hurtagain Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Hello! I am a newbie and in DESPERATE need of advice. I've been with this guy Chris for 5 yrs. I am 31, he is 39. He was with somebody before me for 13 yrs. and their relationship was rocky. He ended up leaving her for me. I know that this girl Chris used to be with still talks to Chris's father from time to time. Because of that, his father and I never got along and he could never accept me. Chris and his father don't really have a great relationship either and do not really see eachother. The other night I was over Chris's house and I thought it was strange when he told me that the following day he was going to go visit his father. I asked him why and he said that there was a few things that he needed to get off his chest and had to talk to him. The next day when I got to work, I went online and broke into Chris's phone account and looked at his phone record. I found a strange number so I called it. It was a company....but something told me to ask for this girl. My response? She wasn't working that day and call back tomorrow! My stomach has been sick ever since then. On Chris's phone bill, he called her on 11/18 for 6 minutes and on 11/28 for 15 minutes. When I confronted him and told him what I did and asked why he called her, he totally flipped on me! He told me that his father gave her his phone number and she left a message on his phone telling him that her mother is dying. BUT he said it wasn't her that he talked to at that number and that it was her brother that he talked to. Supposively her and her brother work at the same company. If he really did talk to this girl, I am okay with it because I know nothing is going on because she doesn't even live in the state we live in so it's not like he is cheating. Deep down I know it wasn't her brother he was talking to but my thing is, why couldn't he be upfront about it from the beginning and tell me that she called to tell him that her mother is dying? And did I really invade his privacy by looking at his phone records? I really need some advice so atleast I can sleep tonight. Hurtagain Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Yes, you did invade his privacy, of course you did. he might well feel that he couldn't face telling you because he didn't want to hurt your feelings... You need to really analyse why this is bothering you. Remember, emotions my be triggered by 'outside' factors, but we nurture, feed and encourage them within. How you feel is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I'm struck by how spot on your instincts were to break into the account then call the # and ask for her, but what prompted it? Why did you feel you needed to do that because he said he was visiting his father? Are you picking up more than this? What is the signifigance of him visiting his dad as alarm bells to look into his phone records? It's like you did not uncover much, but you had a bad feeling to prompt the investigating? Why? I feel you need to explore what is making you want to check his records-- I believe it is more impoortant to figure that out than the actual calls you revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Would I have done the same? NO! I respect my wife's privacy. Cheaters never prosper. In fact, they're self destructive. I figure if she's cheating, it'll eventually come to light.....I'll worry about it then. Life's too short to be paranoid over these things..... If I were your bf, I would've went ballistic over this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtagain Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 When he told me that he was going to his father's, there was certain guilt look about him. Since I know his father and this girl have a relationship it was a red flag for me. That is what prompted me to look into the phone records. She lives in PA, and when I saw the PA number on his phone bill, I called it and asked for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 While it would have been better for him to just fess up, I don't think you found anything meaningful. So he made 2 calls about a month ago to his ex of 13 years-who you have no indication he has talked to before that or since he left her for you--and he says he just called her because she told his dad her mom died. What are you freaking out about exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtagain Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 The calls were made 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure why I am freaking out. I think it has to do with the summer time when some girl was calling his phone. I noticed that when this girl called he would make up all kinds of excuses where he was instead of just saying that he was with me. When I asked him who keeps calling he told me that it was his friend's girlfriend. But never gave me a reason why his friend's girlfriend was calling him. One time when she called I heard him say "I'm sitting here with my sister in law." That really hurt me. I don't know if anything ever went on with that girl from the summer and maybe that is where my insecurity is coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Okay see I sense a lot of jumpiness on your part that was not making sense before, but now I see why you are so hyper vigilant. One time when she called I heard him say "I'm sitting her with my sister in law." This would go beyond hurting me, and would make me think something was going on most definitely. What did he say when you confronted him about that? I don't think I would need anymore proof than that, to be honest hurtagain.... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Breaking into my phone account would be enough for me. You'd be sitting at the curb with your belongings. "Girlfriends" have no right to invade their "Boyfriends" privacy. In fact it's against Federal Law. Wouldn't be a thing wrong with your "Boyfriend" calling the U.S. Attorney and bringing charges. Not that you'd go to jail, you probably wouldn't, there would be that nice felony on your record. You keep talking about "deep down you think". That's crap, you don't think deep down, you want everything now, and you want it your way. Again I hope your boyfriend has the inclination to blow you off. Your not worth the effort! Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Okay see I sense a lot of jumpiness on your part that was not making sense before, but now I see why you are so hyper vigilant. One time when she called I heard him say "I'm sitting her with my sister in law." This would go beyond hurting me, and would make me think something was going on most definitely. What did he say when you confronted him about that? I don't think I would need anymore proof than that, to be honest hurtagain.... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Breaking into my phone account would be enough for me. You'd be sitting at the curb with your belongings. "Girlfriends" have no right to invade their "Boyfriends" privacy. In fact it's against Federal Law. Wouldn't be a thing wrong with your "Boyfriend" calling the U.S. Attorney and bringing charges. Not that you'd go to jail, you probably wouldn't, there would be that nice felony on your record. You keep talking about "deep down you think". That's crap, you don't think deep down, you want everything now, and you want it your way. Again I hope your boyfriend has the inclination to blow you off. Your not worth the effort! When did "girlfriends" begin to believe they had the right to pillage their boyfriends privacy, review their financial records, and invade their mail? This is a common idea here on LS. It's usually considered OK for someone who suspects something about their "boyfriend" (or rarely girlfriend) to break laws to find out what they think they need to know. What happens when they are wrong? How can the trust be restored? Can it be? It couldn't be for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtagain Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 Gee, thanks Lakeside Dream. You are just too polite...... Florida, when I confronted him in the summer he said he never said that. I WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE! Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 This is a case of your reality against his, a) you did hear wrong, he is innocent or b) he is deluding you and therefore is a shady guy Did you get to meet this girl? Who was she? Did she fade out? Why? I can talk it through with you, but it does not feel too good to be thinking the answer lies in either the extreme of A or B above. And in either case, he did not say you were there with him to her, which raises some red flags to me. I understand what Lakeside is saying, but a GF doesn't just up and break into her BF's personal stuff without being driven to that point to begin with. If people were more honest to begin with, most people would not go to that extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Florida, We all make choices in life, in relationships. If a person comes to the point of espionage, actually violating Federal Law in a BF/GF relationship isn't that relationship as good as over already? Time to move on? Instead lawbreaking, and privacy invasion are considered acceptable if someone "has reason" to be suspicions. That's just bunk. If the realtionship is more serious, an engagement or marriage the story changes somewhat. Cell phones and computers are community property in a marriage. As are auto's and the family home. Planting "bugs" in your own home may be unseemly, but it's not illegal. Understand please, I speak from experiance. My now ex wife (25 years marriage, 7 years divorced) carried on an affair with a high school lover for 23 years on and off, of our marriage. She was reasonably carefull and I never knew. She had a few other short term affairs, I only suspected her once. We moved to and lived in a small town, I never followed her, or went through phone records (pre cell era) or examined financials. I trusted her, we had an important job to do. We had children to raise, nuture and protect. I respected her privacy. Am I sorry I didn't find out?.. no. Had I known our children would have grown up with a part time dad. What I am sorry for is marrying her in the first place, second not going through with a divorce during rocky times before the children were born. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtagain Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 Just wanted to update...... Chris and I talked lastnight. I apologized to him and told him that I was sorry for invading his privacy. He did tell me that it was his ex's brother that he was talking to on the phone and, yes, she did jump on the phone too and they did talk. She pleaded with him if she could see him and he told me that he told her no because it would cause too many complications between him and I. I told him that I appreciate his honesty and from this day forward to please be upfront with me. He then asked me where my insecurities come from and I told him that I think it stems from the summer time when that girl called his phone and he said that he was sitting with his sister in law. He told me that he never said that to her and I just ended the conversation then and there because it would have escalated into another argument.......(but I know what I heard). BTW Florida, the girl ended up fading out of the picture as far as I know..... He also asked me if I would be willing to go with him to his ex's father's house so he can go see him before he does die. I told him that I would go with him. Just give me the day and time and I would be more than happy to go. I don't know if I will ever get over that phone call in the summer time. I think with that always being in the back of my mind that know I am overly suspicious. I will never find out if he referred to me as his sister in law but I know what I heard, I am not deaf, but I'm going to have to try to let that incident go..... Thanks for listening and giving me guidance to see that I really did invade Chris's privacy. I needed to talk to people who don't know me or Chris to really see if I was wrong or not and, again, thank you for making me see that I was wrong. Hurtagain Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Lakeside, you do put it in a new light by bringing up the illegality issue, and seen from there it does look even worse. I think it is justifies when you DO find something that would prevent you from wasting years of one's life with said person. But if nothing is found, that makes the looker look very bad. Especially if the relationship continues. hurtagain, I can tell you there were a fwew times I thought I heard someone say something they didn't. I recall once sitting with an ex (quite awhile ago) and his family with my family. I said something and i thought i heard his mother say "tell her to shut up" I was so shocked but it seemed so unlike his mom to say anything like that. So I kept quiet because I wasn't sure. I asked my parents later, and they were shocked at me! She had never said that, she said something totally different and not insulting at all. Another point-you never mentioned who this girl from the summer was though, or what the context was, but keep us posted if you need to talk! Link to post Share on other sites
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