Just wed and considering divorce

[rumrumuru]

This is really, really long ... I've had too much on my mind for a long time and no one to talk to ...

 

I'm newly married, only a two and a half months, and things haven't been going well. I'm living in a big city in a foreign country (we just moved here after getting married) and am unable to work while my 'papers' are being processed. The cost of living in our city is really high and my husband is always giving me a hard time about any money that I spend on anything from potatoes to paper. I'm finding it really hard to meet people besides my husband's friends and I've got no one to talk to in person. I feel like I can't call my friends back home, who are ecstatic for me and my new marriage, and tell them that things really aren't that great ...

 

A couple of weeks ago, my husband went to a bachelor party and came home reeking of perfume. He told me he'd had a good time and that the bachelor had had lots of lap dances. I asked him if he'd had any and he said that he couldn't lie ... he'd only had one and that it was bought for him. Apparently, he had made it really clear that he found this one stripper really attractive so this is why his mates got him one from her.

 

I was devastated. We'd only been married for six weeks and he's already getting a lap dance?! I think the fact that I could smell the perfume all over his shirt and trousers just made it worse. He was really blaise about the whole thing, saying that "When you go to a movie, you see the movie and when you go to a strip club, you get a lap dance." I told him that he was married now and that I didn't think he should be doing that. We've always had a "look but don't touch" policy. I knew he was going to a strip club that night but I trusted that he wouldn't do anything more than just 'look.'

 

Anyway, I was completely furious. I screamed things and threw stuff. I don't think I've ever been that angry before in my entire life, and I don't ever want to be that angry again, especially not about a stripper. But I feel like my husband disrespected me and our new vows and it makes me think, "Is this a warning sign?" I mean, if he's doing this now, what's he going to be doing a couple years down the line when we have a few kids?

 

After I calmed down, we talked. He thought my reaction was way out of line, but he said he respected my feelings. He knew I wouldn't like it but he didn't know that it would hurt me that much. All his married friends wives (he didn't mention any names) are OK with their husbands getting lap dances, and he was really surprised that I'm not. I felt like he was trying to make me feel like I was being unreasonable for asking him to not have lap dances when at a strip club.

 

Things were bad for a while after that. We tried to act normal but everything was weird. We fought some more, and I know things took a toll on him. Then I just got tired of being angry, decided to trust him and put the whole thing behind me. I sat down and wrote him a really long letter telling him how I felt about him, recalling the good times we had together and wanting to get on with our lives and have more good times.

 

He was really happy to receive the letter, but then he had a confession to make: he didn't have just one lap dance but four (two of which he paid for himself with the same stripper). He said that during the first lap dance he felt weird, but that 'the seal had been broken' so why not? He decided to tell me only one at first to see how I would react and then he would tell me about the other three later(?!)

 

I was hurt again to find out that he lied to me, but appreciated that he told me the truth when he could have gotten away with it.

 

But I find it really hard to believe he thought nothing was wrong with what he'd done. If that were the case then he wouldn't feel the need to lie. The fact, too, that I get scoffed at for buying an 'expensive' $5 pack of recycled paper from Staples when he's got money to blow on lap dances just doesn't seem fair. I feel like my husband, now that we're married and I'm financially dependent on him and unable to leave the country while I'm being 'processed', is completely taking me for granted.

 

Plus, he later fessed up that the real reason for him telling me about the other three was because we were going to a party the next night with the other bachelor party goers and he was afraid that someone might say something to give him away. (So, his confession was more about his own self-preservation rather than his respect for me.)

 

I'm really disappointed and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to trust him again, but I don't want to end our marriage after just a couple of months?

[ElvenPriestess]

Wow, you have no idea how your story is like my story. Check out my thread "Marriage nearing it's end...!" if you want more details. I too left my career, and everything else to move temporarily out of the country for his career. And he didn't confess anything until I caught him and it was all after we were married and moved. So I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

The thing that is hard is that he seemed to tell you only after he was afraid of someone else telling you first, as you said. It will be hard to trust, as is in any case of deceit. This really falls on him, who, if he really loves you, he will do everything in his power to earn back your trust.

 

And you're right, what he did is not appropriate and is completely out of line. If he understands this than he should agree not to go to strip clubs anymore, as more seeds of doubt and suspicion might crop up. It's hard, but if you both agree it's worth it, you can work together to overcome this issue.

 

On another thread I stated "It's you and the problem vs. him" while it needs to be "you and him vs. the problem." He needs to realize that he has violated you. You are the person he is intimate with, and any act such as the one he committed, though not actual sex, violates you because he has allowed someone else to be that way with him.

 

It violates your marriage, your vows, and your trust. Ask yourself if the marriage is worth it, then tell him what you need from him to build back the trust. I moved away two months after I was married as well. And I can tell you now, 7 months later, it's still VERY hard. We argue about things that stem from the original problems.

 

All I'm saying to you is that if you BOTH have a clear understanding of what must happen, it can be worked on. But you're also right that he has no right to get on your case about buying a household need just for him to turn around and pay for a lap dance. Completely unacceptable. I had a career that made it so I was financially independent. I gave that up to be here, so I know that it makes things tough as well.

 

Just talk to him, sit him down and draw the line in the sand as they say. Let him know he was out of line in multiple ways and that this sort of behavior can never happen again. I wish you the best of luck.

[quankanne]

All his married friends wives (he didn't mention any names) are OK with their husbands getting lap dances, and he was really surprised that I'm not. I felt like he was trying to make me feel like I was being unreasonable for asking him to not have lap dances when at a strip club.

 

what a crock of bullshxt. Next time he says something assinine like this, calmly tell him that you'd like the numbers of those wives so you can get it straight from the horses' mouthes

 

time to lay it on the line with him – I don't think you've got problems that can't be worked out, but you do need to establish groundwork here. Like what constitutes frivolous spending (groceries versus lap dances, etc) and how to fight fairly. And being truthful.

 

there are different marriage enrichment programs offered by church and secular outfits that give you the tools for a healthier marriage. My husband and I did a Marriage Encounter Weekend offered through the church; here in East Texas I've been seeing ads for a program called "We Vow Now" that sounds pretty much like the same thing, but less church-oriented. You might want to consider something like this, not because he's "bad" and you want to fix him, but because you want to give your marriage every bit of proactive help you can find because you've got a vested interest in it.

 

best of luck to you, and keep hanging in there – things calm down once you get accustomed to the idea that marriage is about the both of you, not him or her.

[quankanne]

just a little something from the "WeVowNow" website that discusses marriage enrichment …

 

www.wevownow.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=54&Itemid=41

[Tripper]

I think you can resolve these issues but you will need to put aside anger and bring honesty to the table. I say this because you're just settling into married life and getting used to it.

 

You're husbands behaviour and subsequent lying was totally inappropriate. He has made vows to you and become a married man. And while married men may go to stag parties at strip clubs when their buddies get married, they do not indulge in lapdances. I don't consider it cheating but it just isn't appropriate.

 

Lying about it doesn't do anything to make you trust him. I understand his fear of telling the truth to you and hence the lie, but he's come very close to breaking the trust he has with you.

 

I think you both need to have a very frank discussion as to what expectations both of you have in marriage. What is permissible and what isn't. This isn't about me making a moral stance, it's about you setting boundaries as to what is acceptable to each of you. This includes behaviour and values about such things as spending money, raising children, time spent apart with friends etc. Granted this should have been discussed prior to getting married so that you can avoid stuff like this now, but since it sounds like you didn't, you should do this now.

[noirx]

Wow - your husband sounds like quite the control freak. He wants to control you by saying where and when $$$ can be spent. He wants to control what and when information about what he's doing can be shared. He needs four strippers to give him a lap dance. Sounds like classic insecurity and selfishness to me.

 

I agree with whoever posted above that his "everyone else is doing it" comment is complete bullsh*t. He has the power not to get lap dances (whether he buys them or someone else does) by saying "no thank you". I've been to strip clubs with friends and personally done this. It just takes a little thinking with the right head that you've gone from "me" to "we". And I'd absolutely second the statement the prev poster did. Next time he uses that as a reason, ask him for the phone number of these other wives who say it is OK and call them. I'd venture to guess that they are NOT OK with it (if their husbands have even told them). Also, ask him if he'd appreciate you going out drinking with your friends, and having some hot guy (better yet, 4) grinding all over you. I'd imagine his answer will be "Absolutely NOT". So, to be fair, either you both are into it and the door swings both ways or your're not. It's pretty evident that he would not

based upon the fact that this is situation that he can't control and would light up his insecurity.

 

I also call BS on him not telling you the whole story (and even moreso that he obviously did it to transfer guilt to you before the next time). There is no such things as secrets or "white lies" in marriage. Those kinds of things only breed resentment and, if I'm you, would always have me wondering if next lie was a white or a black lie. It errodes trust and that's definitely not a good path to go down.

 

Now, I have to tell you that I have a thread on here that I've been married about two months and my wife and I are having some serious issues (serious as in I'm about completely done and am miserable), so I'm not saying that I'm perfect or doling out advice from on high. It seems to me though, he needs to commit himself totally and passionately to your relationship through trust and see you as an equal or you need to be done. Before you wind up pregnant (like my wife now is) and it is 2x as hard to walk away from an unhealthy situation. Best of luck!!

[ElvenPriestess]

All his married friends wives (he didn't mention any names) are OK with their husbands getting lap dances, and he was really surprised that I'm not. I felt like he was trying to make me feel like I was being unreasonable for asking him to not have lap dances when at a strip club.

 

what a crock of bullshxt. Next time he says something assinine like this, calmly tell him that you'd like the numbers of those wives so you can get it straight from the horses' mouthes

 

I really like this idea. You should challenge that and talk to the wives, because I can't imagine a whole group of wives being comfortable with their husbands paying for that stuff.

[armywife915]

Why don't you suggest going with him next time and get a lap dance yourself? I know I couldn't handle it because I am WAY too jealous but maybe you would enjoy it together. I have had a lap dance and it is quite fun!