confused about long time relationship

[honest]

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. we have a 5 year old son and were planning to marry this year. We have been in our own house for a year.

 

we have both been unhappy for a while and are slightly victimised by our circumstances, work etc.

 

I do love him but I have problems fancying him anymore - I never make advances towards him sexually and dont seem to have any type of libido at home.

 

I have started to think the grass may be greener and am SO confused as what to do.

 

I know he loves me and would do anything for me, but he seems to have trust issues which we have talked about and I think he could probably overcome. Its just that I really dont know whether I want out or not. Im not sure if I can give him back what he deserves but I may be making the biggest mistake of my life.

 

It seems easy to say lets get back together and hard to move on - but I dont want to be selfish and I know he thinks I am being. Im 30 and need some independance but still dont want to break up my family

 

please help

[luvmyboys]

If you didn't have a child together, I'd say you should probably live apart for awhile so you could be independent in your own right and do your own soul searching.

 

You don't say why he has trust issues with you or if your libido loss is only when your with him, but if you feel that way now, you won't feel any different if you do marry so I suggest putting that on hold.

 

Perhaps you both would benefit from counseling or just go by yourself. It's only natural to think the grass is greener on the other side, but often times, it's fun for awhile and then you miss the comfort of the stability you once had.

 

Only you can make that decision, but from what I've read from your post, marriage shouldn't even be considered at this time so why do it? How would life change if you married him? You are already living together and have a child so why rush into something you aren't sure of?

[honest]

you are right. we have had a talk and have decided to separate. it is so hard and my feelings change everyday - from 'yes I havd done the right thing' to '**** - what am I throwing away'

 

The trust issues are really a form of over-protectiveness, he does it all for the right reasons but he just should trust me. I have never given him any reason not to.

 

He keeps sending me texts saying he misses me and I know he really cant understand why this has happened. we both thought we would be together for life.I cant even think about what it would do to our son. and where its going to leave me.

 

I am a freelance writer and have always been supported by my partner. htat would have to change for me to afford my own house with my son.

 

Im scared of embarking on something that I may regret.

I do love him, and I cant bear to think of my life without him, or even him being in someone elses life - but the spark has definately gone out.

[witchbreed]

You say you really love him, but the spark has gone out.

 

Since I have children myself, I have some questions. Since you are parents of a 5 year old, there is a lot of parenting going on. Do you besides the raising of the kid, the work and the household have still quality time with your partner? On your own?

 

I have split from the father of my kids 5 1/2 years ago and am now in a very happy rl since two years. Every other weekend my kids spend with their dad and they spend vacation time with their dad and with my parents too. Therefore we have our couple quality time every other weekend - usually we go away with our camper - and we do spend at least one vacation on our own. So we are not just parents together but still a romantic couple.

 

You said you separeted for the time being, but that you both still love and miss each other. Why dont you date each other. I am sure you can find someone to look after your kid, friends or relatives. Sometimes one looses libido for all the parenting, at least in my generation (I am 41) we mostly cant imagine our parents to have a sexual relationsship and sometimes this subconsiously makes our libido disapear, we are mothers now!

 

If you do get together again, please try to plan regular quality time together. At least one weekend a month, better two, that you spend without the kid, be that away or at home. At least one evening a week besides, be it to be comfy at home, go for a nice walk or to wine and dine. And dont forget, that each of you will need some quality time on their own, say each of you has a night off, you might go out with friends, since you like to go out and he might want to stay home on his own one night or whatever.

 

Maybe counseling or mediation could help you, to find a way to each other again and maybe finding some compromises about your liking to go out and his homebodyness.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[honest]

I appreciate your advice.

 

Unfortunately I cant help thinking that it is too late to start the quality time thing. I have asked forever for him to make time for me, he has only just started trying after 8 years...I have issues inside that only time can heal and i am praying that is possible.

 

He is selfish at times - like most men and that has started to rub off on me. I became wrapped up in my needs and wants because he didnt meet them.

 

Time is the only option right now. I think - if we dont rush into any decisions, time will have our answers.

 

the other main issue apart from trust was his family. His brother has never liked me and has always made my life a misery somehow. My partner doesnt stand up for me in the way he should - although I know a brother relationship is difficult. he is selfish, rude, uncaring and totally wrapped up in himself. I dont feel that my partner and I's relationship can cope if his brother and I arent talking.

 

I am not the sort of person that doesnt get on with anyone! I find it so difficult and I blame my partner for not seeing who I am and standing up for me.

 

its confusing! but Im sure time will heal

 

thanks again!

[zoecharlene]

He doesn't stick up for you?

 

That's not good at all!!

 

My boyfriend and I fight a lot about trust, but I would never let anyone talk **** about him and he would do the same for me.

 

I feel like that is a bond that two people share if they love each other.

 

What does he say to you when you complain about this?

 

I wouldn't marry him until you two seek counseling.

 

Now that you guys are apart you miss him a lot right? Well don't go back so easily. Make him work for your love, and when he does, put your foot down and tell him you won't put up with him not sticking up for you.

 

His brother will always be apart of his life, and if they're close they may fight for a little while if he sticks up for you but at least the brother won't talk **** to you anymore!!