Marriage nearing it's end.... !

[ElvenPriestess]

Ok, I'm not sure if it's best to start back and work forward or the other way around. So I'm going to start back and work to the present. This may take a bit, thank you for your patience.

 

I think the first time I had a real issue with my husband is when we were engaged. He had called me by his ex's name, and it urked me quite a bit. This is because when I met him he said he was with someone, but not really because he was going to break up with her, had planned to for a long time. The reason why being called by her name got to me is that he lied to me about leaving her and in fact he slept with me while he was still with her. I didn't find out until later of course. He had also slept with her only a month and a half before he met me. They live in separate states. I didn't know that until very recently.

 

But moving on I think the next big thing was, also while we were engaged, he went to visit home. Yes, that's where the ex lives, but I do NOT believe he saw her. My sister in law who I'm very close to confirms that. In any case he DID however reveal a secret to his friend's girlfriend. He told her, while online and drunk, that he has sexual fantasies about her, and has thought often about "what it would be like." Now for some reason he told me the very next day. I was deeply hurt but chose to overlook it.

 

So moving forward we get married. Now in the very beginning of our relationship I made clear my zero porn tolerance, I asked if that would be an issue. He agreed and said he had no problem with that. So I dropped it. He even wanted me to witness him throwing the stuff out for some reason.

 

Two months after marriage he asks me to sell my car, leave my career, and my home, to follow him for his career. I give EVERYTHING up I had, and gladly for the one I love, and I followed.

 

So 2 months after being married I was asleep and he was on the computer in a hotel room. Transition to getting a home in the new place. He decided that, while I was not two feet from him asleep, he'd go look at porn. He didn't tell me about it either. I woke up, and I saw the monitor turned from my view, and I just had a gut feeling. Sure enough, there was porn accessed, and he was in the shower. So I knocked on the door. I asked him if there's anything he'd like to tell me, that we should talk about. He said no, so I told him what I'd found. He said it'd been the only time since we'd been together, he was sorry, and said he wouldn't do it again. He even used the excuse that he wanted to look up nude women that remind him of me. While I as sleeping right next to him.

 

Ok, so that was that. I was hurt, lied to, but I overlooked it. Now about two months later, he left his myspace account up, and left the room (on my computer, he does not have his own.) I looked and found he had been in contact with an ex of his, talking inappropriately about their past relationship, and about how hot she is. I asked him about it and, as we had both agreed to not keep in contact with our ex's, I wanted an explanation. He had none. But AGAIN promised to never do it again.

 

So about one month later I find on my computer access attempts on a porn site. He denies it was him, but it could be no one else. Though I was in doubt I trusted him, and simply put up internet security. It is my computer after all, and I don't want that stuff looked up on it. Well about two weeks later I woke up to find him lusting after women in bikinis and other such attire on my computer, as he could not access porn. That's when it all came out.

 

He had looked at porn for years, every day, multiple times a day. And he'd done it through our entire relationship, engagement, and obviously our marriage. He had lied to me about it for a very long time. And he even did it while visiting home, same time he professed his feelings to his friend's g/f. He admitted to being addicted to porn and swore to change and to seek professional help. Naturally, after continuous lies, I developed a lack of trust. Now to the present.

 

He has seen a professional twice. That's all. And he still lies, though he's been more honest lately. A couple of days ago he found a picture of a girl who used to send him nude pics of herself. I was standing right there, and he got all sad and said he'd regretted how he treated her. I didn't want to hear about it of course, so I asked if he would object to getting rid of the pics. He's been unhappy for a few months now, and today, after a similar arguement he packed a bag and said he won't be back.

 

We haven't had sex in more than two months. He says he wants a divorce. Please, tell me. What am I to do? Where did I go wrong? I need answers. Badly. Help??

[Tripper]

Hello EP, there's a lot going on here. Underlying all the issues, I think the biggest one is trust. He seems to have broken it with his addictive behaviour and then lying about it.

His addiction to porn, while problematic, doesn't seem to me as the biggest issue. I'd be more concerned, at this point, about his contacting other women like his ex, the nude pics that were sent by another woman etc. It seems like he's not committed to your M; he wants the security M provides but still wants to do the things he did when he was single. This unfortunately doesn't fly and suggests that he's not at a maturity level needed for marriage. At this point you may consider asking him why he married you. You have nothing to lose and it may give you some insight.

He's finally admitted that he's addicted to porn. Addicts of any kind, lie, deny and profess to want change, but it is difficult. He may not really want to change. Porn fills a need, same as a drug. Many males look at porn, they're hard wired to the "visuals". Is that bad?? I'm not defending or endorsing porn, but the real conflict comes in that this issue hits you right in the "value system" that you have. You have zero tolerance for it and he's addicted. Tough to be married to someone who doesn't have the same values, be it how you spend money, how you raise kids etc..

I must ask, how long did you know him before getting married?? Didn't you discuss values related issues during this period??

 

Now he wants a divorce. Have you asked him why?? May as well find out.

 

I'm not surprised your sex life has deteriorated. With the trust issues you have, intimacy suffers and he seems to be withdrawing from you rather than facing the issues.

 

If you want to save the M, you both need to get to MC and have an honest and open discussion about these issues and come to some sort of a compromise..

[cj1988]

Ep, you are not the problem, he seems to have a bunch them, enough for the both of you. I, like you am also in love with an addict....not porn so much, although he likes, but drugs and alcohol and LIES as well. So, I know how hard it is to trust them.....it is a never ending searching through their stuff etc....it will make you crazy......men like this also cheat because of the addiction, so check that out as well.

 

 

All I can tell you is that living this way for 13 years is now old for me. We have been through too much and now I want off the roller coaster. I know you love him, I love mine.....but dont you want more for yourself now? Dont you want someone you can trust and do not have to watch over them as you would a child? Let him go, you will be much better off, he has deep issues and as it sounds is running from them or to them....maybe both!

[ElvenPriestess]

Funny you should mention these things. I in fact asked him yesterday why he married me, he gave me no answer. I asked him too why he's so set on divorce and he told me it's because I'm not the person he thought I was.

 

As far as time to discuss before marriage, yes. We definately went over all these things, I absolutely made sure we understood each other in all aspects of where we stand on things, and I THOUGHT had a firm understanding of each other.

 

I BEGGED him to get counseling together and apart if he wanted that, he said yes. Then never did it.

[ElvenPriestess]

And now I'm here, with him gone, who knows where, for who knows how long. So frustrating.

[ElvenPriestess]

Ep, you are not the problem, he seems to have a bunch them, enough for the both of you. I, like you am also in love with an addict....not porn so much, although he likes, but drugs and alcohol and LIES as well. So, I know how hard it is to trust them.....it is a never ending searching through their stuff etc....it will make you crazy......men like this also cheat because of the addiction, so check that out as well.

 

 

All I can tell you is that living this way for 13 years is now old for me. We have been through too much and now I want off the roller coaster. I know you love him, I love mine.....but dont you want more for yourself now? Dont you want someone you can trust and do not have to watch over them as you would a child? Let him go, you will be much better off, he has deep issues and as it sounds is running from them or to them....maybe both!

 

I've been worried about the cheating, though I would hope he isn't like that, he does disappear when he's upset and tells me NOTHING. I DO feel like I'm watching over a child! You hit that on the head. I'm sorry to hear we're in the same situation.

[Tripper]

And now I'm here, with him gone, who knows where, for who knows how long. So frustrating.

 

 

EP, if it were a perfect world and you could have what you want, at this point what would you ask for?? Do you want to stay married to this man??

[ElvenPriestess]

A perfect world? I'd want to go back to my life, be single again, and later in life find someone who REALLY connects with me and loves me. Ah, for simpler times.

[ElvenPriestess]

So pretty much this marriage has ended itself I'm thinking. I mean, there's no marriage left it feels like. We're room mates at best. I might just be delaying the inevitable.

[Tripper]

A perfect world? I'd want to go back to my life, be single again, and later in life find someone who REALLY connects with me and loves me. Ah, for simpler times.

 

EP, I read from your other post (Big O) that you're 23. That's way to young to be having this kind of crapola in your life.

You can't go back to your old life, but you can go forward. As painful as it seems, you may have to let this whole M go and do some healing, so you can meet the right person.

One thing I learned is don't beat yourself up. It takes 2 to make the M work, and while you've done much to try and make things work, your H doesn't seem to have the maturity to understand this. It sounds like he likes to cut and run at the first sign of adversity. Really, do you want to be a life partner to someone like this??

I understand your pain, having gone through marriage break up myself, but if you do the work, you really do come out better down the road.

[ElvenPriestess]

You've been there? I have a hard time because I never wanted to be a statistic, a divorce you know? And hate feeling like I made a huge mistake. What helped you get through those things if you don't mind my asking?

[cj1988]

Honey if you are 23 and going through this now, start over and have some fun. I am 41 and about to start over and be alone for the first time in my life and I am EXCITED as you know what. I am sure I will be lonely and sad at times, but I get to find someone I have looked for all my life and never met, ME ! So, get out there, make your move and let him go. Sorry, but he has major problems like my H and is only going to bring you down with him !

[ElvenPriestess]

You know what, you're right. I keep making this MY issue, and blaming myself, but I KNOW I have something to offer someone who will appreciate it some day. And congrats to you, cj, you have a strength that I am seeking.

[Tripper]

You've been there? I have a hard time because I never wanted to be a statistic, a divorce you know? And hate feeling like I made a huge mistake. What helped you get through those things if you don't mind my asking?

 

Boy does that resonate with me. I said the same thing; I didn't want to be a statistic.

I was married for 23 years and we fell apart the last three. Both sides at fault. I ended up in clinical depression, got medicated but what really changed my life was 2 years of weekly therapy. Oh yeah, and I read alot of self help books. That was 9 years ago. I totally changed my life. It wasn't easy, but I no longer wanted to live my old life. I am a much more "whole" person, more self-aware, have learned what is really important to me in life.

 

If you've never been to therapy, it's like someone holding up a mirror to your psyche and letting you find out the things about yourself you don't like. And empowering you to change.. It ain't easy, it's painful, but I'm much more balanced today. And it did help me through the darkest part of my life. Anyway that's my story.. Today I'm in a wonderful relationship with the most amazing woman, who has also done the "work".

 

EP, you are still young and resilient. You will survive and recover. But this is a great time and opportunity to think about what you want in a life partner. The qualities and the values that will mesh with yours.

 

A good start on a healing journey is to read "The Four Agreements". Small book but powerful if you can embrace the message..

[ElvenPriestess]

I really appreciate the advice of that book, I'm a big advocate of seeking therapy along with self-help as well. You have quite a story, you're a strong person. And I can imagine it being all the harder for your situation at the time then me with mine. You've given me things to think about, thank you again. I'm so glad I decided to post on this site.

[Tripper]

Good luck in your healing and journey... stay in touch...