Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[melodicmaybe]

Well the first thing you might want to try is something either very physical or very physically demanding. You come across as a guy that's pretty cerebral; you spend a lot of time in your head. Sometimes, physical activities will help break that up a bit and get your consciousness focused on your body instead of your problems. Martial arts, running, tai chi, yoga, things like that are all great - just anything really that's going to push you physically and hold your interest at the same time.

 

Another thing you might want to try is meditation. Religious connotations aside; it is one of the most calming and centering things you can do. It's a way to get in touch with that quiet place within your own mind where things become more clear. Even the very simplest form of it -- breathing exercises -- will refocus your attention on your body rather than your problems, which is going to soothe and calm you.

 

And the third thing you might want to try is just an activity that requires concentration. Artistically, you might want to try sculpting or something else you haven't explored before. Clay isn't terribly expensive and the tactile nature of working with it is therapeutic. Again, something slightly physical that will refocus your thoughts. If you're not in the mood for that, you could always try playing an MMORPG. In moderation, those things are fantastic distractors. Mucking about in Azeroth (WoW) for an hour or so is a particular favorite of mine. It's immersive, fun, and requires enough thought on your part that you won't be as focused on the other things going on right now.

[tatiana66]

The road to Ithaca, Tatiana.

 

I didn't want to ask here, since this thread is about LT's marriage issue, and the small talk is completely irrelevant, but I didn't know where to do it either. There seems to be no way to contact you directly. If there is a way to move this conversation to another place, tell me how.

 

Curiosity has got the better of me. Did you really guess I was Greek? If so, how did you guess it? (obviously, you have read at least one of Kavafy's poems). Are you Greek yourself?

[tatiana66]

I want to be distracted from my problems right now. At least while I'm unable to do anything about them at this time. But I don't know how to get to that place.

 

I agree with Melodicmaybe. Choose a physical activity you enjoy and go for it. Get out of your house a lot.

 

I started dancing classe last year. Dancing works great for me, because it combines many things, excercise, fun, and meeting people. Even if I don't flirt (and I don't) I feel my confidence boosted by the attention of men, I feel young and attractive, which is great. I also like hiking and mountaineering, which I do once a month, and birdwatching.

 

You choose something that suits you.

[lonelyandtired]

I've been having a hard time finding things to do that A) I can do, B) I have access to and C) aren't things that just make me feel worse.

 

I was really proud for being a good place for days. But tonight, after tagging along with all day with the the one and only friend i have in town, I went home and had another panic attack. It's all so hard.

[marlena]

It's all so hard.

 

Every new beginning is.

[marlena]

Tatiana,

 

I tried PMing you but seeing as you are a new member you can't receive PMs yet. Yes, it was an educated guess you might say with a little instinct thrown in as well.

 

Χρόνια Πολλά for your name day yesterday!

 

Marlena

 

To the OP,

Sorry. It was only a teeny- weeny little thread jack. Hope you don't mind terribly.

Hope you are feeling better.

[lonelyandtired]

No problem. I guess everythings been said about my marriage/divorce that can be said. I might start a new thread under "friends" because that's where I need help now.....i have no idea how to make any new ones. And that's really what I need right now.

[tatiana66]

Tatiana,

Χρόνια Πολλά for your name day yesterday!

 

Ευχαριστώ! (how the **** did you know? either you are a greek orthodox, or married to one!)

 

What is a PM? You US people use abbreviations so much, it's enough to drive one crazy!

 

You can email me at [email protected] if you feel like it.

[tatiana66]

No problem. I guess everythings been said about my marriage/divorce that can be said. I might start a new thread under "friends" because that's where I need help now.....i have no idea how to make any new ones. And that's really what I need right now.

 

What about the old ones? Don't you have any friends who can help you? Any good old friends willing to listen to you and keep you company?

 

I have many friends, and at least two of them are very close to my heart. I know I can count on them no matter what.

 

The way I go about making new friends is more or less the same than flirting. I choose a person I like for some reason, character, common interests or whatever, and then I try talking to them, joking, showing interest in them, making small presents, inviting them out or at home etc. It's a question of winning the other person's heart. This requires time and energy, and it could be rather tiring for you right now.

 

Maybe when you can bring yourself to practice some sort of activity, like sports, you would meet new people and make new friends - in time. In my experience true friendship is just as deep and complex as romantic love, not the sort of thing you can expect to evolve overnight.

[marlena]

OK, Tatiana, thanks. I will. Pm means private messaging! It's a privilege you earn after being a member for a period of time and after a certain number of posts.

 

Lonely and tired,

 

Making friends is just the way Tatiana described it. A kind of wooing. You see someone who captures your interest and you pursue a connection with them. You are ever so nice and friendly with them, you chat them up a bit, you ask them out for coffee or drinks or perhaps a movie. It's really very simple of course. That's how it starts. Then, you take the time and the effort to nurture that friendship and make it grow into a deeper, more lasting bond.

 

Just be selective. Make friends with people that you feel have a mindset similar to yours. Indeed, it is like looking for a partner,one who shares common interests, goals and values with you. Look for quality in character.

 

Start now!

[lonelyandtired]

The divorce talk and stuff with the house are going well. Wife and I had a big fight when she got home sunday, I left and went bowling by myself for a few hours, she apologized and we're back to being civil. Things are moving ahead and are tough, but we're going through it in a civil manner and I think it'll all work out fine.

 

But now I'm having problems with my friend at work:

 

She went from rejecting my friendship (which she pursued initially) to getting upset I wasn't being friends with her anymore (saying I was unfriendly and cold), to joking with me again and giving me gifts, to avoiding me and making no eye contact, to only talking through emails. All I've done is give her space and tried to be professional as we worked together.

 

I figured the friendship is toast even though she said to me we're cool, she's not mad, and we can be friends. And after a week or so of hurting from that her and I deciding to not be as close of friends anymore, I was getting over it.

 

Then yesterday, my upper boss tells me he wants to have a meeting with me and my direct boss that day. I didn't think much about it. My friend was even more weird that day...i swear she literally walked sideways to avoid looking at me when she'd leave the office.

 

The meeting turned out to be about me. They were nice and supportive and told me my work has been as stellar as usual and had no problems there. Then the said they were worried about me and gave me a pamplet on how I can get free counseling through work (now they tell me). I thought they were just looking out for me and making sure I was ok.

 

My direct boss, knows a little of my troubles at home, as I felt I had to tell him what was up. My upper boss I've told once I was having some personal issues, but that was all. And another employee who I don't work as closely with backed me into a corner in a conversation where I had to admit I was going through a divorce.

 

The only other person here who knows anything, is my "friend".

 

Well, in this meeting, my bosses cautioned me about sharing my problems with people at work. And other than the instances mentioned, I have not. I've been friendly with my co-workers, and I come to work on time and do my job very well.

 

So the only thing that makes sense to me is this: my "friend" decided for some reason to talk about my problems that I shared with her to someone at work, probably my bosses.

 

She pursued me as a friend...I initially resisted that. When I did start to become friends with her, she was the one who asked me to open up to her about my problems....she was the one who continued to talk to to me about them over the course of weeks. I didn't pursue or try to unload on her and she was unwilling...she seemed to be my friend. I let my guard down, and let her know me and showed my vulnerable side. She was the one who sent me cards telling what a great friend I was and how much she valued that.

 

Then SHE was the one who bailed on me when I had a nervous breakdown and reached out when I needed a friend most. I was getting over that and thought it'd all blow over and we'd either be friends again or not, whatever happens happens. Heck, I even said at one point if she really felt uncomfortable around me, I'd even go get a new job.

 

We weren't fighting...we were barely talking, and just at work, usually about just work. She went from "we're best buddies" to "we'll never be close friends" to....betraying my trust in a way that could've jeopardized my job. She's hurt me real bad, at a time when I don't need this kind of stress.

 

So where did this come from, and why out of the blue like this?

[cj1988]

You are MORE worried about a little tramp at work and her feelings and your relationship with her than you have ever been your W. I was right about men in general....when they are done and find something else to palay with, EVEN IF "Just friends" you (the W) never existed. All those years and people act like they did not spend 1/3 of their life with them, sad !

 

Lonely, I know you think I am venting ON YOU, but I am not. You are about to enter a world of tramps like you have never seen. She bailed on you because I am sure they said something to her as well and she blamed it all on YOU. I am sure they noticed the freindship you have and took her to the side, warned her and BOOM, she said it is all him, he will not leave me alone. Thwt kind of bulls---- ! SHe does not care for you and is playing MAJOR games with your head !

 

Beware, women are EVIL sometimes and will cut your balls off and watch you bleed !

[lonelyandtired]

Not sure why I'm bothering to respond to your insulting, agrressive bluster and name-calling, but:

You are MORE worried about a little tramp at work and her feelings and your relationship with her than you have ever been your W. I was right about men in general....when they are done and find something else to palay with, EVEN IF "Just friends" you (the W) never existed. All those years and people act like they did not spend 1/3 of their life with them, sad !

 

Actually, I don't really give a crap about her feelings right now. I just wonder why she'd do this after we parted ways on good terms (and theres's still a chance I could be wrong and she did nothing of the sort). I still want nothing more to do with her outside work as not being there for a friend when they're down and out is a big no-no in my book. That being said, I'd kindly ask you to not call her a tramp as she's nothing of the sort.

 

I think you really need to come to grips with this anger against men. You're going to give yourself an ulcer, I swear. My wife existed, she was half my life (17 out of 34 years)...I'm said it's over, but it's over. I'm even thinking we're going to remain friends afterwards. I'll still come running if she really needs my help. She was a huge part of my life, but that chapter is done. Being done doesn't negate it, it just means it's particular circle has closed.

 

Lonely, I know you think I am venting ON YOU, but I am not.

 

You absolutely are. And I don't really care at this point. Just please don't get bent out of shape again if I come back swinging, too. I don't mind you dishing it out, but you have to be prepared to take it in kind if you do.

 

You are about to enter a world of tramps like you have never seen.

 

One can only hope.

 

She bailed on you because I am sure they said something to her as well and she blamed it all on YOU. I am sure they noticed the freindship you have and took her to the side, warned her and BOOM, she said it is all him, he will not leave me alone. Thwt kind of bulls---- ! SHe does not care for you and is playing MAJOR games with your head !

 

You may be right. My therapist today said she think she does care for me and is really confused about it all....I don't care now, I just want to be able to do my work without worrying about her. She can play games with my head, but I expect her to otherwise be professional and get her work done so I can do mine. I really don't need her distracting me from my own life now. I still doubt she'd this crazy....but who knows in the end.

 

I was really angry about this earlier today, but I think it's passed now.

 

Beware, women are EVIL sometimes and will cut your balls off and watch you bleed !

 

Again with this....neither men or woman as a whole are bad....just individuals. Maybe a lot of individuals, but still....

 

I posted about my situation elsewhere just to make some friends, and the majority of the emails I'm getting are from women. They all eem quite nice and supportive. It's nice. I'm even going to a play friday with one on a STRICTLY platonic "date".

 

I've also signed up with a friend for a yoga class, and I'm thinking of finding a bowling league to join (or just some people who like to bowl). I'm moving ahead and trying to make friends best I can.

 

My wife is moving ahead, her parents got their house on the market today, and the real estate agents thinks it'll sell quick. I might be out on my own even quicker than expected. It'll be nice to get my fresh start.

[tatiana66]

Lonely, I am SO glad to hear you are moving on with your life!

I am sure the yoga class and the bowling will help a lot, and even if they do not turn out to be just what you needed and/or expected, it is a very important first step.

 

This whole thing about your friend at work worries me - I can't seem to get the hang of the situation, what she feels for you, what motivates her, what she is getting at. You have provided much information about her, but I still cannot form a clear picture in my head.

 

Anyway, I hope if you just stay cool and professional, keeping distances from her while at the same time being nice and polite, this will eventually blow over.

 

Wish I had more time to write, I am really up to the neck right now, I'll be back as soon as I can. Thankfully you don't sound like you need much help - you sound like you are standing well on your own two feet. Good for you!

[cj1988]

Lonely, trust me I can take it if I dish it out, I rasied 3 boys, that includes my H Ok, if she really cared about you, she would call and tell you that and have more to do with the "situation". You have told her that you are sorry for making her feel strange and she accepted. If she does like you, she sure has a strange way of showing it.

 

If in fact you are done with your W and you are moving on, good for you. Most cannot without someone else to cling to, been there, done that. Yes, I am angry most of the time, but read my threads and tell me if you blame me, you may understand why. I have been through a freakin Jerry Spinger gone bad episode and back. If you can honestly tell me after reading mine that you are even surprised I have not kicked his a--- out, then I will be speachless. No, I do not hate men, I love them. NOT all men are like my H, a lot I know are kind decent people......I willl eventually want a relationship again, but for now....I have no kids in the house, it is party time !

[lonelyandtired]

This whole thing about your friend at work worries me - I can't seem to get the hang of the situation, what she feels for you, what motivates her, what she is getting at. You have provided much information about her, but I still cannot form a clear picture in my head.

 

Anyway, I hope if you just stay cool and professional, keeping distances from her while at the same time being nice and polite, this will eventually blow over.

 

Well, i talked to one of my bosses and it seems I may have been wrong about her (she may have complained to others or talked to my other boss, but if she did, it was not to the degree I thought). It's all good, I feel much better. Still keeping my distance to a professional level, but I feel much better now. My boss and I had a great talk and he told me how valuable I am and how much he loves having me here. It was nice. I'm in a good place there (I still hurt a bit for losing the friendship and trust of my female friend, but

 

Wish I had more time to write, I am really up to the neck right now, I'll be back as soon as I can. Thankfully you don't sound like you need much help - you sound like you are standing well on your own two feet. Good for you!

 

I'm trying to. And I appreciate any time and effort anyone here takes to talk to me. I know people here are busy and have their own problems (why else are we all here), so I really do appreciate any time you and other spend talking to me.

[lonelyandtired]

Lonely, trust me I can take it if I dish it out, I rasied 3 boys, that includes my H

 

LOL

 

Ok, if she really cared about you, she would call and tell you that and have more to do with the "situation". You have told her that you are sorry for making her feel strange and she accepted. If she does like you, she sure has a strange way of showing it.

 

Yes. I tend to forget one thing about her...she's younger than me. She's very mature and seems more like a grown up than I do, but she's still younger than me. And honestly, this is my first real office experience. I used to work alone or in small groups. but most of my career was spent working from home (pants optional jobs rock, by the way). So between her age and my office inexperience, plus all the weirdness, it's no wonder it's this weird, complicated relationship. But I'm keeping my distance and it's all fine as far as I know now. We just sent a dozen emails back and forth about a job and were both friendly and joked some. I can now get this issue off my mind and concentrate on the real problems I have.

 

If in fact you are done with your W and you are moving on, good for you. Most cannot without someone else to cling to, been there, done that. Yes, I am angry most of the time, but read my threads and tell me if you blame me, you may understand why. I have been through a freakin Jerry Spinger gone bad episode and back. If you can honestly tell me after reading mine that you are even surprised I have not kicked his a--- out, then I will be speachless. No, I do not hate men, I love them. NOT all men are like my H, a lot I know are kind decent people......I willl eventually want a relationship again, but for now....I have no kids in the house, it is party time !

 

I don't blame you at all. And after the roller-coaster of emotions I've been on, I can't fault how anyone else deals with their respective problems. It's all good, and I do appreciate your input and commentary. And I know you'll get through your problems stronger for it.

 

I'm in such a good mood today i just wanna hug everybody. It's a weird feeling.

 

I realized that I hadn't truly been angry about anything in a long time. I've snapped at comments in real life and on this board, and I've been upset...but not "ANGRY."

 

I think getting pissed about a perceived slight by my co-worker yesterday really helped me. If I knew anger would burn off depression I mighta tried to get mad weeks ago. I'm not angry now, but I think it released something or other into my system that gave me a good kick in the butt.

[cj1988]

Good for you Lonely. I have to say staying pisses and or angry is 100 times better than being sad and scared and depressed.

 

I had an office A one time and it was no good. He was my boss and it went on for over a year and when I tried to call it off several times he got pissed and acted like we were not ever even freinds before the A. Thank god he got promoted and moved......when I was going through all my crap home, my boss here where I work now took me into his office and said the same thing. The people I trusted here told them they were sick of hearing about my problem etc.....so as you see friends do not get sick of it and if they do, they do it anyway. I have 2 friends that have listened to me cry for over a year now and keep coming back for more, because they are TRULY my friends....are you understanding what I am trying to say? Even if your friend complained to others about you, she still complained. Baby, make new friends !

[marlena]

I can now get this issue off my mind and concentrate on the real problems I have.

 

 

You are a man with a lot of admirable traits. Hard to find! Your perception of things and your maturity will get you a long way.

[melodicmaybe]

You are MORE worried about a little tramp at work and her feelings and your relationship with her than you have ever been your W. I was right about men in general....when they are done and find something else to palay with, EVEN IF "Just friends" you (the W) never existed. All those years and people act like they did not spend 1/3 of their life with them, sad ! ... Beware, women are EVIL sometimes and will cut your balls off and watch you bleed !

 

CJ, You seem to swing back and forth between despising and ragging on men and despising and ragging on women. Men are evil and selfish, etc; women are evil and selfish, etc... Is there anyone you do like?

 

I'm sorry to harsh on you but for heaven's sake, come on! Give this guy a break. Other than what he's written, we don't know him or his wife or his friend. Why are you so quick to judge and call names?

 

I don't know. Just chill out or something. Your stridency is agitating even me.

Edited January 16, 2008 by melodicmaybe

[cj1988]

Melodicmaybe, I believe Lonely and I have settled this....you are JUDGING me but you do not know me....you have no idea what I am going through or have been through to feel this way, as I do not know his....he knows where I stand and why I am this way.

 

Until you walk in someone elses shoes you should not judge, I was harsh and so was he, we are both just upset and venting.....sorry I agitated you....but people like you that have never commented on my threads and do not see WHY I may be this way, aggitate even me.....so you chill on that one....I do not hate men or women at all, just dislike idiots WITHOUT a HEART !

 

I am not a bad person, just a VERY hurt and confused one.....read my threads and tell me if you would not be some kind of a basket case of your H was f---- his sister ! Yeah live with that s--- for as long as I have and see if it does not make you a bit hard and CONFUSED.

 

You want me to give him a break, well how about you giving me one !

[marlena]

CJ, You seem to swing back and forth between despising and ragging on men and despising and ragging on women. Men are evil and selfish, etc; women are evil and selfish, etc... Is there anyone you do like?

 

I'm sorry to harsh on you but for heaven's sake, come on! Give this guy a break. Other than what he's written, we don't know him or his wife or his friend. Why are you so quick to judge and call names?

 

I don't know. Just chill out or something. Your stridency is agitating even me

 

I was meaning to ask this very same thing. After reading your thread, I can't help wondering why you aren't exhibiting a broader understanding for a fellow human -being, who like you, is roughing it.

 

I don't mean to be harsh either but honestly what gives with the inconsistency of your posts?

[marlena]

I am not a bad person, just a VERY hurt and confused one.....read my threads and tell me if you would not be some kind of a basket case of your H was f---- his sister ! Yeah live with that s--- for as long as I have and see if it does not make you a bit hard and CONFUSED.

 

 

Admittedly, I was not aware of this part of your story. Still, this has nothing to do with TiredandLonely.

 

My only question is why aren't you gone already? Why are you enabling this? Being alone a whole lifetime is better than accepting this!

 

Wow, and you were even blaming yourself.

 

Sorry, I fail to understand this.

[cj1988]

Marlena. I guess I only stayed because I could not prove it was a PA, I am sure it was an EA....google "genetic sexual attraction" and it may give you a little info on how it happens. They met 5 years ago ( I found them) and then started to get to know each other more closely in 2006, right before we got married. I felt in my gut something was wrong, so I taped them and heard some weird stuff. He said it was all innocent, I am crazy for accusing him of such and they just have a strong bond, one he has never had with the others.....so you can see how it made me question the real truth, but all that has just made the real truth about US come out, she is not even in the picture now. Through all this he has shown his true colors and who he really is and let out all the anger he has had towards me for years.....so in fact, I hope the whole f----- up mess may be a blessing for ME in the long run.......my H is an acoholic and loves pot, so I am sure that heps mess him up inside more than he was before me.....according to him he has beem depressed since he was 12 and I was the only happy thing he had.....then after a year together we started fighting.....he needs help more than anyone I know.....even more than me.

[cj1988]

Another reasion I may sound crazy at times, I have as everyone here has GOOD and BAD days and you can see what kind of night I had with him by what I write....sorry about that ! Also, I am going through menapause and it is kicking my butt ! The emotions and the mess all together make me want to run far away and scream sometimes. To add to injury, my son just left for college this December and the "Empty Nest Syndorme" is making me sad as well......hell I am just a big mess