i just found out that i'm insane

[spooty]

and, it's true.

i'm excessively jealous, possessive, irrational, and paranoid. in fact, pretty much the only thing that motivates me is my paranoia. i have very few friends because i don't trust anyone, and the ones that are my friends i always think they are competing with me or otherwise trying to one up me, or hate me or... some other crazy thought.

this describes me to a t.

http://www.ptypes.com/paranoidpd.html

some parts i went over and thought "nah", but when i read it again i remembered times when i did those things and it was true, all of it.

i just broke up, and it was because he realized that i'm crazy. he said "wow i never thought i'd be with a person like that"

i feel like i have sane thoughts, but then i have an irrational one and it snowballs. like today my bf said

"when is your first final?"

"thursday"

"oh that's too bad"

my first thought was the right one, maybe he's wondering when to give me my christmas present? then the second thought he's planning something. then i heard my roommate on the phone talking about thursday (thought it was only with her girlfriends) and i went delirious with rage, and when the bf came over to watch tv with her because they like the same show, i don't know... i lost my mind thinking they are in love and just want me out of the picture. of course i kept it in and just confronted him about hurting my feelings and stuff, and he eventually determined that i'm nuts and broke up. the thing is.... when he said that i had never felt so exposed and so myself. i felt like he was seeing the real me, and i was too, for the first time, and it was scary.

 

how do i just turn my brain off! i have a rational thought and an irrational one, deep down i know which is right, but the irrational one starts snowballing with all these paranoid possibilities until it's all i can think about.

 

i think i just need a really good hobby to get immersed into and to keep my mind busy. i paint, all that does is relax me, while my mind can still wander. right now i'm holed up in my room because i'm afraid my roommates will find out i've broken up and make a big deal and then discover i'm crazy!

 

any advice? any other crazies out there?

[JamesM]

So how do you plan on "curing" your insanity? Do you want to live with it or do you think it is wiser to see a therapist and perhaps take some medications?

[spooty]

i don't want to take any sort of drugs, prescribed or not, i really don't see that being helpful. the only thing i'd take is an anti-anxiety.

i really don't want to see a therapist, but i probably should. since i just found out about this, i'm going to make a conscious effort to change. so far whenever i want to do something crazy i've done 20 sit ups. i think what's most important is that i recognize the actions that i do that are based on paranoia and stop them.

my ex said that over january i should just take the time and work on my personality, and just "fake it til i make it" and turn into someone i want to be.

 

i need to find a hobby that keeps my brain engaged, i paint but that still lets my mind wander, any suggestions? maybe writing? i'd like to find something more meaningful to do, any ideas?

[Tony T]

i don't want to take any sort of drugs, prescribed or not, i really don't see that being helpful. the only thing i'd take is an anti-anxiety.

i really don't want to see a therapist, but i probably should. since i just found out about this, i'm going to make a conscious effort to change. so far whenever i want to do something crazy i've done 20 sit ups. i think what's most important is that i recognize the actions that i do that are based on paranoia and stop them.

my ex said that over january i should just take the time and work on my personality, and just "fake it til i make it" and turn into someone i want to be.

 

i need to find a hobby that keeps my brain engaged, i paint but that still lets my mind wander, any suggestions? maybe writing? i'd like to find something more meaningful to do, any ideas?

 

Self diagnosis is absolute insanity. There is no way of your knowing exactly what your problem may be until you are examined and tested. Anxiety medication will not affect paranoid disorders if that's what you have. You need to be under a doctor's care. If you can't afford medical attention, there are places in your community where you can get it for free.

 

There are hundreds of diseases, mental and physical, with the same symptoms. Putting up an Internet link to something you think you have is not at all impressive and not smart either.

 

STOP thinking that you have all the answers. Get professional help. I also think it's not the best thing for you to come to an Internet forum and ask total strangers who have no medical training and who wouldn't know you if you were standing in front of them what you ought to be doing with the medical and chemical imbalance problems you have. The only way you're going to get to the bottom of your situation is to see a licensed, competent medical professional. PERIOD!!!

[blind_otter]

Although you seem reluctant to do so I would recommend seeing a competant, qualified mental health professional to get an actual diagnosis.

 

I avoided long term therapy for years, bouncing from therapist to therapist without getting any real benefit because I wasn't ready to help myself. When I finally faced my fears and started seeing a psychiatrist who specialized in my issues of concern my life took a turn for the better. I take medication and I am happy for the first time in my life. I'm no longer depressed, anxious and paranoid. I can't believe I waited until I was 27 to do something about my problem. I used to walk around calling myself crazy, but to what end? Trying to help yourself is often like walking in circles. You're too unfocused and unable to see the reality of your situation, and doing sit ups is not the best coping mechanism.

 

Ultimately, you'll do what you want to do. But if you really, truely want to get better you need the help of a licensed professional. I hope you take that to heart.

[whichwayisup]

I agree, you can't self diagnose yourself and say yes, I'm insane.

 

See a Dr and get diagnosed that way, and yes, I completely understand your apprehension of taking meds, but if you are insane and having problems, medication will make you feel better and so will therapy. The combo will help you deal with those obsessive and negative thoughts.

[Florida]

Sweetie, I've read your older posts a bit, I'm not sure if other posters here have, with all due respect- you seemed to be in deep denial about the fact that your BF was moving on from you to your roomie.

 

It hurts me to see you have come up with this self diagnosis of paranoia therefore you now validate him breaking up with you.

 

He broke up with you because YOU SAW CLEARLY WHAT WAS GOING ON AND CALLED HIM OM IT!

 

So rather than face that you were treated badly, you say "I am crazy and he saw it"

 

How convenient for him, to come over to your place and ditch you to hang with your roomie then say you brought it on yourself by getting upset over it. So many people on here have been telling you this, I am more worried the deep level of denial you have put yourself in.

 

Did you know that people who are lied to and decieved on an ongoing basis begin to manifest the personality traits of disturbed people?

 

I know this hurts but he didn't break up with you because of that, he simply wanted to end it to be with your roomie.

 

Can you find another living situation fast? Because soon you will start to hear them in the room next to you, and you'll be living with this roomie who is now with your BF and you'll know what hell is if you don't take care of yourself and EXIT NOW>

[spooty]

that's the thing, he's not moving on to her! it was all in my head! they never really excluded me from anything they did together! and when i said that i was mad when he hid his horseback riding he said "you'd only be happy if i gave you a total play by play of my life!" and well... yes!!! i really begin to lose trust when he's out of my sight, even though he's never done anything to deserve me not to trust him. if you look at what they were doing and you look at how i was feeling i was totally out of it. when we broke up he said "if you need me to i'll not come over to your apt for any reason, and i'll stop talking to anyone that knows you" of course i made it sound reasonable in my other post because i was injecting it with the sensationalist feelings i was having.

like the bananas... he said "i didn't get them to get you to let me in to see your roommate, i got them because you bought me a chicken yesterday, all that other stuff was just in your head, stop thinking!" then he just looked at me like i was crazy.

 

he said that i've become uninteresting, and it's probably because my jealousy and paranoia have taken over. he said my roommate is interesting, but like most people she won't be forever. of course when he said he hung out with her because she was more interesting than me and that's all that mattered my emotions were enflamed. he said i used to be the most interesting person he ever met, but now my personality has gotten so negative and one dimensional. he said the jealousy and possessiveness has consumed me. he stayed with me while i was boring, but he says now that he sees how irrational i really am, that he can't stay with me.

[annieo]

Baby, welcome to the human race!! We all have thoughts like this, at one time or another. We all have off the hook internal voices that say the most outrageously counter-productive things. I am assuming you are young, still in school (college? university?) That was the most insecure time of my FREAKIN' LIFE! I can remember sitting in lectures at university, barely able to keep myself from blurting out obscenities and running out of the room. I remember accusing my boyfriend of being unfaithful because I thought (thought!!!) the ceiling of his apartment was painted grey, the same colour as my female friend's apartment walls (yes, I had been drinking).You're on the cusp of adulthood, what are you going to do with your life, yadda, yadda, yadda! It's a lot of pressure, a lot of unknowns.

It will pass, you will mellow, and you will realize that your "craziness" was just a sensitivity to life, to experiences. Ease up on yourself, realize that NOBODY is normal, and the REAL crazies are the people who think they have it all under control. You are just in touch (perhaps more in touch than you'd like) with your feelings. Give yourself a break!!!!

[Yosef]

Learn to start building trust. That's an effort you should be making already. Once you manage that, paranoia should begin leaving. Once you can TRUST your friends, your peers, and your boyfriend, they'll be more comfortable around you. You'll be MUCH more comfortable with the world and be able to have the mindset to move on.

[LaughMachine]

you are not insane your just human.