Complicated Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Thank-you all for your suggestions and advice. I have lived in my own little dream world and its about time I faced reality and listened to what others have to say. I can't tell you his whole story for obivous reasons. All I can tell you is what he has said and what I feel when I speak with him. His family life as a child, was very unstable. Parents didn't offer any guidence or support. He married and has three children, which he adores. Comments on many things, mostly, "If I knew she was like this.....or she did that......, I would of never married her." He never talks bad about there marriage. He told me once that she threatened to divorce him if he didn't get help for his depression. How do you say something like that to a person, who is already down? I know he is trying with the marriage. He does all the cooking, cleaning, financing, child raising. Where is she? Perhaps, I am meant to be a friend. But when he looks at me, I see so much more. Other things he does are like, jealousy when I date men. He is not "mad" jealousy, but rather "funny" jealousy. I am always looking for signs from him. Probably a huge fault of mine. He works for my father and a couple nights ago, we talked about his childhood and what he wants for his children. He adores my father. Looks up to him. I have a large family. Very close. He admires that. Something he never had. What is he wanting from me? Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 Originally posted by popelp21 Skittles, have you ever been involved with a married man? Popelp21 No, I have never been involved with a married man What I have learned from other posters, and from my g/f's who are involved or have been.. is that it's nothing but a heartache and I don't recommend it to anyone...serious...My g/f's have gotten badly jacked up over mm. I am not judging the ow, I feel bad for her...and his wife. There are stories of the mm leaving to marry the ow...know someone like that too...So "success" stories do exist....but as a relationship, the triangle usually burns the females. Complicated, I suggest a support group of some sort. You must meet with others and a good professional who could help you get some perspective. This mm likes the attention you are giving him...I think you guys are deep into an emotional affair, as they call it, and physical is the next step... What I wish for you, and for all ladies being seduced into an affair is the presence of mind...even if your heart isn't in it...to objectively step back and look at the scenario...If you were watching a movie like this what would you shout at the t.v.? In general, married men who take on a girlfriend are taking on a sex partner, someone they don't have to pay for sex, someone they can control, sometimes, but don't have to answer to. They are using you to supplement their marriage. You become their "lover". Some mm will believe they love you. I doubt they will say, hey F*ck-buddy, I am horney, I just took my wife out shopping and bought her a bracelet for her b'day...She didn't sc*w me today, so I am calling you...And I am not coming empty-handed...See I bought you a Duncan Donuts coffee.....Aren't I thoughtful? So like drunk driving, drug-taking and all the other screwed up things we fragile hearts do to ourselves...I say Stop the Madness!.... And since all affairs are not created equal, if you happen to find yourself knee-deep in one already, see if you can pull out of the nose-dive and ask fly-boy to either cough up divorce papers or step off... Good Luck to y'all ! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 What is he wanting from me? Complicated, beware of the emotional vampire.......You can't give him this intangible ( what he wants from you), he has to figure it out himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 A few years ago, I met this man who was single at the time and from the first time we ever met, there's been "something" there. I found out he was engaged, then next thing you know, he's married If he had felt the same way as you did THEN...he would not have gotten married. If he felt the same way as you do NOW....he would get a divorce. Affairs for the sake of the flirt and the sex....are one thing. Affairs of the heart will suck the life out of you. You will never ever feel any happier or secure or loved more or be less confused than you do right now. This is as good as it gets. Do you want to spend your life and waste your love feeling this way? Getting past this will NOT be easy and you probably won't decide to do it at this time. Down the road though....I'll guarantee you Complicated.....you sure will wish you had. Falling in love with a married man will be the biggest mistake you'll ever make. Trust me on this one......please. Link to post Share on other sites
popelp21 Posted February 8, 2004 Share Posted February 8, 2004 My situation with my MM is so much more complicated. We were drawn together b/c of our spouses cheating on us. My MM is so torn apart by what happened to him and so am I. But that is not all that has drawn us together. We realized that we have this unique connection. He is not someone who would have ever had an affair had he not been done so dirty. Neither would I. My husband has now moved out and we are in the process of divorcing. Well as for my MM I don't know if he can walk away from his situation. He was very hurt by what she did and he wants to leave, but he doesn't want to hurt his family or her. So right now it's just a day by day thing. I love him very much. So much that if I have to walk away from him, I would just be happy that I've had him in my life for when I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I love him very much. So much that if I have to walk away from him, I would just be happy that I've had him in my life for when I did. Poppie, every situation is different as we know..You sound like a kind and generous lady who was caught in the crossfire of a heartbreaking situation...Your mm is lucky to have you in his life. I hope he can resolve his marriage, whether to stay or be with you. And I wish nothing but love and joy in your life...you both got a raw deal but something good will come of it I just know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Thank you so much skittles for all your help and support. You have been there since I started out for advice. I don't know what I will do nor which path I will take. Most likely I will prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I just love him so much! Link to post Share on other sites
popelp21 Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Skittles, thanks for the encouragement. I really have no one to talk to about him. See we work together and all of my best friends work with us also. They all know both of our situations, well mine at least, but I know they still would frown upon it. My MM has always been very loyal to his wife until he found out that she has cheated on him with several different men. He will not tell me how many but I assume over 10. He found this out about 9 months ago. We have been together for 6 months. They don't have children, but he is just afraid of hurting his parents and hers. Also, he found out in Nov. that his mom has cancer. She has just finished her tx, but we still don't know how she is right now. She just finished a few weeks ago. So, really his excuses are real. I do see him really trying to leave, but I'm also trying not to push him. He needs to make that decision himself without me forcing him. A friend of mine told me to quit making excuses for him, because he is having trouble walking away even after what she has done to him. I just think that shows what kind of man he really is. I do see him trying. Does anyone out there think there really is hope for us? Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I know my situation is different than yours, popelp21, but when you asked if there was hope, I would say yes. I work with my MM too. When you see them all the time, it makes it hard or even seem impossible to let go. My MM's wife hasn't cheated on him that I know of, but she hasn't been the wife he deserves. He never talks bad about her. I try to bring up the conversation but it usually never lasts long. The other night he mentioned a "three year headache" that she has all the time. He says, she complains of a headache everyday. I immediately thought he was talking about sexual stuff but he wasn't. He said she never does anything but complain of a headache. I suggested he tell her to see a doctor. He has but she won't. That makes me think it is an excuse. What do you think this headache thing is all about? In your situation, you love him and he loves you. He has a difficult decision to make. As far as the parents are concerned, he needs to do what his heart tells him. It is his life not theirs. It is his happiness on the line. In my situation, I love him but I truly don't know how he feels about me. He seems so unhappy and I know I can make him happy. He has children and that makes his decision harder. Honestly, I haven't really came right out and talked about my feelings for him, because of the fear of what it might do to our friendship. If you have any advice for me, please send it! Link to post Share on other sites
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Complicated, You need to read the book "The Mistress". In your email, you mentioned his wife does not deserve. In the book you will learn that only mistresses think they work to earn love. Wives don't, they take love for granted. That's why they are wives. Their job is to bear children, keep the family respectable, predictable and safe. So, my advice: until you forget about you deserve and take him for granted, you won't be the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Eastside, I am not sure what you mean. Are you saying that, the wife taking love for granted is right? Call me old-fashion, but I thought the wife was the one who cooked, cleaned, raised the children, and showed the working husband all the love in the world. I know times have changed but please. He is a hard working man but to have to come home to that, is crazy. He deserves better than that. Any man deserves better than that. She works too, but I thought the marital responsibilities should be shared. Please respond. Link to post Share on other sites
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I totally agree with you that wife should do all what you said, I was just stating the fact. When people get married, the bride did not vow that she would cook, clean, wash, give sex....all the stuff, she only needs to love and not cheat. As long as she loves (very hard to define, could mean care about) and not cheat, she is a good wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Eastside, are you married? Have you ever been in love with someone so far out of reach? Link to post Share on other sites
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Complicated, I totally understand your frustration. My heart goes out for you not the wife. But in the meantime, I also want you to get ride of the "unfair" thoughts. Only losers think it is unfair. Start to think differently, different thing might happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I have no problem with his wife. Mostly because I don't know her. I am just getting advice on how to understand her. I have seen her before and I think she is a beautiful person. I do not lay blame on either party. It takes two to tango. I am sure he isn't Mr. Perfect either. Nor am I. All I know, is that I am in love with this man. Maybe it is wrong but I can't help the way I feel. Some people think otherwise, I'm sure. I think about her too. I don't want to hurt her nor his children. Perhaps, that is the direction I am heading, but it will be unintentional. I just can't lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I don't want you to think I am attacking what you are saying. I very much appreciate your advice. You are right, it is very frustrating. I don't know what to do nor who to turn to. Thank-you for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Hey, There is nothing wrong loving anyone. Please don't feel that way. We are free to love anyone, anything. But your frustration might be that you have given a lot but was afraid of no return. That is not true love. See, you love your child, you are fine if there is no return from him/her, you love him/her anyway. You should feel fortunate that you have been loving someone, been crazy at least once in your life. Do you know how many people out there had had no idea what your feeling is?It is tormenting, but like roller-coaster, or bunji jumping, scary...but only the ones who did knew what they feel like. You are one of them. I did not feel you were attacking me. I understood what you felt. Eastside Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Thank you so much for understanding my situation. I have had alot of feedback from all you wonderful people and it helps me greatly. Eastside, what you said in your last reply, touched me. Thank you for telling me that it is ok for me to love this man. I needed that. I completely understand all the other opinions too. Think actually made me stop and think about what might happen in the long run. I am blinded with love right now and I will most likely get hurt. I will never know if I don't try. I recently talked myself into avoiding an affair. I respect his wife and therefor that will not happen. He will have to play this "game" of love, fair and square. He must make a decision. Thank you so much to all of you. It means more than you know!!! Link to post Share on other sites
J2001 Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 I MET SOMEONE ABOUT 2 1/2 YEARS AGO AND IT WAS OVER THE PHONE THROUGH WORK. THERE WAS AN INSTANT CONNECTION, THEN ONE DAY I WENT TO TAKE HIM SOME PAPER WORK AND WE WERE BOTH SO ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHER THAT WE STARTED TALKING SERIOUSLY ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. HE TOLD ME RIGHT OFF THE BAT HIS SITUATION MARRIED TWO KIDS......I HAVE BEEN IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS AND RECENTLY GOT ENGAGED. WE WENT ON A FEW DATES AND WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACHOTHER SOMETIMES EVEN 2-3 TIMES A WEEK FOR THE PAST YEAR AND WE BOTH HAVE FALLEN FOR EACHOTHER. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HE MAKES ME HAPPY. HE SEEMS SO HAPPY WITH ME AND RECENTLY SHOWN ME THAT HE CARES BY THE PHONE CALLS AND THE E-MAILS......................HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS BUT WE ARE BOTH YOUNG I'M 21 HES 28 AND HIS FIRST THOUGHT ON THE SUBJECT OF LEAVING HER WAS HIS KIDS.....HE DIDN'T WANT HIS KIDS TO GROW UP IN A SINGLE FAMILY HOME.....MY OPINION ON THAT IS THERE IS NO POINT IN LIVING IN A TWO PARENT HOME THAT'S ALWAYS FIGHTINH AND UNHAPPY. MAYBE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. I AM VERY CONFUSED ABOUT MY SITUATION I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD CONTINUE WITH THE PERSON I'M WITH EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM IN ANY WAY LIKE I AM WITH THE OTHER ONE....................I KNOW THAT WE ALL HAVE ISSUES BUT HE PROPOSED TO ME AND I ACCEPTED BUT RECENTLY MY FEELINGS FOR THE OTHER ONE IS OVERWHELMING AND HE TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY IF I LOVED HIM AND I WAS LIKE YES I CAN HONESTLY SAY YES I LOVE YOU HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID I LOVE YOU TOO....HE WAS LIKE I KNOW IT WOULD WORK BETWEEN US, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO APPROACH IT AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THE GUILTY PARTY.....I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ABOUT FEELING BAD ABOUT HURTING THE OTHER PERSON BUT I DON'T WANT TO MARRY SOMEONE AND NOT BE HAPPY.........I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO I SUGGESTED TO SEE A COUNSELOR FOR MYSELF TO SORT IT OUT BUT WE'LL SEE...........I'M SO CONFUSED............... Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 I posted this somewhere else, but I think it applies here too. My friend recently sent me an email after my latest crying spree over my MM. When reading it, pretend it was sent to you by your most dear friend, who only has your happiness in mind: Girl, I am telling you that you need to get away from this situation soon b/c it is only going to cause you more pain. He is not going to change. I am sure he is loving having you at his convenience, but he's not going to change his life (if you know what I mean) for you. He's made that clear. If it is causing you heartache now, its only going to get worse. You will find someone else who can give you everything you want (as opposed to just the physical stuff - no matter how good). The more you drag it out, the harder its going to be.... So sorry this is happening. Life is not fair. Link to post Share on other sites
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