Hurtling towards the clif.......

[Boyscout]

I don't even really know where to start, so please forgive me if this becomes a rambling stream of consciousness!

 

 

As background. I have been married for 10 years this July. We have a 2 year old who is the light of my life. As my screenname might imply, I have tried to be the model husband. I believe, although not perfect, i've come pretty close.

 

 

I have had ample opportunity to be unfaithful numerous times in the past (I'm in the military, and away from home in exotic places). I have never even thought about the possibility of infidelity. Until three weeks ago.

 

My wife and I have had relationship issues that I cannot fix. She tells me she doesn't like her body image. She doesn't feel comfortable with herself. She doesn't feel "sexy". I have tried all I can. To me, she is still beautiful. I complement her, I take care of our son so she can refresh, I even tried to work our with her. To no avail. As a result of her feelings, there is absolutely no passion in our relationship. I feel like a roomate, or good friend, not a husband. I'm not asking for wild,screaming sex nightly, just a passionate kiss or a longing touch (and yes, once and awhile the wild screaming sex!)

 

I have tried to discuss my feelings with my wife. I have told her how I feel, and how I miss being intimate and passionate. I have totally broken down in front of her and exposed how lonely and detached I feel. Her responses have basically been either "get over it" or " I don't know, maybe it will get better."

 

Then I met someone. Someone very special. She is beautiful, and intelligent, and warm. We have talked daily for weeks. And our talk has been leaning more towards that which I know is "inappropriate" at best. She makes me feel like I haven't in years. She has brought back passion to my life.

 

We are both schedulded to attend a meeting shortly at a location away from our respective spouses. We have talked openly and honestly about our feelings for each other AND the guilt we both feel about where our relationship is and is going.

 

I guess where I am rambling to is here: When we are together on this trip I don't know where things are going to go. I don't want to leave my wife. And I don't want to lose my son. But I need to feel alive again. I need to be more than a roomate.

 

Any advice?

[Tony T]

You do sound like a pretty super dude, one who deserves a wife who will give you more encouraging responses that she does when you confront her about these problems.

 

Spare yourself, your new friend and your respective families years of anguish, chaos, hurt, confusion, etc. Don't even think about a sexual affair.

 

Try one last attempt at marriage counselling. Then get out of your marriage if it can't be healed. A sexual affair can destroy any hope of getting back.

 

If you determine that your marriage is irretrievably disasterous in the passion department, get a divorce and be kind to each other. Your wife may have problems that could take years to work through....or the counsellor may get her through them pretty fast. You say you don't want to leave your wife....but you don't have a wife...you have a roommate, and a pretty sorry one at that.

 

If and when you and your wife part ways and arrange for suitable child visitation, then you should seek women who are NOT married and who are free to have a relationship with you.

 

Do you understand the pattern here. First you have a wife who has become emotionally unavailable...and you want to move over to a woman who is otherwise unavailable because she's married.

 

Don't screw up your life and get kicked out of the Boy Scouts. Take the high road, do what you can to save your marriage with professional help, and move on from there.

 

Those "oh so wonderful" feelings you have when you're with your new lover can turn to dog crap very quickly. You don't even know what heartache and problems are until you start having an affair with a married women...and you being a married man.......eeewwwwww!!!

[km82794]

I think Tony said it all. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. An affair will only make matters worse for everyone concerned.

 

It's not worth an ugly divorce and the possibility of a long drawn out custody battle over your son. You know this.

 

I can't think of anything worse than your child growing up one day and thinking "Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore because Daddy cheated on Mommy".

 

If it's meant to happen with this new woman, one day it will, but do it the right way. A man of your respectable standards knows which way that is.

 

You wife sounds like she has a bad case of low self esteem,

coupled with a poor attitude. I would get her some help with either books, classes or a counselor.

 

Don't let your winky make you compromise your morals.

 

Good luck!