Dealing with an immature ex-husband?...

[Antha]

I've been so busy that I haven't been around the board much at all. I am going to be 27 soon. My divorce to my ex-husband, J, was on March 5th, 2007. I'm going to cut out all the "what went wrong in our marriage" part (especially since I already covered that in my original thread), other than saying that he cheated on me so I divorced him and got full custody of our daughter.

 

Realistically, this man can still get under my skin. I haven't loved him in a very long time, nor thought of him in any nice light. I have tried to be reasonable, and have compromised many times when I shouldn't have because I just wanted peace. I do not care too much about his personal life, unless it affects our daughter.

 

Yesterday, my daughter started singing a rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" out of the blue that he taught her. It goes: "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Throw Mommy overboard. Listen to her scream" and then she does a little scream at the end. Other versions include throw Auntie (my sister) and Grega (what my daughter calls my mom) overboard. It disgusted me. I wanted to teach her 'Throw DADDY overboard' but I thought about it for a moment and knew that that would only be hurting my daughter, and to give into that feeling of wanting retaliation would get me nothing. If I do that, she'll one day blame me and remember me trying to turn her against her father, and that if and when he continues his behavior, SHE'LL remember his actions.

 

This is just a small bit of the "little ways" he likes to "get revenge" on me for divorcing him. For example, my daughter was very sick this weekend and had an ear infection. I tried to call him and found out that he had changed his number and hadn't bothered to tell me, the other parent. It was the only number I had for him. I told him (through Myspace) that he needed to provide me with a valid, working number that he could be reached at and he basically said he wasn't going to. I told him he's required to report changes in his status to Friend of the Court. I called FOC yesterday and they told me that they didn't have ANY contact information for him. I called today, and what do you know--they told me he called today and gave them his new number. I also asked if I was allowed to deny parenting time if I have no way to reach the other parent when my child is with them--apparently, no. Only (in Michigan) when its the address or location of the child they are withholding.

 

And then day after I found out about December's child support, I took my dd to the doctor's (because she'd been sick for 3 days running fevers) and it turned out she had an ear infection. I tried to call him to let him know about her antibiotics and how they need to be refrigerated and wanted to know if he would be able to take care of her (she didn't sleep barely a wink those days and her fever had to be monitored throughout the night. Well, when I tried to call the number (the only one) I have for him, I found out he had changed his phone number and hadn't bothered to tell me. I messaged him and told him that both I and FOC need this number. Eventually, he gave in and let FOC have the number and I got it from them.

 

I wanted to check and see if it was a valid, working number but not have to speak to him. I did a reverse look up on the number and its not a cell phone -- its a landline in the city next to mine. Yep, he MOVED and didn't bother to tell me, which means when he has her, I have no idea where she's at. This is just petty and childish. Its a very basic thing that the parents know where the other parent lives and has a way of contacting the other parent. He knows my address and my phone number (which he gives out to various businesses). Its an unlisted number, so I have no way of knowing (without paying for the information) where he lives. I only know that it is a landline and what company its through and what city. He could live 5 minutes from me and I'd have no idea.

 

I called FOC to ask them if he updated his address with them, but they said they couldn't give the address out over the phone. I could either fax them my request or go down in person and get it. I faxed the request at 11 am, but they haven't gotten back to me, so I might have to take time from work to go down there and get it (that is, if he updated his address at all).

 

I shouldn't have to deal with these childish games, especially not when our daughter is involved and SHE'S the one that gets hurt by this. He doesn't seem to understand that he just annoys me, but the person he's actually hurting is his daughter. I can't think of anything to do other than ignore his crap and use the law to my advantage. BTW, I did ask if I had to let him take her if I didn't know where she'd be and if he refused to give me the address. FOC said that I had to, which seems like BS to me that he could get away with the custodial parent not knowing where the child is.

 

I have stopped speaking to him over the phone (or in person when he drops her home after his weekends with her) unless its important or pertinent, and only if it has to do with our daughter. He takes this one step further and tries to "one-up" me by not responding to my messages (Myspace) at all. However, I have a tracker in my headline, and even though my profile is private, he looks visits it almost every other day. This irks me, as I am not trying to give him the cold shoulder. I just don't want to talk to him about anything other than our daughter.

 

Last month, he convinced me to let him take our daughter for "an event" on a Saturday (November 8th). I agreed to it, as well as letting him take her for a few days around Thanksgiving (with was also my time). On that Saturday, he showed up a half an hour early. He was being friendly-like, but kind of pushy about wanting to show me our daughter in the new dress, tights, and shoes he bought her for his event. He had only told me "event" prior to showing up. I figured it was a birthday party. Reluctantly, I allowed him to come into the house and put the dress on our daughter there. He was being a little rough getting her tights on (she rarely wears tights) and she was fairly sick at the time. She started to have a temper tantrum and didn't want to put on the dress. She started freaking out and ran to me. I held her and then told him to let her calm down first. He criticized me on "being too easy" on her and my parenting skills. I told him that she was sick and that he was yanking on those tights and to cut her some slack.

 

He took her back from me. She started thrashing and scissor-kicking in his arms and caught her a good one in the jewels (so hard not to LOL). Then, he roughly pulled her down, laid her across his legs so that she was facing upward and SCREAMED 1 inch from her face. I do mean SCREAMED: "You knock it the F off right now!" I'm half-deaf, and I wasn't 1 inch from his face...and it was LOUD. I pulled her away from him in shock and told him that he needed to stop that, that he wasn't making the situation any better, that he was terrifying her. He again criticized my parenting of being "too soft". I asked him before he left with her where he was taking her and he said "a wedding". After they left, I cried and was distraught. I had forgotten how much I disagreed with his ideas of parenting and how hard he can be with her, how his temper flares up. I hated myself for letting him take her.

 

I wrote him a message right after that, letting him know that I would not be letting him take her for my Thanksgiving holiday at all and from here on out, I wouldn't be giving away any of my time with my daughter. I didn't tell him the reason. I was just cold and flat about it.

 

When he dropped our daughter back off, I didn't say anything to him. I was purely disgusted. When I asked her how her day was with him, she told me "Daddy mean" and "I didn't like dress" and "B and Daddy married".

 

That made me curious. I checked out his pictures the next day (using a code to view something that isn't public) and my jaw dropped. He was making such a fuss over our daughter "being perfect" because she was IN his wedding. He didn't bother to mention that he was having our sick daughter stand up in his wedding on MY TIME with her. Honestly, I didn't give a crap that he just sealed his fate by stupidly marrying B. It wasn't what he did in his personal life--it was how he thought he "got one over on me" and how he treated our daughter that day. Mind you, I sent him the message about not giving away any more of my time with our daughter BEFORE I knew he got married. I didn't like the deceptive way he handled it at all. Why not schedule the wedding when he had our dd, instead of how he handled it?

 

Well, now I can tell its really bothering him that I have not asked anything about his wedding. For awhile, he wasn't sure whether or not I knew. He seemed like he kept trying to get me to ask about it, but I refuse to. If he does mention it, I'll just tell him 'Congratulations' and that be it (not add "You just F'd yourself BIG TIME. Never pegged you for an 'easy mark'. He is really bothered that I don't seem interested. He's posted the pic of their rings, our daughter with B's daughter in their wedding dresses, flashed his ring, and had his uncle call my sister's house and ask for B (insert his last name here). Obviously, he wants me to know because he thinks it'll be some tremendous killing blow to me and my ego. Its driving him crazy that I'm not taking the bait.

 

My daughter has said things along the lines of "Daddy mean" and "Daddy yells" since then. She refuses to talk to him on the phone (she has for awhile; she's only 2 1/2). When things were friendlier, I would put her on the phone with him. Once she realized it was her dad, she didn't want to talk. She'll want to talk to J's new wife B, or my mom, my sister, her cousin Roland (he's 2). I was gone for 1 hour the other day and my mom watched dd. DD was begging Grega to call me on the phone so she could talk to me. She will talk for 30 minutes or more on the phone if you let her...but she doesn't want to talk to her father and doesn't seem to like him at all. She seems to like B (her new stepmom) better and honestly, as much as I despise B and all she stands for, I think she treats my daughter better than her father does. DD seriously seems like she hates him.

 

I'm also dealing with petty, juvenile "tricks" he pulls, such as going into a gym and signing me up for a free trial gym membership (near his house) and giving my cell phone number out. He's given it out to an herbal weight loss supplement company and some others too. A 13 year-old could do better. Sheesh. I'm a little insulted at the lack of effort, if he's going to bother at all. I haven't mentioned this at all either. It took a lot of self-restraint not to say anything, but mentioning it will let him know that it got to me.

 

For someone who is so happy with his new life, he's spends an awful lot of time trying to play his little games on me. I'm happy with my life. When I don't have to deal with him and he's not pulling any crap, he doesn't even enter into my mind.

 

And finally, he's had harassed FOC to give him his $600 in one lump sum this month. I haven't gotten child support in 4 weeks now...and now to come in December because the evaluator didn't use the language "incrementally" in the official document he wrote up. Its supposed to have been "incrementally" paid back to him over the past six months. Now they take it right before Christmas. BTW, the credit is misbegotten and I will be going down to FOC and filing a motion to re-evaluate support again and INSIST this time that he provide either a W2 or a paystub from his direct deposit, and NOT let the evaluator accept a piece of paper written up by the girls in his office as "legal proof of his earnings". He makes $900 a week, and I got $530 a month. BS! I'm waiting until after January 31st, when all the W2's legally have to be mailed out. That way, he can't lie and say that his W2 doesn't reflex his earnings anymore.

 

 

Argh. So, anyway. This was mostly venting. Other than just ignoring him and not letting him know his petty games can bother me...any suggestions?

[Tony T]

There is simply no way to deal with an idiot. You need to keep contact with him to a very minimum and just talk to him about your daughter and nothing more. Did his move violate the terms of your divorce? Sometimes, divorce papers prevent a parent from moving more than a certain distance away without giving up certain rights.

 

Unfortunately, you very well may have to take this immature idiot back to court again. If and when you do, be very tough and don't back down. I am so sorry your daughter is having to be dragged through this.

 

Sadly, this is what happens when we either make a bad choice, make a choice when we are "madly in love" and probably most often when someone who was nice in the beginning turns out to be a turd.

 

Can't give you much advice here. Just don't play his game and hold firm. Don't take any crap off of him. He sounds way too immature to understand a stable environment needs to be in place for your daughter. He may be too selfish and self centered to even care. If that's the case, let me know and I'll give him some real quick motivation to GROW UP!

 

It also sounds like the two of you are incredibly incompatible on a moral, intellectual and emotional level....that must be why the two of you are divorced.

[Lucian]

Antha,

 

If the situation you have described it is true, you need to keep your daughter away from this man. Obviously he has major psychiatric and behavioral issues.

 

Please do not put your daughter through this, if he wants to see his daughter it should be done through, supervised visits. Do not let her go with him... you dont know how he treats her or what he does to her when they are alone.

 

I am a father of 2 (1.5yrs, and 3 yrs old) and separated, shared parenting arrangement. I would never treat my kids, or any child, mine or not like that. Children have no fault and should not suffer.

[ilmw]

Hey Antha:)

 

I replied to you in my own thread.. then thought to repost it here;)

 

Yeah... I replied to your prior post... and then noticed your own new thread..:p

 

Nice... fun and games:mad: I do believe that I had mentioned in your original thread... that your ex... sounds like the spitting image of my S/son's father... He to played games for years.. and paid his child support once and awhile... when it seemed like he fealt like it... he was even given the option to let me adopt my s/son... so he could get out of the payments... but.. Nope.. he wanted the games.. Now that clown in behind in payments for several years.. and the government... is after him... so to speak. Income tax... his driving licence...etc. Still.... I don't think he has worked over the table... in probably 9-10 years?

 

Anyway.. I could go on and on... about that knob... but where would that get us eh?

 

All you can do with that clown is grin and bare it... and do what you have to do... you can't change him... you can only be better than him. My Dw did this... and now.. over time, after several years of my S/son blaming her.. and giving us both attitude after coming back from his father's place... where ever it was that week He now.. has no interest in his father... and finally sees him for what he is... a waist of oxygen.. and hardly someone to aspire to be.

 

ilmw

[Antha]

Yeah, I figured there wasn't much I could do but what I am doing and try not to let it bother me. He's has no soul, I should expect no better from him. He has asked before to give up his parental rights. I told him that if a thought like that could even enter his head, that he wasn't a real parent and that yes, I'd be happy if he gave up his parental rights. He was saying he wanted joint custody, or none. When I said yes, he changed his mind and said that /I/ was bad because I was "willing to get rid of dd's father". That pretty much was the nail in the coffin on how I view him. I have no sympathy for him whatsoever anymore. He is a terrible person.

 

I have no evidence of mistreatment on ex-h and B, other than what dd tells me. I have been documenting things regularly though, such as him requesting me to give him copies of the divorce papers, then complaining and telling people I "withheld them" when I didn't give them to him within hours of him asking (I made them at work the very next morning and dropped them off at daycare for him to pick up, since he was picking dd up from daycare that day).

 

All I can see is that when I pick dd up at daycare (or when he drops her off after his weekend) of spending time with him...it takes her several hours to act happy and normal again. She seems sullen, angry, moody, and quiet (my daughter is MOTORMOUTH and is very socialable and good-natured). She seems to like B better than J. The other night was the first of anything negative about B.

 

He still has power over me, because he gets to me through my daughter. The little stuff (giving out my cell phone number) are just little stuff that make me laugh at his obsession. When he messes with my daughter, the most evil thoughts go through my head. His White Picket Fence reality he tries to convince people he has is just a fabrication. He gets upset when dd is "perfect" and fit into that little reality. He doesn't do any "heavy lifting" when it comes to parenting - B seems to do most of that and J handles the "disciplining".

 

I know she can already see the difference between someone who loves her and takes care of her, and J, who just keeps trying to make it seem like he now has a "happy little family" in his White Picket Fence life, who yells at her and is hard on her when she doesn't act the way he wants. I'd like to mention that dd has always been a very well-behaved girl, since the day she was born. She has always been good-natured. At my house, she cleans up her toys when asked, throws away her plate when she's done, puts her dishes in the sink, helps me clean the tv (even though I tell her to go play, she wants to "be like Mommy" and help clean). She's 2, and she's STILL a VERY good girl. I can take her to any store without any crying or temper tantrums. She obeys me and behaves herself and is affectionate and funny. He complains that she's always bad for him or unmanageable. I don't see how this is possible, or "just because". Either his standard of how a kid behaves are too high and he expects too much out of her...or its what he's doing.

[whichwayisup]

If your daughter is being deeply affected by this, then talk to your lawyer and get a child psychologist involved. She seems fine with you, but not with her dad - Sooner or later this stress WILL get to her. For that, I am very concerned...

 

Your ex is a complete idiot, I'm speechless. I cannot believe the crap he is/has been doing. Unbelievable!!

 

I am sorry that you have this crap in your life to deal with..I hope sooner, rather than later, you get FULL custody and take his parental rights away from him as he is no father, he is selfish, an abuser and is very messed up in the head.