Stay And Help, Or Run?

[km82794]

Oooh, this is gonna be a long one, I'll say I'm sorry in advance.

 

I've been with my fiance for three years. Theres no doubt about it, he's the love of my life. We've had many problems, his extreme jealousy and his drinking to name just a few.

 

We recently broke up for a month and I moved out. During our break-up we stayed in touch. After about a month had passed we decided on a reconciliation and I have partially moved back in to our house.

 

Now heres where the problem started, about six months ago my fiance started drinking heavily. Although I know he has problems in his life, I know it's no excuse. He would become verbally and mentally abusive, which is what inevitebly led to our break-up.

 

When I came back home it was because we decided to work on our problems together. I haven't been a complete angel either, but I've never done anything to deliberately hurt him or us. I had told him his drinking was causing a problem. I told him I didn't mind if he had a few beers, but when he abused the boose, he became a drunken, abusive idiot. It made part of me hate him and on a few occasions, I did tell him I hated him (although I know I don't in reality, it was just out of hurt)

 

Since I've been back he's back at it. One drunk, a case of beer, lots of nasty words, and a lot of hurt feelings.

 

Last Thursday turned into my worst nightmare. He spent most of the afternoon at the bar. He came home so drunk he was out of his mind. He had such a scary, sick look on his face.

 

He attacked his kids first then moved onto me. Not to get into every last detail but he almost hit me head on (I left and came back home as he was leaving). When he came back he verbally, mentally and physically abused me. Until now I never thought you could be raped by your own fiance, but he proved that theory wrong. He kept telling me this is how I wanted it. It makes me sick when I think of the disgusting things he said and did to me.

 

After he passed out, I emptied an entire case of beer into the sink and slept on the couch. He woke me up at 2:00 a.m., asking me "Honey, what did I do?", "what did I do?".

 

I have to say on no uncertain terms, I let him have it. I told him I will not waste my life on the drunken loser he is becoming. Alcohalism runs in my family and I'll be dammed if I'll go through this again.

 

He begged for my forgiveness and told me he would stop drinking

all together, (a promise he has never made before). I have to say even though I forgive him, I can't get over the disgusting things he said to me that night. I guess I truly believe that a person's true feelings come out when they are drinking. When I kept telling him he was hurting me that night, he kept saying, "I don't care, "I don't care".

 

I have to admit, I have been a cold hearted beep to him ever since this happened. I just can't get over it. Do I stay with him and help him through his problem with alcohal if he truly does want to quit drinking? or split and never look back?

 

I love this man so much. It's killing me to think I might have to leave. I am so mad at him that I haven't even wanted to come home the last couple days. Every time I think of him I want to punch something. Last night I actually took Nyquil just so I could fall asleep and not see his face AND IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY !!!!

I know it was wrong of me. I am not even close to a pill popper, (no thoughts of hurting myself), but I just think I needed a break from all this pain.

 

I have had quite a few admirers lately who I know would treat me right, but I can't bring myself to move on to something new, or cheat for that matter.

 

I'd stay for a million years if I could, but will it be worth it? Again, I apologize for this novel, I'd appreciate any and all the advise you can give me.

 

Thank you for listening!

[NEONINK]

Your long message only gets my short reply...

 

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS TO LOVE ABOUT HIM??????

 

Cut your losses. Just imagine yourself at 50 or 60 living this same torment, and half your lifetime wasted. It won't come back no matter how hard you wished it. You will not get back wasted years. No way, no how.

 

And the next time he assaults you, I personally think I would get the police out there. Maybe then he'll remember what he did.

 

Alcoholism is a disease and sometimes it takes people years to decide to seek help. Sometimes, they never do.

 

You know this.

[Tony T]

You need to GET AWAY from this man as soon as possible. A person who exhibits this kind of behavior can be capable of murder. He attacked the kids and then came after you. Alchohol is no excuse.

 

OK, the bottom line: You have been put on notice by him that he is capable of being a drunken, violent basard and doing bodily and psychological harm to you and nearby children. If you die or are severely injured...or if the rest of your life is ruined by being with such a person...it is totally your fault.

 

I can't believe you love this guy but whatever.... I hope you love yourself more and enough to want to stay in one piece.

 

My advice to all women: The minute a man hits you or is abusive in any physical way, get away from him and never return. If a man is psychologically abusive more that once in a one year period, get away from him.

 

Good luck! You are now on notice.

[Patty]

Get out of there fast before things get worse.Tony is very right that a behaviour like that can lead to murder.I advise you to get out now.If a man ever is violent as you described it chances are he will continue to be that way.That doesnt sound like a very fun way to live.Move on and take care of yourself and your kids.In my opinion that is a very dangerous way to live.If it were me that person woiuldnt have another chance with me.Even if they do it once thats a warning to leave.So now that your aware of the warning,nows the time to leave and find some peace.

 

Sometimes men can get arrested for being physically abusive.If you have ever watched the show COPS you know exactly what Im talking about.

 

I hope I was able to help.

 

Patty

[quankanne]

lots of good advice here, KM, but the bottom line is this: The only one who can work through this is your fiance, and he's going to have to do this alone. All the love in the world isn't enough to ask you to suffer through abuse, especially when the abuser doesn't think what he's doing to you is wrong.

 

It's one thing to love him and want the best for him, but another to put yourself at risk because you think that's how love should be. As much as it hurts, you're going to seriously need to think about just giving up the relationship if you want to stay mentally healthy. An alcoholic (or any kind of chemical abuser) doesn't have any qualms about dragging you into his private hell over and over again ...

[km82794]

I want to thank you all so much for your advise. Trust me, it didn't fall on deaf ears. I guess I knew all along what had to

be done and that's why I'm hurting so bad. I know I deserve better.

 

It stinks, but life goes on!

 

Thanks Again!!!

 

KM

[flower]

Stay and help or run? Answer is run as fast as you can. This is not a time to be compassionate.

[midori]

Originally posted by Tony

My advice to all women: The minute a man hits you or is abusive in any physical way, get away from him and never return. If a man is psychologically abusive more that once in a one year period, get away from him.

 

That says it all. If you stay, despite whatever ultimatums you issue to him and promises you elicit from him, you are in effect saying "I can put up with someone who MIGHT hit me/rape me/abuse me." No one should. That is not something you can forgive and forget. Forgive if you like, but never forget. He's capable of behaving monstrously to you. He did it once, he can do it again. No matter what he says.

 

And the fact that you are not able to see this clearly is even further proof that you must, must get out of that relationship and never look back. No matter how much you love him. No matter how lonely you'll be without him. No matter how much you hope -- and believe -- that he can change. The change must come 100% from within him. It's not up to you in any way, shape or form. Moreover, you are not able to view this with the objectivity and common sense that you would need to be able to ride out his sickness with him. No, really. If you have to ask, "should I stay?" the answer is clearly NO.

[NEONINK]

Also, if you are in the business of salvaging people and saving them, you might want to read Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie.

 

You can't fix other people, you can only change yourself. Although this website delivers good free advice!

[witchbreed]

I agree with the above posts at least in general.

 

The advice about codependency is very accurate. Specially since you come out of a family with alcohol problems, my guess is, that you have been "trained" to become a codependent since your early childhood. To come to terms with what happened to you I strongly suggest counseling or even better join a self help group for co-dependants (AA offers these groups too).

 

If against all reason you still love this guy and are unwilling or unable to quitt permanently, I would suggest to think about the following:

1. Move out, separting on a temporary base.

2. He has to go to counseling, the AA or rehab and stay dry.

3. You go to counseling or the co-dependent group of AA.

4. If after being for a while truly separted and both having worked on their issues (points 2 and 3) and you both still want to have a go with each other, start dating each other.

5. If the dating goes well, think about marriage or partnership counseling together, to work out your joint issues.

6. If he does not go for counseling, never stops drinking or restarts the drinking, quitt and move on.

7. Be aware that an alcoholic will have to stay completly dry, even one sip of booze will set an alcoholic on the downward path again.

8. It might help if you yourself are willing not to drink at all, at least for the next couple years. Its easier to overcome the social pressure of having a drink when not doing it completly on ones own.

 

I wish you all the very best.

[Kat]

I was stupid enough not to go to the police when I was raped by my ex b/f. He got away with it, and still claims to this day he never did it. He was drunk at the time and uses it as an excuse.

 

I have had my ex b/f in jail for domestic violence and he still hasn't learnt (hasn't contacted me in awhile which is good).

 

Leave. Now.

 

I have a 2 and a half year old daughter with my ex b/f and I left just before she was born.

 

If you need any help I am here. I have been though it!

[queenpamrules]

km,

 

after years of being in a abusive marriage, someone told me that " i deserve better". i thought what do they know???? when this guy isnt drinking or mad hes a great guy. i am pretty sure you know that no one has the right to call you names or hit you. i know what its like to live with a drunk, a liar, and a"woman beater"! there are a zillion men out there who will treat you in the way you should be treated! i know that you say " you love this guy" and i"m sure you do! i still love the two "losers that put me through "hell". but, i am much happier now knowing that i have a great man, who treats me like a "queen" who doesnt hit me or call me names. by the way k.m...... that person who told me "i deserve better" was you!!!!!!! thank -you!

now, take your own advice and move on!!!