Letting it all out!

[Owl]

As a BS, I say tell her.

 

Set the stage so that he can't deny it (bring proof if you can), do it in a situation where you can ensure that she's not going to become violent with you. Have your H with you when you tell her...if possible, have HER H there too. Don't warn him about what you're doing...it'll give him a chance to spin things to make you look crazy.

 

Don't expect her to thank you for it, or to accept what you've said right away. Be apologetic, be open and honest, and answer all her questions. Explain to her that you're telling her because you felt it was her right to know, and that you would want to know if the tables were turned.

 

I totally disagree with not telling her. She has the right to know. And as part of the team that conducted this affair, it IS partially your responsibility to make amends to someone you wronged. Others will disagree with me...ok. This is where I stand on the subject.

 

Give it some thought...PLAN OUT HOW YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS BEFOREHAND. Set it up so that her H doesn't suspect what's going to happen, and can't weasel out of it. And ensure that your H 'has your back' the whole way too.

[Meaplus3]

I think it has more to do with Closure! Plus, creating a feeling of safety.

 

That make sense?

 

However I agree that it is perhaps best if H does the telling. It will have more of an impact that way.

 

Thank's Cobra, I do agree with you.

[Frances]

I think it has more to do with Closure! Plus, creating a feeling of safety.

 

That make sense?

 

However I agree that it is perhaps best if H does the telling. It will have more of an impact that way.

 

Then the husband will just look like he wants revenge and does not care who else he hurts. The man's wife is only guilty of accepting that her husband is a flirt. I know many of those and most people do not pay much heed to them.

 

The whole thing is crazy, they are all adults in this but not acting like adults.

[Cobra_X30]

Then the husband will just look like he wants revenge and does not care who else he hurts. The man's wife is only guilty of accepting that her husband is a flirt. I know many of those and most people do not pay much heed to them.

 

The whole thing is crazy, they are all adults in this but not acting like adults.

 

Not true. Enough time has passed that white hot revenge will not be the overwhelming motive.

 

Fact is as long as this guys wife is left out in the dark... the door is still open, plain and simple.

 

Oh, and yes people do pay heed to flirts. How do you feel when your SO flirts with others?

[Meaplus3]

Not true. Enough time has passed that white hot revenge will not be the overwhelming motive.

 

Fact is as long as this guys wife is left out in the dark... the door is still open, plain and simple.

 

Oh, and yes people do pay heed to flirts. How do you feel when your SO flirts with others?

 

 

Cobra I could not agree with you more! My H said the same thing about the fact that lot's of time has passed and it will not look like a revenge thing. This Man's w is big time beign left in the dark here.

 

AP:)

[Frances]

Thank's Cobra, I do agree with you.

 

 

Get closure some other way. Do you hate this woman ?

[EnigmaXOXO]

And ensure that your H 'has your back' the whole way too.

 

Indeed! ... And also insure that you’ve told your husband everything too!

 

Especially if there are some details or some embarrassing things you may have left out whether for your sake or for his. Better that he hear the truth and the WHOLE truth from “you” first rather than the other guy once that can of worms has been opened and ALL those ugly details of what went down between you two are left hanging out there.

 

I believe you when you say that you wouldn’t be embarrassed if the story got out and everyone in your shared social circle knew ... but how about your husband and kids??

[Art_Critic]

Easy answer in 3 word's Peace of Mind!

Step 9 of th AA steps deals with making amends to those you have hurt..I understand you don't have a drinking problem.. but a 12 step program works in many things

 

I understand that you want to make your amends.. Read Step 9

 

I also posted step 8 as it is the first half of the Amends process.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

[Meaplus3]

Indeed! ... And also insure that you’ve told your husband everything too!

 

Especially if there are some details or some embarrassing things you may have left out whether for your sake or for his. Better that he hear the truth and the WHOLE truth from “you” first rather than the other guy once that can of worms has been opened and ALL those ugly details of what went down between you two are left hanging out there.

 

I believe you when you say that you wouldn’t be embarrassed if the story got out and everyone in your shared social circle knew ... but how about your husband and kids??

 

Well first of all I highly doubt that mm and his W are going to want to make this a public notice. I am very sure that they would keep it between the four of us. They are not the type of couple that would want to carry around the Stigma attatched to an extra marital affair.

 

AP:)

[Frances]

Not true. Enough time has passed that white hot revenge will not be the overwhelming motive.

 

Fact is as long as this guys wife is left out in the dark... the door is still open, plain and simple.

 

Oh, and yes people do pay heed to flirts. How do you feel when your SO flirts with others?

 

 

 

He does not flirt. What he did was was worse. It all started with feeling sorry for her as she had gone through a dreadfull time and it was a continued EA over the email and phone calls.

[Cobra_X30]

I believe you when you say that you wouldn’t be embarrassed if the story got out and everyone in your shared social circle knew ... but how about your husband and kids??

 

That may happen eventually anyway. At some point you just have to step up to the plate and control the situation.

 

We lance boils to drain the infection early... it's more dangerous to wait and let it fester.

 

If he is consistently searching for an affair... he will find one. He will get caught...

 

Put two and two together and it's best to control perception NOW, while you can, before it starts to look worse than it is!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well first of all I highly doubt that mm and his W are going to want to make this a public notice. I am very sure that they would keep it between the four of us. They are not the type of couple that would want to carry around the Stigma attatched to an extra marital affair.

 

You’re right. Your instincts and judgement so far have been right on target. As always, you are acting with amazing clarity and your intuitions about people (what they may or may not do) has never failed you.

 

I hereby change my opinion ... and say go for it!

[Meaplus3]

There is nothing vindictive about the truth.

 

That's very true about the TRUTH!

 

I will look like a big A*** to her I'm sure for my part of the ea, I am willing to have her see me that way if she chooses to.

 

AP:)

[Frances]

There is nothing vindictive about the truth.

 

 

The truth can often be used to be vindictive.

[Cobra_X30]

The truth can often be used to be vindictive.

 

It can also set you free!

[Meaplus3]

If that were the case, she would have done so long before now and without her husband's knowledge or approval. I have never seen so many people trying to talk someone out of doing what is right, but have no problem in encouraging wrong doing, confusing.

 

Bent you are 100% correct here!!

 

AP:)

[Art_Critic]

Asw37.. This is your 4th thread on this exact same subject in the last 6 months..

 

What is another thread going to solve ?

 

You said you wanted peace of mind.. you are an adult and responsible for yourself..

Go out and get your peace of mind..

 

I went back and reread some of those threads and nothing has changed.. you are still stuck..

Only you can unstick yourself...

[Meaplus3]

Asw37.. This is your 4th thread on this exact same subject in the last 6 months..

 

What is another thread going to solve ?

 

You said you wanted peace of mind.. you are an adult and responsible for yourself..

Go out and get your peace of mind..

 

I went back and reread some of those threads and nothing has changed.. you are still stuck..

Only you can unstick yourself...

 

 

You know what art this is the case! I was very much ready to walk away and believe in my heart that like myself this mm made a genuine mistake. No bother telling, backing away from them both in general. Then after what I saw the other day WOW it really made me think. I know, mm know's, H know's but the only one who is left in the dark here is the innocent W. After I saw how he acted it was very clear that he has ZERO respect for the woman and it just eat's me inside to have to watch him action. I don't care if I'm not friend's with her or if I like her or not it's a matter of principle here.

 

AP:)

[EnigmaXOXO]

After I saw how he acted it was very clear that he has ZERO respect for the woman and it just eat's me inside to have to watch him action.

 

So what exactly did he 'say' and 'do' to this other woman that was so inappropriate that now you are so upset?

[abeliever]

Answerplease-

 

I am going out on a limb for you. (normally I wouldn't) But I do agree! Yes, the OM W should know! I feel you and your H should ask for a meeting with OM W outside the neighborhood and maybe in the back of a restuarant. This way in public she will have to behave. But why not tell her? Doesn't she deserve to know what you (her neighbor) and her H did? Sure she does! Mr H is sure not going to come clean to his W. But you must bring proof. And let your H help tell her, so she knows that you came clean etc.

 

When I learned of my H affairs you bet your sweet bottom I called the other Spouse. Why should a few know and I be the only one to hurting? Wrong or right I did it and I would do it again. (believe me I will pic a better person who feels strong about A's like me if there is a next time to get married)

 

Coming clean is involving all parties getting all secrets out and in the open. Maybe during all of this you will come even cleaner with some things I am sure you have not told your H yet. There usally is more things not told with "cheaters".

 

That is my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. Good Luck, I do hope your M does recover and maybe this is what you do need to move forward. If so, then I would do it but with my H at my side. Then move out of there. Once neighbors know and they will find out, then you need to be prepared.

 

abeliever

[JamesM]

Then after what I saw the other day WOW it really made me think. I know, mm know's, H know's but the only one who is left in the dark here is the innocent W. After I saw how he acted it was very clear that he has ZERO respect for the woman and it just eat's me inside to have to watch him action. I don't care if I'm not friend's with her or if I like her or not it's a matter of principle here.

 

AP:)

 

 

As I said in my first post on this thread, I think that if you have the support of both your husband and your therapist in telling the wife, then for your own peace of mind...maybe you should go ahead and tell her. At least then, this will be one less thing that bothers you about him.

 

However, I am guessing that nothing will be gained but some enmity from the MM and his wife.

 

One questions keeps coming to mind...why are you so certain that the wife does not know? And why do you call her "innocent" now? Has she been a good wife to the MM?

[Meaplus3]

As I said in my first post on this thread, I think that if you have the support of both your husband and your therapist in telling the wife, then for your own peace of mind...maybe you should go ahead and tell her. At least then, this will be one less thing that bothers you about him.

 

However, I am guessing that nothing will be gained but some enmity from the MM and his wife.

 

One questions keeps coming to mind...why are you so certain that the wife does not know? And why do you call her "innocent" now? Has she been a good wife to the MM?

 

James, She very well suspect's I'm sure however really now, if he told her I am very sure she would have a few question's for me. I do have H's support on this 100 %. H and I will wait until we have the best idea and way to give her the new's in nicest way possible. I nor H are vindictive people. Thank's for your thought's.

 

AP:)

[luvmy2ns]

Do it, AP, and let us know how it went.

[Meaplus3]

Answerplease-

 

I am going out on a limb for you. (normally I wouldn't) But I do agree! Yes, the OM W should know! I feel you and your H should ask for a meeting with OM W outside the neighborhood and maybe in the back of a restuarant. This way in public she will have to behave. But why not tell her? Doesn't she deserve to know what you (her neighbor) and her H did? Sure she does! Mr H is sure not going to come clean to his W. But you must bring proof. And let your H help tell her, so she knows that you came clean etc.

 

When I learned of my H affairs you bet your sweet bottom I called the other Spouse. Why should a few know and I be the only one to hurting? Wrong or right I did it and I would do it again. (believe me I will pic a better person who feels strong about A's like me if there is a next time to get married)

 

Coming clean is involving all parties getting all secrets out and in the open. Maybe during all of this you will come even cleaner with some things I am sure you have not told your H yet. There usally is more things not told with "cheaters".

 

That is my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. Good Luck, I do hope your M does recover and maybe this is what you do need to move forward. If so, then I would do it but with my H at my side. Then move out of there. Once neighbors know and they will find out, then you need to be prepared.

 

abeliever

 

AB, Thank you very much for your thought's here what you wrote make's so much sense!

 

AP:)

[White Flower]

AP,

I could totally relate to your frustration if my MM turned out to be serial. In my A, there is this soul-mate kind of feeling and if that were to be denigrated by him turning out to be a serial cheater all h*** would break loose!

 

It sounds like your sitch actually turned out that way and you want to prevent any other nice woman from going through the pain and suffering you went through. Telling this new "friend" would be good, and telling the W would be better, yet, let me tell you that trouble between neighbors is a very stressful thing.

 

I know YOU are going through stress now with the knowledge you 3 are keeping between you, yet when the W finds out the whole neighborhood could also find out. You would probably have to move and the market is so bad right now. So think really hard on this one.

 

Also, if you share your feelings with your H he might think your angry is indicative of residual feelings for MM.

 

Good luck.