i feel so filled with anger!

[zingy]

well lately i have been doing a ton of thinking about my problem with the fantasy thinking about leaving my b'f.

 

so i tried the "stop sign" tecnique for a while and it did help to relieve some stress of always fantasing about leaving him.

 

i do it mostly when we get in a tiff or he gets mad at me and say hurtful things, but it had gotten to where i would want to leave him even if he just shakes his head in disapproval.

 

anyway then carly came up with the idea of finding out "why" i want to leave him, instead of just saying to "stop".

 

so that is what i have been doing, and i cannot really come up with anything other then boredom, feeling rejected when he gets mad, running away, things of that nature.

 

well one day last week he said something hurtful but i forgot what it was now, so i had my little fantasy going about leaving him, packing up, getting on the bus, going home, getting my own place, job, etc..

 

that is where it always ends though, then i either re-start it or start something else until i tire of it or i'm distracted from it.

 

anyway this last time i was doing it and this voice in my head told me to just CUT IT OUT! the voice said that "you know you are not going to ever leave him anyway so you may as well just get on with your life".

 

then another voice said "yeah but why stay and put up with being treated like crap at times then loved to death at other times"?

 

so this arguement in my head now has gone on for days. and i had resigned myself to just try to get along with my life out here and get this silly notion of leaving him when he gets mad at me, out of my head once and for all.

 

so now, since i have been trying to tell myself that every time he is disapproving of me or my daughter or whatever, i tell myself, "hey this is your life, take it or leave it", and i feel such anger brewing in my body physically that i want to scream, instead i might just sit down and cry.

 

i think of leaving him only when i get yelled at or he loses patience with me, or shakes his head at me, or things like that.

 

then in the evening he is sweet as can be. anyway the new thing is this anger, and i don't have a clue as to what it could mean.

 

a part of me in my head, is not going to let myself resign to taking his crap, but another part of me is so reluctant to leave anyway because i wont leave cause it just hurts too much, and i think of things like what if i realize later that i made a mistake, what if he finds someone else and loves her more then he loved me, what if, what if, what if..etc...etc...

 

anyway any ideas of what this anger could mean? it really worries me and the last few days my blood pressure has been high!

 

related or not i just don't know. thanks for any advice, in advance.

[Tony T]

You relationship is very unhealthy if it's driving you to the edge of insanity. It is not rational for a guy to get mad as often as you describe yours does and you shouldn't put up with it. You should not have to be a part of a relationship that is so chaotic.

 

Read your own post. This is not a post that was put up by someone who is happy and in love with another person. Staying in a relationship where you are constantly thinking about leaving...or wanting to leave....is just plain nuts.

 

I think it would be best if you saw a counsellor for one or two sessions to help you sort this out for yourself. But from your description you are in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. This is NOT a normal way to live.

 

If I were you, I'd already be somewhere else. I wouldn't live with someone who would jerk my emotions around constantly. That's a lot of BS.

[zingy]

and i know that you are right in one way but then again my heart hurts too much to leave because he can be so sweet as well.

 

it is like you said living in chasos and half the time i dont know if he is going to be okay or mad at me.

 

then again i'm afriad if i leave that i think the grass is greener, one of those situations.

 

you know you get out of it then realize that maybe it was not as bad as you thought it was?

 

one of those situations, i just don't understand the anger i feel and it is not even towards him, it is just internal somewhere.

[quankanne]

Maybe a part of you is not happy that you've chosen a new response to the situation, thus the anger? But that's for a trained psychologist to say, and I agree with Tony. You need to see one as soon as you can, because this could easily get out of hand and you could end up hurting yourself. You need the kind of on-site counseling we are not prepared to give.

[Tony T]

quankanne is right on the money. Pay attention to her post and get some counselling. Get to the roots of this anger or your future mental health will be in jeopardy.

[zingy]

i don't know what you mean by that, but i would never ever do anything to hurt myself in anyway.

 

i have two beautiful grandchildren that i so much love and adore, and that is just another factor in leaving/staying.

 

as for what you said quackanne, that maybe another part of me is not happy with the new response to my situation.

 

i think also that you hit it on the money. what else could it be anyway because i have not felt that anger before.

 

i am so calm and mellow that at times i get sick of myself. i will give your thought a lot of thought too, because it could help me with this.

 

either way, ya know, something is wrong for always wanting to leave, then to also stay when i all i do is complain, but i keep hoping that things will get better, and i so look forward to our cozy evenings when he is calmed down from his crazy day.

 

thanks again.

 

p.s. counseling is not an option or i would be doing that right now anyway.

 

the counseling clinic that i could afford has only group counselng open at this time, and i don't feel that would be appropriate for this.

 

and that IS at the mental health center. all other places cost too much, believe me i've done the research.

 

but this will help, it will give me something to think of when i feel that way.

 

thanks again.

[zingy]

the other thing i think about when i get these urges to leave is that also he would be free to find someone more compatiable.

 

some one who wants to travel, go on a cruise ship, go to disney land every summer, go swimming, go to punk rock concerts, etc.

 

none of those things appeal to me at all, but i have done some of them things..

 

if i had never met him i would of never seen the ocean in california, or been to vegas, etc..

 

so those are reasons to leave and reasons to stay..

[quankanne]

i don't know what you mean by that, but i would never ever do anything to hurt myself in anyway

 

not knowingly or willingly, at least. But I'm not talking about taking your own life -- there are different ways people punish themselves when they're upset. Some drink, some abuse drugs, some cut themselves over and over, some abuse sex, just different manifestations of trying to hurt yourself, but sometimes harder to self-identify ...

 

as for counselling, if you're in a larger city, there surely are a variety of sliding scale counseling services offered (or at least I would hope there are!). Smaller towns don't usually offer that kind of variety. Have you spoken to your PCP about this, especially if you're on medication? Could be that if you're on something new, you're responding differently than usual (the anger). But these are just ideas I'm floating by, not any real answers. Again, those come from a trained psychologist.

 

quank

[zingy]

my sisters are going to las vegas in august for their birthday and wanted us to join them, so i told my b'f about it and he was all for it cause he wants/needs a vacation, but me, i could care less cause i am such a home body anyway and i do not like to travel anymore either.

 

so today he sent me a fax telling me that he wants to go to southern california from vegas to see the ocean and his brother.

 

i do not want to go all that extra distance and time, so i told him that and he yelled "THEN I DON'T WANT TO GO TO VEGAS"!

 

 

so i said that was fine with me, cause i only was willing to go to vegas for his sake, not mine and not my sisters...

so below is what he said back about it to me..

 

he sent me this nice lit'l email:

 

l

""lets just stay home FOREVER. that way we don't have to deal with friends, family, society. in other words, quit living. we will have food delivered, won't have to spend money on gas and just make a living over the internet somehow.

 

i'm sure that would be right up your phobia alley. and keep you at home to feed your compulsions.""

 

 

needless to say this spun me into one of my fantasies again, i didn't even bother to try to stop it either.

 

i sat here and thought how much i must be stopping him from living his life to the fullest and dragging him down, and probably be better off without me then he can pursue what ever avenue he wants/needs to fulfill his life.