In love with a married man? the more I get to know him, the more I like him

[bark]

I know what's right. I won't do anything that sabotages a marriage. If we ever get too close, I've already decided that our meetings will have to come to an end. I just don't want to say or do anything impulsively that would ever lead us to the point where we have to do that. I like her very much as a friend. I just wish there was someone else out there who was available who reached into me the way she does.

 

 

amerikajin, of the male posters on LS you have always been one of the most impressive. Your post broke my heart. You're honesty is commendable.

 

It sounds very much that this woman is flirting with you and, I suspect, becoming emotionally involved. I bet you're reading this situation accurately.

 

As you probably know, many affairs begin with a whimper, not a bang. Lovers start as colleagues, grow into friends, then morph into best friends and , with some type of catalyst--alcohol, fight with spouse, long hours together at work--the relationship turns sexual. The sex is almost anticlimactic.

 

This married woman touches you in ways no one else does. And you are beginning to feel proprietary towards her. I think you're both falling in love.

 

Good luck, my friend, as you wrestle with your big heart and your considerable conscience.

[moimeme]

Love sneaks up on you. You may think that you can keep a relationship at the 'just friends' stage, but one day, you realize that you've fallen. That's why it can be unwise to try to be friends with a person of the opposite gender whether you are in or out of a marriage. An awful lot of people who end up in affairs never meant to; they figured they could be 'just friends'. If you truly want to avoid having an affair, you'll have to cut it off now

[AllyKat]

I also refuse to try to make myself popular here. Regardless of what is going on with you, this man is married. I saw a reply someone else gave that he was once this guy, it doesnt matter, HE IS MARRIED. Why fantasize over a man, really isnt showing you much but a friendship? Is he flirting with you, maybe, but many married people do that and do not leave their spouse.

 

Dont you wonder how this mans wife would feel? I mean, even if he is showing you some feelings, what makes you think he wouldnt do it again with another woman, or he already isnt?

 

I hate to say, from what you have said doesnt make me think this man is THAT interested. Has he told you he likes you? Has he kissed you?

 

The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is move on. Why are you wasting your time on this man?

 

As far as people are meant to be together, dont you think he wife thinks that as well? I mean he did marry HER. You arent in reality, regardless if he is showing you feelings or not, you need to wake up and live your life. Living in this world you have is only going to hurt people, why would you do that?

 

Time heals. You havent really even had anything with this man, move on...get over it. The only thing you have had is an imaginary relationship with him.

[AllyKat]

You know, we wonder what is wrong with this society.

 

IF YOU ARENT READY TO BE MARRIED OR WANT TO BE SINGLE GET A FREAKIN DIVORCE.

 

It sickens me to see women and men date married people. Wait until that person gets a divorce. Why date him when he is married? Why hurt people, just back off, if he is that interested and his/her spouse is such a horrible person, like they said, they will divorce them.

[hurtinrealbad]

Don't be a fool!!!

[popelp21]

I need advice. My husband cheated on me many times before we got married and then he has cheated on me at least once that I know of since we've been married. It was about 3 years ago. About 6 months ago a woman claimed she slept with him. I feel as if this did happen. Well to make things more complicated, there is this guy I work with. We were recently promoted together. We now sit by each other. We have been acquaintances for years and I know his wife. Well I told him about my situation b/c I knew that his wife had cheated on him. Well he confided in me and I know that she has cheated on him several times. It took about a month b/f we kissed and another month b/f it became sexual. I feel so connected to this man and feel he is my soul mate. I love him very much and he says he loves me. He has been with his wife for about 17 years and I've been with my husband 15 years. We are only 36 and 37. I have a 5 year old and am torn about hurting him. I love this man more than anything in the world and don't know what to do. I don't know if he will leave his wife. He's been with her so long and he feels their families are "intertwined". He is a wonderful man. It has gotten to the point where I only desire him. He recently found out his mother has cancer and does not want to upset her now either. Please advise. We are both torn up about this and don't know what to do. Do you feel I should end this affair with my soul mate??

[amerikajin]

Yes, you should end the affair with your soul mate. You both have to decide what you want to do with your current spouses first. Why not divorce and just see whether or not you're both available for each other at the end of it all? If you are truly soul mates, as you say, then you will find a way to get together.

 

You have to be really careful in this situation, because sometimes the bond you feel is purely situational. He's going through pain, you're going through pain, so you find strength in each other for being able to empathize with what you are both going through. When you divorce, the dynamics change. That doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship will change, but it could. No longer will you be so much in need of one another. The private grief becomes more shared, out in the open, shared with family and friends. And with time, as the process takes care of itself and removes the stressors, life will be different for both of you. Many times, people decide that when they are first "liberated" from their spouse, they need time to clear things up. What you both want at that point may be different from what you think you want now.

 

I'll be honest with you: I'm having a hard time understanding why you ever would have wanted someone who cheated on you three times BEFORE you got married, and why you stayed with him after he cheated during your marriage. Is it because of your child? Finances?

[Complicated]

This is my first time at this website and I hope you wonderful people could possibly help me. I have searched for advice from many websites but haven't got anything I felt helped me. I need advice from people who are walking in my shoes and I think this is the place.

 

Here's my story. I feel I am in love with a married man. I have tried alot of different approaches. My problem is I work with this man, so I see him five days a week. Even if I wanted to avoid the situation, I couldn't. I think about him all the time. We are becoming very close friends. I am a secretary and he is a construction worker. He calls into the shop on a daily basis, most of the time just to talk. He is sooo funny and makes me laugh constantly. He has three beautiful children that I have to take into consideration too. On the weekends we will spend hours on the internet just talking about each other. Last night it was my family and what he lacked in his family. He is so caring, always there to offer me guidance and support. He talks very little of his wife. He compliments me on just about everything and I do the same for him. He has great communication skills and recently I learned he has feelings for me. He told me that he has to think of the consquences of his actions. He loves his children and couldn't imagine being with them only half the time.

 

I guess I am looking for support and suggestions from you people. Do you think this is going anywhere? Is this love or lust? Is what I am doing, ok? I am so lost and confused. Please help me!!!!

[Skittles]

Hi Complicated,

 

First off, welcome. ...You came to a great site for advice...I am sure you will get alot of it.

 

It sounds like you and he are headed for an affair...do yourself a huge favor, discourage the relationship...I know it's difficult but someone is sure to get burned and it's probably going to be you.

 

He enjoys you and will gladly accept sex if you offer it, but I doubt he will leave his wife for you...you will just make up for anything he is lacking in his marriage...and he will never leave then...Would you if you were in his shoes ?

 

Here is a sure to save you solution........get another job..

 

Sorry, wish I could have been more encouraging to your fantasy ...

 

 

Good Luck...get the happiness you deserve from someone who could deliver.

[Complicated]

Thanks Skittles for your advice and suggestions.

 

I am open to all advices whether its what I want to hear or not. As for the suggestion to change jobs, its a little more complicated than that. There are certain people there that really do need me and I have to be there for them. AKA family business.

 

I am still open for more advice and I will most likely continue down the road I am on until I can't go any further. A friend once told me that I should avoid the heartbreak but like I told her, my heart was broken the minute I fell for him but still knew he was married.

 

I understand what you say about him using me to fill in for what he is lacking in his marriage. We have been good friends for years, and I really don't think he would use me like that. Do you? In a crowd, I see him watching me out of the corner of my eye. The minute he walks into the room, he brings a smile to my face. Everyone at work sees it. They tell me that my whole face brightens when he comes around and the same for him. Honestly, affair has been mentioned but he turned me down. He said he needed to consider the consquences. I have seen pictures of his wife, and honestly she is way out of my league. I just know I can make him happy. Please continue the advice.

[meanon]

A friend once told me that I should avoid the heartbreak but like I told her, my heart was broken the minute I fell for him but still knew he was married.

 

Really the heart break you felt then is as nothing compared to the pain you will feel loving someone who will never be able to be your companion, put your needs first, be with you when you need him. When you realise he will never leave his wife - how will that make you feel about yourself? Do search this site for similar threads - you'll see what I mean.

 

Yes there is always the chance he may leave his wife but its rare - especially as he has kids. It's not worth the risk - you are worth more than this.

 

It is most likely that he is seeking a diversion either for pleasure or to meet unfullfilled needs - either way if the marriage was that bad he'd be out of it.

 

This site is full of the walking wounded - please don't become one of them.

[Skittles]

meanon is right, complicated....If he meant business he would have been out of his marriage...He may admire you, lust after you etc...If this is your family business and he is on your turf, it would behoove him to tread carefully if he wants to keep his job.

 

 

This guy is flattering, but he is trouble.

 

 

 

Good luck .

 

p.s. I believe people can unbreak their own hearts..... ...really!

[Complicated]

You have no idea how helpful this site is making my decisions. I am going to take one day at a time and hopefully things will get better.

 

I have dated since meeting this guy I talk about but I find myself looking for someone just like him. A mission that has lead to failure many times. I seem to be looking for faults in everyone else. I keep telling myself to give it time and he will come around and see what I can do for him. It is so hard. He makes me feel so good about myself.

 

I know what I need to do, but how do I do it? Where do I start? Should I talk to him about it? I have moved on before many times. Found someone to fill that emptiness I feel but I seem to always push them away and return to this very spot. I really don't think I am strong enough.

[amerikajin]

I kinda know what you're going through. I have had feelings for a married woman and I've written about it on this site a time or two. I think feelings are something that you really can't control. If you're attracted to someone, you're attracted to them. You shouldn't feel guilty for having those feelings. In my case, I knew I was attracted to this woman the moment I saw her and watched her interacting with others in our office. I'm sure it was the same thing for you.

 

Unfortunately, the person you like belongs to someone else. You have to honor that if you want to do the honorable thing.

[Skittles]

He makes me feel so good about myself.

 

Complicated, how did you feel good about yourself before you met him? You had a life before him ....your mind is filling in the blanks...not him.

 

Looking for someone like him won't work because he is a unique experience to you ...which you have helped to create.

 

The best thing to do is not interact with him..Yes, you might have to turn cold just to distance...As far as conversations go, I wouldn't initiate any with him...If he starts one with you, find a way of discouraging the flirtations.

 

You can let him know his attentions are flattering, but will lead nowhere BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED.

 

 

If he doesn't get that then he is either dense, manipulative or a combination of both..

[popelp21]

Skittles, have you ever been involved with a married man?

[Complicated]

What you are all telling me is morally, what I should do. But it is so much harder than that. This man is my friend. Someone I look to for answers to all my problems. I know he isn't the only person in the world that can do that for me but he is there now and really that is all that matters to me.

 

We have talked about so much as friends. We both have a depression problem and look to each other for strength. We grow closer everyday. Going cold, would not only ruin my chances of ever getting him, but I would lose a friend. This man truly understands me.

 

I have never came out and told him exactly how I feel about him. Even the flirting was a minimum. He knows where I stand on married men. Even when affair was mentioned, I didn't direct it at him. It was affairs is general. He once told me "I have never met someone so hard to figure out." "I just don't know what you want." Are my feelings just not obivous?

 

I am losing my morals on affairs. I am losing all my beliefs because I am getting to where I will do anything. Again, he doesn't exactly know how I feel about him, and perhaps if he did, he would turn me away. Maybe that is what I need. I will not be used. I am smarter than that. I will not be the person to fill the empty spots in his life. It's all or nothing.

 

I have a very low self-esteem and to tell the truth, I hate myself most of the time. This man has looked past, what I feel are my flaws, and got into my heart. Everything I hate about myself, he has complimented me on. He has my heart. Is he just hanging onto it, for future use? Is he planning on giving his to me? Is he truly my friend or perhaps just someone wanting in my bed?

 

I have so many unanswered questions? Please continue the advice.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Complicated,

 

Besides your relationship with this man, what would you say gives your life the most meaning?

 

Have you elevated him to the top of your priority list? Has he become the 'be all' and 'end all' of what you perceive to be happiness?

[meanon]

I am interested in your well being, rather than in the morality of the situation as it is you who are seeking advice.

 

You are so tempted that all you can see is how good he makes you feel and how great it would be to be closer to him. I have not had an affair but I know people who have and their experience is echoed on these threads. in a few rare cases marriages end. In most the result is conditional love, need unsatisfied, life lived entirely around a family you are not a part of, increasing isolation and loneliness, hope continually dashed, poor self esteem, wasted years, unhappiness. Finally when you can bear no more the ending is devastating.

 

You have met someone who values you at a point when you lack confidence in yourself. This is heady stuff - I can see why you are hooked. But this is more about you than about him. An affair would shatter your fragile self esteem. The path to happiness lies in tackling your low self esteem, an affair is a superficially attractive but ultimately futile detour.

[Iamhappy]

This man has looked past, what I feel are my flaws, and got into my heart. Everything I hate about myself, he has complimented me on.

 

Uh, manipulative much?!!

 

Is he just hanging onto it, for future use?

 

Yes.

 

Is he planning on giving his to me?

 

Yes, because he knows he's in a position where he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

Is he truly my friend or perhaps just someone wanting in my bed?

 

True friend? No. Sex partner? Yes.

 

You might think this man understands you, but he's not getting the real you. What he gets is that you are vulnerable to him and his charms.

 

He isn't zeroing in on all your great qualities. He's zeroing in on all your weaknesses. You haven't made it exactly difficult for him since you're only pretending to keep him at arms' length.

 

You say you won't be used as something to fill the empty spots in his life. Yet, in the same breath you talk of losing your morals and beliefs and are getting ready to do something.

 

Why don't you just be honest with yourself? You want to have an affair with this guy because you want something to fill the empty spots in your life. Why the heck are you so scared of living?

 

Why are you scared to love someone who might actually be emotionally available to you and is able to commit to you completely?

 

Don't you think you deserve better than being some guy's mistress?

 

Still want to have that affair? Honey, if he leaves his wife for you, he'll probably leave you too.

 

You have so many issues. And while I feel bad for you, I just want to shake some sense in you.

 

Work on you. Get yourself straightened out.

 

You deserve a life better than the one you've chosen for yourself.

[Complicated]

You are right about this being more about myself, then just him. I am scared. In my depression, I have hit rock bottom and recently I have started back up, but I credit him for it. He was and is there when no one else is. He understands more about me, than anyone else has even tried to.

 

I am scared to death, that if I let go of him, I will again go back down. I come from a family full of love, but also critizism. My mother quotes, "Depression is something in your mind, and you just need to get over it." I am medicated and I am trying to overcome it. I feel I have little support and the majority of my support comes from this married man. How can I let go of that?

 

I truly believe in my heart, that if we met before he was married, that we would be together. Are you saying it is impossible for him to fall in love with me? Is it impossible that we are meant for eachother? Please help me!

[Complicated]

Thank you Imamnotnothing, for your suggests and advice.

 

I don't know what I deserve. I have lost myself and seem to be clinging on to whoever will take me.

 

Again, this man has many weaknesses to and I have found them. His weaknesses are very similiar to mine and we seem to have alot in common. Perhaps, that is why I am attracted to him.

 

What I don't understand, is if he is what you all say, then why me? He is a good looking man and could most likely have anyone he wants. I am not a beautiful, skinny woman. I am very overweight and carry an independent attitude. He has just begun to know my weaknesses because I "put a face on" for everyone. I come off as the happy, independent woman, who doesn't need anything from anyone.

 

Why would he be interested in that?

[midori]

Originally posted by Complicated

I truly believe in my heart, that if we met before he was married, that we would be together. Are you saying it is impossible for him to fall in love with me? Is it impossible that we are meant for eachother? Please help me!

 

I don't believe in people being "meant for each other." I'm seeing someone right now who I really like a lot, and am developing strong feelings for. We're very compatible. But we're no more "meant for" each other than we are for any other person. If we had met three years ago, we wouldn't have gotten together. It's about convergence: the right time, place & circumstances.

 

You seem to have a fairly good idea of what your circumstances are, the depression you're battling and lack of support on other fronts has left you vulnerable in ways that he seems to fill.

 

OK, so what about him? Where is he, that toying with another person's emotions and contemplating cheating on his wife are acceptable to him (even if he feels, or claims to feel, guilty)? Marriage has problems? Why isn't he working on them, instead of adding to them by having an affair? Marriage unfixable? Why hasn't he left and filed for divorce? Has other, pragmatic reasons to stay in marriage? Tough. If financial considerations must be put before personal happiness, then that's how it is and he has to face up to the fact that, for whatever reason, he's choosing to sacrifice his personal happiness for practical concerns. If he's worried about his kids (if he has them), cheating sure isn't going to make things better for them.

 

I'm basically saying what Skittles, meanon and others have said: this guy is a dead-end for you. Your situation is complicated, yes, I get that. We're all complicated. There are all kinds of grey areas. Actually your side of the equation is pretty straight-forward. You know why you seek him out. You're not actually violating any promises you made to anyone. But what does it say about him that he seems willing to seek you out?

 

You've got needs, I know. But they can better met, with much less hassle, with a man who is not married, who's not compromising his integrity to be with you. If this guy faced his own reality, and in so doing decided to leave his wife and file for divorce, this would be a very different scenario. As it is, I think you'll just end up adding to your woes by taking this man on.

 

You're not "meant" to be with a guy who lacks integrity, respect, and a sense of responsibility (to his wife). Don't try to draft "fate" to your cause, to give you a green light to pursue something that you know is wrong for you but seems like the most attractive path right now. You guys weren't meant for each other; he's just the only thing on your horizon at the moment.

[Iamhappy]

In my depression, I have hit rock bottom and recently I have started back up, but I credit him for it.

 

Why does he get credit for the work you've done? Did he take part in your inner dialectic?

 

I come off as the happy, independent woman, who doesn't need anything from anyone.

 

I don't think you do. There's a neediness about you.

 

Regardless of how you think you present yourself to the world, the reality is that how we perceive ourselves often differs from how the rest of world sees us.

 

Why would he be interested in that?

 

I think you've answered your own question:

 

I don't know what I deserve. I have lost myself and seem to be clinging on to whoever will take me.

 

You talk about yourself like you're a piece of garbage. You aren't.

 

I think you need to attack the depression head on - supplement the meds w/ therapy and figure out why your thinking is so distorted.

 

You can't change your family. Any changes that will have to occur will have to be w/ you - how you perceive and react to things. I'd ask your familly to be supportive regardless of what they might think. Hopefully, their concern for your well-being will take precedence over any misgivings they might have.

 

I don't believe for a second that this man is your sole source of comfort and support. You have put him in that position.

[meanon]

Why would he be interested in that?

 

Because he likes you, you are available and he can have you.

 

If he likes you, you are likeable. Other men will be able to see what is likeable in you too. You do not believe you are an attractive person because you are depressed and suffering from low self esteem. He may have helped you as a friend but he will harm you as a lover. When you are well you will be able to choose someone with whom you can have a relationship as equals, with whom you can share your whole life, family the works. You are suffering from a poverty of expectation. Please don't make a mistake now that would jeopardize your recovery. At the very least - wait until you are well.

 

Get support from others - join group therapy or a self help group. Talk to friends and family about the nature of the illness and the type of help you need. Pursue new activities/friendships. Visit Loveshack. Your improvement may be due in part to him but the medication will be a major factor too. You can do it.