Double Whammy

[Bummed&Hurt]

I have been having trouble with my marriage for 4 months now and have found the forums here to be very helpful. I’d like to post my heartbreak now.

 

I just found out today that my wife has been having an affair with my best friend and on top of that all three of us work in the same place. I have confronted her and she has always denied it but today I found indisputable evidence that they are having an affair.

 

I feel like my world has gone completely upside down. Our 20th wedding anniversary was just in November. We have five children ranging from 5 to 20. I just cannot believe that she would throw all of this away.

 

What’s worse is that she won’t admit to what’s going on. There have been many signs that this was going on but she always denied it, giving the “we’re just friends” comeback. She moved into an apartment about 3 weeks ago to get some space. I have been trying to give that to her but now I just can’t deal with it anymore.

 

I really want to confront her but how I got the evidence is very crappy. I also don’t really want to start a divorce right before Christmas because of the kids.

 

The biggest problem is that I have no one to talk to. So anyone out there please give me some advice on how to deal with it.

[bestadvisor]

First, he is NOT your best friend; he is not even your friend. A friend would never do such a thing.

 

We need more info on what evidence you have and how you got it.

 

It seems that she moved out to further the affair and make it more convenient.

 

If she's willing to change, would you forgive her and take her back? What exactly do you want and what exactly are you asking for?

[Bummed&Hurt]

I really love her to death and would like to try and work through this. She just doesn't seem to really know what she wants and won't confess to anything going on.

 

I guess I feel like giving her the space has made her start re-evaluating the situation and seems to be making her think about how many lives she will be effecting.

 

What's so bad about the guy is that he's married and is also doing this behind his wife's back. We have been on many couple trips together and even taken our entire families on some. This is just devastating to me. I'm also amazed at how she can keep hiding this and not be feeling any guilt.

 

This has just screwed everything up from personal to my business life. How am I going to keep working around these two. It's a huge mess.

[bestadvisor]

You still haven't answer my questions as to what evidence you have and how you got them.

 

Either way, you should consider exposing the affair AT LEAST to his wife if you have solid evidence. If people they respect (including their parents, siblings, close friends, etc) know about the affair, outside pressure in and of itself can sometimes destroy the affair.

 

Sorry to hear that you have to work with both of them. The ideal situation is for him to quit.

[redblack66]

Needing space means there is somebody else, as you have figured it out, and do not buy the EA nonsense. Assume physical affair so you are not disappointed when you discover such.

 

I would distance myself and stop communicating with her until she figures out what she wants. This is my opinion from a few months of similar experience. I made most of the mistakes people usually make.

 

Before you do something, you can consult with people here and jump into some relationship books. Educate yourself as much as you can and do it quickly.

[Bummed&Hurt]

We just had a blow out fight and she pretty much still won't come clean. She says that she doesn't have to explain herself to me. I've told her in the past that I'm not sure if your relationship is physical but it sure is inappropriate.

 

It's amazing that he is on vacation with his family as we speak and he is calling her. I'm not sure which one is worse. They have destroyed their marriages and totally upset both families.

 

I lost it tonight and told her that I want a divorce and she didn't bat an eyelash and said that would probably be best. I can't believe that she can just throw away 20 years of marriage, but I am done trying.

 

With everything that's happened I can't believe the pain that's in my chest right now. I've been through the roller coaster emotions that people talk about here but I'm scared to death how long it will take me to get over her. Not only have we been married for 20 years but we dated for another 7 before that in high school and college.

 

I live in a small rural community and my job is very good and pays well. I love what I'm doing and my boss is top notch. Finding another job will be a real problem. I just don't know what I'm going to do, but working around them is going to be a major pain.

 

I know that what's happening to me is what a lot of people have experienced here on these forums but man the pain is amazing. I hope I can get through it.

[redblack66]

We just had a blow out fight and she pretty much still won't come clean. She says that she doesn't have to explain herself to me. I've told her in the past that I'm not sure if your relationship is physical but it sure is inappropriate.

 

It's amazing that he is on vacation with his family as we speak and he is calling her. I'm not sure which one is worse. They have destroyed their marriages and totally upset both families.

 

I lost it tonight and told her that I want a divorce and she didn't bat an eyelash and said that would probably be best. I can't believe that she can just throw away 20 years of marriage, but I am done trying.

 

With everything that's happened I can't believe the pain that's in my chest right now. I've been through the roller coaster emotions that people talk about here but I'm scared to death how long it will take me to get over her. Not only have we been married for 20 years but we dated for another 7 before that in high school and college.

 

I live in a small rural community and my job is very good and pays well. I love what I'm doing and my boss is top notch. Finding another job will be a real problem. I just don't know what I'm going to do, but working around them is going to be a major pain.

 

I know that what's happening to me is what a lot of people have experienced here on these forums but man the pain is amazing. I hope I can get through it.

 

The pain is extraordinary. I am there, but going slowly out of it. If you say "divorce", make sure this is what you want and go for it, and do not go back. Otherwise, do not mention it.

Try to eat and sleep well. Talk to as many people as you feel comfortable. Start educating yourself on relations. This is what I am doing and it helps a bit. Also read other threads here.

 

They do not explain; they do not feel guilty. This is my conclusion. Don't even ask for explanations or sorry from her.

[LostHusband]

It will get worse before it gets better. But it gets better - this is what I am told at least , my wife told me she wanted out 45 days ago and it hasn't got much better yet. Some days are ok, but other days are terrible.

[redblack66]

It will get worse before it gets better. But it gets better - this is what I am told at least , my wife told me she wanted out 45 days ago and it hasn't got much better yet. Some days are ok, but other days are terrible.

 

If you manage not to smoke and drink you are fine . I am smoking, helps me somehow, but not drinking.

[LostHusband]

Oh god I never use to smoke much, but now I am smoking all the time. Probably not the best thing to be doing, but it gives me a few minutes of relief. I drink a glass of wine a night, and maybe a beer - but I've always done that, so it hasn't changed. If anything I'm drinking a lot less - I use to just enjoy my beer and play on the computer, now I am too depressed to do even that, so less beer for me....

[LakesideDream]

Been there done that, over about the same time period. My guess is that your (lol) best friend has been enjoying your wife for some time. Finding you are a cuckhold is never going to be pleasant.

 

You no longer have anything to lose. Talk to your employeer, he may be on your side more than you think. Absolutely tell your best friends (makes me laugh) wife tomorrow! Don't let him have another minutes quiet enjoyment of your wifes vagina! Make him pay the price along with you.

 

To bad about your children as well they are bound to pay the price right along with you.

 

Oh... document everything. Seperate your financial matters beginning tomorrow. Don't pay any of her bills unless a court orders it. She has abandoned the marital home that's one thing you have in your favor.

 

This will be difficult as hell for you. Just try and remember it's all new starting now. There is nothing to love or respect about her, nothing worth your agnst. I feel bad for you my man... and wish you the best of luck.

[michelangelo]

Your wife has abandoned the marital house and set up a "love nest" elsewhere.

 

These are not the actions of a loving wife and mother.

 

There is a price to her behavior.

 

Be strong for your children. Keep your job and be strong about it. It is a reflection on those two, not on you, for the work environment stress.

 

Get a lawyer right away and file for divorce.

[Bummed&Hurt]

I will try and hang in there for our kids. We have two children 5 & 7 and so enjoyed helping them get ready before school every morning. These morning rituals were something that I took for granted and now have been ripped apart because two adulteress people think they need something different. We have been letting them stay over at each other's places since we don't want them to be separated. They are very close.

 

We have issues in our marriage and things that have happened before we got married. It's amazing how women can remember the bad things word for word that happened 20 years ago. There have been things that have happened that just can't be changed and she really never has been able to cope with them. I was the cause of these and nothing I could do or say would let her get over it.

 

We're also having problems with our 17 year old daughter. She was giving us real grief over the summer and it caused great stress in our house. I'm sure my wife started getting closer to him during this time and I'm sure he just said what she wanted to hear. It's a classical emotional affair where he saying just the right things to get her attached to him.

 

I guess I will never really know what I could have done differently to prevent this but I will second guess myself for the rest of my life. I just still can't believe people could do things like this that rip apart entire families.

 

I will try and take it one day at a time. I do drink too much but never smoked. One thing is that over the last 3 months I've lost around 25 pounds due to this stress. I've work out regularly. The pain tonight is incredible.

[Bummed&Hurt]

One thing I wanted to add is what started our big fight today. We have a fairly nice house and my wife has always been a person who always wants her house spotless. It takes a ton of energy to get our teenage daughters to clean there rooms and to clean up after themselves in the kitchen, living room and so on.

 

I have been cleaning everything since she's been gone, doing the dishes, laundry and ever other daily chore. She came over to our house and found our teenage daughter's rooms a disaster and just flipped. She came back to work and got me an unloaded that this is why she likes having her own place. It's just her and the small children over there and she can just concentrate on her own messes and not everyone else in the family. I told her that this was our family and now the entire load is on me and she just went off on me saying that once again I'm only thinking about myself and not her.

 

From there I started to ask her about the affair, physical or just emotional, but it went into a downward spiral and now we're talking divorce. I really would like things to work but I just can't seem to get past all the lies she's been telling.

 

One that's been driving me crazy is that she has taken our cell phone with her. I borrow it when I need it but it isn't very often. One of my teenage daughters asked me if I knew what mom's TracFone number was. She had gotten another cell phone even though she already has one. I found that in her coat pocket tonight and you should have seen her about tackle me to get it out of my hands. If that isn't a red flag I don't know what is.

 

We're both 41 right now and it just seems like a mid-life crisis she's going through. I know she will someday realize what she's done to me and the kids but I'm sure we'll both be too far gone.

 

I really appreciate everyones posts. They will help me get through this although right now I feel like taking a dirt nap.

[LakesideDream]

How things repeat! 7 years ago, when still arried my ex and I shared a cell. One night her purse bean "ringing" across the room. The family cell was the table between us. She gave me some weak talk about it being a "work phone" that her company loaned out when people were "on call"... I asked when bookkeepers started being on call....? She continued her lies and I allowed her to have the benifit of the doubt.

 

I think cel phones may be the personal tools of the anti-christ. Maybe I'm kidding. Maybe. Even as a single guy I've seen cel's do more damage to people and couples than I could have imagined just ten years ago.

 

I even had a gal friend who I caught "going through" my cell phone memory ... lookin to see who else I was in contact with.. !! After just a couple of dates. To my amazement almost half the posters here (all female) believed that was acceptable behavior, just "checking it out".

 

My man, your luck has run out. Your wife is on the road with your younger children, you've been left holding the bag. As I said before, start seperating your lives tomorrow.

[Bummed&Hurt]

Just talked to her this morning and she said she thinks that divorce is the only answer. My oldest daughter called me today and I told her that we were filing and she basically broke down. She really cares about both of us and talking to her really helps me. I had to do everything in my power not to bring up what's happened because I know telling her that her mother has been screwing around would really hurt her and would really be an inappropriate thing to do.

 

I really have no one to talk to. She has a close friend whose life it a complete mess, single mom 4 children, husband in jail. That's another thing that I think has influenced her actions. She also has him to talk to, have sex, and live a life. I'm stuck alone in a big house with only my detached teenage daughters. I can't believe where I'm at now compared with 5 months ago.

 

I am proud of myself that I got my ass out of bed today, went to work and am at least functioning. I have vacation days still left for this year and could have easily stayed in bed and sulked. How effective at work I'll be has yet to be determined, but at least I'm here. I guess one day at a time need to be my mantra.

[bestadvisor]

Have you told the OM's wife? You know that she has the right to know, right?

[Bummed&Hurt]

They are actually on vacation right now. I know he's been calling my wife here at work. He's just amazing how he could be doing that while on a trip with his wife and kids.

 

I'm going to confront him when he gets back, hopefully when she's in his office talking to him. They seem to spend a couple of hours a day talking over the course of the day. I'm going to give him an opportunity to tell his wife what's going and then follow up with her on what he told her. I think that might be the civil thing to do.

 

I want everyone that works here to know what these two have been doing. I hope it destroys their credibility with their co-workers. He is actually the number 2 in the organization.

 

I just seen my wife at our house. She's doing her laundry since she doesn't have one at her place yet. Completely cold to me but I guess that to be expected. I'm still amazed at my emotions how they can go from being bitter to a strong desire to grab her and hold her and plead with her to take me back.

 

Man, this is going to be one long bumpy road ahead.

[bestadvisor]

I am not sure giving him a head up is a good idea. It gives him time to probably make up stories and maybe make you look like the bad guy or destroy your credibility before you even have the chance to expose.

[sumdude]

I agree, avoid confronting the OM. That could end up very badly for you. If you go after him, her or their relationship directly it usually bonds them even more with an us against him attitude. You may not be able to control your emtions in the confrontation and end up doing something you really regret which could involve the back seat of a large american made sedan with flashing lights on top.

[Bummed&Hurt]

We have been friends for quite a while with his wife and she has a good idea something is going on also. I have just feel weird talking to her knowing that it will devastate her. Am I screwed up in the head worrying about such things? I really want to screw him over but I don't want to hurt her.

 

One thing that's nice is that his net worth is much greater than mine. I will take pride in knowing that she'll take half of his stuff.

[Bummed&Hurt]

Sumdude, I agree. I've wondered how much I will be able to control my emotions in that confrontation. It really bums me out that I have always been a real even keel guy. I have never really let things bother me and always rolled with the punches when bad things have happened.

 

I found my brother dead from a heart attack about 17 years ago. I watched my father take his last breath in his death bed due to prostate cancer. I have always taken what life has thrown at me and kept going.

 

This on the other hand has just destroyed me. I can't keep my emotions under control and I swear I have become bi-polar. One minute I'm fine the next I want to break down and cry like a little school girl. The next few months really scare me.

[LittleFlower]

Hi

 

I am so very sorry for your pain, I know it is absolutely the worst pain that I have ever had. My husband of 20 years has done this to me also, in June this year.

 

I don't know if anything I say will make you feel any better. I don't have children, so that really makes a difference. I went through all the same emotions as you, weeping, beggin, angry, grieving almost, and I was obsessed with revenge.

 

I got over my need for revenge, not quickly, but I did it. I suppose the reason was, I don't know who she is, and what would I have done with the information ahd I had it? I didn't want to hurt another family, and neither did I want her husband beating the hell out of my husband.

 

I know there are a lot of people in a similar situation to you on this forum, but every story is slightly different and everyone has different reactions to being hurt like this. I wouldn't make any rash decisions right now, and cut back on the divorce threat, threatening her with this will make her want to stay away, although the other guy might start running scared and break off the affair, nothing like a dose of reality. If he wants to stay with his wife, he will be crapping bricks right now, for fear you will tell his wife.

 

Try to function as best you can, don't take any crap from your wife, and back off on the threats, sit back and enjoy the show, for I do not see this affair going much further if he hasn't made the decision to leave his wife.

He's probably promised your wife the earth, and keeping his own wife sweet at the same time. It might not feel like it right now, but you are in a position of strength.

 

For the moment you should just breathe.

[Bummed&Hurt]

I've already screwed up and threatened divorce and she jumped on it. I filled out the forms and she said she would sign them today but I haven't seen her here yet. I'm sure she hasn't changed her mind but she might be dragging her feet.

 

I just don't know what to do about telling the OM's wife. She will find out eventually and I really think maybe hearing it from me might soften the blow. We are friends but we aren't that close but she might be able to relate to me since we are obviously in the same boat.

 

I'll have the weekend to decide and do something on Monday when they return.

[LostHusband]

How things repeat! 7 years ago, when still arried my ex and I shared a cell. One night her purse bean "ringing" across the room. The family cell was the table between us. She gave me some weak talk about it being a "work phone" that her company loaned out when people were "on call"... I asked when bookkeepers started being on call....? She continued her lies and I allowed her to have the benifit of the doubt.

 

I think cel phones may be the personal tools of the anti-christ. Maybe I'm kidding. Maybe. Even as a single guy I've seen cel's do more damage to people and couples than I could have imagined just ten years ago.

 

I even had a gal friend who I caught "going through" my cell phone memory ... lookin to see who else I was in contact with.. !! After just a couple of dates. To my amazement almost half the posters here (all female) believed that was acceptable behavior, just "checking it out".

 

My man, your luck has run out. Your wife is on the road with your younger children, you've been left holding the bag. As I said before, start seperating your lives tomorrow.

 

When I see my wife's cell phone I just want to throw it in a fire. That thing has done more damage to myself and to this marriage than anything. Without "texting" I bet these emotional affairs that keep happening with everyone would never get off the ground.