worried that once the whole truth is out (including some very humiliating details), and ALL of your mutual acquaintances learn what happened, it may prove more embarrassing for you and your family than the neighbors.

 

Think. Think. Think.

[mattym]

Matt just a friendly warning - unless you want to carry away your testicles in a little brown paper bag, perhaps you should moderate your assertions and not make these sweeping statements which assume that your own personal experience is a universal law.

 

Clearly NOT every BS knows their partner is cheating - you have only to read these threads here on LS to know that's not the case.

 

And clearly it IS possible to spend a lifetime doing so without a BS finding out - there are many stories of indiscretions which emerge only at or after a funeral.

 

Your claims, as they stand, seem to accuse BS who don't know (or didn't at the time) that their partner was cheating of being "as bad as he is" and I don't think many of them would take kindly to that. A flaming is the very least you'd be in for.

 

Please think before you post - every experience and incident is different and while you might be an expert on your own, you're not an expert on theirs.

 

 

I stand by what i said, anyone in an intimate relationship living with someone will recognise a change in them, unless they are so self-obesssed they are in a world of their own

 

Maybe some women dont want to face it, or cannot prove it

 

Thanks for the slightly menacing warning though

 

Matt

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can tell her, AP but I can guarantee you this: it won't go like you expect and you'll be the one on the losing end of it. She will want to believe him, not you - and you can bet he won't be honest with her either. He will make you out to be Alex from Fatal Attraction before he will admit to any wrongdoing.

[noforgiveness]

You can tell her, AP but I can guarantee you this: it won't go like you expect and you'll be the one on the losing end of it. She will want to believe him, not you - and you can bet he won't be honest with her either. He will make you out to be Alex from Fatal Attraction before he will admit to any wrongdoing.

 

I agree. It will only get hurt tellling her. You did not have a pa. His wife knows he's a flirt. She will not believe you. It will make for some very bad feelings between the two of you and also the gossip will begin when she tells others what you are saying and doing to her husband. You will end up on the outs in te neighborhood and not be invited to the next party.

 

In his mind he did not cross that line even with you trying to entice him with lingerie. Honestly, this will not be a good move for you.

[OpenBook]

I stand by what i said, anyone in an intimate relationship living with someone will recognise a change in them, unless they are so self-obesssed they are in a world of their own

 

Maybe some women dont want to face it, or cannot prove it

 

Thanks for the slightly menacing warning though

 

Matt

 

Ironic. This is exactly what I believe (and have posted) all along... it's IMPOSSIBLE not to know SOMETHING isn't right when you live with someone, day in and day out. But many BS's on here claim they had no idea their H's were cheating on them. And I get flamed every time I bring it up. Go figure.

[Art_Critic]

If I was a betrayed spouse and didn't already know I think I would want to know.. but only by a family member.

I think that only a family member has a right to call out another about such a thing.

 

While I believe that I also believe this..

 

I don't believe that a person who might have an affair with another's spouse has the right to interject themselves any further and create any more damage to someone else's marriage.

They need to worry about their own life and move on.

 

Having an affair with someone does not give them a right or access to each and very cranny of that person's marriage..

It also IMO doesn't give them the right to cause possible pain to someone for the disguised purpose of revenge..

 

Tell her if you want.. but you will not feel better in the end if you are honest with yourself..

[cj1988]

Look, I know all to well how you feel. I am the one that heard the tape and it turned my life and M upside down, while the she gets to carry on not only with her normal life, but her H as well. I was told he better not eveer the tape then I was told, play it for him I do not care, but that is not me.....I am living with this while her life is FINE, yes that pisses me off. But, telling the H and playing the tape will hurt HIM and I do not want to do that....I have thought about and have told him some things in it that SHE did not tell (she left out 95% of it) and they have not been around since ! So, maybe that out a bug in his ear with just the little I told him, maybe not....all I know us that I am happy now or on my way, so she may have even done me a favor !

 

What goes around comes around and she may not find out by you, but one of the MANY he does have another A with may not be all that nice !

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

She probably already knows about you.

 

He must have told her that you have a crush on him or something.

 

Since he loves his wife and they are close etc, I don't think it's a big secret.

 

Your situation really sucks though.

 

Ariadne

[noforgiveness]

Ironic. This is exactly what I believe (and have posted) all along... it's IMPOSSIBLE not to know SOMETHING isn't right when you live with someone, day in and day out. But many BS's on here claim they had no idea their H's were cheating on them. And I get flamed every time I bring it up. Go figure.

 

 

There is a big difference in the bitter put the wife down type of message you try to portrya and the one matty is.

 

You like to say she is pathetic and does not care about him or else she would know etc etc on those sad insulting lines. I'm too lazy to look up your quotes where apparently you were flamed so feel free to show them.

 

Matty is saying a wife who like in his case had a good relationship will know something isn't right. That it takes her a while to figure it out does not make her in denial or uncaring and thoughtless to her husband. He may be telling her he's under pressure by work. She may ask him over and over what's wrong and he has a million little lies. She loves him and wants to believe him.

 

Feel free though to show us examples of this unfairness you have been shown.

[LifesontheUp]

Ironic. This is exactly what I believe (and have posted) all along... it's IMPOSSIBLE not to know SOMETHING isn't right when you live with someone, day in and day out. But many BS's on here claim they had no idea their H's were cheating on them. And I get flamed every time I bring it up. Go figure.

 

 

I'm not going to flame you, just letting you know what I think......

 

Every relationship has its ups and downs and I often read about those that suspect infidelity and those that didn't have a clue.

 

In my case, my WS was good at hiding the affair (until I found the e-mails by accident). We hadn't had a good relationship for years and he ignored all my pleadings to go to marriage counselling. I never thought he was having an affair until I found the messages. His behaviour didn't change, we went to work together and came home together. He never went out without me, he still used the computer all the time just like always. He wasn't any more or less communicative with me, he wasn't nicer or angrier.......he was just the same.

 

After D-day, I found out about the sneaky lunches together, the phone calls in work and the MSN conversations.

 

What I think I am saying is that for some BS their WS will carry on their affair at work and not do anything to raise suspicions.....it'll be life as normal with the wife.

[OpenBook]

Matty is saying a wife who like in his case had a good relationship will know something isn't right.

 

You call that a "good relationship"??

 

Feel free though to show us examples of this unfairness you have been shown.

 

No, I'll rest my case with your post.

[Meaplus3]

Is there a new development? What has gotten you so angry recently? Has he rubbed anything in your face? I'm curious as to how you were doing so well at the one year mark and now this huge anger?

 

White Flower,

 

Yes, there was a situation the other day that I happen to see and over hear. Look's as though MM's duaghter has a new best /gf with a very attractive mom, she kind of look's like me. I was outside my house fixing one of the snowmen on my lawn when the mom dropped off the kid. MM comes flying out to the front porch. I saw and overheard the flirting that was going on, it made me very upset. The reason I got upset was because that type of flirting is how I ended up in the ea with him. Even though I DO not and I mean NOT have any loving feeling's toward him any longer, for such a long time I did. When he flirted with me it made me feel special. By seeing that it was a big slap in the face to me. It made me feel so played and not unqiue at all. I have been doing great with all this. My H is kind enough to put up with my rant's about him, and he is trying to help me out as well. I'm only human and I let what I saw get the best of me.

 

AP:)

[noforgiveness]

You call that a "good relationship"??

 

 

 

No, I'll rest my case with your post.

 

did you read matty's story? He was broken not his marriage but his marriage very well may be broken now.

Many of these mm are broken men who are going through a midlife crises and just need a happy little ego boost to get through their day.

 

Very sad they destroy all they had for some ego strokes.

[Meaplus3]

Than why are you still obsessing?

 

AP, I feel sad for you. You keep saying how much you are over your emotional affair with the neighbor ... how you’ve moved on ... but after all this time he’s still all you can seem to talk and think about.

 

 

 

You say “woman” ... as in plural. Do you know for a fact that he has “hooked up” with someone before you or after you? It seems to me he was the one who had the good sense to end the emotional affair before it became too physical.

 

For all the bad things you say about him (which isn’t anything different than what you have done) ... you’ve got to at least give him kudos for doing that no matter how humiliating it may have felt to hear he wasn’t willing to risk his marriage for you. Wouldn’t you have wanted your own husband to do the same?

 

I hope if you decide to write that letter, that you tell his wife the WHOLE truth ... including the part where he was the one who ended it before it went any further because he wasn’t willing to lose his wife and family. I’m worried that once the whole truth is out (including some very humiliating details), and ALL of your mutual acquaintances learn what happened, it may prove more embarrassing for you and your family than the neighbors.

 

Think. Think. Think.

 

Thank's for your message! Look, I could care less if I look like an A*** here, it's not about that! I am NOT a mean rotten person! I got myself into a mess that has costed me and my family so much. Let the neighbor's all know, NO one like him around here anyway!

 

AP:)

[noforgiveness]

Thank's for your message! Look, I could care less if I look like an A*** here, it's not about that! I am NOT a mean rotten person! I got myself into a mess that has costed me and my family so much. Let the neighbor's all know, NO one like him around here anyway!

 

AP:)

 

 

You'll just end up being embarrassed and he really will get out of this with his wife. I know you are angry but this is not a good idea. Don't make yourself feel uncomfortable around all the other neighbors. Don't air your dirty laundry like this. Everyone knows this guy is a flirt and they will paint this as you taking it too far and reading his flirtations as too much.