Am I Being Selfish?

[xpinksoda]

My boyfriend and I have been together now for a year and a half. We moved in together almost a year ago - and this is my first time living on my own, so it was a big step.

 

Now, before we where together, he started his own business, and is excited for it to begin sustaining itself. Just yesterday, he got a call from someone who is about 4 1/2 hours away who wants my boyfriend to go work for him. He would get his own office, space for his equipment, and possibly even a room to live in for nearly nothing! It would be an amazing opportunity for his business, and he would learn a lot!

 

Now the only trouble is, I don't want to leave him go! Without him, there is no way I could stay living on my own, and would have to go live with my parents again... They live about 25 minutes out of town from my school, and I couldn't drive since I don't have my license. I would also have no way of keeping my job, since, I can't rely on my parents to drive me. They just bought a property on a lake and are in the middle of building a new home. I feel like I would be such a burden!!! I know it's silly, since my parents would do anything to help me, I just don't want to give up my independence.. but really, I guess I don't have much since I depend so much on my boyfriend.

 

I will be finished school in the next 6 months, but he plans on staying there for a year or more. It hurts because we had plans to move to this beautiful town with an amazing snowboarding mountain...we where so excited... This city he is going to is awful in my opinion, I would hate to live there. He works so hard, and I want to see him succeed, but I just can't seem to not feel like I am being completely left behind. My whole life will be flipped upside down!

 

Has anyone been through anything like this? And am I being selfish?

[Trialbyfire]

Consider this a wakeup call about getting independent. Yes, you're being selfish. Holding someone back from a career opportunity can create the beginnings of, or full-blown resentment, particularly since your main concerns seem to be about yourself.

 

Here are some steps to take, to get independent:

• Get a room-mate.
  
• Get your driver's license.

[Elyssa]

I agree with Trialbyfire on the resentment issue, but then again they've been together long enough that he should think about her too. She hasn't mentioned how he's dealing with this, but if all he cares about is this career opportunity and doesn't care about leaving her behind, makes me wonder about the relationship in the first place.

 

I would talk to him and see if there's a way you can go with him, or perhaps shorten his stay in that other city... perhaps until you finish school in 6 months? Or alternatively, could you find a school to transfer to close to where he's going to live?

 

-E

[Nevermind]

Trialbyfire is right,

 

get a room-mate. So you would be able to stay where you are (or is he paying the rent alone?). If you have a driver's licence visiting will become much easier, 5 hours is not out of the world. You could visit him once a month, maybe even twice and you can stay with him during school breaks. Get a webcam, a headset, and a camera. You will find them very useful in a ldr. But talk to him about the details, how you'll meet, when, how you'll stay in contact etc. Good luck!

[xpinksoda]

I really don't want to hold him back from doing the best thing for himself, it just all happened in the past two days and it is such a shock that I can't seem to help but think of myself right now. I hope after some more time I can open up my eyes and see more of the picture....

 

I spent all last night crying, for hours and hours. My eyes hurt to even move, I had the worst headache, and I was just pouring my heart out. I told him exactly how I felt, and he listened without arguing when I said things that where wrong. He told me this morning that "it was like he was watching me grow up in front of him". So I guess this is really forcing me to realize exactly what we have in our relationship, and our lives.

 

And to Nevermind: he isn't paying rent alone, but neither of us could afford it on our own. It's really a teamwork thing I guess. But I am in school, so he definitely has more time to work so he is making more money than I am.

[kerious1]

I don't think your being selfish. I think you may be in survival mode. When we are unexpectedly forced to go out of our "comfort zone" we naturally start thinking about... what are we going to do? It seems the more we think about things the more thier is a potential for blowing things out of proportion. We keep thinking and thinking. It's aweful. I've been there.

 

It seems that you two have a really good relationship and if you sit down together and talk about the pros and cons of the situation.. then you can both come up with a plan to make it work. Like Nevermind said.. its only 5 hours away. That's really close compared to most LDR's. And 1 year... is really short compared to some LDR's. I truley believe you two could make this work if want it and work at it.

 

Best wishes to you. )

[Trialbyfire]

If you're serious about making this work, your attitude needs to change from "I, I, I", to "we, we, we". Even your description on being upset, is all about I, I, I.

 

Sit down with him and talk about how "we" can make this work. Stop punishing him for having an opportunity that might lead to a brighter, long-term future for the two of you. Your immediate needs are important but most are issues you can address on your own. He's not responsible for your happiness and independence.

[xpinksoda]

Consider this a wakeup call about getting independent. Yes, you're being selfish. Holding someone back from a career opportunity can create the beginnings of, or full-blown resentment, particularly since your main concerns seem to be about yourself.

 

Here are some steps to take, to get independent:

• Get a room-mate.
  
• Get your driver's license.

 

 

It is completely true, this is a big wakeup call. I grew up with my mom never driving, and my dad doing it all. She's too scared and panics very easy. I know it isn't an excuse, but she influenced me a lot. At least now that I am being faced with this big possibility of being away from my boyfriend. Getting my license is a must. I called around earlier today - I hope to pick the right school next week.

 

But for getting a roommate, that I am shy of.

 

 

He's not responsible for your happiness and independence.

 

I know me depending on him so much is wrong but, I am 17 and up until a year ago, I depended on my parents for everything. We both had never lived on our own before, so when we made the decision to move out, we knew very well that neither of us could do it on our own. (If he goes, he will have a room to stay for little to no cost.) So him knowing that I depend on him for this lifestyle, I can't help but feel like my life will be flipped upside down if he decides to leave.

 

I don't want to be selfish, and if this makes me wrong, please tell me why. I just want to understand how I should feel and make this situation more happy.

[Star Gazer]

If you're serious about making this work, your attitude needs to change from "I, I, I", to "we, we, we". Even your description on being upset, is all about I, I, I.

 

Sit down with him and talk about how "we" can make this work. Stop punishing him for having an opportunity that might lead to a brighter, long-term future for the two of you. Your immediate needs are important but most are issues you can address on your own. He's not responsible for your happiness and independence.

 

I completely agree.

 

xpinksoda, I'm in a slightly similar situation as you in that my BF has several job opportunities that may cause him to move away from me. The selfish part of me wants him to stay, period. In order to process this, like TBF suggested, I've had to change my attitude from "me, me, me" to "we, we, we." BF and I do talk about what HE is going to do, but we also how it is going to affect US...not ME.

 

It's been difficult, but career-advances aside, if you convince him to stay for your own personal benefit, he will grow to resent you. What he's being offered now will benefit you both in the future because he will have pursued something he really wanted.

 

As for your own personal issues - I agree with the rest: get a roommate and a license of your own.

[Nevermind]

xpinksoda:

 

Wow, living on your own with 17 is a big issue. Reading your posts all over again, I don't think you're being selfish. You're trying to find a solution and you are talking about your feelings. That's good. Keep it up!

 

Getting a driver's licence is great. Drive carefully, young girl!

 

As for the room-mate...well sure, it's your first time living without your parents and it's hard to live with a complete stranger. It can be great, however, and you might feel much better than you would living alone.

 

There are several pages on the net, where you can insert for free. If you do consider this option, I would suggest you to look for:

 

- girls

- roughly your age, but with experience in living alone/in shared flats

 

If they live around the area, try meeting them before on neutral ground, e.g. a coffee shop or something alike. So you'll see before whom you'd like to set foot into your flat. Have a friend come with you, so you'll always have two opinions. Also, if possible, establish a testing period, something like a month, after which you can evict the people if they behave like freaks.

 

No pressure though. I just find that living on your own is a bit creepy at times, especially when you are younger and not used to it. It depends on your area, though, and your character.

 

It's a tough situation, but keep in mind, that by going away your boyfriend starts the foundation of a successful life. Later on, you might look back on this episode and be glad about it. Don't despair. Before he goes, make sure you two have some days together, and make them great. Even if there is so much to do, just get some space and time for each other. Those memories will help you during the first weeks.

 

Good luck for you!