Need some insight

[Tripper]

40's is the new black....no wait 40's is the new 30's....brown is the new black.

 

 

Heck no!! I just read Orange is the new Black... hahahahah

[Tomcat33]

I'm not sure anyone has brought this up yet.

 

This correlates directly to self value. That is what she felt she deserved.

 

More than likely he provided a great opportunity to increase her self-esteem. That never panned out as she hoped... so eventually she had to fix the issue on her own.

 

self value? who is this self you speak of? yourself or herself? what if her self value is fine, she had what she wanted and it was what gave her the right kind of balance in her life? what if there was no issue other than she prefered her freedom over being tied down to someone?

 

Some people are better off single than tied to someone, some people are just not cut out to be with the same person day in day out as intimately as a marriage or living with someone demands. why is it that these people are deemed as "broken"? or with less self value? In fact I think it takes HUGE self value to go through life alone and not depend on someone else?

 

Don't you think 20 yrs is a long time to be looking to fix some issue? I think she knew what she was doing all along.

[Tomcat33]

Hi Cobra, yeah I think you've hit on a big part of it. I thought of that later. She mentioned in a later conversation that she had lost a lot of weight and kept it off. I connected those 2 dots figuring she may have had self esteem issues.

I didn't want to pry as she volunteered all this info and I took it to mean it was told to me in confidence.

 

 

Tripper WHAT WOMAN does not battle with her weight? C'MON have you looked at an ad lately, or porn or any of the garbage our society looks up to? How can a woman not want to lose a lot of weight and keep it off, look at the cover of a magazine at any check-out stand, we are obsessed as a society, with our weight now a days and a lot of it is not self esteem issues it is just wanting to fit in. who doesn't want to fit in, even the person with the healthiest self esteem wants to fit in.

[Tripper]

Tripper WHAT WOMAN does not battle with her weight? C'MON have you looked at an ad lately, or porn or any of the garbage our society looks up to? How can a woman not want to lose a lot of weight and keep it off, look at the cover of a magazine at any check-out stand, we are obsessed as a society, with our weight now a days and a lot of it is not self esteem issues it is just wanting to fit in. who doesn't want to fit in, even the person with the healthiest self esteem wants to fit in.

 

 

Granted Tomcat. I agree, the marketers of the world sell and North American society as a whole buys the whole glamour/thin is in BS. Women start on that road the day they get their first Barbie doll..

I don't know her full story from childhood, I simply inferred from what she told me about her 20+ years as the OW and then losing weight afterwards that there were some self esteem issues that she worked out.

But I still wonder about the original premise I put forward. Why stay so long in an affair?? Maybe she was conflicted between love and living her own life..

[kchiapet95]

Amen to that Tomcat. At the end of July, I weighed just under 100 lbs. (I am very petite.) During my pregnancy, I went up to 115. That's not that much weight, but since I am small, and it was fairly rapid weight gain, people noticed. You should've heard some of the insensitive comments. One guy at my mom's church said, "Wow, your face got fat!" Gee...thanks.

[Cobra_X30]

Some people are better off single than tied to someone, some people are just not cut out to be with the same person day in day out as intimately as a marriage or living with someone demands. why is it that these people are deemed as "broken"? or with less self value? In fact I think it takes HUGE self value to go through life alone and not depend on someone else?

 

Don't you think 20 yrs is a long time to be looking to fix some issue? I think she knew what she was doing all along.

 

TC, face it... we are very social animals. We are designed this way. Your applying rationalizations to this type of behavior.

 

It's a self esteem issue plain.... however complex it may be... thats the root cause. She stuck with him for 20 odd years because he offered the opportunity to temporary fix to that self value problem.

 

You see the role of a woman as though her husband is another child to take care of. It's not like that. If you never care for or take care of anyone but yourself... yes, your broken.

 

but since I am small, and it was fairly rapid weight gain, people noticed. You should've heard some of the insensitive comments. One guy at my mom's church said, "Wow, your face got fat!" Gee...thanks.

 

I hope you kicked him in the nuts! Thats really a horrible thing to say!

[kchiapet95]

Originally Posted by kchiapet95

but since I am small, and it was fairly rapid weight gain, people noticed. You should've heard some of the insensitive comments. One guy at my mom's church said, "Wow, your face got fat!" Gee...thanks.

I hope you kicked him in the nuts! Thats really a horrible thing to say!

 

I wish I had kicked him, but instead I just gave him the Look of Death and he quickly backpedaled: "In a good way, I mean...you need to gain the weight...um..."

 

A**hole.

[GreenEyedLady]

Hello all, I'd love to get some insight to a something that really surprised me.

 

While having a conversation over coffee with a coworker, we started chatting about our personal lives. We are both single and in our mid 50's. Upfront I'll tell you that I would never consider dating her because I have a very strong "no fishing off the company pier" policy.

During the conversation I asked her if she was ever married. Her response was no, but that she had been in a 21 year relationship. When I asked her why they never married, she stated quite openly that he wouldn't leave his wife and family. I was surprised to say the least.

 

This woman is intelligent, attractive and hard working with a good balance in life.

 

My question is why would someone like this, aside from being in love with a MM, be the OW for this length of time?? Why wouldn't you end it after a few years if you didn't see it becoming more??

 

I appreciate any insight any of you may have.

 

Well, it would seem that her needs were being met if she hung in that long...and that she is independent and unconventional...

 

Not everyone wishes to marry and have a family...She obviously got enough out the R and didn't want it to become more...

[Tripper]

You should've heard some of the insensitive comments. One guy at my mom's church said, "Wow, your face got fat!" Gee...thanks.

 

It's a pity stupidity isn't painful.

[Tomcat33]

TC, face it... we are very social animals. We are designed this way. Your applying rationalizations to this type of behavior.

 

It's a self esteem issue plain.... however complex it may be... thats the root cause. She stuck with him for 20 odd years because he offered the opportunity to temporary fix to that self value problem.

 

You see the role of a woman as though her husband is another child to take care of. It's not like that. If you never care for or take care of anyone but yourself... yes, your broken.

 

 

 

I hope you kicked him in the nuts! Thats really a horrible thing to say!

 

 

Yeah I accept we are social animals I never said otherwise, what I am saying is that there are the "get tied down" types and then there are the eternal single types. and neither is defined by the level of self-esteem they posses because there are plenty of people in proper relationships that have appauling self esteem.

 

There are plenty of people that give to others in many ways, through work, through spare time through hobbie and STILL prefer to be single and prefer the type of life that is perpetually untied to one that is tied, and they are most definitely not broken. It's a lifestyle choice one that you are very much entitled to make as a person in control of your own life and being tied to a relationship or not does not define a person's self esteem. Living a life of misery against your own core beliefs and experiencing permanent guilt in a situation that you deem as wrong for yourself DOES.

 

People that act on situations and live a life that goes against their inner being and value scheme, latch on to that guilt without making any changes, as if the guilt is going to improve their well being. Guilt is only designed to act as an alarm nothing more nothing less. The brain is not wired to process a length of time for guilt on its own, it's like telling a fire a alarm "you must shut off on your own now" and it's not going to shut off on its own you must either change your life pattern OR change your core value system to accomodate your reality and that's what makes the guilt go away.

 

when a person has sustained a level of contentment for 20yrs in an affair relationship, I seriously doubt that they are driven by low self esteem and conflict they basically turned the alarm off by readjusting their value system to accomodate their new reality.

 

She may have lower expectactions for what she needs from a relationship in comparisson to the rest of the people but that's not to say she has personal esteem issues.

[Frances]

TC

 

I dunnow...sometimes I think marriages/relationships would have a better success rate if people lived in separate homes.

 

 

 

Romance certainly would.

 

I am one of these women who is fed up with being in charge of the home front. After 35 it gets to you.

[silktricks]

I knew a man who had a very long term affair (upwards of thirty years). When he was diagnosed with a fatal (and debilitating) disease he ended the affair. His affair partner's family thought they were married. Very few of his associates knew of the affair - my husband and I were two of the very few, and that was only because my husband knew both the affair partner's family and the man's family.

 

That particular woman kept on with the affair because she really thought that someday they would be "together". We talked about it one day. She had kept waiting and waiting until finally the waiting became her life. She was not happily having her needs met, nor was she simply unconventional and independent.

 

She was not invited to, nor did she attend his funeral.

[silktricks]

TC

 

I dunnow...sometimes I think marriages/relationships would have a better success rate if people lived in separate homes.

 

 

 

Romance certainly would.

 

I am one of these women who is fed up with being in charge of the home front. After 35 it gets to you.

 

I'd like a live-in maid - and gardener - and cook. Heck, being rich would help!!

[White Flower]

This woman is intelligent, attractive and hard working with a good balance in life.

 

My question is why would someone like this, aside from being in love with a MM, be the OW for this length of time?? Why wouldn't you end it after a few years if you didn't see it becoming more??

 

I appreciate any insight any of you may have.

Hi Tripper,

 

So many people seem to think that all OW are in the same boat. The truth is, we are all different just like all people are different. So, we all have different reasons for being in an A.

 

Perhaps this woman feels more loved by this one man than any other she has ever known. One way or another, there is a payoff for her to remain.

 

For me the A is the deepest love I have ever known. For someone else it might be sporadic sex without having to live with and clean up after someone else all day. Still another, it might be the excitement of the illicitness of the A.

 

Hope this helps.

WF.

[White Flower]

OB, it makes me sad to think what kind of men you've had in your life if you really mean this. I think sometimes you say things just to see the reaction, so I'm not sure.

 

Aside from my mother when I was very young, no woman has ever "taken care" of me.

You must the exception to the rule, reboot. "Knowing" you these past two months has proved that already, so I'm not surprised. You are a real man. But, there are many, many out there who need to be babied. Some of us would rather be single than go through that again!

[White Flower]

40's is the new black....no wait 40's is the new 30's....brown is the new black.

I just love you to pieces!

 

And good stuff about the modern couples and sharing the workload.

 

H and I were different. He came from the old country and while we both work, I do all the cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, bill-paying, car pooling, etc., etc., while he made all the decisions including how we spent our money. Oh, I forgot, his money. Feels like it's the 1940s or 50s.

[White Flower]

It's a pity stupidity isn't painful.

Isn't that the truth.

[OWoman]

You are a real man. But, there are many, many out there who need to be babied. Some of us would rather be single than go through that again!

 

That's why I left my M. My H wanted to compete with his own kids for attention like a little baby, instead of being another adult to share the load. I was prepared to be a single mother of tiny kids, but not tiny kids and a big one too, so I left him to play by himself and never once looked back.

 

And as a single mother, I found that having kids attracted two kinds of guys: those who wanted to HAVE kids, and those that wanted to BE kids. I had no room for either in my life and wanted only part time no strings off you go now and let me get on with my life kind of men.

[marlena]

Just because someone does not conform to popular social standards does not mean they are broken or have low self- esteem issues.

 

She chose to stay in the relationship for twenty years. Obviously, she was getting some of her needs met otherwise she would not have stayed that long.

 

Nobody can be fooled for twenty long years. It sounds to me life she made a CHOICE to stay for reasons known only to herself.

 

And yes, I agree with TC. Many women do not want the responsibilities and the constant demands of marriage. In today's world, more and more people are opting to stay single because they simply like being single. Alternative life styles are as acceptable as the more traditional ones.

 

And, yes, there are still a lot of neanderthals around.

 

And yes, a lot of women in their forties/fifties who have been through a marriage do not want to remarry. Why? Wisdom. They KNOW what it entails. And they choose not to walk down that road again. They are sick and tired of it. They opt for a life of freedom and unencumbrance. They do not want to be accountable to anyone but themselves. I can fully understand this line of thinking.

 

I am one of these people. I cherish my freedom and do not want to go back to catering to anyone's needs but my own (and my daughter's). I find being single more exciting and fulfilling at this point of my life.

 

To the OP,

Why not just ask your co - worker why she stayed? Whatever we say in here is sheer speculation or even worse - stereotyping.

[Tripper]

Thank you all that posted replies. You have all had some very good points.

 

So many people seem to think that all OW are in the same boat. The truth is, we are all different just like all people are different. So, we all have different reasons for being in an A.

 

White Flower, I gotta agree... only she would know her reasons for such along time. I was simply wondering why??

 

Why not just ask your co - worker why she stayed? Whatever we say in here is sheer speculation or even worse - stereotyping.

 

Marlena, I didn't ask because this is, in my mind, a very delicate and personal issue and really NOMB. The whole thing came up in a conversation over a coffee.

 

I do know that today, she is a balanced, energetic hard working woman who seems happy in her life.

[reboot]

But, there are many, many out there who need to be babied.

Honestly, I don't need to be "taken care of". I can cook and clean and wash clothes as well as most women (I can even sew!). But I still don't mind being "babied" once in a while, if you know what I mean.

[marlena]

I do know that today, she is a balanced, energetic hard working woman who seems happy in her life.

 

I am willing to wager that she has always displayed the above attributes. Just because she chose to stay in an affair for twenty years does not cancel out her good qualities. You'd be surprised how many women in affairs are sophisticated, intelligent, confident, highly articulate, career-motivated and successful! Maybe that's way MM find them so irresistable!!

 

As for simply asking her, I don't think you would be out of line since she did confide in you. Right? Nevertheless, I do understand your desire to be discreet.

[OWoman]

Honestly, I don't need to be "taken care of". I can cook and clean and wash clothes as well as most women (I can even sew!).

 

sorry for the t/j, and sorry reboot to pounce on your words of wisdom, but honestly, this is one of those reasons why MM are so much more attractive than SGs. Most MM have learned at least basic coping skills (aside from WF's H ) if only in self-defence. SGs typically think "cooking" means phoning Mr Delivery for MacDonalds, cleaning is holding the greasy plate under the running tap until the last chip has washed down the drain and jeans are not in need of washing until they come running when you call them.

 

What woman, honestly, wants to invest the kind of effort required in taming that level of public health risk when she can find someone who's already housebroken and knows the meaning of the word "simmer"?

[marlena]

Needy, low self-esteem, believes she won't find any better, held onto the belief he would leave his wife, etc. She wasted her prime years with a man that eventually ended it when she was in her menopause years practically. Very dumb on her part to forego any type of real relationship and children for that. She couldn't even get pregnant on purpose? How hard is that?

 

Some women do not make getting married and having children their one goal in life.

[marlena]

I post based on the consensus which makes a little more sense than the "oddballs" around.

 

Single people with no children are not oddballs. Actually, they constitute quite a sizeable part of the population.