Letting it all out!

[Art_Critic]

AP.. I am curious as to whether or not your Husband is reading this thread ?

[Cobra_X30]

No she is not in a position to control this once she tells the MM's wife. The MM's wife will be in control of whom she wants to tell. There are their children to consider which the fall out from this could affect. Things have a habit of running out of control the more people you involve.

 

The kids were not considered when this EA was going on but surely now when passion has died down they could be.

 

No dice.

 

This is about perception control. The ealier this happens the better. Plain and simple. 2 years from now... after he has actually had a few PA's, and has to spill all the beans to his wife. Then how do you go back and make this seem like it wasnt a full blown torrid love affair? You can't. At that point the children are much older... and the information is more likely to cause damage... because the truth is in doubt!

 

The possible scenarios for disaster are endless.... and the worry about them will never end until the the door is closed and nailed shut.

[Meaplus3]

No dice.

 

This is about perception control. The ealier this happens the better. Plain and simple. 2 years from now... after he has actually had a few PA's, and has to spill all the beans to his wife. Then how do you go back and make this seem like it wasnt a full blown torrid love affair? You can't. At that point the children are much older... and the information is more likely to cause damage... because the truth is in doubt!

 

The possible scenarios for disaster are endless.... and the worry about them will never end until the the door is closed and nailed shut.

 

Nailed shut, I like that Cobra, very true!

[Impudent Oyster]

Now MR. mm sit's over there with NOT athing to own up to!!. It's not right!!!!!!!

 

What would you do if you were me? PLEASE no bashing!!!!

 

 

AP:)

 

I don't understand...what do you mean he just sit's there, what is he supposed to do?

 

Look, if you want revenge, go for it, but just be prepared for the fallout. I highly doubt the wife will think you're doing her a favor, she's going to think you're a low down dirty wh*re, and she could make trouble for you around the neighborhood.

 

If you can live with stirring up a hornet's nest, have at it.

[Impudent Oyster]

White Flower,

 

Yes, there was a situation the other day that I happen to see and over hear. Look's as though MM's duaghter has a new best /gf with a very attractive mom, she kind of look's like me. I was outside my house fixing one of the snowmen on my lawn when the mom dropped off the kid. MM comes flying out to the front porch. I saw and overheard the flirting that was going on, it made me very upset. The reason I got upset was because that type of flirting is how I ended up in the ea with him. Even though I DO not and I mean NOT have any loving feeling's toward him any longer, for such a long time I did. When he flirted with me it made me feel special. By seeing that it was a big slap in the face to me. It made me feel so played and not unqiue at all. I have been doing great with all this. My H is kind enough to put up with my rant's about him, and he is trying to help me out as well. I'm only human and I let what I saw get the best of me.

 

AP:)

 

That sounds like jealousy to me.

 

What makes you think this attractive mom is going to fall for his baloney? Not all women do, maybe she's used to guys flirting with her and wouldn't dream of getting involved with a MM? Just because a man flirts with a woman it doesn't mean she's going to allow it to go further, in fact, it probably won't. Most women will simply take the flirting as a compliment and won't let it go further. Give women a little credit.

[Impudent Oyster]

Wow, well keep up the good work by ignoring him! Is there any way you can warn this lady?

 

Again, why do you need to "warn" her? She knows he's married, she's not an idiot (I'm assuming).

 

Most women take flirting from a MM at face value. Why is everyone acting like women have no self-control?

[Impudent Oyster]

Well first of all I highly doubt that mm and his W are going to want to make this a public notice. I am very sure that they would keep it between the four of us. They are not the type of couple that would want to carry around the Stigma attatched to an extra marital affair.

 

AP:)

 

Don't be so sure of that. She may feel the need to pour her heart out to her friends.

 

When friends in town had an affair, the whole TOWN found out about it and do you know who was vilified the most? The woman. I know it's not fair but the man goes off to work every day whereas the woman is a SAHM and has to endure the scorn and dirty looks of all the other moms.

[Cobra_X30]

Again, why do you need to "warn" her? She knows he's married, she's not an idiot (I'm assuming).

 

Most women take flirting from a MM at face value. Why is everyone acting like women have no self-control?

 

No, no they dont. You have lived through the proof of that, have you not?

[White Flower]

I just don't think your on the right track here. It's like your giving advice to the White House. Say nothing, hope nobody else does either, eventually people will forget.

 

It doesnt work like that. The situation is open. It needs to be handled. She can do this herself and control it now. Or she can wait and worry that MM's W will find out another way.

Spoken like a true Washingtonian! Did I say that right? Or is it Washingtan? Just kidding.

 

AP, you are getting lots of good advice from all sides, isn't it great? Sit and ponder it through the holidays. The right answer will come to you.

 

1) Only YOU know if your H will see your need to tell her as a residual obsession with MM

 

2) Only YOU know how you could handle all the neighbors knowing should the W blab

 

3) Only YOU know if you can handle MM's kids telling your kids about the A and how he said it was your fault and that you started the flirting

 

4) And Cobra makes a good point: should W find out you were the first EA of many and could have warned her long ago, only YOU know how you would feel about that.

 

Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

I would like to know if your husband reads this thread AP....

[Impudent Oyster]

No, no they dont. You have lived through the proof of that, have you not?

 

I'm sorry Cobra but I don't understand what you're implying? They don't what?

 

I was hit on, flirted with, given gifts, etc., etc. by countless MM, but I would NEVER have considered having a relationship with them.

 

My point is that just because a man flirts with a woman, it doesn't mean she's going to take him up on his advances. No one had to warn me that getting involved with a MM was a stupid thing to do, I could figure it out all by myself.

[White Flower]

Again, why do you need to "warn" her? She knows he's married, she's not an idiot (I'm assuming).

 

Most women take flirting from a MM at face value. Why is everyone acting like women have no self-control?

Well, I think AP sees this encounter similar to how her EA began and feels that this too could turn out that way instead of just simple flirting. Most men flirt and most wives are used to it, but AP obviously sees this as a little more since she's been there with this guy.

[Cobra_X30]

My point is that just because a man flirts with a woman, it doesn't mean she's going to take him up on his advances. No one had to warn me that getting involved with a MM was a stupid thing to do, I could figure it out all by myself.

 

Well, my point is that there are twice as many women out there that are not like you!

 

I was referencing the fact that your H found one once! Not in a mean way... just reminding you that there are lots of ladies out there in similar situations.

[Impudent Oyster]

Another thing to consider is that we're only hearing AP's version of this. It wouldn't be difficult for the MM to claim that AP was the pursuer and he was the pursued, especially since SHE put on lingerie and tried to seduce him only to have him refuse her and tell her that he loved his wife!

 

Think about it, who is pursuing whom in that scenerio? You'd have a very hard time convincing anyone that it was the MM.

[Impudent Oyster]

Well, my point is that there are twice as many women out there that are not like you!

 

I was referencing the fact that your H found one once! Not in a mean way... just reminding you that there are lots of ladies out there in similar situations.

 

Actually Cobra, I think more women are like me than are not. Maybe I'm naive but I think the majority of women will not get involved with a MM.

[Cobra_X30]

Spoken like a true Washingtonian! Did I say that right? Or is it Washingtan? Just kidding.

 

We are actually referenced by our voting districts. They are constantly gerrymandered... so I'm not really sure what to call myself now.

[Cobra_X30]

Actually Cobra, I think more women are like me than are not. Maybe I'm naive but I think the majority of women will not get involved with a MM.

 

I'd say your more like 10%... the other 90% is highly situational. But thats for another thread.

[Impudent Oyster]

I wanted to edit my post to add this but it wouldn't let me;

 

I don't know anyone who HASN'T had a MM flirt with or hit on her, but I know a whole lot of women who've never had an affair.

[Impudent Oyster]

I'd say your more like 10%... the other 90% is highly situational. But thats for another thread.

 

Oh come on, are you saying that 90% of women have had affairs??? BALONEY. I don't buy it for one second.

 

Maybe on this board, but this is called the other man/women.

[Cobra_X30]

Oh come on, are you saying that 90% of women have had affairs??? BALONEY. I don't buy it for one second.

 

Maybe on this board, but this is called the other man/women.

 

No thats not what I'm saying.

 

I'm saying the vast majority... are vulnerable to affairs at some point or another. Why? Because to remove that vulnerability you have to have true internal strength and that is very rare in any person!

 

Also... Not all MM are created equal!

[Impudent Oyster]

No thats not what I'm saying.

 

I'm saying the vast majority... are vulnerable to affairs at some point or another. Why? Because to remove that vulnerability you have to have true internal strength and that is very rare in any person!

 

Also... Not all MM are created equal!

 

I'm sure people might be vulnerable at some point or another, but it's the ability to control oneself that separates us from animals, no?

 

Honestly Cobra, I'm not unique, I have very close friends and sisters and not one of them has gotten involved with a MM, ever. I think you have a skewed view of society.

 

Then again maybe I'm from a different generation, maybe those of us over 40 frown upon infidelity more than those who are younger.

[Meaplus3]

Spoken like a true Washingtonian! Did I say that right? Or is it Washingtan? Just kidding.

 

AP, you are getting lots of good advice from all sides, isn't it great? Sit and ponder it through the holidays. The right answer will come to you.

 

1) Only YOU know if your H will see your need to tell her as a residual obsession with MM

 

2) Only YOU know how you could handle all the neighbors knowing should the W blab

 

3) Only YOU know if you can handle MM's kids telling your kids about the A and how he said it was your fault and that you started the flirting

 

4) And Cobra makes a good point: should W find out you were the first EA of many and could have warned her long ago, only YOU know how you would feel about that.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank's White, there has been alot of good stuff to ponder here. I am not one to rush thing's when it come's to something like this, so yes I am taking my time with it all.

 

AP:)

[OWoman]

Then again maybe I'm from a different generation, maybe those of us over 40 frown upon infidelity more than those who are younger.

 

I'd set the age bar higher. I know more 40 and 50-somethings who've been involved (at least once, for whatever duration, ONS or long-term A) extra-maritally than those who haven't. The 60-somethings I know tend to be more senior people I know in a work context, so that kind of conversation doesn't come up too often, but a couple have admitted to that "in their past" and of course there are a few with raging reputations. And the 70-somethings I know seem to have been a merry old bunch when they were younger, lots of intrigue and questions about who was really whose father... So I'd say perhaps among the over 80s it's an issue?

[Frances]

Another thing to consider is that we're only hearing AP's version of this. It wouldn't be difficult for the MM to claim that AP was the pursuer and he was the pursued, especially since SHE put on lingerie and tried to seduce him only to have him refuse her and tell her that he loved his wife!

 

Think about it, who is pursuing whom in that scenerio? You'd have a very hard time convincing anyone that it was the MM.

 

 

You have summed it up very well, but it will fall on deaf ears I am afraid.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I have never seen so many people trying to talk someone out of doing what is right, but have no problem in encouraging wrong doing, confusing.

 

I can only speak for myself but ...

 

I think the opportunity to do the “right” thing has long since passed. Now it’s about exercising damage control since both of these families will likely be living in VERY close proximity to one another. While I wholehearted agree with everyone that the neighbor’s wife should know (I’d want to if I were in her shoes!) ... I can’t help but wonder how many people who are anxious for AP to drop the nuke really care all that much what happens to her???

 

I can only hope that AP has been honest with us about the counseling she said that she and her husband have been receiving. (???) If that were the case, I can’t help but think she should have been a little farther along in her recovery process by now. Even perhaps been recommended for some individual attention to help address some of her own underlying issues. I’m struggling to connect the dots myself ... and some things for me just aren’t adding up.

 

I just think when considering a situation that could potentially result in making the original poster’s problem even WORSE ... it’s easier to do so while sitting safely and comfortably behind our monitors. After all, as long as it isn’t happening to us, what do we care. Right???

 

AP ... none of us here are qualified to give you or your family the real help that you need. All we can do is offer our opinions and perspectives. When it comes to something as important and potentially life altering as this, it would be better discussed between you, your husband and your councilor/relationship coach BEFORE making any irreversible decisions.