I contacted his exgf and caught his lies!

[Xbasscat]

Hello. I've been in a ldr (100 miles) for 3 years, and last weekend bf told me that his ex sent him a text a month ago stating she thought they were "soulmates." I asked if he told her that he had a gf, and he said that he did not respond to her except for 1 text asking if she was drinking. I told him that none of it sounded right and that I would contact her--giving him the chance to fess up to anything. He told me to go ahead. ( I had her screen name from a text he forwarded to me a few years ago from her)

 

Well, I IM'd her introducing myself. (So out of my nature to do something like that!!!) She had no idea who I was or that he had a gf!! (She lives 2 1/2hrs from him). She gave me her phone number and we talked for an hour!

 

I found out that they text each other every holiday, birthdays, special occasions and periodically. And the soulmate text was 3-4 mos ago, and she said they texted and talked for hours!!! They are just friends, but I'm so mad at him for lying to me!!! I feel so disrespected and deceived!!

He even texted her on Thanksgiving night when I was there!!! I confronted him asking him when and why, and his only response was "he forgot".

 

Now he is trying to spin this all around and say that he can be friends with whomever he wants.... I agree that he can be friends with people, but it's the lying and deceiving part that upsets me!!

 

Thoughts?

[Xbasscat]

We broke up. He said that he is mad that I contacted his gf. (then corrected to exgf) to find out "what a bad guy he is" and all I found was that he texted her. He won't even talk to me at all.

 

Was I wrong to contact her?

[Jilly Bean]

Yep, you were. He was keeping it from you, because though their friendship is innocent (from his side), he knew how you would react, and you didn't prove him wrong. I would have dropped you as well, because no one wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them, and would take it to that level to contact an ex-gf.

[norajane]

We broke up. He said that he is mad that I contacted his gf. (then corrected to exgf) to find out "what a bad guy he is" and all I found was that he texted her. He won't even talk to me at all.

 

Was I wrong to contact her?

 

No, you weren't wrong. He told you that you could. And now he's pissed that he got caught in all his lies because he never actually expected you'd have the guts to call his bluff.

 

He's a liar, a practiced one. His ex-gf didn't even know he was dating you for the last 3 years!! He's really, really good at hiding information that he doesn't want girls to know.

 

You're better off without him. You are long distance, and if he's lying about this, you have no idea what else he is lying about...like what other women consider him their boyfriend.

[Xbasscat]

Thanks for your input. Jilly Bean- your reasoning sounds just like him. But he justifies his actions by claiming that I'm lying and accusing me of keeping in contact with an ex because he called us on vacation last year. (and he refuses to acknowledge the message I let him hear from the ex-who I dated over 15 years ago! asking why I never return his calls even tho we've been friends for years!)

 

 

Nora Jane-I think you are right. --> He did tell me I could. I think he is mad because he never thought I would do it, and he got caught.<-- He even hung up on me when I told him I talked to her on the phone (the reason why I didn't pick up 17 calls in a row from him. I think he was in a panic.)

 

His stories were not adding up, and I only wanted to make it clear to her that he has a gf. He is trying to tell me that she is lying and that he did tell her about me last year. Unfortunately, he got caught in many lies in the whole process. and he "forgot" that he texted her on Thanksgiving.

[Jilly Bean]

Yeah, I just really disagree with that, I'm sorry. He wasn't hiding anything, and his ex-gf confirmed that. She never said they were seeing each other, or that anything had happened besides texting and a phone call or two. I understand you are upset that he didn't tell you he was still in contact with her, but do you think that may be because he knew how over the top you would react? Honestly, if I had a current BF who was the jealous type, I would not be fortcoming with my other friendships either, for fear of how he would react. Though I probably wouldn't be with someone like this to begin with. I don't think he hung up on you because he was in a panic - again, this girl didn't "out" him as doing anything besides sending texts on holidays and birthdays. I think he hung up because he was blown away you would actually go to the length of contacting her.

 

I just really think he hid this from you for fear of your reaction, and you pretty much proved him right, in that regard. Like both of you said - doing that did nothing - it didn't give you some great story of the love affair they'd been having behind your back for years. And also keep in mind - not everything she may have told you is the truth - if she still has feelings for him, she may have pumped up their communication to be more than it was. Im sorry - I wish I could support you on this one, I really do, but I dont think he was out of line, and I think you were totally in the wrong to be so mistrustful to go to the point to contact her. I hope in time you can see how this would make him feel - I'd be mortified that my SO of three years felt the need to do that. Bottom line, if you were really were that mistrustful of him to do this, then this is all for the best. Though ultimately, as was proven by both of them, nothing was going on anyhow...

[Xbasscat]

Thanks Jilly Bean. Your input is helpful because I just wasn't understanding his side. Trust has always been an issue with us- with both of us being equally to blame without cause. Truthfully, I never once thought that anything was going on with them. I just felt that he was lying to me about something and that's what I was trying to figure out. I did find out that he was lying and hiding things, even tho it is "minor" stuff.

 

I don't know why he would be so afraid that I wouldn't understand. He has put me in some tough situations, and I believe I handled them decently. We even hang out with his exwife at her house, and that includes after she confessed to me that she wanted him back!

[Jilly Bean]

Well, he was hiding their friendship. Why? I dont know. Im not there to see your dynamic. You may be giving him the jealous vibe without knowing it. Or, maybe he was afraid the ex would get crazy and contact YOU. Who knows. Plus, no one wants to be falsely accused. I suspect he didnt mention her because it wasnt worth the drama to him. And that is so sad, because now you guys are apart, and it seems so unnecessary, you know?

[Trojan John]

Friendship, my a$$. Tell me, what's likely to make your SO more jealous: you talking to an ex and being open about it, or you lying about talking to an ex? You don't hide the fact that you have a gf, or the fact that you're in constant communication with your exgf, nor call your ex a "soulmate" when you've been dating someone else for three years. Sure, she and he will both say "nothing's going on" when confronted, but actions speak much louder than words.

 

Tell you what, if this turns out to be nothing, I owe you a Coke.

[Florida]

No one should still be in contact with an ex who admitted to you " she confessed to me that she wanted him back!" -and he hid it from you. I wasn't sure what was up until I read that.

 

Especially omitting it from you (is this the same ex or 2 different ones) . This guy seems to have his hands too full of ex's he is in contact with.

 

You are better off overall that it happened this way.

[Xbasscat]

Trojan John--thanks. I had the same gut reaction as you, and that's what gave me the spine to contact her. I could see within the first year at the most, but not after 3 years. (Btw, She texted him and called him a soulmate. )

 

Florida-2 different people. Ex that wanted him back is an exwife and they share kids. If he wants her back, I will hand deliver him with a bow--that would be enough punishment to him. She is nice but looney. and yes, he does seem to have his hands full with people of the past. Is that a sickness in itself?

 

Today he called me and actually talked a bit. He said that I had every right to be mad that he didn't tell me about Thanksgiving text, but that he has done nothing wrong. He said he was honest with me about everything else. He also said he couldn't believe that I would believe her over him, but I reminded him that I caught him in a flat out lie! When I asked him why he returned a text on Thanksgiving, his reply was "I don't know". I asked if he was that unhappy with us that he was searching, and he said "no". I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

[Florida]

Hello. I've been in a ldr (100 miles) for 3 years, and last weekend bf told me that his ex sent him a text a month ago stating she thought they were "soulmates." I asked if he told her that he had a gf, and he said that he did not respond to her except for 1 text asking if she was drinking. I told him that none of it sounded right and that I would contact her--giving him the chance to fess up to anything. He told me to go ahead. ( I had her screen name from a text he forwarded to me a few years ago from her)

 

Well, I IM'd her introducing myself. (So out of my nature to do something like that!!!) She had no idea who I was or that he had a gf!! (She lives 2 1/2hrs from him). She gave me her phone number and we talked for an hour!

 

I found out that they text each other every holiday, birthdays, special occasions and periodically. And the soulmate text was 3-4 mos ago, and she said they texted and talked for hours!!! They are just friends, but I'm so mad at him for lying to me!!! I feel so disrespected and deceived!!

He even texted her on Thanksgiving night when I was there!!! I confronted him asking him when and why, and his only response was "he forgot".

 

Now he is trying to spin this all around and say that he can be friends with whomever he wants.... I agree that he can be friends with people, but it's the lying and deceiving part that upsets me!!

 

Thoughts?

 

At first this was too vague to pin anything down, but I try to understand what would have prompted an extreme reaction on your part, and what you found.

 

The fact that she texted him she was his soulmate-3 years into your relationship makes me think they were in fairly regular contact.

 

She had no idea who you were-he never mentioned you? So now he is lying to both of you.

 

The thxgvg text is by far the least of your problems with him.

 

When you spoke with him- what did he say about the fact she didn't know you were his GF?

 

What did he say about how much they have been in contact (he claims very little) and why he thinks she would out of the blue send him a "soulmate" message?

 

Did she give you any indication she thought there was hope for them to get back together?

 

On one hand-you don't know her incentive for telling you this-is she telling the whole truth? On the other-he has been lying and you don't know what is going on-but it doesn't look good in terms of trust or maybe even intentions on his part.

[Star Gazer]

I told him that none of it sounded right and that I would contact her--giving him the chance to fess up to anything. He told me to go ahead. ( I had her screen name from a text he forwarded to me a few years ago from her)

 

Seeing as you had secretly saved her contact information and he didn't give it to you during this conversation, I think it's clear that he was calling your bluff and didn't expect you to actually contact her.

 

Honestly, I can see both sides of this. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me either, period. On the other hand, you found out details that he didn't share with you. That said, why are you choosing to believe the exGF over your BF? Has she given you any proof? What makes you think that this exGF who sent him a text saying she thinks they're 'soulmates' isn't lying to you to get her hands on your BF?

[Xbasscat]

 

The fact that she texted him she was his soulmate-3 years into your relationship makes me think they were in fairly regular contact.

 

She had no idea who you were-he never mentioned you? So now he is lying to both of you.

 

When you spoke with him- what did he say about the fact she didn't know you were his GF?

 

What did he say about how much they have been in contact (he claims very little) and why he thinks she would out of the blue send him a "soulmate" message?

 

Did she give you any indication she thought there was hope for them to get back together?

 

 

The soulmate thing threw me, too. I don't think there is anyone that just texts that out of the blue.

 

When I asked him about why she did not know anything about me, I got 3 different answers: "It never came up", "I told her last year that I was with somebody", and "we never talk about personal stuff". LMAO about #3. I proceeded to tell him a few things she shared with me, and they were personal. I also told him that I consider "soulmate" to be personal. He says he has no idea why she texted that.

 

She gave no indication that she wanted to get back together, but she is single, and I believe the text was sent as a bait to see if he would bite.

[Xbasscat]

Seeing as you had secretly saved her contact information and he didn't give it to you during this conversation, I think it's clear that he was calling your bluff and didn't expect you to actually contact her.

 

Honestly, I can see both sides of this. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me either, period. On the other hand, you found out details that he didn't share with you. That said, why are you choosing to believe the exGF over your BF? Has she given you any proof? What makes you think that this exGF who sent him a text saying she thinks they're 'soulmates' isn't lying to you to get her hands on your BF?

 

Thanks StarGazer for your input. He knew I had her contact information, and I tried to IM her from my phone in front of him, but I couldn't get it to work. I believe that he never thought I would do it! He was even more surprised to find out we talked on the phone , and then made some snide remark about "Sisters" sticking together.

 

I want to believe him, but his stories are not adding up. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refused to talk to me, and just tried to blame me for everything. (My opinion is that is a sign of a guilty man) I don't know her at all so I don't know what she is capable of doing, but I do know that much of what she said is very likely, and she even gave examples to back it up. Unlike his vague responses and angry snaps.

 

He also claims that he does not have her number and has not talked to her in 4 years---again, another lie!! (men with bad memories really shouldn't lie:) He told me 2 years ago when they talked because he was going to go visit her small town to see a friend (this is a friend that also did not know about me until a couple of days ago because "they don't talk about anything personal", and he hadn't seen him in a few years) that had a heartattack. (What he did leave out tho was that she told him he could stay at her place!) He didn't go because I was furious that he was planning this visit on my birthday.

 

Let's take this lie a little further: he claims that he does not have her number in his new or old phone (He just got a new phone 2 months ago.) He does in the old one!!! under "J" but her name does not even contain that letter! (OK, I snooped. He kept leaving his phone in the car, and I got suspicious. There were no calls or texts, but I'm sure he would've deleted them.) I told him we would check it together. I can already hear his response: "well, I bet you still have your exes numbers in your phone!!" But it's not the point--why lie about it?!?!

 

These really are minor examples, but it breeds such mistrust. I'm not sure if he is up to no good or if he is just a pathelogical liar?!

[child_of_isis]

My Mother always told me...if you want to know anything about a man, ask his ex.

[Florida]

XBass- I read on another blog that some guy actually lists his new sidekick GF's under guys names so that his GF would not think anything if he recieved a call, and saw the cell display. That is the lowest of the low, where he started to play cat and mouse games with his GF like that, it was all about escaping detection at any cost.

 

He thought it was very clever of him-the guy who wrote that.

 

That your guy put his ex's name under an initial that is not even hers.....says a lot.

[LKPJ]

I found my BF's ex GF's email and contacted her for information. Turned out he was dating the both of us the entire time.

 

I had heard tons of stories from him previous to me contacting her, but they never added up.

 

All of the little things I was finding out turned out to be a whole nother relationship with her that I didn't find out about till I contacted her, but she wouldn't even tell me everything. And after double checking what she told me, some of the things I knew for a fact just weren't true.

 

I wouldn't trust him if he just keeps turning it around on you. It seems that he's just thinking that the whole issue is turning into a real pain by his responses.

[Spoonandfork22]

ok so i have a question regarding this whole situation since Ive been through it and have encountered both arguments throughout this thread.

 

My bf was also in contact with his ex, made it out like they didnt speak at all, then i speak with HER and turns out they talk pretttty often.

 

SO, what is the explanation of it all?

 

A: Im the crazy jealous gf who cant handle him talking to his ex so he justifies his lying bc of how i will react or

 

B: i was right to find out the truth because isnt there a reason you are hiding information from me?

 

IMO...I dont think fearing a partners reaction is a reason to lie or withold information. if you are asked, be honest. dont act like you are being stalked or bombarded with phone calls when you know its going both ways.

 

 

just my two cents.

[Trialbyfire]

If you are lying or lying by omission about an ex, you have something to hide. It's pretty straight-forward.

 

Innocent or otherwise, he's still lying to you and continuing to cover his arse by lying some more. I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could pitch him, which wouldn't be far considering how small I am...

[lovelorcet]

I can also see both sides to this. But it does seem like he was misleading you and you went on a gut feeling to find out more. I think in the end this is ok as you are protecting yourself. That being said I can also understand why your bf was kind of leading you on.

 

I was with my ex for over 10 (married for 3) years and I was very close with her family. For example I have known my ex's siblings since they were 6, 8 and 10 years old. I was like an extra big brother to them and I still care for them very deeply.

 

Now this is a bit awkward for my current gf but she is a very understanding woman. My ex's younger sister who is now 23 comes by regularly and gets along fine with my gf. I still have contact with my ex being; emails a few times a month and maybe seeing each other a few times a year for coffee or something. I have explained the type of relationship I have involving this ex to my gf and I leave it at that. I do not tell her every time I communicate with my ex but I also know I have nothing to hide.

 

It is really important for me that she trusts me and gives me enough space so that I can deal with things as I see fit.

[oppath]

Now this is a bit awkward for my current gf but she is a very understanding woman. My ex's younger sister who is now 23 comes by regularly and gets along fine with my gf. I still have contact with my ex being; emails a few times a month and maybe seeing each other a few times a year for coffee or something. I have explained the type of relationship I have involving this ex to my gf and I leave it at that. I do not tell her every time I communicate with my ex but I also know I have nothing to hide.

 

It is really important for me that she trusts me and gives me enough space so that I can deal with things as I see fit.

 

But (1) you are transparent in the general sense. It's not like you are hanging out for hours and while you don't tell your gf about every email, I get the sense you'd tell her about meeting your ex for coffee. (2) Your gf is visible. I assume your ex knows you are in a relationship, through her siblings at least, though she should know from your own mouth if you are hanging out with her.

 

In this case, the ex doesn't know about the gf, and they've been dating a long time. As far as I am concerened, if you are JUST FRIENDS, as soon as you talk to an ex, they should know you are in a relationship. That does not mean call them up out of the blue, that is mean. It just means that if you are in regular contact with any person in a social context, they should know you are in a relationship.

 

Most people are understanding if (1) you are transparent and (2) you make them feel visible. In this case, the friendship with the ex is hardly transparent and the gf is invisible.

[lovelorcet]

Most people are understanding if (1) you are transparent and (2) you make them feel visible. In this case, the friendship with the ex is hardly transparent and the gf is invisible.

 

That is pretty much the point I was trying to make with my example

 

Some people don't allow any contact with an ex and I just don't think that is right.

 

I wonder if the OP would feel more comfortable if her bf would just be more transparent.

[oppath]

That is pretty much the point I was trying to make with my example

 

Some people don't allow any contact with an ex and I just don't think that is right.

 

I wonder if the OP would feel more comfortable if her bf would just be more transparent.

 

I agree with you. From my last relationship, however, when she didn't want to hurt his feelings because she started dating me right after him, if I become exclusive with someone and they talk to or hang out with an ex, and the ex does not know about me and I don't have the option to meet him, this ship is going to sail for another woman. If those two things are met the ship will be in dry dock because I'll be getting wet with my woman.

 

But to date someone for months at a time -- and in this case > year -- and to talk to an ex weekly, and for that ex to not know about you...that is flat out wrong. The whole "I don't want you to react" line of thinking is BS.

[Xbasscat]

Hi Everyone...thanks for the input.

 

Child of Isis- LOL. so true.

 

LKPJ-that's awful! Did the other girl know about you? And what did he hope to gain by playing with of you?

 

Trialbyfire-had the same arguement about omission when he refused to admit to me that he slept with another co-worker. Their relationship was before I met him, and it sounds like she was a problem with the exgf I talked to. He said I never asked him that question "specifically", so he didn't say anything because he knew I would be upset since he still worked with her. The jury is still out on whether or not something happened with them when he and I were first dating. (I have her number, too. maybe I should call?? lol. jk.)

 

Spoonandfork22 and Floriada- I agree.

 

Lovelorcet and Oppath - I agree that transparent and visible would have made the situation better. I don't have a problem with exes that know their limits and boundaries as well as know I'm involved.

 

We've "let it go" for now and he's trying to be a better bf lately, but I'm having very mixed emotions. My trust is shattered, and I just feel so disrespected. He still seems to have the attitude that what he did wasn't so bad, and that I need to "get over it', but he lied over something little---so what else is he hiding? Is it something that I just haven't figured out yet?!