zulu girl Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 I am really confused and want to sort this out before something bad happens, My husband and I met and started going out 5years ago, and have been married for 2 years and have 2 really beautiful kids together. I really do love him with everything I have, and remember falling for him because he was so nice and caring towards me, he really treated me well, and I felt we both really looked after each other. But it all seemed to change when I had kids, it seemed, he had a bad temper all of a sudden, and I didnt really matter anymore. If he has a problem, Im always there to do whatever it takes to help him, but if im the one with the problem, all i get is told to get over it. And I have always said, "if anyone hits me, Im out, not going to put up with that" but I do, because I do love him and want to make it work. Early this year he was up my ribs because I dont do anything, and he wanted me to get a job, so i found a partime job in the evening and weekends, when he is home to look after the kids (aged 3 and under) But now, I love my job, ive made freinds and just have so much fun, And now hes up my ribs because I wont quit. I feel now, that i just cant put up with it, and told him, he looked really hurt and said he would get help, he did start going to a counseller, but only went once or twice, I feel i have numbed to all of his bad behaviour, but I also feel that i have shut him out emotionly, Im starting to feel all on my own. He isnt very good to talk to about this as it seems to be all his way or the hiway, But I know for sure I love him, as I have thought and thought about it, at the times I have thought about leaving. But now there is a guy at my work who is so nice to me, he is a great guy and i havent spoken to him about any of this, but he is easy to talk to, and im starting to have feeling for him,I go all weak at the knees when i see him, like a school girl crush, but i know they are confused feelings. I do not want to cheat on my husband, I have distanced myself from the guy at work, as much as i can working with him. Sorry this is a book but i really need help! any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Yes, you two go to marriage counselling together and give it your best. I hope this marriage can be saved - Because of your kids. There's your reason for both of you to work hard to capture that love and respect for eachother again. As for the co-worker, STAY away from him and DO NOT tell him how you feel, ever! Do not let yourself fall for him as you know it is just because of the stuff going on at home in your marriage. Cheating will only cause you MORE problems and alot of drama in your life, which you don't need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zulu girl Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 I have no plan to tell this other bloke how I feel, I have no plans to tell him anything at all, I have too much respect for my husband, knowing that he works hard and is a good dad. but if my husband and I sort this out, will my feeling go away? Are they just because i feel im lacking attention? I feel truely awful. Ifeel sick all the time. but I cant talk to my husband he just wont hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 If I understand your post, you're saying your husband hits you? There is no excuse for that, and you were right in the first place - you shouldn't put up with it. Either your husband gets help and sticks with it, or you need to get out of there. He needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that if he ever hits you again you are gone! Even if you aren't concerned for your own well being, think about what your children will learn from being raised by an abusive father. It'll screw them up, and possibly ruin their chances of ever having normal relationships. As for this coworker, do not let yourself get pulled into an affair. I'm telling you this from personal experience. You feel that you are neglected, even abused, and your needs aren't being met - it's natural to be drawn towards someone who treats you well. But if you cheat, you're going to be countering your husband's big wrong with another big wrong of your own doing. And then when the divorce comes, it'll look like you were the bad guy all along. Give your husband whatever chances you feel he deserves to fix things (maybe none?), and if that doesn't work then get divorced. After that, anything's fair game. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 but if my husband and I sort this out, will my feeling go away? Are they just because i feel im lacking attention? The answers are "probably so" and "definitely". I feel truely awful. Ifeel sick all the time. but I cant talk to my husband he just wont hear it. If he won't listen, then you need to make him. Sometimes this means having one foot out the door. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zulu girl Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 Everytime I leave or he leaves, he is always perfect when he or i come back. I am i right in thinking that he will never change ever, and i am to decide if i can or can not live life this way, as im starting to think there has to be a point where enough is enough and you stop going in circles. I know he is a screwed up person, he has too many issues with his up bringing and things like that. I was thinking of saying go and dont come back until he has got help to sort that out, im just really, really upset, i cant see myself with out him Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 but if my husband and I sort this out, will my feeling go away? Yes, because that affection and that need that is missing from your marriage will be taken care of by your husband and you won't feel the need to get that from your co-worker. THAT and telling yourself that you do NOT want the co-worker and you make yourself get over the crush feelings. You might benefit from going to counselling on your own so atleast you can talk it out with a therapist. Just encourage your husband to do the marriage counselling, show him that you DO love him but he has to meet you half way if things are going to work out. im just really, really upset, i cant see myself with out him Another reason to end this new found friendship with the co-worker. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 You might benefit from going to counselling on your own so atleast you can talk it out with a therapist. Just encourage your husband to do the marriage counselling, show him that you DO love him but he has to meet you half way if things are going to work out. If he's hitting her, then I think he's the one who needs to see a therapist. This goes way beyond marriage counseling, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
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