Should I get in the middle?

[ShoeGirl]

My mom's two brothers have somehow come to the conclusion that my mom stole money out of the estate when my grandfather passed away 8 years ago. They have convinced my grandmother (her and my grandfather divorced 20 years before he passed away) of this and have got her to financially back them in suing my mom since neither of them are financially stable. I have seen all of the bank statements and the checks that were written to all three of them and there was no money unaccounted for.

 

In the last 2 years my grandmother has basically made my mom disappear from her life, she has taken my mom out of her will, and hasn't spoken to her in over a year, even when my mom has tried to talk to her. The day before thanksgiving my grandmother called my mom's house and left a message on the answering machine inviting the kids to thanksgiving dinner, my mom got the message and called back thinking she was starting to come around. My grandmother told her that she was only inviting the 4 kids not my mom and step-dad. It seems like she was intentionally trying to hurt my mom as all of us kids have cell phones and only 2 of the 4 of us live in my mom's house.

 

I got an email today that was to me and my siblings saying that she was having Christmas dinner and would like us to come with out having to rush off to another gathering. She made certain words like without and rush bold, probably because last year my siblings and I went to her Christmas and all of us were so uncomfortable there that we couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

I am getting really tired of her intentionally hurting my mom who hasn't done anything to deserve it. I am wanting to say something to my grandmother because my mom has been alienated. My grandmother is dying from cancer that she has been battling for the last 4 years, I want my mom the be able to speak to her mom again before she passes away, which I would guess will happen within the next year. My mom has called me crying several times in the last few months because of things my grandmother has done, and it's starting to take a toll on me, but I can't tell her that because she has no one else to turn to.

 

I don't know if I should say anything to her and if I should where I should start. Any suggestions?

[Trialbyfire]

This is your choice Shoegirl. No one can tell you where your loyalties should lie. Family squabbles can be bitter because they're all tied in with emotions, which aren't rational.

 

How well do you handle confrontations, in general? How well do you handle confrontations with blood relatives who are your elders?

 

Getting tired of something and being angry enough to back your mother in an articulate fashion, is another.

 

I know one thing. If someone were to treat my mother in such a disrespectful fashion, I would be using a scorched earth policy on them, regardless of relationship, race, creed, age or colour. Of course this wouldn't mend the bridge between generations but more importantly, what does your mother want? What you want and what she wants, maybe two different things. It's not your decision to make. If your grandmother passes away without a last chance to make amends, it will be her loss.

[ShoeGirl]

This is your choice Shoegirl. No one can tell you where your loyalties should lie. Family squabbles can be bitter because they're all tied in with emotions, which aren't rational.

I know it's my choice, I am afraid to say anything because I don't want to lose what little contact I still have with my grandmother but at the same time my relationship with her for the last year has been incredibly strained because she knows that I know all about what she has done but neither of us has said anything about it. I know that I will back my mom 100% with this because I know for a fact that she didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

How well do you handle confrontations, in general? How well do you handle confrontations with blood relatives who are your elders?

I am not good with confrontation and tend to avoid it as much as I can, but I have been dealing with all of this for way too long now. The only confrontation I have had with any family member is with my father and I still to this day don't talk to him more than once every few months because he refused to fix the problem, it's a long story.

 

Getting tired of something and being angry enough to back your mother in an articulate fashion, is another.

I have been angry enough with how my grandmother has treated my mom and how she has now started to treat me to back my mom for quite a while now, I am getting tired of having my mom call me either nearly in tears or already in tears because of what they are doing to her. She lost her father 8 years ago, has essentially lost my brother (from the conflict with me and my dad mentioned above), and has lost her mother and 2 brothers because of this situation. Now only has me and my step dad to be there for her.

 

I know one thing. If someone were to treat my mother in such a disrespectful fashion, I would be using a scorched earth policy on them, regardless of relationship, race, creed, age or colour. Of course this wouldn't mend the bridge between generations but more importantly, what does your mother want? What you want and what she wants, maybe two different things. It's not your decision to make. If your grandmother passes away without a last chance to make amends, it will be her loss.

My mom wants to be able to talk to her mother and see her as much as she can because she doesn't have much time left. If she didn't have cancer all over her body and if she had more time left I think my mom would wait it out and see if her mom comes around, but there isn't much time to wait around. The lawsuit is supposed to be going to court soon but by the time it gets settled my grandmother may not be here anymore.

 

Part of my frustration with the whole situation is because I know what my mom wants and it angers me that my grandmother also knows what my mom wants and still refuses to talk to her because of whatever lies my uncles have told her. My mom has written her a letter trying to explain her position, but we found out soon after she sent it that one of my uncles moved into her house so we have no way of knowing if my grandmother actually got the letter.

[ShoeGirl]

I want to say something to my grandmother so that she knows how I feel and how much she is hurting her daughter but I don't know what to say, I don't know where to start because there is so much I want to say to her.

[Trialbyfire]

I want to say something to my grandmother so that she knows how I feel and how much she is hurting her daughter but I don't know what to say, I don't know where to start because there is so much I want to say to her.

Is there anything to stop you from giving your grandmother a letter from your mother?

 

After you've delivered the letter and she's read it, is there anything stopping you from giving your grandmother a piece of your mind?

 

Just a couple of options.

[Rachel_0814p]

I want to say something to my grandmother so that she knows how I feel and how much she is hurting her daughter but I don't know what to say, I don't know where to start because there is so much I want to say to her.

 

This is a tough, touchy subject. Well...I guess I would say to her (your grandmother), but gently and without making it sound like you're speaking on your mother's behalf, that your grandmother's animosity towards your mother is hurting you very deeply and that you would like everyone to just put their differences aside and make some ammends before it is too late. But you'd probably have to beg every family member involved to make it work, because even if your grandmother starts to sway a little, those nasty uncles and brothers, etc. will probably jump in and squash it quickly.

 

Your only hope is for your grandmother to realize that your message is coming from your heart and not from your mom whispering in your ear trying to turn you against her, as the paranoid elderly tend to think.

 

Honestly, the old and sick are so damned stubborn!! Doesn't your grandmother realize that holding such a grudge is only feeding the cancer?? If she'd let the grudge go, she might actually heal a little, perhaps enough to increase not only the length of time she has left but the quality of her life, too.

 

If you do try to intervene and nothing comes of it, just try to be there for your mom without taking a fall, too (listen but don't absorb her pain) and then take it all as a life lesson of how NOT to be when you're older.

 

Best of luck to you and your mom. Please let us know what happens.

[ShoeGirl]

Is there anything to stop you from giving your grandmother a letter from your mother?

 

After you've delivered the letter and she's read it, is there anything stopping you from giving your grandmother a piece of your mind?

 

Just a couple of options.

Thanks TBF

 

The only thing that would stop me from giving a letter from my mom to my grandmother would be my mom. She wouldn't want me to ruin what little of a relationship I have left with my grandmother.

 

The only thing that makes me hesitant to say something to her is the fear that it won't make anything better, but that it will make it worse for my mom or me. My mom doesn't need any more stress right now, so the last thing I would want to do is stress her out more.

 

I think I will talk to my mom after Christmas about her writing a letter (or giving me the last one) to take to her and see what she thinks.

[ShoeGirl]

This is a tough, touchy subject. Well...I guess I would say to her (your grandmother), but gently and without making it sound like you're speaking on your mother's behalf, that your grandmother's animosity towards your mother is hurting you very deeply and that you would like everyone to just put their differences aside and make some ammends before it is too late. But you'd probably have to beg every family member involved to make it work, because even if your grandmother starts to sway a little, those nasty uncles and brothers, etc. will probably jump in and squash it quickly.

 

Your only hope is for your grandmother to realize that your message is coming from your heart and not from your mom whispering in your ear trying to turn you against her, as the paranoid elderly tend to think.

 

Honestly, the old and sick are so damned stubborn!! Doesn't your grandmother realize that holding such a grudge is only feeding the cancer?? If she'd let the grudge go, she might actually heal a little, perhaps enough to increase not only the length of time she has left but the quality of her life, too.

 

If you do try to intervene and nothing comes of it, just try to be there for your mom without taking a fall, too (listen but don't absorb her pain) and then take it all as a life lesson of how NOT to be when you're older.

 

Best of luck to you and your mom. Please let us know what happens.

 

Thanks for the advice Rachel!