In love with a married man? the more I get to know him, the more I like him

[kt33]

A few years ago, I met this man who was single at the time and from the first time we ever met, there's been "something" there. I found out he was engaged, then next thing you know, he's married so I figured I wouldn't bother with him anymore, for obvious reasons.

 

Well, since then (about 2 yrs), we've seen each other a bunch of times and each time, he always drops everything to come over and talk to me and be with me and always looks in my eyes with a "gaze" like he's in love, always smiles at me, and tries to be with me as much as he can and is depressed when he has to leave. Also, I think we're actually "friends" now and he hugged me the other day and talked to me for awhile afterwards, asking about my auto accident I had where I almost lost my life a few months ago and was very concerned about all of it.

 

Anyway, my point is, I honestly don't "know" him that well, but there's always been that "feeling" like he's the right one ever since the first day I met him a few years ago and I can't stop thinking about him no matter what I do. I've tried to move on but I can't do it. I've never had the same feelings like I do when I'm with him and that's why I think he's the right one.

 

Also, he never, ever talks about his wife and if he mentions her at all, he sounds depressed and just changes the subject really quick. Any other guy would just talk about her and not have a problem. He also always tries hiding his wedding ring from me, but it's not like I don't know, so I don't know what that's about either.

 

Well, the more I get to know him, the more I like him and am falling for him and I don't know what to think anymore. It's something you would have to see to believe, but I truly think he's the right one...except that he's married. Now, I don't know if he would ever get divorced for me or separated from her, but what should I do? Should I keep trying or should I just give up? I know it's not the "right" thing to do, but if two people are meant to be together, then they're going to be together...right? (We're both in our mid-20's and he's been married about 2 yrs and has no kids.) Help!

[Tony T]

So you really think a married man who screws around on his wife is just meant for you??? I don't think so. If the guy was meant for you, he would be with you now...or at least be divorcing his wife.

 

You are creating some severely bad karma for yourself right now. I hope you will consider cutting your losses short and moving on. This guy is just using you for comic relief. He hasn't got the morals of a pig. And would you want a guy for a husband who would do the same identical thing with another woman while you were sitting at home???

 

YUK! This guy is for the birds and here you are wanting him. If for some reason you end up with him, you've got some serious heartache ahead of you. He's way too young to give up his womanizing ways for you or anybody else.

 

Of course, hope springs eternal. Give it up!!! Until he shows you a final divorce decree, HE IS MARRIED!!!

[queenpamrules]

I HAVE TO SAY "MOVE ON" FIRST OF ALL IF HE HASNT LEFT HIS WIFE YET. THEN ODDS ARE HE ISNT GOING TO. AND DO YOU REALLY WANT A MAN THATS "CHEATS" ON HIS WIFE? DO YOU WANT TO LIVE EVERY DAY THINKING" IS HE CHEATING ON ME?" LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING ABOUT CHEATERS! THEY WANT THERE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO! MY SOON TO BE X- HUBBY CHEATED ON ME THREE YEARS AGO. WE HAD A WONDERFUL LIFE........ HE WAS TELLING THIS WOMEN HE LOVED HER AND COULDNT BE WITHOUT HER.

BEFORE AND AFTER I FOUND OUT. NOW THEN, HE WAS TELLING ME SHE WAS A " CRAZY" FAT " B!TCH"

WELL, I WAS PRAGNANT AT THE TIME AND TOLD HIM ENOUGH, IF HE WANTED HER "KNOCK HIMSELF OUT"

WELL, HE DECIDED HIS FAMILY WAS MORE IMPORTANT. REASON FOR OUR DIVORCE........I NEVER TRUSTED HIM "AGAIN!

IF THEY CHEAT ONCE THERE GONNA DO IT OVER AND OVER!

 

 

YOU REALLY DESERVE TO BE "HAPPY" AND I DONT THINK YOU WILL IF AND WHEN THIS GUY SHOULD LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU! I ALSO THINK THAT MAYBE YOU THINK HES THE " RIGHT ONE" FOR YOU BECAUSE HES SOMEWHAT OUT OF REACH.

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT WHAT THEY CANT HAVE .. AND USUALLY WHEN THEY FINALLY GET IT ! IT ISNT SO GREAT!

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[circle]

I dont remember her saying he screwed around with anyone?. I wont make myself popular here but, I have been that guy. For me it led to a long affair but I still did not leave my wife. This is often the case, and I would not recommend entering into any kind of affair, its pretty damaging for everyone involved.

 

You know him better than anyone here, you have to guage whether he is in love or lust.

 

Its really tough to advise whether to broach the subject or not, its a moral issue that could bug you for ages if you did not, or put you in a bad 'circle' if you do, risk hurting her and your friendship.

 

From what you said, the not talking about the wife, hiding ring (but not taking it off) are indeed signs he has some interest in you beyond platonic friendship, if he was seedy he would most likely be more direct about his intentions.

 

If you do find out, and he is confused then he/you can contact me for some advice I wish I had.

 

Good luck

[BadGirl2003]

I know how you feel right now I'm in the same situation with this guy. I liked him before he got married and then about a year and a half later he got married. He knew that I liked him and he also liked me but we couldn't be together cause he loved his fiance and didn't want to hurt her. To this day I still see him around and can't stop thinking about him. People can say move on, get over him but they haven't been in your situation. It's really really hard getting over someone that you really like and really want to be with even though it's not a good ideal since he's married. I'm trying to get over him now and trying to start a relationship to get my mind off of him but it hasn't help yet. The only advice I can give you is talk to him, ask him how he feels about you and tell him how you feel about him just to see what happens. It's not a good ideal to go further into it until you know how he feels about you and see if he's willing to divorce his wife to be with you. If he doesn't feel the same way just be friends with him that wouldn't hurt at all. I hope I have helped!

[mody]

Being in love with someone who is married, that would never be me(wrong)

After being married for eight years and the past six not good. No communication, and feeling as though I had spent the greatest part of our marriage walking on egg shells, I came in contact with an old boyfriend on the interent. Our emails started out sweet and simple.. We talked about why we never got together , just to young and not in touch with our feelings... I was a stay at home mother and had just lost my brother, father and mother... Feeling great loss and no sense of "me" he incouraged my to go to school, find a part-time job, and I did.. I found my nitch in nursing.. Through the months he was my daily words of wisdom and of friendship.....nine months later we planned to met and that was two years ago.. Never in my adult life have I ever felt such a connection, but he would never jepordize his family(his kids) so it is a no win situation.. To love someone so much and know you can never have them, or to continue to enjoy the few moments together??????? I have decided to separate from my husband, not because of him but because I realized that I had been holding on to nothing... No foundation and I needed to be whole.... As for the married man........ I will love him always and be thankful he held my head up when I could not.. For being my strength when the storm was to strong and for letting me see I deserved more than I had and more than he will ever be able to give me... love hurts..... more than anything

[circle]

I admire your courage. The decision to separate must have been difficult, but I suspect you are providing a good foundation for a happy future.

 

I certainly know what it likes to pursue a hopless love, as you will see from post above, I was the 'married man', I put two people through a lot of pain for two and a half years, despite being as honest and open about everything as I could. Its been a year since loosing my lover, and my pain still exists. I am finding it tough to work out what is now best for me and my family.

 

You can take some warm comfort that the guy cares for you, but I hope for his sake he does not change his mind about his decision to stay with his family after you have moved on - its tough to get out of that hole.

[vaughan]

Hi everyone. I am so glad I found this site. I am in a bad situation. I broke up with the father of my child almost exactly one year ago. We were together 5 years and I met his best friend about that many years back. From the moment I saw him, there was that "instant conection" that makes you spin. My ex was not at all very good to me and this friend would sweetly take notice. Our eyes just seem to lock and it would take everything within in me not to, you know go for it. But I never did. I don't think he ever thought I was interested and of course the buddy issue. It was/is like this unspoken thing. He was single at the time and stayed so for most of the five years. I saw him about 2 to 3 times a year and it would always be incredible. Well, about six months before my split, he meets someone. She got pregnant and therefore got married right after the big news. She only has a few months to go. The thing is I thought I would never hear from him again since they live in another city and I was no longer associated with my ex. He kept calling and having deep talks about our struggles and how much he thinks of me. As a friend mind you. Well, my feelings have grown and I think it is mutual. (The ex vanished right after our break up and no one, even family has heard from him since.)

 

So, I feel conflicted in the worst way. Everytime he calls, about once a month, he ends the call saying I must come once the baby is born and wants to help pay! As bad as I want to go, is as bad as I would feel if anything happened. As a mom, I know I would want to hurt the woman who broke up my family and honestly I don't want to be that girl to him. But I have to go. I have to see if I am crazy or maybe just live that moment and walk away. I mean is this amazing feeling just doomed to be an enormous heartache? I am over 30, as he is, so I have had my share of romances. I have never felt this drawn, elated and intese about someone. Please help.

 

circle: I love hearing the married man's perspective. Thanks for giving it.

 

kt33: I thought I was reading my journal when I saw your post. My heart goes out to you hun.

 

mody Sounds like we were with the same guy. I am glad you had the strength to seperate.

[adrienne]

falling in love with a man regardless what his status is never wrong. instead it depends on how you deal with the situation and how you handle it. if you do get yourself involved with a married man, you should be more responsible of your actions and try to be more considerate of other people especially his family. and on top of it all, you should ask yourself what you really want ... are you willing to take the risks? does he love you the same way you do to him? IS HE ALL WORTH IT? would you be willing to sacrifice a wonderful future with a man whom you could meet some place and who is single enough to offer you marriage? are you ok with the word "mistress" and "villain"? you see, i am in the same situation as you are now and i love him completely. i know how it is to be hiding all the time, to be hurt by the idea that he can't be there for you at all times because he has responsibilities and you come LAST in his priorities. he may love you but he doesn't have any choice because he does have a wife to go home to. loving him and thinking that you have a future with him is the one thing that you shouldn't be thinking of. get out of it as early as you can. easy to say but very hard to do, i know. i am in deep mess right now trying to get over someone whom i love so much but letting him go to try it another time with his wife who hits him and who makes him unhappy. but most of the time, you should think of yourself and your future and what you can do to make yourself love you more.

 

you see, we can never control our emotions for love is just too strong to control our whole system. but time is our friend. never be afraid to face the pain because that's just how it is. as long as you plan a good life then he's not worth it. try to walk away now then wait, pray that your paths will cross again and that your love with be strong enough to bring you back together. but as for now, let him plan a life that suits him. if he doesn decide to go back to you later on, then good. but never ever do anything that will hurt someone else. be a hero to yourself and never be afraid to face misery coz it's there where we learn to grow.

 

God speed.

[vaughan]

Originally posted by adrienne

you see, we can never control our emotions for love is just too strong to control our whole system. but time is our friend. never be afraid to face the pain because that's just how it is. as long as you plan a good life then he's not worth it. try to walk away now then wait, pray that your paths will cross again and that your love with be strong enough to bring you back together. but as for now, let him plan a life that suits him. if he doesn decide to go back to you later on, then good. but never ever do anything that will hurt someone else. be a hero to yourself and never be afraid to face misery coz it's there where we learn to grow.

 

That is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story. I personally have made up my mind to stop it now! If it is meant to be than somewhere down the line it will happen. I am not ready to accept being second choice to anyone and I know that is what I would be. I am so sorry for you but impressed at your strength. I always say that the right thing is always the hardest thing to do. Especially when it involves love. So, your post helped me to see what the reality is. It seems so easy to gloss things over to suit your needs. I still care for him, but time will heal everything as I know it will do the same for you. Please let me know if you ever need to talk. Thanks again!

[Blondie]

I think it is sad that so many women find themselves in this position. I too am divorced and recently had a "thing" with a man I know who has a family who he is fairly happy with. My mind says "nip it in the bud" but I find thinking about him constantly.

 

Reading what Adrienne had to say really hit home and made me think. I mean if it is true love, then he would be with me. Otherwise, he is meant to stay with his family.

 

It was also helpful to hear a man's point of view from Circle, thank-you.

 

I have so many questions running through my mind, like is he thinking about me? Does this have him all in knots the way I am? Why me? Why did he decide to come into MY life and pursue me? And why do smart, fun women with a lot to offer find ourselves in this situation?

[Hopeless Romantica]

I have to agree w/the post before mine. Why do women with so much to offer to any single man get stuck w/the idea that we have to pursue (or consider pursuing) a married man?

 

I suppose b/c it's been months since I've met someone who I feel has impacted my every cell. We want to believe the married man we've met is meant for us. And it's true that we always want what we can't have.

 

After reading the responses to my posting yesterday evening, I'm feeling a lot better. Writing about it and hearing the advice of others (unbiased) helps. And going home and mulling it over has also increased my ability to have lucid thoughts.

 

Since yesterday, it's becoming clearer to me that the married man I spent nine consecutive hours with may have done this two-timing thing before. Right now, he's at another conference. Who is to say he's not searching for more "touching?" It hurts to think he may be connecting (or has done so before) with someone else. I'd like to think that I'm the only one he's ever done this with--the only one who he has taken a risk with.

 

But honestly, if his wife can't trust him, why should I? Yes, I still feel the man I met is my soul mate, but he's married. And I need to get over him.

[adrienne]

i felt really heartbroken and miserable for having to go through this all, just as you all have been feeling right now. to comfort myself, i went to this card-reader this morning just to have fun, hoping that i would hear something that might make me feel better, hoping that the card-reader would tell me he loves me despite the fact that he's firm about giving it a shot with his wife. i did hear the exact words i wanted to hear. it made me better and it made me stronger. i don't believe in card-reading but somehow, i just needed to do something that will help me get over the whole situation or perhaps some words of encouragement from someone who won't be biased about my situation. after that, i went home, took some sleep and when i woke up, i felt that i could actually be able to move on without him after all. i guess we all just need to believe in some things no matter how hard. card-reading is i believe a pattern and you will have to be the one to fit her words to reality. but it helped me really. through it, i am willing now to stand and live a good life, a better one.

 

hey i'm not saying that you should go and do what i have done too. i know card-reading and actually believing in it is foolish but there are other things that we can do to make ourselves feel up and alive. go to a beauty salon and get a new haircut! treat yourself and go shopping with friends. enroll in the gym or cooking class. these are fun things that we should do instead of staying at home and crying our heart out.

 

let's get on with it girls! let's stay alive and show them that we're tougher than they think.

 

and most of all, everyone here has always something nice to say to give us harder pushes to finally be able to go through it all.

 

thanks to all of you!

[Lavender]

Just writing to say "Bravo" to Adrienne for such wonderful story.....i'm trying very hard to say "no" and stop hurting his wife (even though she is unaware of it) but i'm dead guilty. Your sharing has indeed brought some light into my situation and I think I should consciously remind myself to do the right thing....i hope you are leading a happy and fulfilling life now...without hurting and being hurt...

[novascade]

uh when the wife find out we'll know who you where ,yeah your head might be missing but we'll know who you where

[gazelle]

I can't believe I'm in this. On our fourth date, we discussed the impossibility and futility of it all, and both agreed not to pursue this. Well, we did exactly the opposite.

 

We've been seeing each other and calling each other non-stop for two months. The dilema at this point is (and I realize this is the trap) should I invest myself in this relationship a while longer to see if he's willing to make a move? After all, you can't expect someone to break a 20 yr marriage after knowing you for only two months.

 

He says he never expected to fall in love, but has. He says he loves me and dreams of us being together.

 

I guess I should ask him if he's just going to be a dreamer, or if there's any chance for us?.

[Sweet-Sin]

WOW! I feel alot better reading these post then I did a few minutes ago..

 

I too am involved with a married man, I have been for the apst 6 months.

When I met him I knew he was married, and just wanted a lil fling, ONE NIGHT STAND..but in the works

of arranging this night, we found ourselves talking ALOT! He called me everyday, and we'd talk for hours while he was at work, which was the only time we could talk.. 2 weeks after our first encounter of hi and goodbye heres my number...we decided it was time to see each other, my friend had a get together and afterwards we got hotel rooms, well he met me there, and spend the whole night with me, which to me meant alot, he didnt go home till the next day. Since then we got even more close..months went by and things got hard, his wife busted him, and I thought to myself GOOD he's coming home to me now, but instead he kissed ass and stayed with her...our encounters werent possible anymore, and we decided we would stay friends, and that broke my heart, I was so in love, I couldnt do the FRIENDS thing, so we kinda stopped talking for a week, and then he called me telling me he could be with out me and for me to trust him and wait for him...Of coarse I said YES! In the past 6 months we have only slept together 3 times..and seen each other a total of 13 times, and yet I cant sem to open my eyes and say "this aint a relationship". I recently left the state and continued to talk to him as friends...One day he tells me he cant be without me and needs me to come back home, he doesnt want to lose me and he fell deper in love with me, all this while he recently bought a new house with his wife..

Why do men do this to us, and why do we let ourselves.?

I an only 24 yrs of age, divorced and have a 2 yr old daughter, and yet I push good guys away and stick to the married one.. I would really like some views from actual married men, why do the deed...

[bark]

I would really like some views from actual married men, why do the deed...

 

 

 

Men are sexual opportunists --nothing more, nothing less. Yes, we have feelings, often genuine, but our goal is simply to have sex with as many different women as possible. It's beyond cynical--it is a biological imperative.

 

Saying that, we also like stability, children, a wife and all the signs of status and belonging. We are erotic conformists--"rebels with a cause"--whose goal is to get laid without losing our families and place in the world.

 

In short, we want it all. And if there are women out there to enable us, so much the better. Because we're not doing this for you, we're doing this only for ourselves.

[Sweet-Sin]

Originally posted by bark

 

 

 

 

Men are sexual opportunists --nothing more, nothing less. Yes, we have feelings, often genuine, but our goal is simply to have sex with as many different women as possible. It's beyond cynical--it is a biological imperative.

 

Saying that, we also like stability, children, a wife and all the signs of status and belonging. We are erotic conformists--"rebels with a cause"--whose goal is to get laid without losing our families and place in the world.

 

In short, we want it all. And if there are women out there to enable us, so much the better. Because we're not doing this for you, we're doing this only for ourselves.

 

 

I believe you....

I hate to talk mess about him like this, but I feel the same way, I remember once he said, if its not you, it will be someone else when I asked him if he's stay faithful if we ever ended.. SEX!! ARG I wish I wasnt as weak as I am and would be able to ealk away, but I'm not, and I know its in an early stage that I havent even been half hurt as half the women who have posted on this similar topic, thanks BARK for ur comment.

[bark]

You're most welcome.

 

Hang in there,Sweet-Sin.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by bark

Men are sexual opportunists --nothing more, nothing less. Yes, we have feelings, often genuine, but our goal is simply to have sex with as many different women as possible. It's beyond cynical--it is a biological imperative.

 

Saying that, we also like stability, children, a wife and all the signs of status and belonging. We are erotic conformists--"rebels with a cause"--whose goal is to get laid without losing our families and place in the world.

 

In short, we want it all. And if there are women out there to enable us, so much the better. Because we're not doing this for you, we're doing this only for ourselves.

 

That has got to be the most candid, honest reply I've ever read on this forum. Bark, you speak the truth and you speak it clearly.

[Arabess]

I've been wondering about......if YOU fulfill the part of his life which is lacking in his marriage...lets say some unbridled lust, the desire to flirt, experience a new relationship or whatever his motives my be......then why in the world WOULD he get a divorce? He's got it ALL anyway!!!!

 

So, wouldn't it make more sense....if you really love him.....to walk away and let him wallow in his unfulfilled marriage till he realizes he may need more out of his life......and he gets a divorce on his own?

 

And if he DOESN'T come to that particular conclusion.....or replaces you with another 'woman'......then you are pretty much wasting your time waiting on him anyway.

 

Someone challenged me once to walk away and see what HE would really do.....and you know what.....he didn't do SH*T! He's still legally married to that COW he claimed he hated. However, instead of waiting it out like an IDIOT....I went on to have a great year and meet some of the most wonderful men in the world. It STILL bugs the crap out of me! But you know what? I'd just as soon GNAW OFF MY ARM than to have someone I love...not love me enough...to put me first in his life. It's an insane relationship when you can't even be seen in public with the man who says you are his 'dream come true'. Think about it....does it REALLY make any sense???

 

You are his 'soulmate'....but he can't leave his unhappy sexless marriage for you? How friggin romantic!

[Sweet-Sin]

Originally posted by Arabess

I've been wondering about......if YOU fulfill the part of his life which is lacking in his marriage...lets say some unbridled lust, the desire to flirt, experience a new relationship or whatever his motives my be......then why in the world WOULD he get a divorce? He's got it ALL anyway!!!!

 

So, wouldn't it make more sense....if you really love him.....to walk away and let him wallow in his unfulfilled marriage till he realizes he may need more out of his life......and he gets a divorce on his own?

 

And if he DOESN'T come to that particular conclusion.....or replaces you with another 'woman'......then you are pretty much wasting your time waiting on him anyway.

 

Someone challenged me once to walk away and see what HE would really do.....and you know what.....he didn't do SH*T! He's still legally married to that COW he claimed he hated. However, instead of waiting it out like an IDIOT....I went on to have a great year and meet some of the most wonderful men in the world. It STILL bugs the crap out of me! But you know what? I'd just as soon GNAW OFF MY ARM than to have someone I love...not love me enough...to put me first in his life. It's an insane relationship when you can't even be seen in public with the man who says you are his 'dream come true'. Think about it....does it REALLY make any sense???

 

You are his 'soulmate'....but he can't leave his unhappy sexless marriage for you? How friggin romantic!

 

I get you, I have left him amd we actually stayed friends for months, my decision to NOT move was on me, he never asked me not too.. My heart just never let me find another guy... I'm okay, I mean I DONT want him to leave his family, what does that make me, that all I want is him to give me time and support....maybe a male best friend...?

Thanks ARABESS you have good words.. I love this forum, its full of honest people..

[amerikajin]

>>>In short, we want it all. And if there are women out there to enable us, so much the better. Because we're not doing this for you, we're doing this only for ourselves.<<<

 

Excellent insights, Bark.

 

I've been mentally tearing myself to pieces as of late because I don't know what the hell I want from life or love anymore. I'm torn between doing the right thing and doing what I want. I've got a girlfriend right now, and while I can still (at least for the moment anyway) say I've never cheated on any girlfriend I've had, it's hard. It seems like I've been warped by too many painful experiences to give a sh*t at times, though I have to be careful about rationalizing bad behavior. Cheating still causes pain to other people, and it's wrong to do it - no questions about it.

 

Also, I'm using this thread to write because I'm beginning to feel the same thing may in fact be happening to me - and it scares me. There's this woman I work with and I just get this indescribable vibe whenever I'm around her. We study languages together once a week (I help her with her English, and she helps me with my Chinese). The first time I saw her, I wanted to meet her. When I met her, I wanted to know her. When I met her the first time, she told me she was married (not all Asians wear a ring, so you don't always know) and I have to admit that my heart kinda sank for a day or two. But, I got over it and actually for a while I didn't think about it too much. We just became friends and that's basically where we've stood for the past five months.

 

Something caught my attention about two or three weeks ago. When we met, she showed me her fingernails (she had them manicured) and asked me if I liked them. Of course I said "yes". As the conversation progressed, she talked about how comfortable she feels whenever she talks to me and how I always make her feel better. She said "I love my husband, but sometimes I think he loves me more than I love him." That's as far as it went. I didn't really say anything except that I'm glad to be of help, and that she needs to rely on her husband for her strongest base of support. To be honest, I'm not really sure what she was trying to suggest - it could have been platonic and nothing more, but it was somehow different from other conversations we've had.

 

At first I didn't pay it much attention, but now I can't help but feel it. Sometimes, when I see her talking to another man at work, I actually get a little jealous. What the hell is that all about?!?!?! This is crazy.

 

I know what's right. I won't do anything that sabotages a marriage. If we ever get too close, I've already decided that our meetings will have to come to an end. I just don't want to say or do anything impulsively that would ever lead us to the point where we have to do that. I like her very much as a friend. I just wish there was someone else out there who was available who reached into me the way she does.

[Sweet-Sin]

I just wish there was someone else out there who was available who reached into me the way she does.

 

I know what you mean, I wish there was a guy out there with all of his qualities.....

It makes me feel good to hear guys feelings when they are in similar situations...

I want to hear from a guy whos married and has a side girl..

I want a guy to be able to have balls and speak about these things,....most men cant admit to it...

 

Good luck to you!