Letting it all out!

[EnigmaXOXO]

When he flirted with me it made me feel special. By seeing that it was a big slap in the face to me. It made me feel so played and not unqiue at all.

 

Jeez, AP.

 

How could you NOT feel special. (???)

 

According to you, your husband has forgiven you for your indiscretion ... has decided to remain married to you in spite of the neighbor guy sampling his goods ... has agreed to attend marriage counseling to better your relationship ... and even SUPPORTS you when you go off on your jealous neighbor rants.

 

What the h*ll else is the poor guy at home supposed to do to convince you that your ARE unique ... at least to man who loved you enough to make you his wife and stand by your side no matter what !?!?

 

Get pissed at me, I don’t care. I can handle it cause at least I’m not the one livin’ with ya. But for craps sake ... quit seeking validation through other men and searching for treasure you already have right at home.

 

Quit it ... or lose it all. Your choice.

[Meaplus3]

You'll just end up being embarrassed and he really will get out of this with his wife. I know you are angry but this is not a good idea. Don't make yourself feel uncomfortable around all the other neighbors. Don't air your dirty laundry like this. Everyone knows this guy is a flirt and they will paint this as you taking it too far and reading his flirtations as too much.

 

You know what? My H say's that by informing his W, even if she does not buy it will make her watch him like a hawk, not a good thing for a man that likes to par take in extra activities behind his W's back.

 

I am very popular in my neighborhood. MM and W are not! So, if these neighbor's are really my friend's they will stand by me and if they don't it's their choice. I am NOT worried about outside apperances any longer.

 

AP:)

[noforgiveness]

You know what? My H say's that by informing his W, even if she does not buy it will make her watch him like a hawk, not a good thing for a man that likes to par take in extra activities behind his W's back.

 

I am very popular in my neighborhood. MM and W are not! So, if these neighbor's are really my friend's they will stand by me and if they don't it's their choice. I am NOT worried about outside apperances any longer.

 

AP:)

 

 

Good luck then. It sounds like you have decided. You may want to do it very calmly in a letter so you don't say something you don't intend to. Honestly I think this will backfire on you now.

 

Is your husband watching you like a hawk?

[Meaplus3]

Jeez, AP.

 

How could you NOT feel special. (???)

 

According to you, your husband has forgiven you for your indiscretion ... has decided to remain married to you in spite of the neighbor guy sampling his goods ... has agreed to attend marriage counseling to better your relationship ... and even SUPPORTS you when you go off on your jealous neighbor rants.

 

What the h*ll else is the poor guy at home supposed to do to convince you that your ARE unique ... at least to man who loved you enough to make you his wife and stand by your side no matter what !?!?

 

Get pissed at me, I don’t care. I can handle it cause at least I’m not the one livin’ with ya. But for craps sake ... quit seeking validation through other men and searching for treasure you already have right at home.

 

Quit it ... or lose it all. Your choice.

 

I am not going to get mad at you! I appreciate your advice. Yes. my H in this situation has been VERY good.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Good luck then. It sounds like you have decided. You may want to do it very calmly in a letter so you don't say something you don't intend to. Honestly I think this will backfire on you now.

 

Is your husband watching you like a hawk?

 

Is my h watching me like a hawk? Well pretty much YES and he has a good reason to, I cheated on him. Let it backfire on me. If his W can not bring herself to even consider the possiblity that her H is a cheater then so be it. Hey, giving the woman a chance here, do NOT care how I look. I'm a good person and I know that, that's all that matter's to me!

 

AP:)

[JamesM]

AP, AP.....

 

I think you know my opinion on this, but I am actually going to do an about face. While I personally don't think it would be wise for you to tell her, This may simply be my personal opinion. So, if you think it is good, then tell her.

 

If I was your husband and I felt that it would help you get over the MM once and for all, then I would support you in telling her. So, if you husband does support this...and since he knows you better than all of us here, then I would be inclined to say...go for it. I would also (if I was your husband) recommend that you have the support of your therapist before telling the W. If you therapist thinks this is not a wise idea, then I would drop it for good.

 

From what I have heard from you, there does not seem to be any reason to tell her except possibly the motivation to ruin the MM's life. To me this doesn't seem to be a good reason. While I am not saying this is your motivation, the MM and his wife may interpret this as your motivation. As has been said, the wife WILL side with her husband. She will assume/believe that you are motivated only by revenge...especially if you tell her that her husband is doing it again. Then she will think you still want her husband for yourself. My fear is that you will tell and the results will not be good. Then not only have you done nothing to change their marriage, you will have ruined a neighbor/neighbor relationship. While it may not be good now, it could only get worse from such a revelation from you. So, my personal opinion is still the same.

 

But, again, you know them. Your husband knows you. And certainly your therapist knows you. With their advice, you should make the decision.

 

All of this I say with your best interests in mind..and certainly not the MM's.

 

As for matty's comments, I agree. Most (not necessarily all) BS do have a clue when their spouse is cheating. They may not know with whom or even if he is for certain cheating. But the signs are there, and many know that something has changed. While some choose to ignore or deny the signs, many realize there is a problem but cannot identify what the problem actually is.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Yes. my H in this situation has been VERY good.

 

So hold on to that. Learn to appreciate that! It’s a gift (a second chance) that not many other people get in this lifetime. You are UNIQUE in that your husband and the few other spouses like him are in the minority when it comes to that level of acceptance and forgiveness. And there’s nothing in this world or no other ‘person’ in this world more valuable than the family and relationship you’ve already been blessed with..

 

If there is anything positive to come out of this situation ... it should be in finally realizing that.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I am NOT a mean rotten person! I got myself into a mess that has costed me and my family so much. Let the neighbor's all know, NO one like him around here anyway!

 

Guys do that all the time.

 

Why, I have no idea. But men, married guys especially, love to flirt with women and then they don't want anything to do with them.

 

I've had friends having major crushes, for years even, with married men that love to "flirt". They think they love them but can't be with them because of their ties etc.

 

You can't blame him for flirting with you though. Unfortunately, that's the way they are and nothing you can do about it.

 

But I know what you are going through, it's really terrible (the crush, although that may have subsided a bit). Plus the embarrassment of throwing yourself at him, declaring your undying love yadda yadda and the guy didn't want anything to do with you and now you have to live with your scorned husband right next to that guy and you have to see him. Even in parties (where there must be rumors).

 

Ariadne

[Meaplus3]

Hi,

 

I am NOT a mean rotten person! I got myself into a mess that has costed me and my family so much. Let the neighbor's all know, NO one like him around here anyway!

 

Guys do that all the time.

 

Why, I have no idea. But men, married guys especially, love to flirt with women and then they don't want anything to do with them.

 

I've had friends having major crushes, for years even, with married men that love to "flirt". They think they love them but can't be with them because of their ties etc.

 

You can't blame him for flirting with you though. Unfortunately, that's the way they are and nothing you can do about it.

 

But I know what you are going through, it's really terrible (the crush, although that may have subsided a bit). Plus the embarrassment of throwing yourself at him, declaring your undying love yadda yadda and the guy didn't want anything to do with you and now you have to live with your scorned husband right next to that guy and you have to see him. Even in parties (where there must be rumors).

 

Ariadne

 

Listen I NO longer have a crush on this man, NO loving feeling's any longer! This guy's flirting is way out of hand. He admitted to me that he had another woman approach him before. Rumor's? Let them fly! I could care less at this point! I am beign real and very honest here!

 

AP:)

[TogetherForever]

I think the W need's to know! For those of you that know my story with MR. mm neighbor and my NOT so bright ea with him. I told H. I am paying for it in a bad way but also in a good way.

 

Now MR. mm sit's over there with NOT athing to own up to!!. It's not right!!!!!!! I have two parties to face this man at and I am not happy about it. He get's away with flirting and hooking up with other woman on an emotional level?? H and I are pondering a letter to her, or perhap's let's just tell her in person. This ea which I fell for cost me so much ! I Almost lost my family, and did loose some serious hefty payment's to a therapist. And there he sit's MR mm. nothing has changed in the A********* world.

 

What would you do if you were me? PLEASE no bashing!!!!

 

 

AP:)

 

AP,

IMO, you're still hung up on him.

I'm sorry if I've offended you but if you were't feeling something (still) for him, you wouldn't have an issue.

TF

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Listen I NO longer have a crush on this man, NO loving feeling's any longer!

 

Yeah, I figured it wasn't so bad at this point.

 

This guy's flirting is way out of hand. He admitted to me that he had another woman approach him before.

 

I believe you. Some guys are like that. But the truth is he didn't want to have sex with you when you invited him to your house and you were alone and asked him to. And then he just put a distance and stopped talking to you as friends even, or not as much.

 

So yeah, a true flirt. I've gotten in similar trouble with guys like that. I never understood why if they don't want anything to do with you, act like they do. Go figure. And then at the moment of truth they back away.

 

Rumor's? Let them fly! I could care less at this point! I am beign real and very honest here!

 

Well, at this point they probably figured what happened. They must know the guy is a flirt. Good thing that you are still with your husband, at least that.

 

Ariadne

[Meaplus3]

You have my respect. With no regards to yourself, with your husband's support, you are putting someone else's well being in front of your own. Even though it may cost you even more than you have already lost, you chose to make a step in the right direction toward making amends for wrongs that have happened to this woman. Even if it isn't appreciated, wanted, or even acted upon, you have done what is necessary to rebuild character and self respect, that your children should be proud to emulate. God bless. You should look in the mirror and see someone who has matured greatly.

 

Bent Thank you very much for saying that!

 

AP:)

[serial muse]

Ironic. This is exactly what I believe (and have posted) all along... it's IMPOSSIBLE not to know SOMETHING isn't right when you live with someone, day in and day out. But many BS's on here claim they had no idea their H's were cheating on them. And I get flamed every time I bring it up. Go figure.

 

As has been stated often, it's entirely possible to have plenty of things wrong in your marriage but not to assume that that means your partner is cheating on you. This is not hard to understand, but this kind of thinking persists, IMO, because people desperately want to think they'd just know - it's a kind of insurance policy. I get that; I know I was absolutely positive it'd never happen to me, because I'm oh so smart. I always thought I'd know.

 

Fact is, though, lots of stuff happens in a long-term relationship. People go through phases where they need space, where they're having trouble in other aspects of their lives, where yes, they're doubting if they're with the right person, where they have depression, where they don't know what they want, where they have mid-life crises. In my case, my exH was embroiled in a court case that - to my mind - understandably was creating all sorts of emotional distance. I talked to friends and family about it - I remember distinctly my mother telling me that however distant he was right then, he was going through a tough time and I just needed to continue to be supportive. Thanks, mom. But hell, she didn't know either.

 

Bottom line - it's possible to gaslight someone. I'm sorry to all the people who want so much to think they'd know. I hope you would, I really do. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through. But please stop judging situations that you haven't been in. You just don't know, and while I understand full well why you might think that, it's simply wrong to suggest that people are choosing to stick their heads in the sand; many times, they are in fact desperately trying to put pieces together and just have faith - just as many OW on here are desperately trying to have faith and believe what their partners are telling them. It's no different. Many times, people are just doing the best they can with the information they have from other people.

 

/TJ

 

Sorry AP. As for your story - I'm sorry you're feeling the anger again, after you were feeling so strong. Please don't do anything in the heat of the moment, though. Take a few days to see if the anger is still burning hot. I know you've been going back and forth on this for a while - and I suppose I agree with James. If this is really the only way for you to truly move on, then maybe it's worth it. Just please take a few deep breaths before crossing the street to tell her. You have come a long way, and should be proud of yourself; I'm concerned that reopening the can of worms might set you back rather than move you forward. But only you really know that for sure.

[EnigmaXOXO]

As has been stated often, it's entirely possible to have plenty of things wrong in your marriage but not to assume that that means your partner is cheating on you.

 

Oh, so true!!

 

ESPECIALLY when there are ‘other’ more noticeable issues being dealt with in a marriage ... like a spouse who is struggling with an addiction or a personality disorder.

 

Everything was blamed on the “illness” ... the constant disappearance of spouse and money, the emotional distancing, the depression and manic moodiness, the immaturity and bad coping mechanisms, even the constant lying and deceptions.

 

And on the few occasions when I began to question whether his other lover was the bottle or the family friend ... I was tag-teamed by husband, our female friend, and their mutual acquaintances & family members who pretended to be surprised (and even appalled) that I would dare question the integrity of their characters. I was made to feel paranoid and overly jealous. Even the councilor suggested that my “paranoia” and hyper vigilance was the result of living with an addict and I was given individual counseling to help me “regain trust” in my husband again.

 

Cripes.

 

Needless to say, the affair ended shortly after my husbands recovery. So it seemed as if everyone was right, and that I was just being overly sensitive. That is, until thirteen years after I divorced him (for other reasons) that everyone started talking and the truth finally came out.

 

I’m not even angry about the affair. But I AM pissed that because of someone else’s dishonesty and lack of character ... I was the one subjected to months of “trust issues” counseling when my intuitions were right on target all along. And that’s the REAL danger when you get mixed up with shady people who are more convincing at weaving lies than you are at telling the truth.

[Meaplus3]

As has been stated often, it's entirely possible to have plenty of things wrong in your marriage but not to assume that that means your partner is cheating on you. This is not hard to understand, but this kind of thinking persists, IMO, because people desperately want to think they'd just know - it's a kind of insurance policy. I get that; I know I was absolutely positive it'd never happen to me, because I'm oh so smart. I always thought I'd know.

 

Fact is, though, lots of stuff happens in a long-term relationship. People go through phases where they need space, where they're having trouble in other aspects of their lives, where yes, they're doubting if they're with the right person, where they have depression, where they don't know what they want, where they have mid-life crises. In my case, my exH was embroiled in a court case that - to my mind - understandably was creating all sorts of emotional distance. I talked to friends and family about it - I remember distinctly my mother telling me that however distant he was right then, he was going through a tough time and I just needed to continue to be supportive. Thanks, mom. But hell, she didn't know either.

 

Bottom line - it's possible to gaslight someone. I'm sorry to all the people who want so much to think they'd know. I hope you would, I really do. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through. But please stop judging situations that you haven't been in. You just don't know, and while I understand full well why you might think that, it's simply wrong to suggest that people are choosing to stick their heads in the sand; many times, they are in fact desperately trying to put pieces together and just have faith - just as many OW on here are desperately trying to have faith and believe what their partners are telling them. It's no different. Many times, people are just doing the best they can with the information they have from other people.

 

/TJ

 

Sorry AP. As for your story - I'm sorry you're feeling the anger again, after you were feeling so strong. Please don't do anything in the heat of the moment, though. Take a few days to see if the anger is still burning hot. I know you've been going back and forth on this for a while - and I suppose I agree with James. If this is really the only way for you to truly move on, then maybe it's worth it. Just please take a few deep breaths before crossing the street to tell her. You have come a long way, and should be proud of yourself; I'm concerned that reopening the can of worms might set you back rather than move you forward. But only you really know that for sure.

 

Serial, Thank you for your post. Of course I would just not run over there in the heat of the moment, it's not who I am.

 

AP:)

[BeautifulMystique]

This reminds me of an episode of Desperate Housewives where Bree told this doctor's wife that Bree's son (can't remember his name) gave him a 'service' - turned out the doctor's wife knows all about his 'secrets' and in return told Bree something that totally ruined Bree's day!

[White Flower]

White Flower,

 

Yes, there was a situation the other day that I happen to see and over hear. Look's as though MM's duaghter has a new best /gf with a very attractive mom, she kind of look's like me. I was outside my house fixing one of the snowmen on my lawn when the mom dropped off the kid. MM comes flying out to the front porch. I saw and overheard the flirting that was going on, it made me very upset. The reason I got upset was because that type of flirting is how I ended up in the ea with him. Even though I DO not and I mean NOT have any loving feeling's toward him any longer, for such a long time I did. When he flirted with me it made me feel special. By seeing that it was a big slap in the face to me. It made me feel so played and not unqiue at all. I have been doing great with all this. My H is kind enough to put up with my rant's about him, and he is trying to help me out as well. I'm only human and I let what I saw get the best of me.

 

AP:)

Wow, well keep up the good work by ignoring him! Is there any way you can warn this lady?

[TogetherForever]

This reminds me of an episode of Desperate Housewives where Bree told this doctor's wife that Bree's son (can't remember his name) gave him a 'service' - turned out the doctor's wife knows all about his 'secrets' and in return told Bree something that totally ruined Bree's day!

 

Hey BM,

I remember that episode!!

And by the way Nice Ink!!!!!!!!!!!!

TF

[BeautifulMystique]

Hey BM,

I remember that episode!!

And by the way Nice Ink!!!!!!!!!!!!

TF

 

I just watched it again a few days back and I don't remember what the bad news she told Bree!

 

Thanks, TF!

[Frances]

Is my h watching me like a hawk? Well pretty much YES and he has a good reason to, I cheated on him. Let it backfire on me. If his W can not bring herself to even consider the possiblity that her H is a cheater then so be it. Hey, giving the woman a chance here, do NOT care how I look. I'm a good person and I know that, that's all that matter's to me!

 

AP:)

 

 

You have your husband looking out for you, you have been given a second chance. Why not leave it and get on with looking after your marriage. Their marriage is their bussiness, you have no right to interfer with it. Just let it go.

 

You will be seen as a woman scorned and the neighbours will not be on your side. You will be looked on as trying to break up their marriage. He refused to cross the line into a PA which in most mens eyes is the only type that they believe to be called an affair. His wife knows he is a flirt and is most likely laughing at the women who take him seriously. It will luck like you want everyone to suffer because you have. Believe me you will not come out of this smelling of roses, it will be more like horse manure.

 

Think about this, you would have more to lose than you have already.

Can your dignity afford to take another bashing because I assure you it will do just that if you do not get over this obbcession you have with this man.

 

I wish you peace

[Meaplus3]

You have your husband looking out for you, you have been given a second chance. Why not leave it and get on with looking after your marriage. Their marriage is their bussiness, you have no right to interfer with it. Just let it go.

 

You will be seen as a woman scorned and the neighbours will not be on your side. You will be looked on as trying to break up their marriage. He refused to cross the line into a PA which in most mens eyes is the only type that they believe to be called an affair. His wife knows he is a flirt and is most likely laughing at the women who take him seriously. It will luck like you want everyone to suffer because you have. Believe me you will not come out of this smelling of roses, it will be more like horse manure.

 

Think about this, you would have more to lose than you have already.

Can your dignity afford to take another bashing because I assure you it will do just that if you do not get over this obbcession you have with this man.

 

I wish you peace

 

Truely what do I have to loose? My husband know's what I did. I am not concearned with the way my neighbor's view me. H is on my side here, and that's all I care about.

 

AP:)

[Art_Critic]

Truely what do I have to loose?

 

Truly... what do you have to gain ?

[Meaplus3]

Truly... what do you have to gain ?

 

Easy answer in 3 word's Peace of Mind!

[Cobra_X30]

If your H wants to tell his W, then that's up to him...But like I said before, she might not consider what you had with him cheating...Then what will you have accomplished? You will not be vindicated and you will probably be even more humiliated and your H will be humiliated in front of all your neighbors, too...

 

The reason you want to do this is for revenge...Not to better your life, your H's life or his W's life...You want him to pay...and for what? For not leaving his W for you?

 

I think it has more to do with Closure! Plus, creating a feeling of safety.

 

That make sense?

 

However I agree that it is perhaps best if H does the telling. It will have more of an impact that way.

[Frances]

Easy answer in 3 word's Peace of Mind!

 

 

Not for long. It will bite you in the bum.

 

You will just look like a vindictave c..

 

Your choice though