Letting it all out!

[Meaplus3]

AP,

I could totally relate to your frustration if my MM turned out to be serial. In my A, there is this soul-mate kind of feeling and if that were to be denigrated by him turning out to be a serial cheater all h*** would break loose!

 

It sounds like your sitch actually turned out that way and you want to prevent any other nice woman from going through the pain and suffering you went through. Telling this new "friend" would be good, and telling the W would be better, yet, let me tell you that trouble between neighbors is a very stressful thing.

 

I know YOU are going through stress now with the knowledge you 3 are keeping between you, yet when the W finds out the whole neighborhood could also find out. You would probably have to move and the market is so bad right now. So think really hard on this one.

 

Also, if you share your feelings with your H he might think your angry is indicative of residual feelings for MM.

 

Good luck.

 

White there is NO doubt in my mind that he is a serial cheat. He might not have sex with the women, but ea's and other favor's seem to be his thing, it's cheating NO matter how you look at it! As for my anger toward's mm and venting to my H, H understand's where I'm coming from because I have taken the time to explain my feeling's to him.

 

There is NO way mm's w would put this around the neighborhood. She has to much to loss in her profession if she did that, she's not dumb! As for moving, well it won't be us I will NO longer live as a prisoner in my own home because of this dirty little secret understand?

 

AP:)

[imstunned]

I'll be watching with interest to see what you do. I'm still unable to banish the idea of telling my exMM's wife. I think its out of revenge - but I truly think she desrves to know what a true scumbag her husband is.

 

IF i get to the stage where I no longer give a flying f*ck about him, what he is doing etc, and IF I still think she has the right to know then I may contact her in the future.

 

Though I would say dont tell her - just as it would probably re-open lots of old wounds, you have to do what you feel is best. How will you feel if you write her a letter, and the pair of them put on a massive united front? Would that upsent you? Make you angry? Would you not wonder how she could stay with him after what you have told her?

 

Only you know how you feel and whats best for you, but what you feel may be best for his wife may not be what she would necessarily think is best for her.

 

xx

[dreamininginred]

AP, you're sounding like FF my dear! What's up?

 

It isn't up to you to tell her, if anything, your H should tell her. You telling or anyone else in the same situation, or similar situation, shouldn't be the one to tell. IT always comes off as sour grapes and my same song and dance - Those who go into an A knowing the OP is married, thoughts of telling NEVER enter the mind UNTIL the A changes for the worse, or ends.

 

Remember, he IS suffering, just not the way you'd like to him suffer. He chose NOT to tell his wife, you chose to tell your H. If the situation was reversed, and he told his wife, would you want him to come to your house and spill it to your husband? My guess would be no.

 

Forgiving yourself, and moving on IS the best revenge as someday you (and FF will be there too one day) won't give a crap about him PERIOD.

 

WhichWay,

I would like to thank you for this post. I am in a similar situation to AnswerPlease (kind of). I was an OW, they were separated and he told me they were divorcing but I found out they weren't, and realized he was lying to both of us. So I broke it off with him and I have been feeling very guilty about his wife ever since. I keep wondering if I should confess to her and apologize. I feel it is the right thing to do, and she should not be kept in the dark when both he and I know something about her marriage that she does not. I hate continuing the secrecy and lies. I want it to be out in the open and for the truth to be known so I can truly forgive myself and live a happier life. (I guess that is partly a bad reason to tell her. My motives are that it feels like the right thing to do for me to feel better about myself and also that I would want to know if I was a betrayed wife, even if I had to find out from OW, so shouldn't I tell her if I would want someone to tell me?)

 

However your post helped me see that maybe telling her isn't the right thing to do-- it is not my place to tell her, no matter how badly I want to tell her I'm sorry and no matter how much I think it will clear up a lot of questions in her mind. I didn't tell her while we were having the affair (although I thought they were separated and divorcing so she would not care). I suppose the advice you would give me is the same advice you just gave AnswerPlease, right? Thank you for your post.

[forbidden fruit]

Well you know my thoughts on the matter, however I am in the same state of mind as you. If my H new about the A and xmm wife did not, my H would definately be telling her and then he would punch the guy out. End of story. You have paid for your mistake and now xmm should do the same.

[forbidden fruit]

Well you know my thoughts on the matter, however I am in the same state of mind as you. If my H new about the A and xmm wife did not, my H would definately be telling her and then he would punch the guy out. End of story. You have paid for your mistake and now xmm should do the same.

[Frances]

White there is NO doubt in my mind that he is a serial cheat. He might not have sex with the women, but ea's and other favor's seem to be his thing, it's cheating NO matter how you look at it! As for my anger toward's mm and venting to my H, H understand's where I'm coming from because I have taken the time to explain my feeling's to him.

 

There is NO way mm's w would put this around the neighborhood. She has to much to loss in her profession if she did that, she's not dumb! As for moving, well it won't be us I will NO longer live as a prisoner in my own home because of this dirty little secret understand?

P:)

 

Just reminding you and others of a thread you started a few months ago

 

How long does the wanting to tell the "W" stage last?

I know there have been a number of thread's about the temptation to tell the wife. What I am wondering here is for the OW who's ea or pa ended were you tempted to rat out mm? If so for what reason's and for how long after you ea or pa or both ended? (keep in mind that my xmm lives in the house nextdoor to mine and I see him and W on a daily basis).

 

AP:)

__________________Sounds like you have wanted to tell her all along.

 

 

Sounds like revenge to me.

[Meaplus3]

Just reminding you and others of a thread you started a few months ago

 

How long does the wanting to tell the "W" stage last?

I know there have been a number of thread's about the temptation to tell the wife. What I am wondering here is for the OW who's ea or pa ended were you tempted to rat out mm? If so for what reason's and for how long after you ea or pa or both ended? (keep in mind that my xmm lives in the house nextdoor to mine and I see him and W on a daily basis).

 

AP:)

__________________Sounds like you have wanted to tell her all along.

 

 

Sounds like revenge to me.

 

Well like AC pointed out I had 4 thread's in the last 6 months about wanting to let mm's wife know. Look your post's are not offering support you are trying to upset me and I think that's terrible!

 

AP:)

[GreenEyedLady]

Well like AC pointed out I had 4 thread's in the last 6 months about wanting to let mm's wife know. Look your post's are not offering support you are trying to upset me and I think that's terrible!

 

AP:)

 

AP, no one is trying to upset you...

 

Everyone is trying to help you...

 

But you seem bent on doing one thing with complete tunnel vision...I agree with everyone who says it's not going to come out well for you...

 

So do it already! And find out what happens...

 

Who cares what everyone thinks? This is about you...

[Meaplus3]

AP, no one is trying to upset you...

 

Everyone is trying to help you...

 

But you seem bent on doing one thing with complete tunnel vision...I agree with everyone who says it's not going to come out well for you...

 

So do it already! And find out what happens...

 

Who cares what everyone thinks? This is about you...

 

GEL, Well Yes I guess tunnel vison is a good way to look at this! However GEL, the point I am trying to make here by yet opening another thread is that I need it to be well thought out! I am just not some bunny boiler:bunny: like some have said! If I was then bug's bunny :bunny:would have been bolied over a year ago. Really, this is a tough thing to do, however I feel deep down it's the right thing. I know I sound stubborn here, but really GEL, I'm just taking my time, and gathering info so that when the cat is let out of the bag, it goes as nice as possible, if nice here is even possible!

 

AP:)

[White Flower]

White there is NO doubt in my mind that he is a serial cheat. He might not have sex with the women, but ea's and other favor's seem to be his thing, it's cheating NO matter how you look at it! As for my anger toward's mm and venting to my H, H understand's where I'm coming from because I have taken the time to explain my feeling's to him.

 

There is NO way mm's w would put this around the neighborhood. She has to much to loss in her profession if she did that, she's not dumb! As for moving, well it won't be us I will NO longer live as a prisoner in my own home because of this dirty little secret understand?

 

AP:)

Oh, I have no doubt you're angry, believe me, I understand. I guess you're lucky in that his W wouldn't want the neighborhood to know because she could turn them all against you and that was my main concern in cautioning you. Otherwise I'm totally behind you.

 

There is nothing worse than driving up the road to your house and feeling the knot in your stomach because you might see a neighbor you've had a falling-out with. You probably already go through that with MM, but it would multiply if others knew.

[BeautifulMystique]

I haven't read all your other threads except this one. You have your husband on your side to tell her and if I am not mistaken (I was just scheming through for most part) your therapist too then by all means, go tell her. You have nothing to lose, have you? Your husband is on your side - you still have him no matter what the outcome is. Worse comes to worst, you'll lose your neighbour and that wouldn't be such a bad thing now, would it?

 

It is a tough thing to do for some. As for me, if I were in your shoe - I'd not do it but of course, we're not talking about me here. I am no OW nor am I a BS but just an opinion from an outsider. Just be ready for the repercussions. You may think there aren't any but sometimes you don't see it coming... it'd be like a freezebie in your face.

[Meaplus3]

I haven't read all your other threads except this one. You have your husband on your side to tell her and if I am not mistaken (I was just scheming through for most part) your therapist too then by all means, go tell her. You have nothing to lose, have you? Your husband is on your side - you still have him no matter what the outcome is. Worse comes to worst, you'll lose your neighbour and that wouldn't be such a bad thing now, would it?

 

It is a tough thing to do for some. As for me, if I were in your shoe - I'd not do it but of course, we're not talking about me here. I am no OW nor am I a BS but just an opinion from an outsider. Just be ready for the repercussions. You may think there aren't any but sometimes you don't see it coming... it'd be like a freezebie in your face.

 

Very nice of you to reply? So why are you here? Your not a BS or OW what bring's you to LS. Just curious is all?

 

 

AP:)

[Frances]

Well like AC pointed out I had 4 thread's in the last 6 months about wanting to let mm's wife know. Look your post's are not offering support you are trying to upset me and I think that's terrible!

 

AP:)

 

It is not about upsetting you. It is about trying to make you see that you are only going to succeed in upsetting his wife and yourself in the long run by obsessing with telling his wife.

 

Look at the bright side you have come out of this crush or EA with your marriage intact. Thank your lucky stars for that and get on with the rest of your life. Many do not have your choice.

[Meaplus3]

It is not about upsetting you. It is about trying to make you see that you are only going to succeed in upsetting his wife and yourself in the long run by obsessing with telling his wife.

 

Look at the bright side you have come out of this crush or EA with your marriage intact. Thank your lucky stars for that and get on with the rest of your life. Many do not have your choice.

 

Frances, Look! I am thankful for not having my A** kicked to the curb here! I am not obsessing about him any more! It's day to day life and situation's that I am faced with him living right nextdoor!. I do stay at home and will for many more year's still to come, my kid's are young. This need's to get out! I will not upset myself at all by letting a W of a cheating man know that she is married to an A*** hole! Let her be the judge and jury! She's smart and can handle it!

 

AP:)

[Lyssa]

Oh, I have no doubt you're angry, believe me, I understand. I guess you're lucky in that his W wouldn't want the neighborhood to know because she could turn them all against you and that was my main concern in cautioning you. Otherwise I'm totally behind you.

 

There is nothing worse than driving up the road to your house and feeling the knot in your stomach because you might see a neighbor you've had a falling-out with. You probably already go through that with MM, but it would multiply if others knew.

 

I'm with WF. Just think long and hard before you actually do it! You shouldn't be a prisoner in your own neighbourhood.. that's for sure. Just do it because you really think it's the right thing to do - for you and your family.

[Frances]

Frances, Look! I am thankful for not having my A** kicked to the curb here! I am not obsessing about him any more! It's day to day life and situation's that I am faced with him living right nextdoor!. I do stay at home and will for many more year's still to come, my kid's are young. This need's to get out! I will not upset myself at all by letting a W of a cheating man know that she is married to an A*** hole! Let her be the judge and jury! She's smart and can handle it!

 

AP:)

 

You have kids, do you want them in years to come to find out about the EA?

 

You say she can handle it, maybe she can but do you really know what twist she will put on it? and what she will tell her kids later on and what they in turn will tell your kids. She could plaster you with being the one who caused all this and her h was only doing a bit of flirting and you were infatuated with him. You will come out the worst in this in the long term. It is a fact of life that men nearly always can get away with things that women can not, it is not fair, but then life is not fair.

 

Think about the long term. The less said the easier mended is a good motto to go by in my opinion.

 

Good luck.

[Cobra_X30]

You have kids, do you want them in years to come to find out about the EA?

 

You say she can handle it, maybe she can but do you really know what twist she will put on it? and what she will tell her kids later on and what they in turn will tell your kids. She could plaster you with being the one who caused all this and her h was only doing a bit of flirting and you were infatuated with him. You will come out the worst in this in the long term. It is a fact of life that men nearly always can get away with things that women can not, it is not fair, but then life is not fair.

 

Think about the long term. The less said the easier mended is a good motto to go by in my opinion.

 

Good luck.

 

I just don't think your on the right track here. It's like your giving advice to the White House. Say nothing, hope nobody else does either, eventually people will forget.

 

It doesnt work like that. The situation is open. It needs to be handled. She can do this herself and control it now. Or she can wait and worry that MM's W will find out another way.

[Lizzie60]

I thought you had made up your mind about this... and that you didn't give a 'hoot' about him anymore... but you still do.

 

Why do you care about him so much...

 

It is still eating you alive that he might go with other women... he probably did and WHO CARES! You are sooo jealous of him I am surprised that your husband doesn't see that. Unless you don't tell him anything about your feelings.

 

I see that you just can't move on unless you tell her... well then... TELL HER!!! and move on with your life.

[Meaplus3]

AP, I don't know if you believe in God or not. But if you do, try prayer and then do what he tells you. If you don't follow your instincts, with your husband's approval.

 

Most of the people on here have been encouraging each other to stick out their affairs, that all will work out, in essence, have faith that it will work out. So you need to have a little faith that what you want to do(because it is right) will work out.

 

Hi Bent, Thank's for your word's. Yes I do have faith in god and faith that this will all work out.

 

AP:)

[Frances]

I just don't think your on the right track here. It's like your giving advice to the White House. Say nothing, hope nobody else does either, eventually people will forget.

 

It doesnt work like that. The situation is open. It needs to be handled. She can do this herself and control it now. Or she can wait and worry that MM's W will find out another way.

 

 

No she is not in a position to control this once she tells the MM's wife. The MM's wife will be in control of whom she wants to tell. There are their children to consider which the fall out from this could affect. Things have a habit of running out of control the more people you involve.

 

The kids were not considered when this EA was going on but surely now when passion has died down they could be.

[Ms. Red]

AP I see why you can't decide what to do. As I've read this thread I noticed both sides make a great argument TO tell or NOT to tell. As I read, I'm thinking, yeah, she should. Then I read the other side & think no, she shouldn't. The one thing I kept thinking the whole time is that if & when you do tell, you cannot take that back. Once it's out that's it. So, I think you are wise in taking your time about this.

 

Maybe give yourself a set time & if you still feel this strongly about it at that time then you will go ahead and tell her. Don't know if that helps, just a thought.

[Owl]

I think that AP has had plenty of time to "think about it".

 

I think its time to DO IT, and be done with it.

 

AP...you know what you should do, you know what you want to do...so when are you going to take steps and DO IT?

[Meaplus3]

AP I see why you can't decide what to do. As I've read this thread I noticed both sides make a great argument TO tell or NOT to tell. As I read, I'm thinking, yeah, she should. Then I read the other side & think no, she shouldn't. The one thing I kept thinking the whole time is that if & when you do tell, you cannot take that back. Once it's out that's it. So, I think you are wise in taking your time about this.

 

Maybe give yourself a set time & if you still feel this strongly about it at that time then you will go ahead and tell her. Don't know if that helps, just a thought.

 

No kidding Red, I here your loud and clear about the mix of responses:laugh:. Thank's for your thought's.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

I think that AP has had plenty of time to "think about it".

 

I think its time to DO IT, and be done with it.

 

AP...you know what you should do, you know what you want to do...so when are you going to take steps and DO IT?

 

Owl, We will inform her once the holiday's are through.

 

AP:)

[JamesM]

Owl, We will inform her once the holiday's are through.

 

AP:)

 

Just curious and don't have the answer...when IS the best time?

 

While I agree with you that during the holidays is not good, how soon after the holidays do you plan on telling? Are you planning for January 2 or in the middle of January?

 

Will you set up a time or will you simply "wait for the right moment?"

 

This is not meant to be critical, but I am wondering what the best way to do this is?

 

Maybe others have a good answer.