what is love? baby don't hurt me! (aka damn exes)

[calvero]

Where to start.... well, I've been in a relationship with a great woman for 3 months now - I'm fairly inexperienced at this whole relationship thing, so I guess this would be my first "proper" relationship, which is why I'm fairly unsure about some aspects of it.

 

Let's start from the beginning... We met some months ago and started off as a nice friendship - we had the same interests, got along really well and such. I knew she was still getting over her ex, who according to her was a bit abusive and had some alcohol and drug issues. It wasn't a problem for me - we got closer as time went on and things turned into a relationship. Yay! However, recently I've started to worry about her and this ex of hers - they still keep in touch and she has told me he is very much in love with her. She says she has no feelings for him, but sometimes I wonder. I guess it's something I can't quite figure out, you know, the whole "why do women like *******s" thing again, but in this case it really puzzles me. Like I said, he was abusive towards her and she did not like it when they were together (who would?), so why are they still talking and why is she not saying to him that he needs to get over her?

 

She had the password to her email laying around, I came across it and even though I know I shouldn't have and I know it's bad and I really wish I hadn't, I still logged in and checked her email. The emails they send to each other usually consists of him complementing her, telling her she's beautiful, how he loves her, all the usual stuff men do when they want a girl. She does not tell me about this, she does not tell him to stop it. She tells him all about her life and everything that's going on, but does not mention she has a bf - me! Now, with my inexperience, I can't figure out if I'm wrong to be upset by this (and I do feel upset) or if this is normal between a woman and her ex. Maybe she's in need of attention, though I give it to her. Maybe she's being nice. I don't know.

 

All this happened yesterday and in the last email he sent, they discussed when they were going to meet up today. She smokes pot, he has pot, he sells pot, she needs pot. Fair enough. I saw the time they discussed and tried sending her a text around the time, just to see how long it would take for a response. Childish, I know. It took one hour, which is long for someone who sends responses straight away. I replied to it, and am still waiting one hour later. Of course, in my mind, they're busy shagging like horny rabbits right now, but I know that's probably not the case. It still makes me uneasy to know that they are meeting up and she did not say anything about it. I tried dropping a hint and asked her what her plans for the day were and there was no mention of it. Is this alright?

 

It feels like I can't trust her anymore... If she has "neglected" mentioning this, what else is there that she hasn't mentioned. Maybe I am overreacting to a minor detail, but in my mind it really feels like a lie and a warning sign that maybe things are going on.

 

Help, insight and suggestions are more than welcome - complaints about the post being too long are not

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Clearly you cannot trust her at all. It is bad enough that she stays in contact with her ex but worse that she makes it a point not to mention to him that she has a boyfriend. She is clearly disrespecting you and your relationship. From what you have written it seems pretty clear that this will probably end very badly for you. It is obvious that she has little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Harpe]

I suggest that you strongly pay attention to what Bryanp has said in his(?) post, because it is right on the money.

 

You are new to this whole dating thing so I will tell you right now, THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. THIS IS NOT MINOR. THIS IS A BIG FREAKIN' RED FLAG WAVING IN YOUR FACE.

 

Normal couples, in committed relationships do not sneak behind their boyfriends backs and go to their exes. This will hurt, but I will tell you right now, your 'girlfriend' has probably cheated on you, or at least thought about it very strongly.

 

Right now, just as Bryanp has said, you HAVE TO have respect for yourself, you must stand up for yourself, and you MUST end this relationship. There is no 'working things out' with this girl. There is no confronting her and throwing this in her face and then taking her back, because that will only LOWER her respect for you. She may act nice and good for a while (if she doesn't dump you herself), but it will be an act, and she will still see her ex and proabably start looking for another guy.

 

If you do not break up with her right now, THINGS WILL GET WORSE, and they will continue to get worse. You will feel like ****, and you will 'lose' the girl (though if you have only been going out for 3 months and this is happening you never really had her in the first place), and some respect that you had for yourself.

 

If you dump her, you will gain respect in her eyes, respect for yourself, you may be able to continue a physical relationship with her (Though you'd better not continue anything emotional - very hard to do for some).

 

So to summarize you can:

 

1) Dump her, feel bad for a bit, but know that in the long run you kept your dignity and respect. And then you can go out looking for another girl, and not waste your time with this one. Because you will 'like' another girl just as much if not more than this one.

 

2) Continue to date her, feel like **** because you know you cannot trust her, know you are 'sharing' her with another guy, know you deserve to be treated better, know she is not the girl you thought, and have her eventually dump YOU becuase she either gets back with the ex, senses your needyness and is put off, or any other number of reasons.

 

It is amazing how many posts there are like this on this forum...and everybody always gives the same advise: WALK AWAY.

The sooner you learn to put your ego aside and just walk away from bad situations and bad women, the easier things will be for you.

[Harpe]

I just realized that you said that you two started off as friends.

Please do not tell me that you were 'nice' to her, and by nice I mean listening to all of her problems with this guy, always being there for her, always understanding....Because if you were I will tell you right now that this 'relationship' was over before it had begun.

 

Having similar interests with a woman is nice in a LTR as it means you two are compatible on some levels, but it does not equate with attraction in the early stages of dating. There has to be something else there, and if you two started off as friends, that something else (physical attraction, sexual tension, whatever) may have been lacking.

 

Similarly, listening and trying to help women and their emotional problems is fine in a LTR (except emotional problems about other guys), but it is the absolute WORST thing you can do to if you want a girl to be attracted to you. Her telling you about her abusive ex SHOULD have been a problem for you at the time (not because you don't want to date a girl with an abusive ex (though you probably don't especially if she kept going back to him), but because if she was so attracted to you she wouldn't be talking about ANY other guys....).

 

Going through these trials and dealing with heartbreak is just a part of life that everyone goes through. Just make sure you learn from it so you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

[LoveLace]

Yea you shouldn't have snooped, but now that you have and know more than you did before...no choice but to react here. After what she's doing behind your back, your slip-up doesn't compare. I have a theory (only from observed experience) that abusive men are also basically con-men who know ways to manipulate someone in order to keep them in their lives. Whatever the case, she is clearly still attached to him in some way or another, and still his victim in a sense.

 

She will not honestly move forward until she properly handles this situation. "Properly" in my eyes means therapy and a completely cut-off of contact with the guy. She might be afraid to tell him she has a BF, or to leave her alone, maybe leading him on a bit makes her feel safe as he's in a "honeymoon" phase of an abusive pattern right now.

 

She probably at least needs you as a friend (if you wish), at this time, but it's probably not a good idea to try and continue it as a healthy relationship...it can never be that if she doesn't detach herself and work through emotions that this could have caused.

[Cobra_X30]

She smokes pot, he has pot, he sells pot, she needs pot. Fair enough.

 

A** for Grass?

 

I dunno. Personally, I'd keep her on the backburner while I started looking for a girl who doesnt have a dealer!

 

I know your new at this... but when a chick has a dealer... that's 99% of the time a bad sign... especially if the dealer is her ex!